I just want to curl into a ball and die

[shay2]

(I have posted a few times)

My life is a constant roller coaster of up's and down's.  Some days you wouldn't be able to wipe the smile off my face and others you wouldn't even be able to get a smile up there.

I have never been pretty or skinny. I have never had boys falling for me left right and centre and I have never been "ok" with how I look. 

I am suicidal and I self harm. I just want attention right?

No in fact attention is the last thing I seek from the people around me.  No one knows how I really feel and I don't plan on telling them any time soon.  I guess I'm on here because it's so much easier to talk to a stranger over the internet.

There is two boys in my life right now and both I have fallen for.

The first one is really attractive and most of the time he is nice to me but sometimes he can be a real d**k to me.  He is a very horny guy but I just brush that off as a teenage thing.

The second one has been my best friend for 2 years and he's a cool guy,  we went out for 3 months then broke up when I started pushing him away because of an eating disorder.  I still like him very much and he likes me but the problem is he is leaving to live in Brisbane soon and I don't know if I can do a long distance relationship.

I am so lost and I have no idea what to do anymore and it feels like my head is spinning with all these thoughts and voices that make me want to scream.  or curl up in a ball and die.

[Damien]

Hello shay2,

I am pleased to see that you are still posting, that means you've not hurt yourself too badly yet.  I've read  one other of your posts, but since this one had no responses on it yet (I tend to trawl new posts for the ones with a "1") I thought I'd write here.

I must admit to being caught somewhat in the adult thing, in that I am nearly 30 years older than you and I have a nephew your age.  I am also an ex-teacher, ex- because I like kids but hate the bureaucracy and the rubbish teachers have to put up with from capital city politicians and ...insert rant here.  Anyway.  I'm a "grown up" and a "teacher", so I have a certain amount of "teenagers have a tough time of it, that's what being a teenager is all about" in me.

That's probably not unexpected.

However.  When I left teaching, to stay in contact with the kids I taught (awesome people) but get away from the departmental bullsnot, I became a school counsellor.  Again, I'm not an expert, but I am someone who makes a job out of listening and caring for kids who are brave enough to talk.

People like you.

So, in my amazingly awesome professional capacity (groan)  I want to say quite simply that I hear you.  I won't say, "I understand exactly how you feel", 'cos no-one ever does completely understand other people, but I can say I've read your stories and understood them.  There's a lot going on with/for you, stuff which is hard, stuff which is confusing, stuff which makes you question the future.  A certain amount of that is actually "normal teenage puberty crap", but there's more than that going on for you.

I can tell you, from experience, that teenage boys are idiots a lot of the time.  I say this as a teacher, a counsellor, and a person who was a teenage boy for the second half of the 1980s.  I had a mullet and a pink jumper: you know I was cool.  (Mind you my girlfriend had a spiral perm and a collection of ra-ra skirts so the less said the better.)  Point is, boys will act cool with their mates, and hot when alone.  Sad but true.  What I see in your chap moving to Brisbane is not so much the loss of a boyfriend but a best friend.  That's rough, and no wonder you're a bit lost.

Pretty and skinny are what they are, kinda cool to be if you are those things, but they're not really a big deal so long as you have mates, and days when you are Miss Smiley-face 2013.  Don't worry about that.  (Adult point of view, take or leave.)

I'm not going to try to answer all your posts in this post, so back to just this one.  You're losing a good friend, and you're wanting to have boys around you in the way that is normal for teenage girls, and right now both of those things are making you sad.  This is normal.

But please, don't be hurting yourself or risking your health.  I've not got your whole story but I really want you to find someone you can talk to, even if it's just a girlfriend who can give you a hug and have a cry with you.  Your posting to the random people on here is good, and I hope you get lots of loving and supportive answers, but it's always nice to have a real-life person.

And, as in other notes, Kids Helpline, Lifeline...blah blah but seriously too.

I'll be back to read if you reply, but no pressure if you don't.  Just know you are noticed, in a good way, and you are not alone in the world.

Bless.

[The_Real_David_Charles]

Shay,

Hi again.

As the song in The Sound of Music goes "You are 16 going on 17" but when it applies to you it's more like "You are 13 (which you stated before) going on 40".  You want the emotional life, the full on relationship, the thrill of romance.    It's best at 13 to have these fantasies cos by 40 you're worrying about whether George Clooney will ever do a decent movie again and if you'll be joining Sharon at the Glebe Mothers Guiness Book of Records attempt at breaking the record for the number of nappies changed in a day.  [Which was broken - some 9,000 by a dedicated mum's group].

Distance is no problem these days.  Skype, email, text, etc, all being instant chat moments.   Why don't you buy him some batteries for his mobile and wish him all the best.   You could stay in touch.

As a parent, and this is the boring bit, I was wondering..............and I'm kind of risking going in this direction but Damiens' marvelous empathetic response allows me this tangent..........well, er, don't take this the wrong way Shay, but I couldn't help wondering that if you put as much focus and energy into your school work as you do your romantic tensions then maybe you'll become a truly remarkable and confident woman.  Cos maybe you are greater than a spotty boys spasm.

Adios, David.

PS  As Damien says "Thank you for continuing your posts".    I'm not sure why Damien only responded to a 1 viewing (virgin post) but it is an interesting psychological angle considering his fervent Christian counselling position.  Lol.  I think we all want to see you feel better about things.   Whether in Brisbane or Barcelona.  At 13, the world, as they say, is your oyster.

[geoff]

dear Shay, good points by David Charles and Damien, who is a school counsellor, good on you, we tend to find out the little tricketts as time goes on.

Everybody wants to look like the most beautiful person that could appear on the front cover of all the mags., but looks don't mean a damn thing, it's the personality that counts, because this stays with us for a long time, whereas looks, well another wrinkle appears everyday as we get older, just look at me.

All these replies are from guys who have passed their use by date so we are only talking from experience, whether that's helpful or whether it's not.

But what I can say is that no matter what age we are, the feeling of being in love doesn't change one bit, and this feeling will never be lost.

There's a chance that this friend may not like living in Brisbane and could return, he may become home sick or his father may lose his job up there, and when this happens he will come back.

I remember when my twin and I went on a camp as cadets, from our school, I was hopelessly home sick whereas my twin didn't care one bit, and before we left I wrote to newspaper asking if there was any medication to overcome this, I was too scared to ask my Dad as he was GP, but people replied back and said just take it day by day.

I would love to see my Marcie ( granddaughter) everyday, but it's a 5 hour return trip, so I have bought a smart phone where we can communicate or see each other as she's only one and half years old, that's because I hate having to drive long distances, maybe OCD. Good luck. Geoff.

[Damien]

🙂

No-one goes unnoticed David, which is why I trawl for the 1's.  I'd hate to be in the position of posting my story or a call for help and have no-one bother the reply to me, especially on a site like this.

I'm pleased to see that I'm not the only person, or indeed the first, to have noticed Shay.   My fervent(?) Christianity is about compassion, not the search for virgins...which would be kinda creepy and not the sort of religion I subscribe to.  (That's more vestal beauties in Rome.)

Stay strong Shay, and stay around.  We don't want to lose you forever to a random minute of epic sadness.

[Couch_Dracula]

Hey Shay,
Im 25 and growing up I spent ALL my time worrying or more likely obsessing over boys.. ALOT of boys.. if they smiled at me they were the latest crush, Im still the subject of taunting from old school friends for my crushes on almost every guy.  I guess it was just that feeling of wanting to be desired or loved and accepted. I was constantly rejected or stepped on, placed a side for my friends. School was hell.

I agree with  Dave, try hard to focus on the things that really matter and take the first step to feeling better.. go to a GP and talk it out with a psychologist, I wish I did when i first noticed all these intense feelings of hate toward myself and my decisions etc.
I agree that the internet is easy, but its so much more comforting to talk it out in person to someone that wants to help you and can give you the right ideas.
I did my first session last week and it was really weird at first, but then it was nice to have someone listen that was in no way judgemental and was keen to see me get through this.
No one will think any less of you. x
I know it hurts right now but push through, life has so much more to offer! Wait till you travel over seas! So many Boys so little time... lol 😉

chin up x x

Dracula of the Couch.

[vip]

Hi Shay 2 I was in similar position when I was 16 I had 2 loves and no idea how to pick which one I liked. The one I picked I ended up marrying at 24. My heart was always with the other guy though. Anyway that is how my depression all started. I wished I had studied and travelled a bit before I tied myself down with all this . It is very draining I understand and I hear you. and it is sooo confusing but I suppose your hormones are all over the place as a teenager. I am 39 now and I can tell you it does get better yeh. But I still suffer with depression Ive had it for 22 years but I see it this way exercise play a sport listen to music go out with girlfriends change your mindset a little put these 2 guys on the back burner for a while and spoil yourself. Get your hair done manicure go on a shopping spree really spoil yourself. Look im sure you are a lovely girl with a great personality if its thats important doll yourself up now and then to feel good. I am a mum one 1 and thats what i do. Im sure in time you will figure out this problem. If you really are in a rut please dont hesitate to go off to your local gp school councillor ect nothing to be ashamed about we have all done it. Take care of yourself you are number 1