I dont want to be here

[slugsaredelicious]

I don't really know if what I'm feeling is actually an issue or if I'm just overdramatic but I feel the need to say something.

Lately I've felt really useless and like a burden to my friends and family. I feel like no matter what I do, it's never enough and I can't motivate myself to do anything to fix myself. I keep getting frustrated and mad at my friends and family for such small things and I feel really bad about it but I can't seem to stop myself. I feel really burnt out, I know I've got school work to do but I can't do it, I feel constantly tired and it takes me ages to fall asleep because I keep thinking about how I'm such a bad person. I feel like a failure but as much as I try I can't seem to fix anything. I can't stop myself from feeling like everyone would be so much better off without me. I shouldn't be thinking this because I have a relatively good life and other people have had to go through so much worse than I have. Usually I feel completely fine in the day time when I'm around my friends, but when I'm alone I can't stop myself from thinking these thoughts again. I feel like I'm being dramatic but I also feel like I have a genuine issue? I've harmed myself a few times and immediately afterwards I feel like I have no right to have been doing those things - like I'm seeking attention but at the same time I feel like I deserve it, I deserve to be punished. It's pretty much a loop where I feel disgusted with myself and feel as if life isn't worth living, and then I feel guilty for thinking these things. Also, I feel like no matter what I do to try to change myself, no one's ever happy with me. It's a stupid way of thinking, I know that I'm overreacting and that no one hates me but I can't shake the feeling that I'm just useless. I just don't want to be here anymore.

I've struggled with these feelings for years and I want to tell someone but I have no idea who to tell. Whenever I try to bring up these subjects to my parents they act like mental health doesn't exist.

[Here2Talk]

Hi Slugs,

Sorry to hear your parents are unsupportive. When those closest to you don’t bother to empathise with you it’s hard to manage feelings of sadness. Sounds like you have experienced depression. How long have you felt this way?

You seem to be also have a low opinion of yourself; I want you to know that you are not worthless, you are a human being just like all of us with hopes dreams needs and desires and you matter.

Well done for reaching out here. Would love to talk to you at the start of your journey of helping yourself 🙂 keep chatting here if you’d like this.

Take care.

[smallwolf]

Hi and welcome to the beyond blue forums.

The first thing that jumped out at me was when you mentioned the negative thoughts but also noticed they are illogical but you still have them! That part is me all over. So you aren't the only one with those thoughts. At the same time you can also say thank you to your mind and tell yourself it is just a thought and not really you.

I would also suggest you check out kids helpline for support or you could speak with your school counselor? These people have training and will support you at this time. I am sorry to hear that your parents are being supportive to you at the moment. I believe you in what you are saying. There are other things I could respond to in my reply. Things can get better for you and I hope you will come back to chat some more.

[Sophie_M]

Hi slugsaredelicious,

Welcome to the Forums, it is so lovely that you have joined us. We're sorry to hear that you feel this way. It sounds as though you're feeling very overwhelmed and we would love to provide you some support.

Can we ask if you have any mental health support? If you'd like to talk these feelings through, you can contact us anytime on 1300 22 4636 or get in touch with us on Webchat 1pm-12am AEDT here: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport . 

We would also strongly recommend that you get in touch with Kids Helpline - https://kidshelpline.com.au/. It sounds like you're in a really tough situation and it might help to talk it out whenever you're feeling overwhelmed. Kids Helpline counsellors can be contacted 24/7 via telephone and also via webchat if you go through the website provided.

We'd also like to let you know that our Support Service is trying to reach out to you via email as we are worried about you.
 
Thanks again for reaching out as we know that it can be really tough to do this for the first time. We hope that you find some comfort here in the words of wisdom and kindness that our community can offer.  

[slugsaredelicious]

Hi,

I've felt like this for over a year but sometimes I feel much worse than I do at other times. It's like sometimes I feel fine and then all of a sudden I'm hit with these thoughts again.

Thanks for replying, I appreciate the support.

[Sad_Mushroom]

Hi,

I used to feel just like you do,,,,I woke every morning and would cry as I did not want to wake up. I just did not want to be......I battled all the time.

I cannot explain it to you. I can tell you that one day I woke up and felt fantastic. It has been all bright sunny days since.

Hang in there....please

Kellie

[therising]

Hi slugsaredelicious

I wish you could see how truly brilliant you are. I will suggest you are the most conscious person out of all the people you know but they, for some reason, don't recognise your brilliance or your level of consciousness. While you're leading people to become more conscious, no one seems to be following your lead

• You're leading your parents to acknowledge the significance of mental health but they refuse to open their minds. I experienced depression for a number of years in an earlier part of my life, so I know for a fact depression is 'real'. If they felt depressed they'd definitely know, without a doubt, depression exists
• You're leading your friends and family to question the small things but no one seems to want to pay attention to the small things. Often the seemingly small things are the things that matter most when it comes to the difference we all need
• You're leading the people around you to feel more but it sounds like people are kind of shut off from their feelings. Personally, I'm a highly sensitive gal who couldn't handle living without my feelings. Insensitive people do tend to trigger me at times. It's amazing how so many people can do a lack of excitement and an over abundance of stress in their life without actually questioning anything. It's kind of insane when you think about it
• You're leading people to feel a need, like you feel a need for certain things, but they all kind of sound a bit numb to such needs. Do you find that highly questionable?

So, after all that, would you say you're the most conscious person you know (in search of greater understanding) but everyone around you seems to be asleep to some degree? Would you say the greatest challenge becomes about finding those who are a little more awake?

I'm so glad you came here. There are so many amazing people on the forums here who tend to question everything they find questionable, who tend to seek greater understanding of themself and others and who love to raise those who are feeling so down that 'up' feels impossible to find.

That 'useless' feeling - I will suggest that our true purpose is not always obvious at first. Would you find yourself 'useful' to those who seek to question everything and feel life on a deeper level? Are you a natural born highly sensitive philosopher? Is your purpose to trigger people to be as thoughtful as you, as feeling and as brilliant as you? I would say YES.

You are a truly amazing person who deserves reward, not punishment.

🙂