Three types of empathy

[white knight]

It's amazing when your own behaviour comes into question and someone suggests (in this case my wife) that I should discuss that with my psychologist next visit.

The picture is that my daughter and husband are about to move into their newly built home. The house was broken into and about $600 of belongings stolen. When she was telling us this on the phone I began to get upset along with some frustration. After the call ended and my wifes suggestion I googled "empathy for others" and found there was 3 types..... Cognitive, emotional and compassionate.

Cognitive empathy- the ability to feel what the other person is feeling. It is a healthy type of empathy

Emotional empathy- the ability to share the feelings of another person. It helps you build connections

Compassionate empathy- this goes beyond the other two in that you take action for the empathy you feel. 

This is interesting because my wife said "its our daughters problem, why are you feeling so upset?". Indeed, why was I feeling so deep about an issue that is their issue and easily affordable for them eg we dont have to even consider them financially. Their insurance has a $1000 excess so wasnt wise to claim.

The other aspect is "crowding" in that people might mention their problem but if your empathy is beyond normal and you always offer to assist, they could feel like ceasing sharing issues as they dont want the help. One offer is enough, two and they repeat their rejection but three and you have a friend that want to exit quickly.

Sensitivity, sorrow, sadness, dysthymia are all things that can make us extreme with our kindness. Best to develop some internal guidelines to reduce that extremity to not put your loved ones off.

Have you been extreme in your empathy?

TonyWK

[white knight]

Sorry ER, I missed your post till now.

I have a friend that at 74yo has only recently been told of his two health issues- Fibromyalgia and worn spinal discs. I'm experienced in back injury having had a few myself to know worn discs is degeneration, not a avoidable thing so I discount that. Sitting across the table from him is myself listening to his complaining, when I have a volley of tablet daily in order to function for gout, DVT, BP, stomach spasms, bipolar and the list seems endless. Being an empath I try to see how he feels and comfort him, he thinks I'm great, a kind person but he takes no interest in me at all.

Yes, I tolerate this stuff until in some cases they overstep the line which usually comes in the form of a criticism from them of me. If its not warranted I tend to get angry and upset and that often ends the friendship, it breaks the camels back.

Then I fall away further from people until ultimately I'm almost on my own. I joked with my lovely wife today how when we enter aged care- I'll be the one dining away from the group and definitely not singing "roll out the barrel" at karaoke night. I'll be in my room watching world conflicts or documentaries. 

TonyWK

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Tony,

I understand. We seem similar in that we feel compelled to listen to, help and support others, but those others may not actually see us. Early this year a friend went through a difficult experience. She sought out my support and I spent a couple of months listening, providing support and thinking as well as I could the right things to say that would be hopefully encouraging for her. I was consistently there whenever she wanted to communicate. All through that I was really not ok myself, including struggling with severely collapsed mental health. Eventually one day I mentioned in an email I was struggling. I just got the response “Thanks for sharing” and that was it. It felt like “thanks for over sharing”, though she may not have meant that and may have not had the capacity to respond more. But it’s that feeling that there can be little to no reciprocity with people who seek you out when they need support, but are not willing or able to give you some support in return. I am very oriented to solving and sorting through my issues alone, very much a reflection of my childhood experience, and I’m guessing it was similar for you Tony. I am glad on one level for that self-reliance, but there are times it can make a profound difference when someone else sees and acknowledges your experience and shows they care. Like you I have a tendency to fall away in isolation. Communicating here on BB at least provides a platform where I’ve communicated things I don’t in everyday life.

I think perhaps it is about finding balance, still caring about others and providing support but putting limits on it. Perhaps it is sensing when we are being overtaxed by someone using our attention and empathy beyond what may be healthy and reasonable. It actually helps them to learn of others’ boundaries and for us to sense we have a boundary. I think such boundaries can be established in healthy, friendly ways too, such as saying something that shows we care but also asserts something of our own needs. I’m wondering with your 74 year old friend if you could say something that both acknowledges with empathy what he is experiencing, but also includes you in the picture and what you’re experiencing. If he cannot engage with your experience, it might be time to say something like it’s nice to chat but that you need to get on with this or that, something that you need to do for yourself. That may even encourage him to do something for himself.

I don’t think it’s ever too late to learn new interpersonal dynamics. I sometimes feel I am trying still to learn now what would have been ideal to learn as a child and teenager. It always helps when I encounter people who do have those skills and I can sense the balance in them.

All the best Tony and remember your needs are important too,

ER