Hard to talk always keep it to myself.

[Misslea]

Really don't know how to start I'm probs using this page wrong and telling too much info. My Dr said this a great site to start talking about the things that are hard to talk about. Ever since I was young I always knew I was different but didn't quite understand why couldn't even understand why I wanted to die at the age of 11. At almost 27 now I get flashbacks about suppressed memories and understand things as to why I am the way I am. People always made me think I did everything wrong or that I was a bad person or treated me differently cause I was shy and the fat kid. No one cares about the fat kid. I think that and the bullying made me lose weight as I got older added to my depression and anxiety and helped me develope eating disorders. My father did drugs and was really scary when he drank or got mad but for some reason I was always by his side. I now know I was trauma bonded with him. I loved him no matter how bad things got between us I know he loved and cared for me but at the same time the drugs turnt him into something he wasn't. When he was on drugs he was my pilot dad the lights were on but no one was home. Sober dad was my dad I loved him so much. It pains me to talk about him in this way which makes it hard since I watched him die almost 5 years ago. As I got older he was like my kid. It was us against the world even though when he was on the drugs I had to deal with someone who I couldnt recognise. I've always been the type to self-harm just to feel something other than mental pain. But after my dad passed I couldn't take it. I remembered my family and how I couldn't put them through anymore pain and another loss and also remembered I had loved ones to protect. I already regret talking about some of these things that happened in my life I swear I'm not loopy and no I'm not a danger to anyone but myself. I recently had two kids in the past 2 years and they have stopped me from ending it all I hate how my mind works. Theres so much more 😔

[Sophie_M]

Dear Misslea,

Welcome to our friendly online community, we are so glad you decided to join us here. We know it can be hard to write the first post, so thank you for having the courage. 

We are so sorry to hear about your upsetting history, but we are glad to hear that things have improved for you. It's also great to hear that you are engaged with a Dr and making active attempts to better your situation (e.g., by posting here). Again, welcome! We are delighted to have you join us! Please know that you've come to a safe, non-judgemental space to talk things through and our community is here to offer as much support, advice and conversation as you need.

We thought we would link you with some support options that may be suitable to you;

• 1800RESPECT. They offer 24/7 confidential information, counselling and support for people impacted by sexual assault, domestic or family violence and abuse. The lovely supportive counsellors have a lot of experience offering advice and support to anyone who has been through trauma like this. You can contact them on 1800 737 732 or visit  https://www.1800respect.org.au/
• You can also find information on support groups is available on the Black Dog Institute site here - https://www.blackdoginstitute.org.au/resources-support/support-groups/ It might be helpful to join a support group to try and build a social network in your area.​​​

We hope you find the forums helpful, and if you do, we encourage you to post when you're feeling up to it and think it might be useful. 

[Misslea]

Thank you so much for getting back to me and giving me information to sites I may need to use. I'm so sorry for some of the things I posted I really should have read up on this site before posting. I'm just in a vulnerable place and It's my first time telling some of my stories and got carried away without thinking the harm it could've done to other members. Once again thank you for taking time out of your day to reply and sorry for not following the rules ❤

[geoff]

Hello Misslea, please don't worry about what you have said, all of us have been through our own type of depression, ranging from one condition to another type, so we read many different comments, that's if we want to or we have the time to do so.

Talking about your dad is your experience and you have every right to say what you want and look forward for you to continue.

My best.

Geoff.

[therising]

The warmest of welcomes to you Misslea:)

I'm so glad you came here, feeling the need to open up while respecting that feeling. You've come to a place of such beautiful open minded caring people. While many come with the intention of opening up, they soon find themselves being of great service to others along the way. Never underestimate the support and words of wisdom you have to offer others here, based on your own experience.

I see you as being an incredibly strong person. The strongest of people can experience pure emotional exhaustion which can lead to the illusion that they're not so strong. Within such an illusion, the truth remains - there is a history of great strength. You have expressed a history of great strength. My heart goes out to you so much as you face that history and the challenges that come with it.

I think of my 16yo son who faced some soul destroying bullying over the years. I'm not sure I would have had the strength he has displayed throughout those years. While on occasion he emotionally collapsed under the pressure of bullying, it's his strength that has led him to reach this point in time, finally questioning all that happened over the years. With clarity, he has found he is sensitive to what can be so depressing (such behaviour as relentless bullying/emotional abuse), he is sensitive to what does not serve him, he's sensitive to disrespect and sensitive to so much more. Through such trying times, he's come to understand his ability to sense what is not always obvious to others. If you were to put him in a room mixed with a number of different people, he would easily be able to sense who is a subtle narcissist, who is subtly emotionally abusive, who does not serve others (based on them being self serving in a number of ways) and who is subtly disrespectful. He's developed a highly sensitive radar to such persons. He has the ability to pick up on subtleties when others can't. In other words, he can easily read people based on how he feels their nature and their words. He's become an experienced 'feeler'. I imagine, based on your experience with bullying, you'd have a similar ability.

I've found highly sensitive people or 'feelers' are typically different from most. They can be 'the black sheep of the family' kind of people. Such folk are outstanding in so many amazing ways, partly because they're able to feel so much so easily, without effort.

Btw, one of the greatest triggers for a sensitive person is...an insensitive person.