hopeless. the battle is neverending.

[jumpyjellyfish-]

Hi all, I haven't been here in a while.

I'm getting no where. And honestly, I'm at the end of my tether. I've done all the thing people say to do - I've reached out, I try to do self care, seek therapy, use healthy coping strategies... but nothing seems to work. I've been pushed between countless mental health professionals and GP's because they say they can't help me. I'm SO exhausted. It feels like I can't escape this feeling of hopelessness. It's crushing me, its like this heavy weight on my shoulders that prevents me from being happy. Between juggling an eating disorder, depression, anxiety, OCD, self harm and suicidal thoughts for so long, it just doesn't work. I want to make the pain stop. I need it to stop. I need it to all go away.

Not long ago, I was close to attempting to take my own life, and the thing that stopped me was literally that I numbed out and being unable to physically move my body. I just sat there for an hour. In hindsight, I'm glad that happened so that I didn't do anything I would regret, but there's a part of me that still wishes I was gone, that the countless near misses had been plans followed thru. It's so confusing though. I don't know if i want to die.

I am safe from these thoughts tonight, I just need a space to express them. Sending much love to everyone out there struggling, you are not alone<3

[therising]

Hi jumpyjellyfish

I really get how the self analysis can become a bit of a trap. Can be so far in without fully realising. Before you know it, you're in so deep to the point where you can feel your thoughts while then analysing how you can feel your thoughts. Hope that makes sense. Becomes a real whirlpool of thought, analysis and emotion, while stuck in it going 'round and 'round, wishing something or someone would say something profound to pull you out.

Emotions are such strange things. I believe by the time I've finished living my life through into my eighties or so, I'll be confident in saying 'I have felt and discovered more than a thousand emotions in my lifetime'. Of course, there are all the standard ones but the emotions or energies in motion that scream such things as 'This is what completely lost feels like' or 'This is what not knowing how to live, under the circumstances, feels like' etc can been challenging to make sense of. 'What the heck is this feeling I've never felt before?' precedes discovering what it's truly about. Then there is the precise feel of every level of certain emotions, just to complicate things...

While a basic level of waiting for a difference can feel 'agitating' and a next level sense of waiting can feel 'disturbing' and even 'angering', nothing compares with a depressing level of waiting for a difference we can desperately be longing to feel. It's strange to think, how waiting can reach depressing levels. I'd never thought waiting could feel so intense until I felt it for myself. Waiting is an emotional experience, not just a thing we do or have to do at times.

As feelers, we'll be feeling so much in life, through the telling sensations that make themselves known in our physical body. We will feel our self waiting, feel our self being put down or degraded, feel our self reach positively chilling epiphanies to the point where what rings true through the whole of our body can be felt at some soulful and even guiding level. Our inner compass can feel like a form of torture at times.

[jumpyjellyfish-]

back again. i was doing okay for a little while but the past few weeks things have been slipping quite a bit. again. im in a dark place at the moment, depression is  kicking my ass and i can barely function. im so busy but so tired so i get home from /work/footy/schooling and just cry and can't do basic things like brush my teeth or shower. im burnt out too i think. my eating disorder and struggle with self harm is flaring up more often, im getting overstimulated so easily, my space is a complete mess... the list goes on and on. i've had so many thoughts around suicide too (to be clear i am safe), and its honestly feeling so hard. nothing feels worth it. even the things i usually love. i want to do absolutely nothing. living feels like hell. i feel so out of options because every time i try to even do something small it doesn't work and i feel like a failure. i also have a couple breaks in therapy and next time i see my psych is in just under a month, so that isn't helping. im barely keeping my head above water and i dont see the point in trying to swim.

also, therising. thankyou. i don't have the energy to formulate a proper response right now but i appreciate your insight and support as always.

[therising]

Hi jumpyjellyfish- 

While low energy is said to be a side effect of depression, I've also come to see it as being a definite cause for depression at times. For example, low B12 levels were never an issue for me until my levels of B12 (a vital form of energy) became so low to the point where they led to chemical and emotional depression. Sleep apnea was never a depressing issue for me until I developed a depressing level of sleep apnea. With good quality sleep being something that restores energy (all that good chemistry that works its magic over night in our bodies), the magic just wasn't happening and I could feel it on so many levels. 

Looking back over the years, I can name at least a dozen different causes for the depressions I've found myself in. I think if it wasn't for a lot of different diagnoses, I would have been led to believe 'I'm simply prone to depression'. Nowadays, it's a matter of 'What kind of depression am I in?'. Is its origin physical/chemical, psychological or soulful/soul destroying? Has it become a combo?

Not having enough energy with which to feel life or alive is one of my major triggers for depression. If you can imagine yourself as a human battery, you can feel yourself in a state of charge, just as you can feel yourself in 'flat battery' mode. In this case the questions become 'What is depleting my energy?' and 'How do I recharge to the point where I can feel myself in charge (in more ways than one)?'. Some of the many conductors: Hydro power (pure water to energise every cell in the body), nuclear power (uncontaminated or pure food/chemistry from the earth), solar power (helping produce chemistry, incl vitamin D), soulful energy (pure inspiration that you can feel), psychic energy (being able to clearly see the way forward/being a seer) etc. We humans can be serious hard work at times. Btw, with kinetic energy or energy generating energy (aka exercise), if you can feel yourself heating up you're technically feeling yourself conducting large amounts of energy.

Sounds like you might be in 'flat battery' mode. Are you seriously out of charge to the point where it's depressing?

[jumpyjellyfish-]

thankyou x and yep... very much out of charge. very close to a completely flat battery:') right now its physical, from not fueling my body properly and purging, and as hard as this one is to admit to myself, i also think i'm overexcersising, which makes me drained... moving my body can help bring me a bit out of depressive moods at times but for me theres a fine line between helpful and obsessive. oh and just general mood. hmm, im reading what you said and realising theres a lot of contributing factors isn't there. i guess the main thing just feels like i don't have the motivation to do anything because im feeling so hopeless... like i rode the high for a little while where things were okay and then suddenly they got harder again and shit hit the fan. im not sure if i'm making sense, just realised its 1 in the morning. anyways. i'm not too sure what to do at the moment. im finding it really hard to find balance... ive gone to the gym and then binged watch shows all afternoon. kind of an extreme balance. i need something more sustainable but im not sure how to get it when nothing feels acheivable.

[therising]

Hi jumpyjellyfish-

It's just so tormenting, hey. I kind of see things in the way of 'recipes' at times. While this lot of all the right ingredients for life may work today, they may not work tomorrow. That recipe of ingredients may work under these conditions but they won't produce the best results under those conditions. Extremely tormenting. I suppose part of it all involves finding key ingredients for life, ones that can unlock potential, perception, energy and a whole lotta other stuff.

While there can be the ideal recipe for more energy/excitement in life, such as the ingredients previously mentioned - hydration, energising sleep/rest, an energising diet etc etc, I've also learned about many of the key ingredients regarding the perfect recipe for depression:

• Not being able to see the way forward (like a blank screen in our mind). So important to find someone who can see for us (aka a guide)
• No sense of connection to life. As mentioned, whether that's for chemical reasons, mental ones or soulful ones, hard to sense what we just can't feel or what's not there for one reason or another. In this case I've found it pays to 'lose my mind and come to my senses' on occasion. For example, if I don't think about a flower but just smell it and feel how that smells, I may feel a simple sense of joy through that flower. Of course, if the reasons for depression involves a depressing chemical deficiency, for example, a sense of smell may make no difference
• A depressing lack of excitement and energy (exhaustion)
• A depressing lot of people in my life, who lead me to or leave me vibing in a sense of hopelessness
• A depressing routine that's not doing me any favours or other people's depressing routines that lead me to feel disconnected from them and life in some ways
• A depressing chemical imbalance

and the list goes on.

I think it can sometimes come down to writing a recipe book of sorts. Also known as 'keeping a journal', taking note of what works under certain conditions means it can become a 'go to' book for multiple ways of coming to life. With such a thing, some combined ingredients may reveal themselves as being bitterly depressing or as being a kind of comforting soul food. Some combos may prove to be so sweet that they put us on a high. Some recipes may prove tasteless to the point where there's no sense of joy or sadness (just a kind of nothingness). We may find where there's a need to spice things up or a need to get rid of a certain ingredient altogether (break a habit or delete a belief system).

While there a plenty of recipe books out there (self help books with a lot of the right ingredients for life), a personal 'recipe book' or journal must be written through personal experience. Btw, I like to see myself as a bit of an apprentice, looking for tips anywhere I can get them 😊

[jumpyjellyfish-]

oh my god im a mess. i don't even know if i can explain it but i want to try. im saying and doing so many things that feel so out of control and out of anger and hopelessness and upset. ive been so so upset. bawling my eyes out. i cant control how I'm feeling and I'm being so irrational and attention seeking and irritated and i hate myself for it.

my eating disorder has gotten real bad. somehow i manage to fit restriction, obsessive excersise, purging and bingeing about a week's worth of food into single days. i don't know what's wrong with me. 

there's more but i don't know if i can go into it here. im struggling. im going to have a chat with my phone counsellor from kids helpline tomorrow so ive at least got that... i just needed to get this out. ive either pushed people away or ive tried to get closer because i don't wanna lose them. i don't know what im doing anymore. i messed up big today with my sister and a friend within 1 hours and i feel like a horrible person. maybe i am a horrible person. i just know i cant keep feeling like this. 

[therising]

Hi jumpyjellyfish

Do you get a sense that there are a lot of feelings coming to the surface all at once and you kinda just don't know exactly what they all are?

When I'm feeling incredibly angry, seemingly from out of nowhere, I find it's not entirely anger I'm feeling and it definitely doesn't come from out of nowhere. In looking back, there'll always be a lead up to how I'm feeling, a set of triggers that I just didn't recognise. With anger being the result, the question becomes 'What's it the result of?'. Not feeling loved enough? If I'm depressed and I finally realise no one's really been stepping in to pull me out of that in any strategic intensely loving ways, 'Not feeling the love' is something I can sense. No sense of direction whatsoever? This, for me, is also known as 'Feeling myself unable to move forward because I'm collapsed in a heap at some kind of crossroads in life, in tears, not knowing which way to go'. A sense of internal screaming? Also known as 'Feeling some sense of self screaming to get out'. It'll typically be a part of me I've been working hard to suppress for one reason or another. I think if we're sensitive enough, we'll be able to sense what's going on (feel it). The problem can come down to 'What the heck is this emotion or feeling I'm actually sensing within myself?'. Often the treasures (revelations) are only discovered in the depths. So, it becomes about diving deeper, in order to reach them. I hope your counselor helps with the dive.

There is a massive difference between a horrible person and a person who is just so desperate to work themself out while struggling greatly in the process. As you struggle to come to know yourself better, remember...if you weren't such a conscious and caring person, you wouldn't feel so bad. You're a good person struggling with great challenges, challenges you can feel in so many ways.

[jumpyjellyfish-]

thanks therising, especially for that last thing you said:) really appreciate it. sometimes i get so in my own head so its nice to hear someone say that... ❤️

i tried to comment twice yesterday and respond more, neither which went through for some reason.

i definitely feel a strong sense of overwhelm, like every thing is overstimulating and im really agitated, the smallest things are getting to me you know? plus eating stuff is a big struggle atm, anorexia gets a bit better and bulimia gets a million times worse. it's soooo great-_- oh well. see my psychologist in a few days. nice after a months break. I'm just sick of it yk? i do have some sense that im feeling all these things like guilt, frustration, hopelessness, low, all those other really uhm, FuN emotions, but i wish i had a clearly reason. it's like this chicken or egg situation. I'm feeling rubbish because of mental illness and feeling rubbish makes my struggles with mental illness worse. i don't know anymore.

[therising]

Hi jumpyjellyfish

Mental health challenges can definitely involve that chicken and egg factor. Chickens and eggs and cycles. Around and around it goes, with no obvious starting point. If only someone was to say 'This is where it all started and this is how it has all played out, with these completely unexpected factors thrown into the mix'. Our response would then be 'Of course! It all makes complete sense. How did I not see that? I can't believe how well I've actually managed up to this point, given all those factors'.

I suppose that could look a little like someone having always been sensitive to feeling other people's judgements and words. Other people can be highly triggering when they give themself permission to not use a thoughtful filter. It could look like that person also being an empath (feeling other people's emotions, without realising), resulting in 'I don't know what's wrong with me, why I suddenly feel so down for no reason'. Could involve them being sensitive to the inner dialogue that can come from so many different facets of who we are. All those kinds of things and more. And then there can be those unexpected factors that can really turn the volume up on certain emotions as they impact our energy, bringing us down into a low. Iron or B12 deficiency, serious sleep deprivation, being exhausted through multiple challenges to the point where they're almost suffocating (changing the way we breathe).

I smile when I say when we're trying to work out whether the chicken or the egg came first, we can be actually be trying to manage a chicken farm 🐣🐣🐥🐤🐤🤔. There can be so many individual factors and emotions in play all at once. We could be an empathic type who's sensitive to inner dialogue while trying to manage triggering people, while in a state of pure exhaustion from an iron deficiency and we're feeling it all. That's one heck of a challenge to be feeling collectively. I try to identify each one of my chickens. 'You are the effects of sleep apnea I can feel. You are a lack of support I can feel. You are the feeling of 'completely lost with no sense of direction'. You represent my ability to feel for others' etc etc etc. Still sticking with the chicken analogy, as long as I know which chickens I'm dealing with, I can manage them. Of course, it's the nature of life for a new one to pop up now and then, a new challenge with a new emotion or set of emotions.

Hoping the upcoming psychologist appointment offers you a positive mind altering revelation on your path to greater self understanding ❤️

[jumpyjellyfish-]

My psychologist appointment was a massive relief, although I was so anxious about it. I told her I was feeling really depressed and she asked about suicidal thoughts and wel,l that conversation went a lot easier than I thought it would. I appreciate that she didn't ask a million questions, but she knows enough to know where I'm at.  Anyways.

I am really overwhelmed right now. I'm starting my job as a personal carer in aged care early morning tomorrow (trainee) , and I'm so stressed. What if I do something wrong, or I can't find yhe building I'm in, or... you know? I'm stressssed. I also feel suicidal. I'm safe but man oh man I don't want to be here. And I feel alone. I have next to no one in my life I see who knows I'm struggling or who's a person I even feel loved by. 

Oh man I definutely have a massive chicken farm lol.