Existing is pain

[Annie417]

Ive never been to great at expressing my feelings or talking about difficult topics so here goes. I wake up almost everyday just wishing i could die it never ussd to be like this say 2-3yrs ago 2019 was i think the best year ive had in a long time, i was working, doing things with my best friend tahlia, my family situation wasnt that bad and i was genuinely happy. After i lost my job its just been this crazy downhill spiral that im desperately trying to pull myself put of but it feels like all my attemps to better myself have backfired hell i dont even know if they have been attemps to help myself or just to set myself up for failure. Losing tahlia cut me deep and its my own fault i pushed her away but i felt we were both pushing each other away. Its only been a year since we officially stopped talking and it kills me i feel like im decaying from the inside out, she was my only friend at the time and since our fallout ive had literally no one ive made no new mates. No one checks up on me nor do they care about my feelings. So yeah after 2019 life was horrid. My mother was actively using meth/ice whatever with her brother he came to live with us. it went on like this until earlier this year. we had to deal with her psychotic outbursts and my uncle when he had nothing and was coming down it was hell at home us girls would get verbally abused by him. Hes been in jail most of his life and came to fuck ours over like i didnt even know what he looked like until i was 16 or so and he just got out of jail and started intoxicating our life. Arguments at home between me and mum got worse thats when i started hitting myself in the head and i havent stopped since when i feel this pent up anger or mums on one of her rages where shes constantly yelling feels like hours and sometimes they are and its so draining listening to her put us down 24/6 and then for a small period shes all lovey dovey you girls know i love you i dont mean any of the things i say you girls know that right. No we dont.

its just constant pain is all i feel and its from the people around me and myself i think i hurt myself the most but i dont know how like maybe im in denial or something but i do hurt myself and i take almost everything out on myself. I dont even know why i typed this but i think just having someone acknowledge this it would feel like talking to someone about everything i havent been able to tell anyone all this time i dont even feel better after this.

[Sophie_M]

Dear Annie417,

It sounds like things have been very rough for you for some time and that you have little to no support around you. Its almost no wonder you're feeling the way you are. It takes a lot of strength to share whats happening for you and reach out to our online community and we’re really glad that you have.
 
We hope that you find our forums to be a safe and supportive space to talk through your thoughts and feelings. Our community is here for you and we trust that our online members will stop by to provide some support. 

We want you to know that there is always additional support available to you, whether it's from our professional mental health counsellors Beyond Blue (available 24/7 on 1300 22 4636) or our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).

We hope that you stay safe but strongly urge you that if you feel like acting on any thoughts of ending your life, then this is an emergency and you should contact 000 immediately.
 
Keep checking back in with us whenever you need to.

[Learn to Fly]

Hi Annie417,

Thank you for posting this most honest description of your situation. Your struggle sounds so raw and sad and desperate. I am so sorry to hear you have been going through so much. So much in such short period of time.
I want to assure you that everything you decide to share with us will be acknowledged here. People might understand you or not but will always feel for you and try to support you even by saying “we are here for you if you wanna talk”. You might not feel better after the first post, or the second but then you might hear/read something unexpected that is going to change your view.

You might not feel this way but the main thing that strikes me after reading your post is how strong you are. You have gone through so much yet you haven’t given up to choosing a similar path to your mother’s. Many people would have done it choosing it as an easier path. Totally destructive but easier.
You are deeply unhappy, and who wouldn’t be living in such conditions, but you still carry hope - writing your post is a living proof of hope.
As Sophie had suggested, would you consider calling one of our amazing counsellors? They might be able to point you towards getting a more appropriate assistance that might help you and your siblings.
Please always remember that the alternatives are always there and don’t be afraid to ask for help. Because we are here to help and stick by your side.