*Trigger Warning* Embarrassed about Weight Gain

[zippedzipp]

I've put on 10kg during the pandemic. I know it doesn't sound like a LOT, but all my life I have hated my body and have been so desperate to lose weight that now actually gaining 10 whole kgs is making me the most miserable I have ever been.
There is nothing I like about my body anymore. I get so depressed looking at old photos of myself wishing I could be that "thin" again (even though when those photos were taken I thought I looked "fat" too...).
It's gotten to the point now where I'm too embarrassed to go out and see my friends because they'll just think I've let go of myself. In fact, I avoid going out altogether. I try to come up with excuses when a friend asks to meet up. They're worried about me now because I've been isolating myself for months. Every single day now I try to avoid looking at myself and I've been wearing very baggy clothes to cover myself up. I don't take any photos of myself and never wear any of my favourite clothes anymore (I'm too scared to try them on because I know how upset I'll get when I realise they don't fit me anymore).
I can't seem to lose weight though. Eating has been a coping mechanism for me lately. I've got plenty of other things going on in my life and food is what seems to be bringing the most amount of happiness. I have a sugar addiction, and I know that, but I am finding it so hard to break out of the cycle when I feel as though it's the only thing making me want to live each day.
It sounds so ridiculous when I type it out. It also sounds so fatophobic, and I hate sounding like that. I really just wish I could feel confident in my new and bigger body, or be able to lose some of it.
This is my first post on a forum by the way. I'm not sure what I'm hoping to gain, I think I just want to feel less alone.

[On The Road]

Good evening zippedzipp

Welcome to the forum. 🙂 I'm sorry that you are facing the issue of feeling bad about your body and it seems to have lots of impacts on your daily life. I personally don't think it is ridiculous or fatphobic. I think you are aware of your situation and wrote your struggles down and it is good. I also have issues with my body image, I don't take any pic or even look at myself long in the mirror when taking shower. I pretend I didn't have any problem with my body but deep down I know I am just ashamed of admitting it 😔 and this already has had an impact on my daily social life.

One thing I'm trying to do is racial acceptance. I accept my body image as it currently is, I accept that I hate my body and also accept it is difficult to change it. I can't do what people in the media say "love yourself, you're perfect" I never want to be perfect and I just don't like the way I look. Some people may say that I am stubborn and not positive enough. I feel that by accepting my feeling calmly, I am actually feeling better. And this may help me to go outside hanging out, to the beach etc. Despite I hate to "expose myself" under the sun like this, life still continues 😓

It is difficult, and my problem is still here. There were some ppl like you talking about these issues in here before, I hope you can feel less alone. Feel free to share more, we're here to listen. 🙂

[Sophia16]

Hi,

Welcome to the Beyond Blue forums and thank you for sharing your story. It looks like you are going through a difficult time.

I just want to say, you are in no way fatphobic and your story is valid. Loving our bodies and having self-confidence can be so hard. Especially when we look different. It is hard to get used to the new change.

It is going to take time for you to get used to your new body. Just remember, we are the harshest critics of our self-image.

All bodies are beautiful and I am sure you will realise it one day.

Stay safe and I am always here to chat.

[tmas]

I understand what you’re going through, I have a small frame and, over the years, wildly fluctuating weight which my self-esteem is extremely sensitive to. I’m proud to say I’m a little less judgemental of myself as of late - I won’t lie and say I love myself and my body to bits, but it’s progress that I hadn’t believed existed until it creeped up on me.

What’s important in reality is being healthy. I absolutely understand the sugar addiction - a million factors contribute to this, for me it was hormones, mood and anxiety/ adhd (these things can also make your brain crave the gratification of food and sugar too), meds, and low energy. Also sugar’s just addictive it would seem. None of these things reflect on you personally, and compassion towards my body was hugely comforting for me - it’s simply asking for something it thinks it really needs. Start by eating decent food that keeps you full as hunger exacerbates your body’s want for sugar, use flavours you like and try to put a little effort into what you have where you can, whether that’s cooking the food or getting excited to go out. And on that note, others aren’t thinking about your appearance, they’re often too busy thinking about their own… Sometimes you need to throw caution to the wind and enjoy good company.

Exercise is another slippery slope and it all depends on your body. After years of thinking ‘real’ exercise was running until you wept and endless cardio I discovered strength training videos on youtube. There’s also swimming, stretch, walking, etc, that are kind to your time and wallet. Exercise isn’t important because it keeps you in shape, but because it stimulates your mind and body.

It’s a little wacky, but doing things you love matters. For me that was art, and I took up life drawing and gained a sense of admiration for the many shapes a body can create. I hate to get artsy but the volumes of the human body are unlike anything! Somehow, objectifying a body and appreciating tiny beauties in others helped me, and helped me inhabit my body and visualise it in my minds eye differently. A figure in an artwork isn’t perfect because it looks like it doesn’t enjoy bread, but because it’s asymmetries make it empathetic and dynamic. (It obviously doesn’t have to be art)

This was super long and a little too much about me but I genuinely think this stuff had merit. In short, try to remind yourself what your body enjoys and how your mind can share in it.

Best of luck 🙂

[Mark Z.]

Hi,

Thanks for coming here and share your story.

You're doing the right thing, you're pulling yourself back to the right track. It's NOT ridiculous when you type it out, you are brave. You're the winner for this round.

Do not guess how your friends will think about you, as you said, they want to see you, they're worried about you. I'd strongly encourage you to meet them, as frequent as possible. Trust me you'll get their support instead of teasing.

I hear you, I can understand how upset it is for you. You have put on 10kg, don't expect to lose 10 kg in weeks, set reasonable targets for yourself. For example, losing 1 kg per month, lose 10 kg in 1 year is good enough. And then try your best to meet the first little target, your progress will encourage yourself to move on.

Mark

[Pollyroo]

Hi there,

your post could have been me writing. I feel pretty much exactly the same - one of the reasons I’ve found my way to these forums.

im so tired of the sad, miserable voice in my head saying how horrible I look and feel. I get so mad at myself for putting on weight (I have been a yo-yo dieter in the past) and really feel like I don’t like anything about myself right now. Hate feeling like this but your post has helped me feel not so alone and ashamed.

im sorry I don’t have a quick fix as I’m trawling through it all too. Just know you’re not alone feeling like this.

[Petal22]

Hi zippedzipp,

Wellcome to our forums!

Im sorry you are feeling this way.

Please practice some self love, you deserve it.

Ok so you have gained some weight but that doesn’t change the person you are! You are still you……..

Our weight doesn’t define who we are as people.

We all hold a light inside of us, that light is love and acceptance of ourselves and others…… the more love we hold for ourselves the more love we can give to others! Let it shine ✨

Please meet your friends it will be good for you, don’t lock yourself away.

LOVE you for you and feel proud of the person you are!

Everyday please give yourself positive self talk….. lift yourself up ! Your emotions will really thank you for it! Get out and enjoy your life ❤️