Can’t see a way thru this

[Speechless]

I’m on dsp for anxiety social phobia , most if not all my adult life been living with my parents secluded in a little house on a block of 5 acres away from people and in nature and with a view.

it’s been my life and my identity.

Then dad months ago in June said that we have 2 months to find a new place to live so he can invest in shares from the sale and downsize. 

Within that time we rushed getting rid of a lot of our belongings and had to look at urban houses to live. It was a complete shock and fear I have agoraphobia too.

Now it’s the 2nd day in this new place an old rundown 70s house that is so foreign to me so big and ugly and outside is all concrete. Toxic perfume smells on carpet, I hate it so much all my values feel ripped away. I do not feel comfortable here at all and can’t see it long term. 
Im too grossed out to use tap water here as I’m used to rainwater and the rainwater here is very dirty. This place is a dump and looks like a 70s space ship inside I hate it it’s not homely and I just can’t deal with it.

my only way out is either make money to get out of this or not be here or be severely in pain here cause no amount of doing this place up is going to make me happy

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

I'm not aware of your age but I'll assume you are around 30yo. Therefore, parents maybe 55-60yo. I'm wondering there might be other factors eg when they qualify for an age pension if you have more than 5 acres you are penalised with getting the pension in some ways. I'm not up with the rules about this but had a friend 15 years ago that had just over 5 acres and he didnt get the pension and had to sell up to get it. Another theory could be that to secure their financial future investing in shares could be done vis superannuation, if he didnt do that he might not have enough for retirement. 

I'm a little concerned that your dad makes his decisions with his own house/assets (in his own way) but you had the expectation that he should have not done so due to your own desires/needs. Perhaps my views are old fashioned but after age 21yo adults really have their own responsibilities and make their own decisions. For example, even with DSP one can earn extra income up to a certain amount without financial penalty of the pension. You'd also get rental allowance.  IF you are able to do this then you should have enough income to rent a cottage in the hills, but I dont know your abilities/inabilities to work. Alternatively have you searched for a shared accommodation in the country? Often elderly people can no longer do some chores on their old farm and need a younger person that will rent a nearby cabin. Or have you assumed you will always live with dependence upon your parents?

Lots of questions so if you'd like to reply we'd have a better understanding.

TonyWK

[Speechless]

hi,

Im actually 40 nearly 41. Parents in their early 70s.

I have a whole backstory of why im not independent, but basically never gotten support or much help i needed from my parents growing up to be independent, in fact its been the other way really, my independence gets thwarted by them. 

For instance a year ago i needed a new car and decided to work hard on ebay and save as much as i could for a year in order to get my swift car. In that time my dad had an old car and would complain if mum and i needed to go out ( mum cant drive). He would complain about the amount of trips and petrol costs. So i only went out once a week or had a friend that occasionally could take me to the post office or so.

Then i get my car and a year later his new car catches fire and is uninsured. That was in January, and all of a sudden my car becomes the family taxi service, take dad to bowls, mum to her friends, pick them up etc, all week. I already always was taking mum everywhere and then it was him also. 

Then after 6 months of burning myself into the ground, and having trauma of dad declaring to sell the beloved home- i decided to let him drive my car even tho i didnt want to.

and then, it just becomes the family car now with no desire for dad to get his own. He wont spend money on one, he wants to invest in shares and so on instead.

So everytime i have gone to go out, and planned it, i literally have my parents in the car with me having to go to this and that, all the time.

Actually when i first got my licence many years ago, and my dad helped drive my car for me cause we got it interstate. He decided to give his car away to his sister without me knowing and just said to her that she can have his car and that i will drive him everywhere now. And that became my reality in my 20s without any say, there i was wanting to go home to do my homework from tafe but having to wait hours for dad to get out the lawn bowls centre.

Eventually he got a car but it took awhile.

But this time, he just thinks im okay with it.

But now thru this trauma of moving to this dump, its thr last on my mind.

Ive had a lifetime of having to drop what ever im doing just to help him with what he wants. 

Its riddled my self esteem. When you have anxiety and social phobia, you need support, but i never really got that. 

Anyways, it feels good to know that i could have a choice in not having to stay here. Thing is i am in such a bad way mental health wise atm.

I dont want to live here but i would also be terrified to move and keep up with the cost of living alone but also something i would like to do but i have a dog and a lady is looking after my chickens.

Im so truamatised by this sudden move to this dump house, its just a reality i dont want to be in

I am in alot of distress and hopelessness because of it

[white knight]

The old saying- "where there's a will there's a way".

It seems very clear to me that you and your father are not compatible and yes, that could be mostly his approach to you in terms of leaning on you eg your car. But whatever his attitude towards you and so on it's you and your approach that you can alter, not his. So focus on that because if you were to move out and return to the country, his attitude would matter far less and in most cases your relationship improves as absence makes the heart grow fonder.

"When you have anxiety and social phobia, you need support, but i never really got that. "  That is not new to us here. We cannot expect others even family to understand mental health issues. It needs very empathetic inner feelings to do so. It's simply not common and its why this forum is so successful as "birds of a feather flock together". If you have the expectation of your parents supporting you through your anxiety you are more than likely going to be disappointed. Same with friends.

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/relationship-and-family-issues/they-just-wont-understand-why/td-... 

With your dad not insuring his car and taking advantage of your car and his move to the city etc it all is, admittedly quite bizarre but we are all Quirky in some ways. The important thing is I think you really need to care for your needs and you are not doing that living where you are. It simply isnt your dads fault if you remain where you are, its your challenge as an adult to seek whats best for you. 

So, what about returning on day trips to the country, talk to real estate agents, visit some locals, put the word around that you need a small place for you and your animals, preferably a cabin and you could help out doing some gardening etc. Creating your own opportunities is the first step. Once you get an offer you can then decide on whether you can afford the move. 

Finally, "this dump". It might well be but to every man it is "his castle". I dont expect you to fully understand that but descriptions can hurt people. Your dad thinks he is doing ok, he likely has money as his motivator and that isnt uncommon nor is it wrong, its his life and his journey. At 40yo you have your life and your journey and obligations from parents are simply not there at your age. 

While I dont doubt you have difficulties I can only advise based on my own lived experiences like anxiety, bipolar, financial struggles in the past, unemployment, hating the city and venturing out on my own. There is no easy solution but to draw some inner determination and face the challenge of making a life alone.

TonyWK