BPD

[Blossam]

Hi there,

I don't like doing this but its about time I did. I've going through this since I was young. To be honest I have so much I want to achieve but terrible flash backs comes into my head when I try something new. Either ends being in the ED, ward or dropping out on the first day. I'm currently working but my hours has been drastically reduce. Part of the blame is me, so company is made these decision upon my safety and others. Looking for another to make more income and pay for my bills and but I'm a workaholic. If I don't work I'm my mood is constant battle. I don't have much going on right now. Currently my partner is away, its been a few months so everything has changed and its back to my old habits. He understand my conditions but I feel guilty because he doesn't deserve this or keep taking care of me. Needs to live his life and achieve his goals without me stopping. I'm absolutely grateful for the day we met till now. No one stay by my side because I know for the fact is was intense and scary for them. My first love now my ex bf his mom took him away from me because she didn't approve I was suffering from mental health. I understand she lost her son years ago, but I would never hurt him and I promised her and tried to prove to her I care for him with all my heart. The day I was released from the ward and came back from holiday he instantly broke up with him. He shattered my heart and I became depress and made bad decision. I spent in the ward for a month while he was on holiday. My family visited me everyday but I wasn't myself that time. Over the years I've posted disturbing post on social media so I can make people feel the my pain but it was pleasure for me. I know it's wrong but it made me happy. I know I'm an attention seeker , I know my moods are bad. I try to change but same time I don't want too. My older sister suffers from a disability so over the years I keep thinking what the future will hold. I know I scared my little sister over the years as she grows and watch me struggle. I'm trying to be a better role model. But I keep going back and up. I'm constantly feeling lonely, depress, weird, ok, happy. My thoughts are horrible and I start to laugh at it. I have 2 dogs their my best friends but sometimes I don't care at all. I know there's a lot that I'm saying here, but I just want myself back. Overall I'm financially struggling, depress, suicide thoughts, self harm, destructive and selfish. Thank you for listening and reading this

[Sophie_M]

Hey Blossam,

Wishing you a warm welcome to the forums. We're really grateful to see that you've taken such an important step in sharing your thoughts and feelings here with our wonderful community. We're so sorry to hear what you've been through, and can hear that you've been struggling with your mental health for quite some time now, including urges to self-harm and suicidal thoughts. It sounds like you haver so much on your plate at the moment, and we understand that it must be so difficult to cope with. But please know that many others reading will be able to relate to these feelings- you're never alone in this. We hope that you find these forums to be a safe space, free of judgement where you can talk things through, and our community is here to offer as much support, advice and conversation as you need.

Can we ask if you are currently receiving any mental health support or would feel comfortable opening up to your GP about what you've been going through lately? A really great first step could be to reach out to our Beyond Blue Support Service, which is available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or also through Webchat 1pm-12am AEST at: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport One of the friendly counsellors will be able to offer support, advice and referrals to help you through this difficult time. We'd also really encourage you to reach out to our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467) who are there for you anytime- night or day- whenever things are feeling like too much to cope with.

We hope that the thoughtful and caring support from our community can be of some comfort and help to you through this, and please keep us updated on how you're going when you feel ready to- we're all here for you.

[Blossam]

Hi Sophine_M

Yes I'm currently receiving support from all my doctors and psychologist etc. Right now I don't know what I'm doing. Ive enrolled myself for business which I'm very excited but will be online so I will be comfortable. Theres a lot of activity I want to do but money wise is the problem. Currently every move I'm watched by my workplace. So it more pressure to keep my job and pursue my dreams. I don't like meeting people or being crowded places. I feel sad when I walk around and see people happy. Makes me want to hurt them and I just laugh it off. I regularly see my psychologist and I have a support worker to guide me through. At this stage my mood swings are up and down and effect me at work the most. Place where I work is a dodgy area, but I chose to stay because my regular has supported through the hard and good times. I consider them like family and its always good to hear their positive attitudes and smiles. I consider my team as my family because they know my conditions has really treated my like I'm their own littler sister. Right now I'm feeling good. This is my first time reaching for help like this. Over the years I refused help and its overdue. Its time I reached for in the community. I currently work only 3 hrs so I work 30hrs in 2 weeks. It's not a lot but I'm grateful I still have a job. As you can tell i'am all over the place and I don't where to start. I push everything together because I'm nearly 23 and I want get started asap. I hate seeing people on social media living their lives and successful life etc. Makes me want to hurt myself at tomes but also I can do it but I'm not motivated as my mind set is changing constantly. Im sorry that I'm writing such a long reply but I really appreciate the help and support.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Blossam, We’re glad you’re receiving support from your doctor, your psychologist, your support worker and your workplace. It sounds that although things can be tough for you, that you are trying and you do have goals for yourself with your new enrolment. We hear that the mood swings are tough but it also sounds like you are trying to work through them. We would really encourage you to reach out to the extra supports we mentioned before if you feel you are going to act on these thoughts of hurting yourself or others. However, we understand that these can sometimes be thoughts that can pass. We wish you the best and please keep us updating as to how things are going for you.