WHAT'S YOUR DEFENCE? against your vulnerability

[white knight]

I speak as one of the most sensitive people on earth, no exaggeration.  Hence- I fall into a bad place often, too often. Abrupt people, nasty, inconsiderate, spiteful...you get the picture. Some people can say a few words and these words linger in my hurt for days.

Recently after I stabilised on mood stabilisers and AD's I decided to embark on facing my feelings and being proactive about them. At 58yo I've been with these issues a long time.  So, in order from a few months ago are the strategies I've tried-

1/ When I bump into people I know at shopping centres I limit chat time for each individual for a couple of minutes This allows you to just cover the general topics without you falling into mentioning you're not well or his issues that could add to your stress.

2/ Limit social media friends. Less friends less abuse less upset means more happier times.

3/ Stay clear of people with a proven nasty streak. Narcissistic people are everywhere. Identify them and eliminate them from conversation. Avoiding? Yep!! Unless they prove otherwise, they never change. Pwer is a lust some seek all the time...not at my expense.

4/ Beware the spouse of the abrasive ones. Some spouses take on board their wife/husband's fights.

5/ Clubs are a problem for the likes of me. I will never be in a committee nor the inner circle. But it doesnt mean you cant participate with passion. I elected to be the BBQ cook. You meet people briefly as they collect their sausages, enough time to ask them their name again but not long enough to get upset by them.

6/ As soon as I was able to retire I did. Less work contacts.

Have these measures helped- absolutely.  But it is still a learning curve. What are some of the things you do in order to protect yourself. ?

PS I'm not critical towards these "nasties" in society. They have a right to act how they choose. I identify with MY issues and respond accordingly. Their issues are for them to combat.

[BenD]

Hi white knight.

First of all, it's comforting to know that I'm not the only one with a very sensitive personality.  Abrupt and inconsiderate people especially grind my gears because I know that they are not really at fault, it's just the way they are. I had to work on a day that my friend ended her life and I ran into one of those abrupt people…needless to say it wasn't a pleasant shift beforehand and that altercation only compounded it.

I would agree with the shopping centres comment - most of the time I just use humour to entertain for a minute before excusing myself for being "too busy" (when really I'm not).

In fact I'd say for me that's the biggest avoidance technique, using humour to avoid having any real conversations. Sometimes it works (mainly when people find it funny), sometimes it fails horribly (when they don't find me funny and I leave a kind of awkward silence).

I can also relate to you not being in any inner circles. I keep my own company mainly (and enjoy it) but still am on the outer circles of a lot of different groups of friends. As for the actual club based activities, I find that I always have to be doing something to have that get out clause ("Im too busy to chat now sorry").

I want to ask…because you are a sensitive person, do you find that people get along with you very well? Or find you very agreeable? It's a bit of a double edged sword because you want to avoid people most of the time, but then as a sensitive person people want to be around you because they feel understood…maybe its just me.

All the best,

Ben

[geoff]

dear WK, you make some good points as usual, but they aren't only that because it's all true what you say, and they can happen when in depression and then after, but when after we are more astute and have our defences all ready aware and know exactly what to say.

This can be different if we are caught out in depression.

For me to answer Ben's comment as I'm sure WK will also do ' you are a sensitive person, do you find that people get along with you very well', my take on this is if you are depressed then anything these people say to you could be taken the wrong way or indeed upset you, compared to when you have overcome depression then you have your defences known so you can respond appropriately.

We have to compare before and after when we answer these comments, because they entirely different.

I am trying to pick one of these six points as being the most important, but I can't as they are all equal and mean so much. Geoff.

[BenD]

Very true Geoff, once you have learnt some techniques to respond appropriately then the situations generally handle themselves. It's very hard in the midst of depression to think rationally about those kind of situations.

[white knight]

Hi BenD and Geoff,

Well I asked my wife, the best person to ask if I respond differently when depressed as I do when on an "up". She definately believes I respond far better and with less sensitivity when on a high.  Some times the most simple observations and questions lead to the most simple of answers- in this case an answer that has eluded me.

As for getting along with people I get on far better with women than men. I fit in well with a bunch of them lol, chatting about feelings and reactions and other stuff big tradies would think was feminine talk. Yes, I've been known to be a likable guy, a Mr average and approachable, until more is known of me then the relationship breaks down because I get too confused about life and small issues between personalities that seem to dominate my small talk. A BBQ chat becomes a therapy session.

[jaspergirl]

Hey White Knight,

Great to meet you, my name is Jaspergirl. I have been reading the above comments and i would just like to say i understand totally. At the times when i have had anxiety and depression issues in the past, i have had to reevaluate who i surround myself with and try and eliminate anyone who i know will be defensive or impatient around me. 

It is so hard to get over these times and sometimes other people think they know exactly how your feeling and try to diagnose you or offer you information that clearly does not help the situation. 

After i have been admitted to phys wards in the past, trying to fight my way back into the 'real' world can be an uphill struggle and a time when anxiety can creep back into your life. So, in my experience, i have found that a small group or circle of friends is a lot better than jumping in the deep end and ending up even more anxious and worried.

i have found that there are certain people who will never understand, some that understand to a certain point and then there are those that understand totally. I like to think that i am in the 'understand totally' group. I have been there, done that and come out the other end. I am not saying it is easy. Far from that, it is hard work and i still have my days where i need to stop and step back, and evaluate what information i disclose to certain people. I have been in situations that have really exposed my vulnerability and i have had to deal with those consequences. Especially when i have had a manic episode. It is often quite embarrassing for me to talk to those ppl that saw my manic behaviour, heard my great ideas (which could range anywhere from unbelievable to down right disturbing lol) So i have had to take little steps to protect myself from those who do not and will not understand. 

I found it helpful to really think about what i want to say to those who i need to respond to. My close friends know all about my mental health issues and are so supportive. I have lost a lot of ppl in my life. Family members, close friends and all who just think i am down right crazy. i cant control who does or does not understand, nor do i need to. A small circle is so much more special than a huge circle anyway.

Life sure is a rollercoaster. I have had to put up a wall around myself and those who i love to protect myself from those who refuse to understand. I hope that you have a wonderful day and keep smiling. You are unique so dont let allow anyone to treat you unfairly!

[white knight]

Hi Jaspergirl,

Thankyou for your response.  I know I've lacked cognitive development. I put many things down to that.  Before I ever was diagnosed I put some things down to lack of street wisdom.

Such "tag" allowed me to accept to a degree that I lacked such development and said the wrong thing at the wrong time and didnt behave in a manner that fitted in with others.

I'm 58yo and feel I've really developed very late. Having few defenses against members of the public or aquaintances you come in touch with is dangerous stuff for sensitive people. "I feel there are certain people that will never understand"  is so true.

I'm about to write a post in Community section about this. Hope you stay around.