What skills would you draw on if...?

[Nicoc]

Morning all

I'm barely keeping my head above water today, so I've started a new thread to see if others can share their ideas and help me stay afloat.

My life has taken some very dramatic twists and turns in the past few months. First of all, I lost my mum to cancer at the end of May. She was diagnosed and died 1 week and 6 days later. Then my youngest child (youngest of nine) decided to live with her father...so I lost her too. Then my son went too. So technically I'm grieving the loss of three people I love.

Having been a full time mother since 17 means that I no longer have the day-to-day care of children. So technically my long time career has gone belly-up. I feel ...displaced...like a refugee, not feeling at home with this experience called life.

The funny thing is, that my mum has left me a lot of money....I will be a wealthy woman and isn't financial freedom what we all dream about? Trouble is...it means nothing in the face of loss-of-self.

If any of you can share insight...it would be more valuable than gold.

Kind regards

Nic

[White_Rose]

Dear Nic

Hello and welcome. I expect you have been welcomed by other people on BB, but our paths have not crossed before I think.

Please accept my sympathy at the loss of your mother. I know when my mom died in 1999 it was pretty devastating and I still miss her. When my children left home I missed them very much. I have four children and they returned home from time to time until they finally found partners or became settled in a new job etc. I gather your experience is more final than my experience.

However, I do know how it feels to live in an empty house. My husband was usually at work in the evening when I was home after working all day. I retired eight years after leaving my husband 16 years ago. So I suppose I have lived alone for 16 years, eight years of which I was working. It was a huge change of lifestyle. Fortunately I already had hobbies and activities I enjoy to keep me fully occupied.

Having enough money to live on makes us comfortable but having huge amounts is different. I imagine you are going to take time to decide how you want to manage this sudden wealth.

What to do with your life is different. Have you ever had a desire to do something you could not because of child care and/or lack of resources. Perhaps you can explore some these options. I always wanted learn line dancing but a broken knee cap put paid to this after six months. My church is important to me and the volunteer work I do. You may like to find a volunteer position which will give you a sense of purpose.

Where are your other children? If they live nearby perhaps you look after any grandchildren when their parents have other commitments. Not needing to worry about your finances certainly takes a lot of worry away. But as you say, all the money in the world does not make you happy.

It has been my experience since I left work that I need to keep a routine of sorts rather than going with every whim. Having said that I also think it's a good idea to be spontaneous at times. What I mean is that when you have your day settled in general it's easier to work within that doing the things you like and enjoy.

One of the most helpful activities for me is meditation. I find it gives me calmness in my life and a chance to get to know me. Of course it's not a one-off activity. It takes daily practise to learn about yourself, your deep resources and fears, and basically what makes you tick. Give it a go.

Mary

[JessF]

I'm reminded of a story I read about a rich businessman, very stressed, who went on holiday to a tropical island and met a fisherman on the beach. He gets into a conversation with him, and starts giving him ideas for making his business bigger, getting more boats, more staff, to make money. The fisherman keeps asking him why at each stage, and eventually the story comes round to the businessman saying, 'so you'll have enough money to not have to work at all, and you could spend all your time at the beach relaxing'. The fisherman of course answers, 'but that's what I have right now'.

I think we sometimes confuse the desire for money for the desire to have the freedom that we perceive money will give us. If you don't know what you really value and want to get out of life, then money is not going to solve your problems.

Maybe the best thing for you right now is the time for self-reflection, to grieve for your empty nest and think about what you might like to put your energies into in this next phase of life. That may be something that you can put some money into, like perhaps a business, or study, or travel. Or it may not...

I think you have some big questions ahead of you Nic, but having been through a similar phase several years ago (without the cash haha) I can tell you that it's very exciting and uplifting when you come out the other side with a rebuilt sense of self.

[Quiettall]

Hi Nic

I am so sorry to hear about your losses. Life tends to have its twists and turns just when you least expect it. Now you have some space, some time, and some money, have you thought of going on a short holiday, like a cruise? I found when we went on a cruise it was so refreshing and you had plenty of spoiling, but also lots og good timne to reflect, socialise, do whatever you like. We have been on a few cruises recently and everytime I have come totally refreshed, refocussed and revitalised.

Having so much time to yourself after having the responsibilities you did, is quite unsettling. I found that after retiring early from executive management roles. The first few months I wandered around like a zombie feeling totally lost, undervalued and vague. I realised I had been living on a ride where I felt responsible for everyone else (family, work/staff etc) and then I was hit hard with the realisation that life was telling me to take stock and use the remaining years I had doing other productive things, including looking after the small child within.

I hope this has been an encouragement for you. Please continue to post as some of the feedback here is useful. I find reading the posts from others useful to reflect on my own situation and help sort out my thinking more

Take care Nic

[Kazzl]

Hi Nic, I'm sorry for your loss hun. My parents died many years ago but I still think of them often and grieve for them. It takes time, and you need to give yourself that time.

It sounds to me like you're in a situation that occurs with many women, regardless of financial situation. You have the loss of a parent at the same time as your own role is changing with the departure of your kids. And having split from your partner, you find yourself alone.

The carer, lover, nurturer, mother, provider ... all changed. What's left? You. You as an individual person, not defined by what you provide to others. You might not have seen her for a while, but she's there and will come out if you let her.

We gals often define ourselves (and are defined by society) by our relationships to others, especially men and children. But it shouldn't and doesn't have to be that way. I'll spare you my feminist rant 😄 Well, almost.

My suggestion would be don't rush into anything - you need time to grieve and to adjust. Take your time and think about things - do you want to fill your days with travel, entertainment etc? Do you want to learn about something? Maybe take up study in an area or learn a craft or sport? Do you want something that will give you a sense of purpose and a chance to contribute to others - volunteering, community groups, train in support work, aged care etc. Just some ideas.

The nice thing about being financially secure is that whatever you choose to do, you have a financial safety net. That might at least enable you to try new things, knowing it's OK if you don't continue with them.

This is your time now Nic, a time to explore and get to know yourself again. Define yourself!

Very best wishes to you

Kaz

[Just Sara]

Hi Nic and welcome to our BB community; (family)

Grief in any form is heart wrenching. You've got a combination of many and I really feel for you. The thing you've asked for; (skills) is just what you've given yourself; reaching out to others. You did that! Some people go within and experience their pain alone and fear burdening others. So well done! 🙂

Wow...these posts are absolutely wonderful and spot on! I'm going through this phase (nesting) myself and have been given a great supporting network of resources. I don't know which comment to refer to first because they're all amazing, so I'll start with my own suggestions.

Do what you know.. What I ended up doing, was writing (at my own pace) about things I know a lot about. One day I hope to publish, but for now it's giving me a purpose while I deal with unfinished personal issues and my mental health.

My sister who'd been a stay-at-home-mum for years wanted to work, but felt she had no qualifications or skill. Her experience with ADD, ADHD, Celiac disease and childhood/infant allergies, although personal, was the perfect grounding to apply for a childcare position at a local centre. She beat 30 applicants because of what she knew and is now fully qualified (at their expense) and seen as a specialist. She runs the centre when the boss is away. She absolutely loves her job!

The other thing is, as everyone has said, learn to fly solo and maybe catch up on things you missed by being a young mum. When we were grown, my mum left my dad (thank God!) and had the time of her life travelling Australia and meeting new people; a second chance at youth. She wore high heels for the first time since she was a teen, (my dad was short) drank alcohol for the first time, went on dates for the first time...she learned to be the centre of attention and let herself Shine!! She still talks of those times with passion.

You've been giving to others for as long as you probably remember. You more than likely have amazing skills with creativity, budgets, organisation, fortitude, inner strength, longevity etc..use these gifts to promote and support you. (without guilt ok?)

I so wish you well Nic...Dizzy x

[Nicoc]

Thank you all for your kind words and guidance.

Unfortunately I haven't been back on BB until today because just after writing the post I received some very distressing news, and I've spent the last few days in the mental health facility after self-harming.

I still feel very disorientated as though I've been run over by a truck. So at the moment I'm taking each hour very slowly.

I know that I will feel better again soon and then I will put some of your wonderful ideas to work.

Nic

[Just Sara]

I don't know what to say Nic...my heartfelt thoughts go out to you.

Please take care..I hope everything goes well.

Dizzy x

[Kazzl]

Hello Nic, thank you for getting in touch during such a traumatic time hun. I am so sad to hear what's happened, but relieved that you are being well cared for.

Take your time hun and let people take care of you. You are probably more used to looking after others, but you need care now to get well again. Which you will.

We are here anytime Nic. Talk whenever you want.

Very best wishes

Kaz

[Nicoc]

Thank you all,

Without you, I have no-one to talk to who understands (or cares).