Staying/Getting/Doing Well – Moving goalposts or fixed target?

[Paw Prints]

Hi, this is my first post, though I have been reading the forums for some weeks. I’m probably expressing myself badly when I say that I have found reading about other people’s journeys reassuring. Finding a community of people who “get it” even when they have a wide variety of experiences and lives lived is not something I thought I would ever find.

Though people talk about getting well & there is a section Staying Well, I’m curious as to what this actually means to other people and how they manage their expectations. I noticed some people refer to being well as ‘being like themselves before they got ill’, whilst others don’t express an exact aim.

My idea of being well has changed over the years. I was first diagnosed as an 8 year old child back in the late sixties. The doctors told Mum that the voices in my head & the sudden crying bouts were because I suffered from ‘nerves’ & I was given meds to calm me. Of course such things were not discussed back then & I was told not to talk about it to anyone, not my school friends nor siblings, just Mum. For decades after my idea of being well simply meant being able to hide my illness from others.

A number of events in my life caused my illness to worsen, until some years ago I became so ill I needed to be hospitalised for my own safety. This lead to my current diagnosis of Major Depression, Anxiety & PTSD. I’m no longer in that dark place, but each day is still a battle (though I can now believe in a future). For now only my siblings & one friend know about my illness, though some things they still don’t know.
So, what does ‘being well’ mean to me, it is ever moving goalposts. If you had asked me 5 years ago would I be as well as I am now I would have thought it impossible as I couldn’t envision a future. If you had asked me last week (during one of my down periods) I would have said my progress was all an illusion & I was fooling myself that things can get better.
For now my idea of being well is being able to believe that things can change for the better, that I will one day be able to manage the everyday things like housework, caring for myself & caring for my dog & maybe, just maybe I will even be able to enjoy myself.

Paw Prints
**I took the tip to give myself time to write my post by writing on a word doc & then paste it.

[Paw Prints]

Hello Hanna, ER,

Thankfully I missed the worst of the weather that hit Vic.

Hanna I wouldn't give up on calling him Archie yet, it has only been a few days & it will take time for him to get used to the new name. 

I do feel for you having non stop humidity where you are, it is so draining. Could you get one of the portable coolers that you could sit in front of, the breeze would help offset some of the humidity. It might make sleeping easier also.

ER I remember summer days in a closed up house watching the cricket too. Now I have air con, I do wonder how our we managed back then with nothing more than a little fan in an old fibro house. 

Hugs

Paws

[Hanna3]

Hi Paws, yes fibro was what I had before, I think they only have two temperatures - baking hot or freezing cold!  I have an elderly friend who grew up in one in a cold area and he said his overwhelming memory of his childhood is of being perpetually cold.

With any luck summer will only manage a couple more weeks then the heat and humidity should drop.  There's no room for even a portable aircon in these little units, I am applying to get into one of the new villas that have insulation and reverse cycle.  

The kitty - he's now officially Brucie - lays on the bathroom tiles with the ceiling fans on.  I think we are in for some bad thunderstorms today too.  The people at the animal shelter were so pleased to hear how well he's settling in, I don't think many people bother to let them know.  Any luck re the new puppy?  I am still aiming for another doggo but that will be further down the road - one thing at a time!

[Eagle Ray]

Hello Hanna and Paws,

Hanna, I’m glad Brucie has found a cool spot on the bathroom tiles under the ceiling fan. If you do get the thunderstorms I hope they clear the air and cool things down. It’s sometimes a relief when a storm happens after a humid build up. It’s really lovely you’ve been able to let the shelter know how well Bruce is setting in.

Yes, the colour of the water at the beaches in Perth and Fremantle is beautiful. The light is very bright over here. I’ve spent a bit of time in Adelaide and Melbourne and there just doesn’t seem to be the same light intensity which I guess makes sense as they are further south. I remember being in Adelaide in their hottest summer on record and flying back to Perth, and Perth light still seemed much brighter even though it was less hot at the time.

Paws, I remember the lack of aircon in childhood. I don’t recall anyone who had it and cars didn’t have it either. We didn’t have it at school, nor ceiling fans. Until I was in Year 6 and the school put ceiling fans in the music room. So it was the biggest, most exciting thing if we got to go to the music room on a hot day. I still have this memory of my pencil continually sliding out of my hand while trying to write with it because of just sitting there in sweat in the sweltering classroom. I do wonder if it made us more resilient though as our bodies had to learn to adjust and survive.

 I hope you both enjoy the rest of your day 🙏🌼🌸

Hugs,

ER

[Hanna3]

Hi ER, Paws and all here

I remember at primary school we were told if the temperature ever reached 100 degrees we could all go home - but it never did.  I don't think it was this hot back then.  I find I can't do much in this humid weather it's so tiring.  Had a coffee out and roamed the op shops looking for a sewing kit, which I eventually found - there are no shops around here to sell things like that and I need to mend a shirt.

Do you live in a friendly town ER or with family?  It sounds faily remote?  I imagine it's a dry heat if you are in the west, which is better than humidity.  Do you have any pets?  Bruce is sweet in the evenings, during the hot days he is mostly sleeping, I keep the ceiling fan on for him and he just snoozes.

Watched a terrific documentary on Lady Diane Spencer the other night - her effect on people was amazing.  I think she was at her best when she did the humanitarian work and seemed most relaxed when she was simply wearing shirt and jeans.  She was so young when she had that car accident - 35.  Anyway it was interesting to see the old film footage.  

I am off to get dinner and relax for a while!  Nice to hear from you ER.

[Eagle Ray]

Hello Hanna,

I remember there was meant to be a rule about going home from school in hot weather too. I do remember it getting to 44 degrees Celsius when I was in Grade 4, but we didn’t get to go home, nor any other time, so I don’t think that rule was ever applied. It is true, it’s often a dry heat here in the west, except up north in the rainy season. Having said that, it has felt like Perth has become a bit more humid in recent years. It’s a full on heat wave there at the moment.

My town has friendly people in it, but like probably all towns it has its share of gossip. I stay out of the gossip 100%. There are a real range of characters here. I sometimes feel like I’m in that TV show SeaChange. I don’t know if you ever saw it but it was a great Australian TV series about a seaside town.

 I live by myself. I do get lonely at times. I’ve made a couple of local friends and catch up with them from time to time. One of them is a very kind neighbour who I must get in contact with tomorrow actually. We have been planning a coffee outing. Sometimes I get depressed and withdraw into myself, but of course that is when I need the people contact. I have some lovely friends back in Perth, 3 in particular who are lovely, gentle people. I have a cousin in Perth I feel close to and a few relatives I keep in touch with by phone. I don’t have any pets at the moment. I’m in the process of applying for the disability support pension due to long term health issues, both physical and mental. I think once that’s over I’ll feel a bit clearer about my future. I may get a dog or cat, or possibly do some pet fostering for one of the animal shelters.

Cats are such good sleepers in the day aren’t they. I look after my friend’s cat from time to time and I think she could win an Olympic medal for sleeping. Then she comes alive in the evening. She’ll sometimes do zoomies then. She likes to snuggle up for purr time in the evening too which sounds like Bruce.

 I saw a documentary about Lady Diana a couple of years ago. It sounded similar as it also showed her at her best informally meeting people while doing charity work. Yes, she was so young when she died. Such a life of pressure and too much really to deal with.

 I hope you’ve had a relaxing evening with gorgeous Brucie, Hanna.

Good night for now (or possibly morning where you are).

[Hanna3]

Hi ER,

A dry  heat is easier to cope with rather than humidity like here.  Perth was a lovely city when I saw it long ago but I'm sure it has got much bigger since then!  Small towns sure can be cliquey and gossipy - as you say, best to try to keep out of all that.  

A friend of mine in the inland town where I used to live rang today, she is quiet and very good at her work, the other women there are excluding her and bullying her and she is quite upset.  This happened to me in an office long ago - I told her they are picking on her because she is the outsider (she moved there from the city a while ago), she is quiet, and she is very good at her job.  The other women went to school together and have ganged up on her - but it's still very unpleasant for my friend.  I don't know what to advise her as she is in a very good job.

They make getting the DSP so difficult now - I got on it long ago when it was easier - I hope you are successful in getting onto it as it sounds as if it would be a big help for you.  Getting a pet or pets would be so good as well, they are such loyal companions and give so much joy,  

Brucie gets quite smoochy in the evenings and I am sure he will turn into a very sweet kitty - he's only had days here and I'm sure after he's been here for longer he will be even more relaxed.  He liked to lie spread out on the floor in a doorway so I can't get past him!  I play music to him - a friend of mine plays music to animals in vet practices and the animals all fall asleep to the music she plays - so I put on soothing music here and puss goes to sleep!

I heard Perth is getting a heatwave and I wonder if that is hitting where you are?  I sure hope the DSP application goes well for you ER, then you could settle and get those pets!

[Eagle Ray]

Hello Hanna,

Yes, Perth has indeed gotten much bigger and busier. I do prefer dry heat to humidity. I can cope quite well with dry heat but find humidity harder. I’m very fortunate to be a bit out of the heatwave where I am. 43 degrees is forecast for Perth tomorrow!

 I really feel for your friend. There can definitely be cliques in towns and newcomers who didn’t grow up there can be treated differently. It’s really awful and also childish behaviour from the other women. I hope your friend may be able to make friends with some other people in town who are nicer, maybe through a common interest. One of the friends I have here, we just met on the street and started chatting. We both love animals and wildlife. We’ve had some similar personal struggles too. She has a gorgeous doggo. I am quiet like your friend and I’ve had some bullying behaviour from a woman at a local cafe here I no longer visit. Basically I’ve been judged because I’m not working. There’s just no understanding of what I’ve been through with mental and physical health. There can be a kind of small-mindedness in some people. I hope your friend can realise she is a better, wiser, kinder person than those giving her a hard time. It sometimes helps just realising they are the ones with the issue. But it is hard when you have to work with them.

The DSP is definitely not easy to get onto. My GP is about to do his report for it. My psychologist has done her report. The consultant from the disability agency I’m with is also doing a report. I will have to do an hour long job capacity interview too. I’ve been told by an advocacy organisation they try to trip you up by asking the same question multiple times to try to fail you. I also have to fill out the paperwork. So the whole thing feels unpleasant but I have to go through it and hope for the best.

 I have very much wanted to get a dog. I just watched two episodes tonight of The Dog House Australia on Channel 10. I don’t know if you’ve seen it but they match people up with a rescue dog. It’s a lovely show and the people working at the animal rescue place are so kind. A concern I have with my health is being able to be a good dog parent. I go down with bouts of illness with the liver disease I have where I can hardly stand let alone walk for days. I’ll then improve and be quite good then go downhill again. I obviously want to be able to care for a dog properly. That has led me to think about a cat which can be easier in some ways in terms of health.

 I love how you play music to Brucie and your friend does to animals in vet practices. Animals feel everything and are sensitive beings. I’m sure it helps relax animals at the vet. I was at a music gig once where a man had brought his pet cockatoo along who danced like crazy to every song played. Sometimes he was on the man’s shoulder and sometimes bopping away on the floor. People were careful to give him space and not step on him. It was delightful!

Bye for now Hanna, and wave to Paws too!

[Hanna3]

Hi ER,

I have made the best friends when I wasn't trying - I met the friend I was talking about while I was out walking my dog - so pure chance.  She understands why the other women are bullying her but that doesn't make her workplace any nicer - it's so unpleasant for her.

I can imagine what you might get as someone not working - people can be so judgmental. My friend was a sinlgle Mum for a long time and often couldn't pay her bills and she really had a tough time as she even had to go to court to explain why she couldn't pay her debts.  People just don't understand - and single Mums get picked on for being irresponsible etc etc.

I find this ongoing heat tiring and boring, as you can't do much outside.  Poor old Bruce lies stretched out on the floor under the ceiling fan but he's hot.  My friend has several cats and was able to give me some good advice about a few things with Brucie.

I'm going out for lunch at an outdoor cafe, it usually gets a breeze as it's near the sea so here's hoping... the sun is fierce today.  I will be back later on ER.  Cheers.

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Hanna,

 I hope you enjoyed the lunch at the outdoor cafe and that there was at least some breeze near the ocean. It certainly can feel frustrating not being able to do much on such days. I hope it was relaxing by the ocean anyway. I find it can be therapeutic even just looking at the ocean. I hope it’s cooling off a bit now for you and Brucie.

I’m finding it a struggle today as I’ve been very ill for a couple of days. It seems a cyclical issue with the liver disease I have. My whole body feels toxic and I started wretching as soon as I woke this morning. I’m lying on the couch now and trying to get the strength to get up and write down things for my GP tomorrow as he is doing his part of the DSP application. I haven’t seen him for all that long and feel I have to get across the various health challenges I’ve had as he only has limited info. I just feel so ill but feel I need to be prepared and have something written down otherwise I will just space out and go blank tomorrow as I often do. I feel it is a very alone struggle and I have to be my own advocate.

It’s lovely you met your friend while walking your dog. The friend I mentioned above was walking her dog when I met her. I asked if I could pat her dog and she said yes and we started a conversation. Her dog is one of the “oodle” dogs. I don’t think a Labradoodle, maybe a Groodle (golden retriever/labrador cross) but I can’t remember for sure. He is quite big and has a gorgeous nature.

Have a lovely evening Hanna,

ER

[Eagle Ray]

P.S. Sorry I meant golden retriever/poodle cross for a Groodle.