Feeling stuck

[Kat-E-P]

Hi there, I’ve a history of CPTSD and BPD, I’ve been going through med changes for over a year and now I’m having another back to a dose I was previously on. My best friend has needed to step back from our friendship because I am negative and helping me is too traumatic which it totally fair, and I do not blame her at all. it’s been a very hard time and she has been through a lot with me, I totally understand she needs a break. But Now I’m scared that I will also burn out my husband so I think I need to keep all of my thoughts and struggles to myself except for when I see my psychologist or psychiatrists. I relapsed with self harm to try to feel something different after a few months of not doing it. It didn’t help. Now I just feel sad, alone and helpless stuck on a cycle of med change after med change. Wondering if a combination that works for me will come up. In the meantime the loneliness feels heart breaking

[therising]

Hi Kat-E-P

You sound like such a thoughtful person, with you deeply considering how your friend and husband might be feeling. Such an incredibly thoughtful person. I feel so deeply for you as seek some form of light to help light your path in the way forward.

I don't think a lot of specialists are fully aware of how incredibly depressing the search for the right med/s can be. Such a search needs to be managed so strategically, as a long line of trialing all the wrong ones can lead to such challenging internal dialogue at times. From my own experience in my younger years, that dialogue tended to sound a little like 'You will never find what works. You'll be stuck feeling this way forever. You're just so broken. No wonder no one loves you' and on it would go. Seriously brutal and depressing stuff. As you possibly deal with some of that at times, try and remember that you are perhaps the hardest working person in your life when it comes to how to manage life. Do you know anyone else who works so hard when it comes to self understanding and self management? Give yourself the credit you deserve.

I think one of the most important things for managing mental health challenges would have to be a sense of wonder. While it sounds simplistic, what it leads to can often be what makes some difference. While 'You have depression' is something I often heard from doctors, none of them ever led me to really seriously wonder why. While one psychologist tried to get to the bottom of things, it was just taking too long with no sense of progress I could really feel in any way. It felt more like a waste of time and money. In hindsight it was. While I was often sensitive to what others said, no one ever led me to wonder why. While my self esteem was shot to hell, no one ever led me to wonder why. The list goes on with the lack of wonder. When I began to seriously wonder, that's when I became a researcher in a way. I wondered why my brain ticked the way it did. I wondered about such sensitivity and began to realise I can feel what people say to me, what feels depressing and what feels inspiring. I wondered about a whole variety of therapies, as opposed to the typical ones. Again, the list goes on but, in this case, it was a wonderful or wonder filled list.

I think it's always worth wondering about who or what triggers us. Who or what triggers a shift in our nature? Who triggers the sage in us to come to life or the intolerant ranting maniac in us or the sad child in us (looking for love and guidance)? Who triggers the adventurer in us, the wonderer or the part of us that can feel joy and inspiration? I admit, I'm a gal who's easily triggered. What part of me that is triggered to come to life will depend on the nature of the person or the people I face or the nature of the situation I face. One of the hardest skills would have to involve being able to channel that part of our self that serves us best at any given time. The analyst? The feeler (sensitive aspect, able to sense)? The wonderer/researcher that longs to get started when it comes to finding answers? There are just so many facets to who we are.

❤️

[Kat-E-P]

Thank you so much for your response. It was so considered and kind. 
I still battle with at times, being consumed by my CPTSD and I know it’s a long process that can take years to untangle.
my psychiatrist thinks that changing my meds will gain me more stability, TMS is on the table.

I’m trying to work out how to be able to be a functional person during the process. 

I am just so stuck in the grief of what has happened to me and that it is a burden that aside from a therapist, I have to carry alone. 

Flashbacks that leave you immobile, triggers that scare you, nightmares you wake sweating and crying from and it’s all still a secret that you have to continue to hide because the weight of it is too much to tell loved ones. 

it makes me feel so alone. 

[therising]

Hi Kat-E-P

That secret sounds like such an enormous burden to be carrying alone. I hope one day you are able to give yourself the freedom to share it with someone, beyond your therapist, who can help manage the weight of it and perhaps change your perception of it so that it stops leading you to feel so much incredible pain. Perception can be such a truly brutal and depressing thing at times.

The TMS therapy sounds interesting. I wish people would come to realise just how hard those who suffer through mental health challenges really work. They'll try just about everything in order to make and feel some difference. Many are willing to open their minds in order to research and try whatever may work. The challenge to stay alive while in the depths of depression is an enormous challenge and full credit must be given to those who take on that challenge, especially while thoroughly exhausted from it.

❤️