Hi Tinbum1975
I feel for you so very much as I recall the pain, darkness and hopelessness that are found in the depths of depression. It's a truly torturous and lonely place to find our self in. Wish I sitting there right beside you, encouraging you to vent the unbearable intolerance you are facing.
You mention 'I no longer care what happens to me and my wish is to fade away. I have no energy or will any longer'. I'm not sure this will make a difference but I'm hoping it does: I regard myself as having 2 of me in my life. I know, sounds strange. There is the me I used to be and there is the me I have found post depression. The me in a depression was thoroughly drained toward the latter years of my depression, through to the end of my 15 year battle. I'd had enough, there was just no energy left for battle. I didn't care anymore, what happened to me way way or another. I was worthless anyway or so I believed. I remember that 'me' as someone who was exhausted as a people pleaser, as someone who was guilt ridden for all the 'stupid' things I'd done in life, for being a 'failure'. I recall that 'me' as being someone who was worth less because of how I didn't measure up. The list goes on. I'd lost confidence, hope, a positive outlook, respect for myself etc. I'd lost so much. I was...a loser (of things). Then came a reality shift, triggered in a depression group therapy session: I had to let go. I had to let my 'self' fade away. The thought that had been coming to mind for so many years was perhaps inspiration in disguise, 'I can't do this anymore'. I thought it was life I couldn't do. In fact, looking back, I realise what I couldn't do was 'me', the old me.
Not being your natural self is incredibly exhausting. It's like you acting like someone else just about all of the time. You appoint yourself or are appointed the role of 'people pleaser', 'good girl/boy', 'he/she who doesn't upset others', 'he/she who needs to 'toughen up'. Once you disappoint yourself from such roles, you become someone else, you become you, the real you. No acting required. It's like a 'F*** the world' moment, I'm going to do 'me' for the first time since I can remember. And you do begin to re-member yourself, who you were in the beginning. That feisty child who questioned everyone and everything comes back together again, after having been dismembered through soul destroying conditioning over the years.
What's the 1st thing you would do, as your natural self, if given the chance?
🙂
