Feel like I can’t do this anymore, I am exhausted

[Bren23]

To those who say “it gets better” “ just keep going” I am sorry but it doesn’t feel that way and I don’t feel like I have the strength to keep going. I am fighting a losing battle and I don’t see the point in continuing to fight when I have been like this for 15 years; each time it comes around it’s even stronger then before ; I am and have been on anti depressants for years, I’ve seen therapists galore, when you think things are finally turning around... nope that doesn’t happen. My perceptual reality is loneliness, it is all I have known; people don’t really see you , they don’t really care. I don’t even know why I am reaching out; I guess there is a flicker of hope. I don’t see a light at the end anymore only darkness and despair.

[Sophie_M]

Hey Bren23,

You've shown so much strength in reaching out here tonight, we know that this can be an incredibly difficult thing to do when you're feeling so exhausted. We're really sorry to hear how much you've been struggling with these intense thoughts and feelings and can hear that you must be in a great deal of pain. But please know that our wonderful community are here for you, and can help offer their kind support and advice through this difficult time- you never have to go through this alone. Our Support Service is also trying to reach out to you via email as we're worried about you. 

Please know that there is always hope, and always somewhere to turn in dark moments like these. Help is always available to you, whether it's from our kind mental health counsellors at Beyond Blue (1300 22 4636) or our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467). The understanding counsellors are here for to you anytime- night or day- as often as you need during overwhelming moments like these.

However, if you every feel unable to keep safe, this is an emergency and it's really important that you call 000 (triple zero) straightaway

We hope that you can find some comfort in the kind words from our caring community, and please feel free to tell us more about what's on your mind and how we can best help support you. We're all here to help you through this Bren23.

[Centaured]

I just wanted to say I hear you Bren23. I hear the pain and sadness.
I wanted you to know you are not alone. We are here, we care. There are others here who feel in a similar dark place too.
It's brilliant you reached out. Continue to do so.

[therising]

Hi Bren23

I wish I could say something that would make all the difference to you, as I feel for you so very deeply and really want to make a difference to where you're at right now.

What would I have wanted people to say to me during my years in depression? By the way, there were actually 15 or so of them before I came out of my depression. I know all the things I didn't want to hear and, yes, there were a lot of them. You know, those things said by people who feel they're doing/saying the right thing:

• Things will get better. My question was always 'How?' Often met with an 'I don't know, they just will'
• You just need to smile more, be more positive
• Just remember, some people have it worse. You should be grateful for what you have

It's a very long list, so I want go on.

Back then, if someone had have said to me 'What would make the difference for you?' My response would have been 'If I knew, I would have made that difference by now'. Looking back, I can say that I now know what that answer is: One, the realisation I am not who I think I am (I know, sounds a little weird and simplistic) and 2, seek those who can relate to how you're feeling, so you can feel 'normal'. I can remember the 1st time in years where I felt 'normal'. Might sound strange but it felt exciting and such an enormous relief. I felt so excited not to feel alone anymore. By the way, after dipping my toes in the world of psychiatrists and trying a multitude of anti depressants, it was group therapy that made the difference to me. I honestly believe nothing else would have made a difference. But that's me. Everyone's different.

That I am not who I think I am factor was triggered in group therapy, as we all added to our list of common traits on a whiteboard. In depression I could say I am exhausted, I am lethargic and unmotivated, I am hopeless and sad, I am heartbroken and angry, I am a loser and I am useless, etc etc. With all these being the traits belonging to depression, they were not me. I had no idea what so ever who I was without them, no idea who I was without depression (that chemistry and perception). Imagine that, one day suddenly realising you don't know who you are. You can be conditioned (over your lifetime) to believe in who you are but you'd be wrong in many cases. It can be depressing and exhausting believing in who you are not. You can spend decades searching for the truth without even realising that's what you're looking for. You are looking for you.

I hope you return 🙂

[Guest_206]

Hi Bren23, your post resonated with me. The thing about experiencing this stuff for years, seeing so many therapists and being on so many different medications and yet still nothing changes. The loneliness too is so hard. I hope you feel like someone here hears your pain and doesn't just dismiss it.