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i just want to let it out to random people who are like me <3

harper_
Community Member

im debating if i should send this but i am, im at my bestfriends house for a sleep over and im on the verge of tears. lets go back to the basics, around a year ago i was dignosed with depression and put on anti depresants and ive recently been dignosed with adhd along with having bad anxiety and somewhat of a ED. i was sitting at her dinner table with her family and i tried the dinner her mum made me but i didnt like it because im a picky eater so her dad was joking around telling me to eat it but i coulnd't. i felt if i ate anymore than i did i was going to throuw up but he kept telling me to eat. ive always hated eating infront of people and this shot my anxiety really high, i was about to cry. im currently in her room as she talks to an online friend on discord. i want to go home. i want to text someone but i dont want to bother anyone. i wish my life was different. ive seen so many therapist and im tired of being a burden on my family. i just want my life end, its not worth this pain. šŸ’” thank you for reading, have a nice day.

3 Replies 3

harper_
Community Member

i can't SH, i can't relapse. ive been doing so well lately and i just dont want to feel the guilt of being so desperate to die.

mmMekitty
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hello harper_

I'm glad you have come to the forum & decided to let us know what you are dealing with & how you are feeling.

How does it feel to just let out these feelings to us 'random people'?

I am sorry your sleep over tonight hasn't been as good as you had hoped & the way her father treated you was upsetting & made your anxiety spike. What do you do to calm yourself when your anxiety spikes?

Personally, I like to do something quiet, probably by myself, or maybe, it can help to do something with your friend, like having a quiet chat or playing a relaxing game or music? 

& let's not think this is something so terrible, because it's not. This is one night when someone stirred up your anxieties & upset you. You didn't burst into tears, you didn't throw up, so I'm thinking you are coping pretty well, but being very hard on yourself.

Feel free to chat here anytime.

Hugzies

mmMekitty 

 

therising
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hi harper_

 

It can be so easy to feel like such a burden to others while struggling with mental, physical or soulful health issues. It's taken me decades to finally realise I should never feel like a burden just because I don't know how to live (under the circumstances I face). This is why I say to you that you should not feel like a burden because you don't know how to live. Figuring out how to live based on the circumstances we face can be a massive challenge, one a lot of people around us just don't understand the gravity of. Rock bottom in depression can simply feel like hell on earth.

 

As a gal who experienced long term depression from my late teens through to 35 and then periods in and out of depression from then 'til now at 52, I'd have to say living with short depressions is much easier although still incredibly tormenting and painful at times. The reason they're easier is because when I come out of them I have the time to make sense of them before the next one happens for one reason or another. Some revelations are life changing.

 

While I used to think at times 'I just can't live with myself anymore, it's unbearable, and there's only one way out', this changed one day when the words 'Which self can't you live with?' suddenly came to mind from out of the blue. I started to think about what parts of myself I just couldn't live with, the parts that led me to suffer so much. The people pleaser in me was a biggy, a truly outstanding aspect that makes up the whole of who I am. That part can lead to so much sufferance. It can be oppressive ('Don't express how you feel, you'll just upset people), neglectful ('Put yourself last otherwise you're a horrible person'), agreeable and insulting ('Agree with others that you're weak'), depressing ('You wouldn't be such a burden if you just made people happier'). While it's in the nature of our inner people pleaser to bring pleasure and happiness to others, it really can be destructive and depressing aspect of our self at times. What came to mind next after identifying I didn't want to sacrifice my entire self was 'Let it go'. I thought 'I can't. It's a major part of who I am. If I let go of this then I'll be nothing/no one. How am I meant to live as no one?'. 'Let go' kept coming to mind. So, I did. I let go of the people pleaser in me and sobbed uncontrollably for about 5 minutes based on a sense of grief and an enormous sense of relief. It felt like a fearful leap of faith off the side of a cliff and then I found myself soaring. I should add people pleaser in me did come back but I became determined to manage it. I became the boss of it as opposed to it ruling my life in so many ways.

 

An interesting side effect of letting go of a particular part of our self involves another facet finally being free to come to life. Often it's the opposing nature. A fearful sense of self makes way for a fearless facet of self. The people pleaser can make way for an intolerant aspect that's upstanding, disagreeable and great for self esteem. An oppressive aspect makes way for the wonderer in us to come to life, a part of our self that wonders why we think and feel the way we do. You have so much in you waiting to come to life - that which is fearless, intolerant, wonderful and more. Channeling certain aspects of our self on command is a skillful practice. Far from easy at first with a heck of a lot of testing challenges but there are a lot of graduating moments too.