Staying/Getting/Doing Well – Moving goalposts or fixed target?

[Paw Prints]

Hi, this is my first post, though I have been reading the forums for some weeks. I’m probably expressing myself badly when I say that I have found reading about other people’s journeys reassuring. Finding a community of people who “get it” even when they have a wide variety of experiences and lives lived is not something I thought I would ever find.

Though people talk about getting well & there is a section Staying Well, I’m curious as to what this actually means to other people and how they manage their expectations. I noticed some people refer to being well as ‘being like themselves before they got ill’, whilst others don’t express an exact aim.

My idea of being well has changed over the years. I was first diagnosed as an 8 year old child back in the late sixties. The doctors told Mum that the voices in my head & the sudden crying bouts were because I suffered from ‘nerves’ & I was given meds to calm me. Of course such things were not discussed back then & I was told not to talk about it to anyone, not my school friends nor siblings, just Mum. For decades after my idea of being well simply meant being able to hide my illness from others.

A number of events in my life caused my illness to worsen, until some years ago I became so ill I needed to be hospitalised for my own safety. This lead to my current diagnosis of Major Depression, Anxiety & PTSD. I’m no longer in that dark place, but each day is still a battle (though I can now believe in a future). For now only my siblings & one friend know about my illness, though some things they still don’t know.
So, what does ‘being well’ mean to me, it is ever moving goalposts. If you had asked me 5 years ago would I be as well as I am now I would have thought it impossible as I couldn’t envision a future. If you had asked me last week (during one of my down periods) I would have said my progress was all an illusion & I was fooling myself that things can get better.
For now my idea of being well is being able to believe that things can change for the better, that I will one day be able to manage the everyday things like housework, caring for myself & caring for my dog & maybe, just maybe I will even be able to enjoy myself.

Paw Prints
**I took the tip to give myself time to write my post by writing on a word doc & then paste it.

[Hanna3]

Hi ER & Paws

That sounds like a nice break away ER, although a bit warm.  Today we had a much cooler change come through with some rain and cool wind, sheer bliss!  Unfortunately I had two appointments on top of a plumbing issue to be fixed here, so I haven't got to enjoy it as much as I would have liked.

Your school sounds daunting!  How did you manage to study and get an education with all that going on - I imagine that would be both distracting and daunting.  I can imagine what the poor trainee teachers went through - what a baptism of fire - kids try to eat any teacher who seems unsure of themselves alive.  I was lucky to be with 6 year olds who were all rather sweet kids.  One girl was the class bully and beat up even the boys - the class teacher who was supervising me was a dreadful woman and hated this girl and tormented her, which made her behaviour even worse.  I remember she lived with her mum and mum was intimidated by the daughter.  I tried to praise her for the smallest thing as I could see she was being picked on by the class teacher and honestly she improved so much - I was sorry to have to leave her to that awful teacher, but hopefully next year she got a better one.  

You would probably enjoy that book I mentioned if you have had that experience in your past. 

Puss is still sleeping which means a disturbed night.. I think it's the cooler weather plus I had to go out for hours.  I see a nice GP here who hails from the ACT, hates the climate here and is moving back as soon as he has finished his GP training - he was enjoying the cooler day today.  

Well half the day went waiting in for a couple of plumbers to fix a plumbing problem, bother.  I had better go and feed the cat!  I am now reading a book called Death by Comfort, about how modern life is making us unhealthy.  The funny thing is I'd be better to go for a walk instead of sitting reading the book!  Oh dear.  This is why I need a dog, to force me to go out for a walk!

Kitty likes to attack my ankles as I go past - it's his game.  I have foiled him by wearing bright red walking shoes inside - he finds these intimidating and won't go near them.  I also had a long chat with an old friend inland - his only remaining sister passed recently and he is so lonely as he saw her regularly, it's made such a hole in his life, so we had a good long talk which hopefully helped fill in the evening for him.  I wish people would be more friendly towards him - he's a retired sheep farmer and very kind, just very alone.  

Well I am off to feed the cat and myself... it sure is nice to have a cool evening here, long may it last!

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Hanna and Paws,

Paws, I forgot to mention in my last post that I think I know the man you are talking about who plays piano to elephants. At least I’ve seen YouTube videos of a man playing piano to elephants and it sounds like it could be the same person. The elephants are so clearly responsive to the music. I have heard they truly mourn when another elephant dies, and if it is a young elephant they can carry they will carry him or her to a burial spot and do a ritual around the burial, really quite similar to us humans. We are all so connected on this planet as living beings.

Hanna, it’s lovely you supported the girl being picked on by the teacher. I’m sure you made a difference. Kids sense when they are being connected with and understood, and that validation can make all the difference to their lives.

Thank you regarding the book. It sounds interesting and I will have a look at it when I can. I have quite a few to read. I actually bought one called Eat Like the Animals which is about how animals naturally know what to eat to get the right nutrients, while us humans have actually lost touch with that innate capacity to some extent. I haven’t got to reading it yet. I just thought of it in relation to the Death by Comfort book you mention as it kind of connects with that theme.

That’s clever with the bright red walking shoes to prevent kitty going for your ankles. That’s so kind of you to chat with your friend who is lonely. I think some people really do get forgotten about at times. I have a neighbour who is 88 this year. Her husband died in 2021. When I first moved in she came to visit me and invited me for a cup of tea at her place. I could tell immediately she is a good, kind person. I make an effort to keep in touch and went for coffee with her the other day, as I know she gets a bit lonely at times and misses her husband. One of her children is overseas and the other some distance away in another town.

It really is quite warm here and on the humid side too. I spent time with my friend and her baby today which was lovely. Her baby is almost one year old. She is just beautiful.

I hope you both have a lovely weekend.

Hugs,

ER

[Hanna3]

Hi ER and Paws

It's still cooler here today, a bit muggy late morning and now coolish and overcast again, just what I like!  I just did some housework today and went for a walk along the estuary which is very lovely.  Ran into a nice couple who had a sweet little dog with them, not young - they said they saw the owner advertize for a home for it as she had to go into aged care, so they answered the ad and purchased the doggie and love him, and visit the lady owner in her aged care home with the dog - so what a lovely way to get a dog and help someone else at the same time!

I will look up your book in our library ER - similar theme to mine but it sounds interesting and I'm sure animals know what they should be eating!  How nice to visit your friend and her baby, that sounds like a pleasant outing for you both.

I watched a DVD of Hollywood musicals last night which was a lot of fun - Gene Kelly was always so good and they had films of Shirely Temple and she really was a very cute little girl - it went right up to modern day musicals and was thoroughly enjoyable.

I haven't much news from today, I spent ages talkiing with a friend in Sydney, did housework, went for walks and am still settling in kitty- at least he is appreciative of my singing which must be pretty dreadful now!  

I hope that little girl in my class got happier the next year with a different teacher - she was being bullied by the current teacher who was a dreadful woman and bad teacher - the teacher who took the year after that class was lovely so I hope that poor child had a better time.  I don't like seeing a child picked on when they are obviously already troubled.  She was constantly finding fault with the girl - I tried to find the things she was doing well and concentrate on those, even if it was just sitting up nicely!  Her self-esteem must have been taking a battering under that nasty teacher and nobody needs that.

'I found a whole cd of Julie Andrews in a local op shop - her voice is just lovely, I had forgotten just how good she was and it's lovely to play in the car as I drive.

There isn't much news here today as it's been a quiet Saturday - I am loving the cooler weather and hope it stays!

I'm glad there is a nice utube of elephants responding to music - it's wonderful to see how much it can affect the animals.

My cat is looking to be fed - I hope you ER and Paws and everyone has a pleasant and peaceful evening!

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Hanna and Paws,

Hanna, the walk by the estuary sounds lovely. I live near an estuary and I often see dolphins, stingrays, fish and water birds there. Sometimes I see a small shark. It really is a place of wonder. That is an absolutely lovely story about the kind couple who adopted the little dog but still take the dog to the aged care home which would be such a beneficial thing for the former owner. Isn’t it lovely too how meeting people walking their dogs often opens a conversation. So many times that’s how I’ve ended up having a nice chat with someone which started with me noticing their dog and giving their dog a pat if it’s ok to do so.

In relation to the little girl you made the effort to help, I understand how upsetting it is when you see a teacher constantly finding fault with that child. I saw that when doing several weeks relief teacher assistant work with a boy with autism. The teacher really resented having him in her class and would say demeaning things about him in front of him as if he wouldn’t understand. But he totally felt her comments and you could see it hurt him. I did my best to counter that with kindness and unconditional positive regard. He was a great kid with huge challenges but was doing his best, and he was responsive and encouraged if you treated him with kindness and understanding.

I am extremely tired today as I did not sleep at all last night. I saw a medical specialist today who was very positive to deal with and I think is going to be really helpful. I’m hoping to restore my sleep capacity as well as my mental health which has reached new and disturbing lows in the last couple of years. In some ways I’ve improved in recent times but the extreme hormonal dysregulations I’ve been going through have generated extremely unusual and high levels of distress beyond anything I’ve experienced before. This specialist has a definite plan to help me and really wants to see me get better. It’s very encouraging. It’s phenomenal how much difference an attuned, knowledgeable and insightful medical practitioner makes.

Paws, I hope things are well with you and you have some kind weather, and you too Hanna. It’s warm here but there is at least a breeze.

Take care and wishing you a wonderful week 🙏💖💫🤗

[Hanna3]

Hi ER and Paws

I'm so glad you have found a sympathetic and helpful specialist ER!  I went through several terrible GPs where I used to live until I found a wonderful young woman doctor who was very empathetic towards women's health issues and was friendly and easy to talk to - once you find a good doctor like that it really takes a load of worry off.  The hormonal fluctuations you have had must interfere with your emotions and mood and sense of well being and hopefully I think doctors are more sympathetic to what we women have to deal with than they used to be.

We had a lovely cool and very rainy day here today and I loved it!  Not an exciting day as I had to do a big weekly grocery shop and sort out some appointments etc, but it was lovely to watch the rain coming down after months of heat and glaring sun.  You can almost see the trees and plants sighing with relief!

It's interesting you and I have both seen teachers pick on one child in particular - it's a shame this happens as it's so destructive for the child.  I could see the little girl I told you about become more and more disturbed and disruptive in her behaviour as she never got told anything good about herself, it was constant criticism.  I think in the end she found herself known as the problem child in the classroom and acted up even more as a result.  I was so sorry when I had to leave and couldn't do any more for her.  

I'm taking kitty to the vet tomorrow just to check on his health - he gets very disturbed at night and is so sweet during the day and a friend of mine who has always kept rescue cats said sometimes a small dose of a calming medication can really help, as these poor animals from the shelters have had a lot of stress and sometimes need a bit of help settling in.  He's so sweet during the day, crawling into my lap if I sing and following me around from room to room.  

I watched the good old Concert in Central Park with Simon and Garfunkel the other night - it's still so good - and I have another of Andrew Lloyd Webber's musicals as well.  I am also on a couple of online forums and I enjoying talking to people in various countries all over - it's amazing what good chats you can have via the internet.  I'm also listening to Crime Scene 2 about the Lucy Letby case in the UK - I worked for a while as a court reporter (long ago) so the proceedings in court fascinate me.  (I've had a few different jobs in my time!)  I left that position due to bullying from the other women on the staff - together with another woman they always picked on as well - goodness knows why.  I think women in groups can form cliques and they pick on one or two people as a kind of "bonding".  I've been wary of joining any group of women since then - I like one or two good friends but I avoid groups of women - which is a shame.  

I had a nice coffee out after grocery shopping and chatted with a friend in Sydney for about an hour on the phone - she and I always have good chats.  We were talking about how expensive our grocery shopping is now and we only buy essential items, no "treats'.  I wonder if you are finding this difficult as well?

You must live in a coastal area?  It sounds rather lovely.  Are there nice people there or is it cliquey?  You're right about how you get talking about someone's dog - I think a dog makes breaking in with people easier, as the dogs say hello to each other and you can get talking to the other person about the dog - it seems to be a "safe" way for people to converse with others they don't know. 

Do you know many people where you live ER?  Are they friendly at all?

Paws, I hope you have got some of this lovely rain and cool wet weather down your way!  It beats the heat anytime!

[Paw Prints]

Hello Hann & ER,

3rd day in the 30s here, today hit 35.   I am so over this hot weather, there is a promised cool change some time tomorrow but no rain with it.   My place has been the place to hang out at for all the small & tiny birds that live nearby, as the pool (birdbath) opens for business each afternoon when the shade moves over it & it gets filled.  None of the larger bird use it, not even just to have a drink, which is what some of the medium size birds do.   

Hanna I love your story about the couple adopting the dog & taking it to visit it's old owner, that is such a lovely thing to do.   I agree that people with dogs seem to be more approachable.  I think many people use the behaviour of the dog & the owners behaviour to the dog to judge if the person is safe to talk to, I know it affects my decision to chat or not.  

I had a grade 6 teacher who bullied me because I was quiet & withdrawn.  He would call me derogatory names when having picked me out of the class to answer questions I got the answer right, the name calling would start over my not having put my hand up when I knew the answer.  The things he said were nasty & of course some of the other students would copy him taking it out to the playground.  So I had my parents insisting that I don't put myself forward or speak up & a teacher bullying me for the exact opposite.  

ER I'm so pleased for you that you feel you may have finally found a doctor who listens.   They are as rare as hens teeth, so I hope this one stays at that practice for you.

hugs

Paws

[Hanna3]

Hi Paws and ER

Sorry I have come & down with a virus today but will be back tomorrow I hope. 

[Paw Prints]

Hi Hanna,

Rest up lass & hopefully it is only a 24hr bug

hugs

Paws

[Hanna3]

Hi Paws and ER

Thanks Paws - still feeling pretty off, had a bad temp yesterday - and the weathe has turned hot and muggy again which makes it all feel worse.

Just a quick reply - I ran into another lovely couple today going to the vet this morning - they were elderly and had taken on a smallish dog from the local animal shelter that was I think 5 years old, the dog's owner had passed away - they were loving having him - when the husband got up to go into the cafe to order something the dog was frantic until he came back - I imagine having lost one owner, the poor thing didn't want to lose another.

Other than that I've just been resting, hopefully this bug will be over in another day or so.  Hope all is well with you ER.  

Chat soon when I am over the temperature  - it's just a bug it will ease off in another day or so. 

[Eagle Ray]

Hi Paws and Hanna,

I’m sorry you have the virus Hanna. I hope it improves really soon. Yes it’s good to just rest and take it easy.

The dog becoming frantic is something I’ve seen before. The attachments for some dogs are so strong but also have that insecure part where they don’t want to be left.

Paws I really empathise regarding the bullying teacher you had in Year 6. I had one like that in Year 5. I remember one day he got so angry I wasn’t understanding the maths he was teaching he kicked my chair really hard, almost from underneath me. I’m quite sure a lot of the difficulty I was having learning was because I was scared. I feel so much for you that you had that bullying. Some teachers pick on the quiet, withdrawn child because they think they can get away with it. I think sometimes there is intolerance to vulnerability in themselves too so they attack the vulnerability in someone else. I also feel like I’ve been bullied because of my quiet nature. It is especially hard as a child as there isn’t really anything you can do about it. Sending a hug to your child self Paws.

Hanna, I feel for you too about the bullying you experienced in the court reporter job. It would have been interesting work but it is not pleasant when there are cliques and bullying. It’s such an immature behaviour for adults to engage in. I know what you mean about some groups of women forming cliques as a kind of bonding. It seems like how they form a sense of security in a group but then they can gossip and exclude others. I also avoid some group of women for this reason. There are examples of it in my town and I stay away from those people now I know what they’re like. I’m sticking to interacting with people who have a more mature and kind way of relating.

I hope you are both getting cooler weather now. Hanna, yes I do live in a coastal location. I’ve made a couple of friends here. I still have more contacts in the city and try to catch up with people when I go there. My health has been so poor since coming here it has been hard to participate in the community and feel part of it as much as I would like to. But I just have to be gentle with myself and I think connections will come in time.

Bye for now,

ER