Exhausted and scared

[crystal78]

I have bpd, depression, aptsd. This is my first time using a forum, so I apologise firstly if it reads a bit over the place. I think I have had a really bad relapse due to putting myself out in the online dating scene only to be constantly misunderstood, then I get ghosted. I am terribly lonely and have been since the end of my marriage. Which I felt alone for 17 years. I developed acute ptsd from child hood trauma then to watching my son go through leukaemia for 3 1/2 years with no family support. I had to leave my marriage due to cultural abuse and subsequently lost my son who lives with his dad. I totally broke down a year ago and had a plan to end it. At the last minute I went to hospital as a voluntary patient. All was going well until my ex from a brief relationship was brought in by police. He was high on drugs and cornered me straight away. I could not believe that this was happening so I discharged myself and went to my gp. This is when I was diagnosed with bpd which did make alot of sense. But I have relapsed twice in 6 months. Each one is triggered by my ptsd then I do some things that are self destructive but feel good at the time. But then comes the self loathing and such hate for myself. Then the suicidal thoughts kick in cause I can't handle my racing thoughts or the feelings that are so intense that you want to anything to not feel or think. I do this alone as I don't know what's worse, possibly being taken to hospital or being alone cause I don't have anyone to talk to that would understand. Each relapse is harder to handle emotionally physically and mentally. I am so exhausted and afraid that I feel it is only a matter of time before I just give in. P.s a new symptom of bpd has also crept in, I'm paranoid constantly that family and friends are absolutely sick of my constant ups and downs. I mean I am so sick and tired of me I don't blame them. 

[therising]

Hi crystal78

You have been through so much with what sounds like not a lot of people raising you through such overwhelming challenges. If anything, a number of people sound like they brought you down. Raising yourself through such challenges is something to be so incredibly proud of. So hard when you're doing a lot of the hard work largely on your own.

'Up and down like a dunny seat', is how my husband chooses to describe my mental health at times. Charming. I admit my moods shift obviously and intensely at times but I've discovered this is always for good reason. So many reasons, including highly questionable triggering comments, such as the one above. It's tough when you're a feeler and you can feel the shift but can't pick why the shift suddenly happened.

• If you can feel the depressing somewhat superficial nature that can come with some dating sites that's a challenge. Some folk specifically choose more soulful kinds of dating sites for that reason
• If you can feel the depressing self righteous abusive nature of some people, that's a challenge. No one stepping in to stop this is also something that can be felt, deeply at times
• Being left alone to work things out for yourself is a whopper of a depressing challenge that can be felt so intensely. Can feel so incredibly soul destroying
• Sudden shift in internal dialogue's a massive one. Read a great book btw called 'Insanely Gifted', by Jamie Catto. Touches on the idea that we have so many different facets to our self. Each time a certain facet's channeled, it can either raise our spirits, lead us to greater logic, deeply depress us, lead us to emotionally detach etc etc. While my wonder filled self can dictate 'Wonder what it'd be like to buy this (which costs $800)', once the responsible bill payer in me kicks in, after I've bought it, can sound a little like 'I can't believe you blew that money. You're unbelievable. You're so irresponsible!'. While the wonderer in me loves the high, the responsible aspect of me can bring me down in a flash

While we can feel bad about the ups and downs and how they lead others to feel, I've found if no one's stepping in to help solve the mystery of why the shifts happen, that's not our fault.

[crystal78]

• Thank you for taking the time to read my post and reply. I understand when you mentioned about uncontrollable shifts, how many tines in a day can you handle them? I will research the book you mentioned as I am still learning all I can about this disability to better manage it. 
• I'm still wondering if I need to be to be in hospital, even though I don't want to go. I just can't handle these thoughts or feelings this time round. I'm scared.
• Thank you so much and I wish you all the happiness  peace and love.

[therising]

Hi crystal

If you're wondering whether going to hospital will make a difference, there's only one way to find out. Will it make a difference or not? Let's see.

With getting a sense of what makes a difference, every type of difference becomes a reference: That almost always works, that occasionally works (depending on circumstances) and that never works. Anything that works or doesn't  can also tell you more about who you naturally are and what you naturally can't tolerate. Eg: If what works in the way of a difference is being led to wonder, this defines you as someone who thrives on wonder, what it offers. Can also establish you as being someone who needs to be around more wonder filled people (your tribe). Closed minded folk can feel intolerable, those who find it easier to judge than open their mind. You know the kind of folk who'll shut your constructive sense of wonder down with 'Don't be ridiculous'.

I've found every shift in mood and mindset's telling/revealing. Besides telling me who I naturally am and what I naturally can't live with, sudden shifts can reveal the nature/behaviour of others. You can meet 10 people in 1 day and can sense how every single one of those people shift your mood and mindset. How many people do you know out there who have the ability to sense individual natures so specifically and so easily? Finding ways to manage this can be so challenging. The practice of semi emotional detachment, where you're largely observing while feeling a little of the nature of others is something worth developing. Whether this leads you to reach out and establish a supportive connection with someone whose social anxiety you can feel or it leads you to put up a wall between you and an arrogant person who's nature you decide not to feel (after you got an initial sense of it), either way you're led to rely heavily on feelings, as opposed to resenting them. 'I can feel what you're doing to me, how you're impacting me, and I trust what I feel' is a great self esteem booster.

Peace, love and happiness back atcha 😊