I can not help but self harm, I just want it all to stop.

possibly_euphoria · ‎13-06-2022

I still self harm. I’m nearly 34. I got told “I’d grow out of it” when I was 23 but itself sabotage, self harming, addiction to alcohol and substance abuse is ruining me. I work in a high corporate position and everyday I have to mask how depressed I am, hide the evidence I've harmed myself. I’m crippled with social anxiety which has always been there but I lost over 50kilos and now everyone comments on my weight and ask if “I’m sick”. My family was involved in the recent floods, lost everything…I think I carry a survivors guilt. The stories and people I met, really effected me but as I live out of my hometown, I guess I’m not a flood victim but was there as it all unfolded. I’m diagnosed ADHD and I go through serious ups and then extremely down states and believe I also have undiagnosed Bipolar. I’m so suicidal that I’m scared of what I might do. My partner has called my psychiatrist for an emergency appointment and I’ve been avoiding everyone for a month placing my phone on DND. I stay up late, don’t sleep or eat. Just drink wine. I honestly don’t see the point of being here. I have nothing to offer, no money and in debt. I can’t even be a basic adult. I need so much help to function and I’m just over it now. The older I get the worse it gets.

Sophie_M · ‎14-06-2022

Dear possibly_euphoria,

Welcome to the forums we are so glad that you found your way to this supportive and welcoming community. We hope that you find ideas, options and support from the shared experiences and knowledge of all our members.

Thank you for having the courage to reach out and share your story, we hope you can recognize the strength you have displayed seeking help instead of acting on your suicidal thoughts. You have been experiencing so many hardships over your adulthood and it would be unreasonable for anyone to judge you on how you have managed this. We are sorry you were told you would “grow out of it”, we hope this didn’t dimmish the struggles and journey of recovery you have been on since then. Although overtime we can learn to manage and process how we react to our negative feelings in different and hopefully more ‘healthy’ ways, an individual does not just ‘outgrow’ self-harming. These processes of growth take time, nurturing and support, but seeking help and advice on the issue is always a positive step.

We can hear that you are struggling with alcohol and substance misuse at present and hope that you are making sure to consider your health. It sounds like you have a supportive partner, and it is excellent that you are actively involved with your psychiatrist. But have you recently engaged with your GP to discuss the physical impacts of your ongoing anxiety and alcohol use, such as your weight loss?

Have you ever engaged with the National Alcohol and Other Drug Hotline? They offer advice and support to those suffering from and supporting those struggling with misuse. They can be called on 1800 250 015 or via their site- https://www.emhprac.org.au/directory/national-alcohol-and-other-drug-hotline/

Please remember if you feel the need to talk about this or any issue our counsellors are available 24/7, you can contact Beyond Blue either via phone 1300 22 4636 or web chat: http://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/get-immediate-support

We would also like to suggest Lifeline on 13 11 14 or at https://www.lifeline.org.au/crisis-chat/, they offer support and assistance for anyone experiencing suicidal thoughts.

If at any point those thoughts of self-harm become overwhelming and you believe you are at risk, or you no longer feel safe we urge you to contact emergency services on 000.

Please feel free to express yourself and your concerns openly and without fear of judgement as this is a safe space. Once again, we are so glad you have joined the forums and we hope that you feel welcomed into the community.

Warm regards
Sophie M

therising · ‎15-06-2022

The warmest of welcomes to you possibly_euphoria

My heart goes out to your family with them having lost so much in the floods. You sound like such a deeply feeling person and I imagine you can feel their stress and grief in a number of ways.

My heart goes out to you also as you struggle with no longer being able to tolerate a lot of the ways that used to work for you to some degree. I can relate to the drinking, as I'm a gal who drank my way through years of depression. For me the alcohol was an emotional regulator. Still with some degree of social anxiety, I used to manage that through drinking. I managed the downs through alcohol, the ups (using it to keep me up), the challenges, the sense of emptiness, the feeling of a lack of direction, low self esteem and so on.

When I think of the number of things that never served me throughout my depression, I'm wondering if you can relate to some of them

Mentally, the internal dialogue rarely served me well. Not knowing why it was there didn't serve me (what brought it into being and kept it going). Not knowing how my brain functioned while in depression or any other emotional state didn't serve me either
Physically, not knowing how I ticked biologically or chemically didn't help. Not being aware of the chemical reactions between my own chemistry and the chemicals I was adding to that left me simply feeling the reactions and typically not in a good way. Instead of being some 'mad scientist' experimenting, I was more so a 'sad scientist'. When I think about periods in my life of being deprived of good sleep and what those periods did to me (in the way of depression), whether it involved post natal depression or sleep apnea, the impact of sleep deprivation was mind altering, as was B12 deficiency
Naturally, I believe we're designed to feel, which comes with both an up side and a down side. Not knowing how to feel my way through life constructively or why I was feeling life and my connection to it or disconnection from it was a major factor. The idea we can feel our thoughts, what we imagine and our internal dialogue, we can feel our circumstances, the nature of others, our energy levels, a shift in our chemistry, the effects of dis-ease/unease in our body and so on can make it challenging, to be able to feel so much. To feel pure exhaustion that can come with ADHD would, of course, make things even more challenging

I can relate to the challenges that come with feeling so much and, again, my heart goes out to you.

Bob_22 · ‎15-06-2022

Hi possibly_euphoria,

As mentioned before, welcome to the forums. It sounds corny but you really have taken a great step toward improving your mental health by just having the willingness and the right mindset (my doctor always tells me that willingness is a huge protective factor).

I'm sorry to read about all your issues and about having loved ones impacted by the floods. I can't imagine many people, having experienced all the issues you have mentioned, being able to cope and 'adult' by themselves. I feel overwhelmed simply trying to understand how you might feel about everything on top of your underlying mental health issues you raised. There are some great resources on this website and Sophie M has highlighted some key contacts to use should you need them.

My tidbit of advice would be to go gentle on yourself. You shouldn't expect yourself to be 'functional' or self-sufficient (especially after everything you've mentioned). It is okay to take some time for yourself, although I understand that's not easy for everyone and that you mentioned you have financial stress. On top of that though, I would recommend you just take everything one step at a time, one foot in front of the other. Don't expect to be able to handle everything on your plate, just focus on the next step.

You have come onto this website which is a great first step, you mentioned you have a psychiatrist appointment which is a great second step. And with each step just prioritise what's important. e.g. maybe taking your phone off DND to talk to a friend, family member or colleague about the pressure you feel at work.

Hope this makes some sense.

Bob