I really don't know what to do anymore

OllieA_TransKid · ‎01-03-2025

I've been struggling these past 2 years. I can't go a few days without wanting to just disappear or hurt myself.

I've always been told by people that my ex is saying terrible things behind my back, and just over-all making my thoughts worse.

I have talked to doctors, and I have been told to my face if I tell my parents I'm thinking it again, I have to go to a psychiatric hospital. I'm just stressed. My 4 or 5 friends left have been trying to make me feel safer with myself, and it's sort of worked, but, I always snap back to wanting to hurt myself a few days later.

I've always been told psychiatric hospitals are for deranged people. I sort of realise it was an over exaggeration, but i still fear them. I always feel the need to say sorry, and i don't know why, because its causing people to say "Stop saying sorry so much, god it's annoying" and it's ruining me I'm a bit ok now, but I'm genuinely worried for my mental health at this point.

Its stressing my parents out and I just want to disappear sometimes to save them the trouble of having to be my parents.

indigo22

Hi OllieA_TransKid,

Welcome and thank you for reaching out to us.

There are a few things I would like to address in your post. Sometimes we can be so caught up in the experience we are living through that we can't find the clarity we need to make good decisions.

The first thing that stands out is that the reason you always feel you need to say 'sorry', is that you see yourself as 'less than' everyone else. It is a common mistake that we make when we lose our self worth and self esteem, but I want you to know that you do matter and you are just as important in this world as everyone else on the planet.

Your parents are stressed out because they don't know exactly how to help you. They would be devastated if they lost their child, so your focus needs to be on helping yourself and allowing them to help you as best they can.

The fact that your ex is talking behind your back says more about them than it does about you. My guess is they have their own insecurities and are trying to deflect them by talking about you. If you can possibly do so, try to ignore what you hear from others.

It sounds like you have some good friends who care about your welfare, that's very positive and should tell you something about how others see you as opposed to how you see yourself.

Whoever told you that psychiatric hospitals are for deranged people, has no idea what they are talking about. Sure, there are some very mentally ill people that need to be there, but there are also people like yourself who just need some help getting their lives back on track. Hurting yourself and wanting to disappear is not the way life is meant to be, you are just stuck in a dark place right now and need help to find your way to the light again.

Please consider talking to your parents about how you are feeling and if that means going to hospital and getting the help you need and deserve, then take a deep breath and a leap of faith. No one else can do this for you, it is up to you to ask for help and then follow through.

I would be happy to continue the conversation if you wish.

Take good care of yourself,

indigo

Guest_10120

Hey there!
I really apologize that you feel this way. You are not alone, and your feelings are valid. It's good that your friends are willing to help you, but getting the help of a professional is much better. Psych hospitals are not meant just for the 'crazy', but they actually help people who are going through a tough time. Please seek out someone you trust and are willing to talk to. Don't hesitate to get help because you matter.

Ash_music

You sound like a lovely person. You also sound like an older version of myself to be honest. I'm 14 and I say sorry A LOT. And I get why people get annoyed and I do try to stop but it's harder then it looks. But what I want to remind you, and will KEEP reminding you as much as I have to is that YOU WILL MAKE IT OUT. there is always a light at the end of the tunnel even of the tunnel has a lot of cross roads. You are strong. You are amazing. And you can make it out. Stressing is serious. Even if some people don't think so. But we have to remember that we have people out there that can help us and KNOW WHAT WE ARE GOING THROUGH. I also found that as an alternative to self-harm, you can use eyeliner to draw on your arms and legs or you can get a strong mint that reminds your lungs that you can in fact breath air. You are doing AMAZING. You WILL be alright. I am so proud of you that you have made it this far already. Keep going and talk to me as much as you need. I will always respond. Sometimes we just need someone to talk to

OllieA_TransKid

Thank you. It's really hard to find support these days. I'm glad people are helping me get through this. I'm still having the thoughts more than i used to, but thank you for that tip. I really appreciate it.

Ash_music

Anything to help someone who is struggling 🙂

OllieA_TransKid

If you haven't seen my recent posts, you probably don't know who i am. I'm Ollie, by the way.

I wish i could fight off my ex gf's followers, but they won't leave me, my partner, and my friends alone. On friday last week, we had a class party, and after it ended, i felt pretty loopy so I couldn't hear much or move much at the time. As I'm talking to my partner and my friends as what they described as a "loopy mess," my ex walks over to us with her little followers right behind her, and starts talking trash abt me and my friends. The stuff she said was horrible and acted like me and my friends were invisible. she called us "sh1tty nobodys" and "frickin losers" and stuff like that.

When we moved away from my ex, I cried in my partners arms and told him "i don't know what to do anymore, (name), I really don't..." (I love my bf to death, bc he calls me Ollie or Oliver, my prefered names ><) and he just replied with "Hey, don't cry, Oliver. She's just jealous she doesn't have you anymore, and it wasn't even your fault for her breaking up with you." As I went home, i cried without my parents noticing and I had the thoughts... of not being here... I don't want to go to a psych ward... I HAVE to if i think them again, apparently... but... what would my peers think? what would my teachers think? what would my friends and family think?

smallwolf

Hello Ollie.

You’re stronger than you think, and you deserve support - based on the fact that you are able to post here and write about what you are going through and not sure how others will respond.

I can see you are worried about what those around you will think. I'm unsure what you think that will think?

And regardless ...

I'm really sorry you're feeling this way. It sounds like you're going through a really tough time right now.

Wondering if there someone you feel comfortable speaking to about this? It could be a friend, family member, or someone else you trust. Talking to someone might help lighten the load a bit.

therising

Hi Ollie

For some people, saying sorry is a nervous reaction that can become a habit. I suppose you could say it's a form of self soothing. So, if you find saying sorry is something that gives you a sense of relief then maybe finding a different way of feeling a little less stress could be the way to go. With certain forms of self soothing or self calming, they can be challenging for others to tolerate. Things like clicking a pen, humming, tapping fingers on a desk or table can drive others to stress or agitation. Finding a form of self calming everyone can live with becomes the goal.

As a mum, I can tell you it's a parent's job to not only be there for the good times in their child's life but to also be there for them in the incredibly hard times. Yes, the hard times can be seriously challenging but a parent develops themself when rising to those challenges for their child. A parent and child develop together through challenges. A parent may need to occasionally find a guide for themself to help them through the tougher parenting challenges. This is what I do with my kids on occasion, with their permission (find someone to help me manage when I can't manage alone or don't know how to).

If you're a deeply feeling or sensitive person, you're going to feel or sense the depressing and stressful nature and behaviour of others. This is their nature, their behavior. Just because you can feel it or sense it this doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you. You have the ability to feel such things. Learning to switch off that ability, when facing certain people, can take a lot of practice. Kinda like 'I can feel what you're doing or saying to me. Now I'm going to stop feeling it, so that I can sense other things that lead me to feel differently'. You're so lucky to have such supportive friends. Perhaps you can say to your friends 'When my ex comes up to me, I need you to say something to me that's going to lead me to feel what amusement feels like or try and lead me to wonder so I can feel what a sense of wonder feels like'. Or maybe one of your friends can hold your arm, so that you can 100% focus on what it feels like to have your arm held. Another trick can involve using the imagination: When someone toxic approaches, imagine you're breathing out their toxic nature, like breathing out dark smoke. Keep gently breathing while imagining it becoming lighter and lighter until your breaths are completely clear. With this one, no one can see what you're doing, it just looks like you're breathing normally like everyone else. There are lots of different tricks, strategies, tools or skills for people who can sense so easily (sensitive people). So many to adopt and put into our toolbox for life.