Downward spiral

[Violet_07]

I need to know if anyone has felt this and that im not just attention seeking but i just want someone to really truly care. Ive self harmed for a few years on and off but only in the past year or two has it gotten "bad", I've never made an attempt on my life but i think about it im honestly just to scared to but i often think maybe if i try and fail someone will care about me, or if i self harm enough to land me in the hospital so people finally notice that its not a fun hobby i do sometimes its something activly affecting my life. sometimes i think its not bad enough to go to the hospital for and it sounds awful and i know that but what if i exaggerated it and said "oh yeah ive tried to actually do it but it didnt work so here i am" i know thats a lie but they dont. anyway not to ramble or anything but i really just want something to happen so someone will notice and care for me. 

[therising]

A huge and warm welcome to you ❤️

I think sometimes we don't always know how to adequately put how we're feeling into words. We could say 'I'm struggling, please help me' or 'I just don't know how to live life anymore' but those kinds of words don't really convey exactly how we're feeling life and the struggles or challenges we're facing. Such words just don't seem enough. To say that it's hard to find the right words can be an understatement.

I've found it can be a matter of 'If people can't audibly relate (to what they hear me say), maybe they can visually relate. Maybe they'll be able to relate to what they see, when it comes to the depths of my pain and suffering'. If what people see is alarming, this can become their 'wake up' call. Based on my own challenges with mental health over the years, I've found getting people to relate visually to how I feel has helped me develop a language or way of speaking that allows me to convey my level of pain and suffering or my emotions in general. It's a way of speaking that is able to trigger the imagination in people and have them relate through their imagination. To offer a couple of examples

• I could say to someone 'I feel so lost and so alone' or I could say to them 'I feel like I'm alone, sitting on the ground with my head buried in my hands, crying in the middle of crossroads. I have no sense of direction, no signs pointing me toward where I need to go and no one coming to guide me. I am overwhelmed by a sense of despair and hopelessness and I just can't move. I desperately need a guide'
• I could say 'I feel so deeply depressed' or I could say 'When it comes to that vertical tunnel or well known as 'depression', that hole in the ground, I am not half way down or even three quarters of the way down. I am in the absolute depths. It is so dark and so lonely down there and I just can't cope by myself. I desperately need someone to raise me out of this place'

I suppose you could say it's about setting the kind of scene that conveys our emotions. If there's no scene, people can struggle to see where we are, emotionally. Being a very visual kinda gal, if someone said to me 'I'm at rock bottom in depression', I know what that looks like and I can relate to how it can feel down there. I've been there myself.

While self harm can be a visual cue that prompts people to take action in the way of them giving us their attention and helping us, there are other ways of gaining people's attention. 'Imagine this is how I feel...' or 'Picture this is how I feel...' can have an impact but only on those who can imagine or can picture things. Personally, I've found that the people who can't imagine or can't picture are not my 'go to' people for help. I figure if they can't see how I feel, how the heck are they going to be able to see the path I need to take in regard to the way forward?

[arka]

Hey Violet,

I get what you mean. It feels debilitating to feel like nobody cares about you otherwise, but don’t allow these emotions to influence your actions. At the end of the day they are horrible thoughts, and the best we can do is try to actively resist and find ways to combat these feelings. For some, small things such as getting creative by journalling or drawing can help manage these feelings, or maybe even taking on an active hobby like a sport or walks can help ease the anxiety and negative thoughts your mind is at battle with.

Anyhow, I hope you know that your life does matter as I’m sure you are an amazing person that is worthy of so much more than you realise. The online forums are a safe space, and there are so many people including myself that can relate to you and that do notice you. Your feelings are completely valid. While these emotions and ideations unfortunately do hang around (as I wish so much that they’d just dissipate into nothing, haha), it helps to connect with others that are fighting the same battles as it allows us to feel more at ease with our struggles and feelings in general. Communities build strength, and I hope that the Beyond Blue community does the same for you.

Best wishes, Arka 🙏