hopeless. the battle is neverending.

[jumpyjellyfish-]

Hi all, I haven't been here in a while.

I'm getting no where. And honestly, I'm at the end of my tether. I've done all the thing people say to do - I've reached out, I try to do self care, seek therapy, use healthy coping strategies... but nothing seems to work. I've been pushed between countless mental health professionals and GP's because they say they can't help me. I'm SO exhausted. It feels like I can't escape this feeling of hopelessness. It's crushing me, its like this heavy weight on my shoulders that prevents me from being happy. Between juggling an eating disorder, depression, anxiety, OCD, self harm and suicidal thoughts for so long, it just doesn't work. I want to make the pain stop. I need it to stop. I need it to all go away.

Not long ago, I was close to attempting to take my own life, and the thing that stopped me was literally that I numbed out and being unable to physically move my body. I just sat there for an hour. In hindsight, I'm glad that happened so that I didn't do anything I would regret, but there's a part of me that still wishes I was gone, that the countless near misses had been plans followed thru. It's so confusing though. I don't know if i want to die.

I am safe from these thoughts tonight, I just need a space to express them. Sending much love to everyone out there struggling, you are not alone<3

[lostblackbird]

hi .. I just wanted to reach out and say I am so sorry that you are struggling so much. I am right alongside you as we both juggle this horrible, hellish feeling that consumes us.  I am so glad you're still here, fighting. Even when I know how much it feels it'd be easier to just stop altogether 😢

I'm not going to assume to know or understand your own personal demons that drive these thoughts & actions (cos heck knows mine are kept well hidden from everyone!) Just know I am thinking of you and sending you all the positivity I can conjure up.

[therising]

Hi jumpyjellyfish

The dialogue between what's anxiety inducing and what's depressing can be so torturous at times. Can sound like 'You should be able to manage things like everyone else but you can't because you're hopeless. You can't manage your time, the challenges you face or even yourself. Face facts, you're always going to be like this and there's nothing you can do about it'. Of course, none of it's true. Being able to feel what's anxiety inducing and depressing presents challenges. Throw all that inner dialogue into the mix and the overall challenge ramps up (the challenge of 'self understanding').

I've found picking something that's easy to imagine can help shift things. If I imagine I have some kind of 'sage' in me, the sage becomes a 3rd party observer of the banter and manager of it. If I open my mind and imagine some form or divine guidance, what comes in can sound like 'No one's leading you to a difference you can feel. You need to find a leader'. Sounds strange but some of the keys to managing my mental health come through my imagination.

Definitely stay on top of the thyroid level. I've found 'normal' is different for everyone. Low end of normal for B12 in Australia is 200. I start to feel blah when I drop below 400. Took a few years and blood tests to pinpoint my threshold. In other countries they raised the low end of normal, realising 200-400 was missing people with mild B12 deficiency who were showing symptoms. What's normal for each of us ranges.

If you can pick why you self harm, you can then choose the best path for managing it. If it involves an adrenaline rush, that's one path. Self hatred will dictate a different path. If it involves feeling the sensation itself, that's another. If it's a combo, that's another. If you're a seeker of adrenaline, this may define you as a seeker of adrenaline without enough resources with which to feel the hits. Kayaking on a lake is such a beautiful hit. My son led me to this high. He knew best. Sometimes others know best 🙂

[jumpyjellyfish-]

im having a really horrible time. i was really suicidal last night... i spoke to one of the 2 counsellors i have from kids helpline at least today and told her about it. she also told me today that my other counsellor whom i havent been able to speak to for months, is no longer being a counsellor anymore. im a mess. i have been talking to her since october 2020. she saved my damn life. ive been so upset then i felt so empty and numb but now its all coming back and my head hurts with anxiety and i dont know what to do. im so sick of people leaving. she is calling me on wednesday to have a closure call... but what, im supposed to say, thanks for being the reason im still alive but talk to you never again'?? im grieving this a lot. and now im feeling so hopeless again. i want all th epain to stop, it feels like theres just constantly more and more and more.. until what?

im safe anyways for the moment. just really struggling. things have been awful the past few days.

geez. anyways. needed to let that out. i feel incredibly alone and hurt. thankyou both too<3

blackbird - thankyou xx i am here for you too. it means a lot, knowing that im not alone you know?

therising - my why for self harm is confusing to me because it feels like its for coping with a lot. but its mostly regulating emotions. it really is a combo though. idk. thankyou ❤️

[Sophie_M]

Hi jumpyjellyfish-,

We’re really glad you could come to the forum to share this with our community. We know it isn’t easy to share something like this, but we think it’s a powerful step and we really appreciate your openness and bravery in sharing.

We’ve reached out to you privately to make sure you’re ok. If you want to reach out to our counsellors to talk this through, we’re on 1300 22 4636, and you can reach us online here at any time (we know you have your counsellors at Kids Help Line, which we're very happy about, but we want you to know that we're here for you too). 

We wondered if you’d like to share some of the things that have helped you in the past? Maybe it’s calling a friend or a helpline, exercising, or using an app for mindfulness or distraction? Please visit our Self Harm & Self Injury fact sheet for ideas on how to look after yourself. You can find it here.

We're so impressed with how you cope and all the sharing, caring and support you offer others as well.

Kind regards,

Sophie M

[therising]

Hi jumpyjellyfish

While I used to see disappointment as 'this horrible thing we face on occasion', I've come to realise over time that it's more so a process we manage in some cases. If the disappointment is great, like the one you face in regard to your go to person having left their position, it can come to resemble the 5 stages of grief. Denial, bargaining, anger, depression and acceptance can feel like a long and painful process to get through. You can be sometimes left wondering why, when having appointed someone to a role, the dis-appointment of that role can feel like such a mixed emotion process. With my 84yo mum being one of my best mates as well as being one of my go to people for helping me see life in the ways I need to see it (esp when I'm depressed), I know I'm heading toward having to dis-appoint her from that role, based on her age and poor health. Whether this happens in the next year or the next 10, this time will come. How we each manage the process of disappointment depends on so much. Perhaps some key questions

• Who in my life can now fill that role?
• Do I need a whole circle of go to people for the first time in my life? What does such a circle look like? Will it have a philosopher in it, who's prepared to discuss the deeper questions and not shut those questions down like a lot of people do? Will it have non judgemental people in it, who won't judge my actions harshly but instead lead me to better understand why I act the way I do? Will it have an adventurer in it, who takes me out of thinking and into doing the things that nourish my soul? Outside the square but will it even have a massage therapist, who'll take care of the stress/tension in my body that builds through all the stressful things I face in my life? Do I actually need a collection of people to make up for the 1 person I've lost?
• Do I need to begin seeing feelings/emotions differently perhaps? Could they become a part of my guidance system, as opposed to me simply seeing them as the things that make my life hell?

List goes on.

One key thing about disappointment is...it pushes you to make new appointments. From old to new, the in between (limbo) can feel so incredibly depressing. We can't stay in the in between. There is too much sufferance there.

[therising]

Hi jumpyjellyfish

Just checking in to see how you're managing. I hope you're giving yourself some credit when it comes to managing to the best of your abilities. Your abilities will continue to change, developing over time. I know it can be so hard to hold that kind of vision at times.

My 17yo son has always been somewhat of a sage, even when he was a toddler. Can recall sitting with him one day (when he was about 😎 and having him say to me 'If you could ask me any question, what would it be?'. Giving this some thought, I asked 'How can I be a better person?'. He paused for thought before responding with 'You already are a better person'. It blew me away. I'd never thought about it before, how far I'd come from who I used to be. I'd faced so many challenges, including the ins and outs of depressions and here I was in that moment, more advanced although still struggling.

It's so easy to lose sight of how far we've come, so easy. We can walk so many challenging paths with so many detours. We can work so hard while desperately seeking new skills/abilities through the stops along the way. We can overcome so many trip hazards and depressions in the road while also wishing others would shed the light we long for on the darker parts. We can also come across some challenging saboteurs along the way. And here we stand, a better person for having traveled so far, so consistently, so courageously and sometimes just so exhausted in the process. Here we stand, someone magnificent, whether we believe it or not.

[jumpyjellyfish-]

wow. i havent been here in a while, something reminded me of the forums and decided to pop in. i mainly use the kids helpline one so i forget. nonetheless.

i wanted to update this post with something a little more positive, at least than the rest of my past comments. is anyone going to read it? i have no idea. that doesnt really matter at the moment. i just want to express this.

that said, if therising you happen to see this. your second comment feels very relevant right now. so thankyou. its funny how something from a few months ago can be so applicable right now. probably was good timing actually x

so. i found a good therapist. im actually kind of getting somewhere. i cannot express in words just how much it means to finally have a suitable psychologisy. im still trying to reckon with my diagnosis of anorexia - its very hard to admit it - but, im slowly gettign more open to the idea of recovery. im proud of myself. im getting better at eating regularly, im learning that my idea of a 'binge' isnt actually too much food, its bloody hard but im trying.

earlier tonight, i was having these thoughts of suicide methods come into my mind. im completely safe, my mind just goes to those specific things when im overwhelmed still sometimes. have no intention to do anything like that tonight, havent had that urge for a little while actually xx anyways. i feel like in a way, ive been so used to thinking about suicide, that i caught my mind trying to go back to it. trying to trick me into falling down that rabbit hole. the difference though, is that earlier tonight when those thoguhts crept in, i had hope. im so not used to feeling it, but im so grateful. something finally feels as though its going right.

i feel real overwhelmed, yes. i have an immense amount of pressure on me - i mean, the usual 17 year old stuff, plus the pressures of doing school and a health support work traineeship at the same time, working, currently organising vetinary work experience and have to make a lot of phone calls, battling my anxiety, ocd and anorexia everyday (feels weird to say i have anorexia), stress of my relationships being strained, trying to recover and being in therapy - and the daily hw for it, trying to somehow keep myself together. aaaand theres still more. its hard. and i have been so so stressed. so you know, thats... a thing thats a bit tricky lol. but as i said before im doing my best.

i guess at the moment, heres how i could sum things up. im not as depressed as before - and motivation does wonders. im really stressed. im learning a lot. life is chaos. but its not that bad. so yeah. thats where im at at the moment. jsut wanted to write this out somewhere:)

[Sophie_M]

Hi jumpyjellyfish,

We’re really glad you've come back to the forum to share this us again tonight. We know you wanted to update your post with something a little more positive, but we also hear your thoughts are still there and trying to trick you back down that rabbit hole again.

We’ve actually reached out to you privately to make sure you’re ok (please check your private email inbox). However, if you want to reach out to our counsellors to talk this through, we’re on 1300 22 4636, and you can reach us online here. There’s also our friends over at the Suicide Call Back service on 1300 659 467, or Lifeline on 13 11 14. (or Kids Help Line which we know you use, but you can call anytime on 1800 55 1800, as you know).

We'd also really like to recommend you having a look at the Beyond Blue safety planning app at some stage (if you haven't already) . You can read about how it works and where to download it here. You can even call Lifeline and complete it with one of their counsellors over the phone if you'd like.

PLEASE NOTE:  If you ever feel unsafe, please call 000 (triple zero), or attend your nearest hospital emergency department for care. 

Kind regards,

Sophie M

[therising]

Hi jumpyjellyfish

I'm so glad you feel your progress in such a positive way. Such a feeling can be filled with a sense of relief, pride, amazement and so much more. I'm also glad you're able to observe your inner dialogue without it completely consuming you and convincing you of there being only one way out. To be 'the observer' is a massive achievement. Such an achievement speaks of next level consciousness. When people speak of their 'inner demons', observing them is like having the power to say 'It's you again. I'm onto you. I know what you sound like. I know what you feel like. You can shut the hell up right now'. Sometimes it's easier said than done, managing our inner dialogue in such a way.

When I consider how I cycle into periods of depression, I think it's so important to speak of the nature of challenges and the nature of graduating to higher states of consciousness in life. Having come out of long term depression at 35, I'd spent the years that followed wondering why I felt like I could never escape depression in some form. While long term was no longer a factor, regular cycles had become a thing. It's only been in the last couple of years that I realised every progressive experience takes us to a new level and at that new level there will be another challenge or set of challenges which hold the potential to take us to an even higher level of consciousness and achievement. With progressive cycles (through challenge) there can be some depressing elements we can feel and it's not a fault that we can feel or sense them. While you may have managed perhaps 5 key challenges before, now you may be managing 10 (due to increased capability and awareness) while feeling what that can do to the nervous system. So, double the challenges with ability to feel your nervous system talking to you while also consciously managing challenging inner dialogue on top of developing skills in self understanding and self management. Collectively, all these things point to you managing what you've never managed before. This is new. We should never beat our self up over trying to manage what we've never had to graduate through before. It is next level stuff. Personally, I find next level stuff is something I can't always manage without support, guidance, inspiration, strategy and higher levels of self understanding.

Through each challenge, we don't just cycle...we cycle up. We graduate to higher states of achievement and self understanding, among other things. We are raising our self and such hard work is something to be so incredibly proud of.

[jumpyjellyfish-]

Hey therising 🙂

Thankyou so much first off, you have a way with words that's always so thoughtful and genuine. I really appreciate you 🙂

Yeah, it is really good to have a break from at least a little bit, you know? like at the moment I have different things going on to usual, but it feels more manageable to deal with immense anxiety than that combination of maybe less anxiety but severe depression. I'm not sure that tradeoff even sounds that good 😅 but for me, at least recently feeling less of that hopeless feeling literally is a lifesaver. 

I've had to be an observer a lot recently, to my ed. Although that entails white literally writing down how I feel in those moments of challenge (its funny how a moment of challenge for me could be a really yummy breakfast for someone else lol, but hopefully I get to that point). Observing is a funny one, because I feel like I've been doing it, but there are some things I'm realising through that I was never aware of? Not sure if I'm making sense. I've always been told I'm really self aware and I'm aware of what I'm doing and patterns, ya de yada, but right now? I'm realising there are so many things I wasn't aware of, which is overwhelming, but also relieving in a way to figure out. And sometimes it's nice to not be super aware - because of course its a good thing, but I've found in the past it can get to be too much overanalysing myself. Anyways.

Thankyou for that too. Because that's true when I think about it - I haven't done half of this before. I have really high expectations of myself, and a lot has changed. I am proud of myself actually:) My other comment last night probably reflected a bit more of the doom and gloom to how I'm feeling, but I am actually genuinely feeling okay. And it feels more manageable to get through the struggles, which I think is the biggest change for me. It's new but it definitely is a cycle up:))