DEPRESSION IS COMPLICATED

[NOTMINE]

Depression is only one word but it has so many meanings for different people. One thing I'm sure of after all this time, is that depression is an insidious disease. You often can't see it just by looking at a person, and it's even harder to explain. In the past year I have tried to be more open about my personal struglle. The most challenging thing for me is when people say, "but you look fine". It makes me feel so frustrated.

[Croix]

Dear Notmine~

You have certainly struck a chord with what you are saying. Depression did/does for me make me feel isolated. Now though I have people that understand. Before I did not.

There were all sorts of responses when I said how I felt. Like you there was "But you have so much, your life is good, you ought to be grateful". Then there was the one I hated the worst "Why don't you just get over it?" plus all the rest of those throw-away sayings I'm sure you are familiar with.

Even people with good intentions that care can fall into these traps though inexperience and lack of understanding. However I suspect for many it was just an easy way of finishing the conversation -they could say to themselves "Well I set him straight"

What got me was all these highlighted to me the vast difference from how I was and how they were, it simply made me feel more alone.  Most did not want to take the trouble to find out what I was going though. The few that did, like my partner, were to be treasured.

Do you have anyone that does understand and supports you?

Croix

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[NOTMINE]

Mmmnn not really. It is hard opening up and sometimes I feel like when I talk about it, it's often trivialized. It makes me sad, and I feel more alone than ever. I used to often think that you may be in a room full of people and still feel so alone. I prefer to be alone than to feel that way. I have people around me, but they don't understand. I don't understand, so I guess I can't expect other people to. Questions like why do you feel this way, or what is to be anxious about, make me question myself. There are so many layers inside of me that it is not as easy as answering one question, or addressing one feeling. I just feel like I am at the bottom of a steep hill, and there is no way I'm going to make it up. For 2 reasons. First because it looks so steep and so far to the top, that I don't have the stamina. Secondly because I am terrified of getting half way, and getting stuck there. Unable to make it up the rest of the way, and too scared of turning around because I am scared of falling. The anxiety, the sadness, the regrets, the things I can't change and don't want to remember. I don't know where to hide from them. It feels like I can't escape, and I can't even comprehend a life where I don't feel this way. It has been this way for so long that I can't remember any good memories, and I don't believe I will ever not feel this way ever again. 

[Croix]

Dear Notmine~

I think you name here is well chosen. I can remember feeling like nothing was worthwhile and my thoughts went round in circles for ever dwelling on all the horrible things.  There was no reason for it other than what was built into me, and no future. I too felt that even if I did improve a little I'd fall back.

Now all those feelings, as I found out looking back from a much better pace were in fact not mine. Depression and anxiety are subtle things that fill the mind wiht thoughts you genuinely think are your own - but they are not, thay are the symptoms of the illness.

And illness is exactly what it is. The same as malaria, or any other malady. Those thoughts shrink down the world you see and hide all possibilities and the good from the past - as if they never existed.

I could not improve by myself, it was too hard and I'd no means of doing it. I had to have outside assistance, and for me that was doctors, medication, therapy and a psych. That was the start of getting better and now I'm a different person.

So do you mind if I ask if you have decent medical assistance?

Croix

[NOTMINE]

I did choose the name for a reason, and you are on the right track. Someone recently asked me why I said My depression, and My anxiety. She said by saying that I was owning them and making my mind believe they were mine. So I have started to say The depression and The anxiety. I don't want them, and I don't want to be defined by them. I have a psychiatrist, a GP, was seeing a psychologist up until a year ago then Covid got crazy and I stopped leaving the house, which was the worst thing I could have done. I had an amazing doctor when this kind of thing first started and he trialed a couple of meds before we settled on one. I also had another for the anxiety and panic attacks. This latest one gave me my freedom back, and made me stronger, but zero real emotions. I felt like I was a robot and on autopilot. No real happiness or enjoyment, whatever I did. Then I made the mistake that everyone is told not to make. I thought I was better so I stopped the latest one, hoping I would feel real feelings again. Within 6 weeks I crashed and burned. I haven't been able to get back to being okay since them. My original GP had a bit of  a breakdown, and retired suddenly, and I haven't been able to build a good rapport with my current one. She is nice enough, but she is just another person telling me what she thinks I need to do to get better. My psych decided to try me on another med since the first one had some strong side effects. I have been taking this new one for 6 months, and nothing. Not even slightly better. So my psych told me to incorporate my old meds and new meds taking half dose of each which I have now been doing for 2 weeks. No improvement. I want to laugh, and be happy, and enjoy things again. I want to feel emotions like I used to. I feel nothing. Aside from the anxiety, and the panic attacks, I have no other emotions related to anything at all. I saw a hypnotherapist last week, but if I am going to be honest with myself, I don't feel like I have much hope. My Psych says I have to do some work and help myself too, but it just seems to big to tackle and I don't know where to start, or how to start, and I also feel so restricted by the panic attacks, so I stay in one place.

[Croix]

Dear Notmine~

That's a bit of a subtle distinction. Frankly if I had a broken leg I'd say "my broken leg" not "the broken leg". I guess when you come down to it then it is what you do and feel.

You are trying all the right things and I’m sure in time, like me, you will reach a much better stage in life.

I agree it is unfortunate you went off those meds, and sadly in my experience (yes I’ve done exactly the same thing too) I’ve not been able to go back in them at the same dosage with the same effect as before -maybe you will be different.

I have tried hypnotherapy - quite a long course of it, but I was one of the unlucky people for which it had no lasting effect. Once I got outside the surgery door all effect vanished.

For me other therapy plus meds have been the things that have had real effect. I’ve tried a fair number, some of which deadened my feelings, others did nothing or simply make me tired.  Very fortunately I’m now on a regimen that suits me well, little or no side effects and it is effective. My life is pretty good as a result.

I’m a bit disappointed in your psych. Sure for you to contribute to your recovery is normal, but it can’t really be directionless or presented in such a way as it is discouraging. You need specific instructions on what to do and from what you said I’m not sure your psych did this  - please correct me if I’m wrong.

Croix

[therising]

Hi NOTMINE

My heart goes out to you as you work so hard on making sense of everything, including finding the best way forward.

Being a gal who feels a heck of a lot, I was always led to believe, growing up, feelings are just 'things' you experience or have. I found there's more to them. With 'feeling/s' being a sense, the more you exercise, the stronger it gets. Pros and cons to that.

Can you feel when someone gives you a completely unrelateable tip for managing depression? Does it have a 'completely empty' feel to it, as opposed inspirational? Can you feel a 'shutdown' from someone? Grrr! Can you feel/sense when a chemical combination's emotionally numbing, such as with the chemistry in a certain pill combined with the chemistry in your self? Btw, it's said that an emotion is basically a certain energy in motion throughout the body (e-motion). So, emotional numbness=losing the ability to feel certain types of energy. You can't feel the energy of your thoughts, your imagination, your interactions in life etc. Developing the ability to get an accurate feel for things can become a natural self esteem booster.

To feel your own mind and body in a state of almost uncontrollable hyper activity (stress/anxiety) is distressing. Have you discovered any ways of decreasing the activity? Developing the ability to not think, in favor of letting things naturally come to mind, is a challenging one. You may have done it before without realising, heard what naturally comes to mind in the form of direction. Can sound like 'You need to calm down. Breathe. Just focus on breathing'. Tuning out of thinking and into what naturally comes to mind can take a lot of work.

While I used to continuously question myself and my feelings, leading to depressing self doubt, the day I woke up to what being sensitive means put a whole different spin on things. Would you say you have the ability to sense what others around you can't, such as the need for them to open their minds more? How does that idea feel?😊