Staying/Getting/Doing Well – Moving goalposts or fixed target?

[Paw Prints]

Hi, this is my first post, though I have been reading the forums for some weeks. I’m probably expressing myself badly when I say that I have found reading about other people’s journeys reassuring. Finding a community of people who “get it” even when they have a wide variety of experiences and lives lived is not something I thought I would ever find.

Though people talk about getting well & there is a section Staying Well, I’m curious as to what this actually means to other people and how they manage their expectations. I noticed some people refer to being well as ‘being like themselves before they got ill’, whilst others don’t express an exact aim.

My idea of being well has changed over the years. I was first diagnosed as an 8 year old child back in the late sixties. The doctors told Mum that the voices in my head & the sudden crying bouts were because I suffered from ‘nerves’ & I was given meds to calm me. Of course such things were not discussed back then & I was told not to talk about it to anyone, not my school friends nor siblings, just Mum. For decades after my idea of being well simply meant being able to hide my illness from others.

A number of events in my life caused my illness to worsen, until some years ago I became so ill I needed to be hospitalised for my own safety. This lead to my current diagnosis of Major Depression, Anxiety & PTSD. I’m no longer in that dark place, but each day is still a battle (though I can now believe in a future). For now only my siblings & one friend know about my illness, though some things they still don’t know.
So, what does ‘being well’ mean to me, it is ever moving goalposts. If you had asked me 5 years ago would I be as well as I am now I would have thought it impossible as I couldn’t envision a future. If you had asked me last week (during one of my down periods) I would have said my progress was all an illusion & I was fooling myself that things can get better.
For now my idea of being well is being able to believe that things can change for the better, that I will one day be able to manage the everyday things like housework, caring for myself & caring for my dog & maybe, just maybe I will even be able to enjoy myself.

Paw Prints
**I took the tip to give myself time to write my post by writing on a word doc & then paste it.

[Paw Prints]

Hello ER,

Oh lass, I can't begin to imagine how it must feel wanting children & not being able to have them.  I've never felt that need myself.  I do have family members & a friend who like you have that need but can't have children themselves, so I have seen first hand how much it can affect someone.  I wish there were words that would help, but I know all I can say or do is be here & hold a space for you.  

In Melbourne we don't get the dolphins in the Yarra River & the bay is rarely flat & still, so being able to see a dolphin from the shore as you can is almost impossible.  My nephew often sees the dolphins when he takes his tinnie out fishing on the bay.  

I was in bed by 8:15 last night & asleep almost as soon as my head hit the pillow.   I got up about 6:30 this morning & have been fighting the urge to go back to bed to sleep since about 2 hours after getting up.  I'm trying to not give in to sleeping at any time during the day so I can get into my planned healthy sleep routine.  I will definitely be in bed before 10pm tonight. 

Despite being tired & a bit weepy all day I did manage to get some things done. My kitchen has gotten away from me again, so this afternoon  I was doing small 15 minute bursts of cleaning & organising.  I've only cleared a third of the counter space so far, but I did reorganise one cupboard, de cobweb, do the dishes, scrub the sink & scrub the cleared bench space, as well as put the things cleared from the bench where they belong.  I really need to get back into the "put away not put down" habit.  

I usually keep water on my bedside table in a little insulated flask.  Unfortunately the other night I didn't wake up at any point to be able to drink some, that in itself is unusual as I normally wake briefly a few times a night when I need to change position or throw the covers on or off.

I'm glad to hear you intend to break your drive to Perth, especially if it is going to be hot.  Fatigue while driving is such an insidious danger.   I'm keeping everything crossed that the day I'm meant to be going to my sil's won't be too hot for me to travel.

Hugs

Paws

[Eagle Ray]

Hello Paws,

I have sort of come to terms with not having children, but it’s like my body hasn’t, if that makes sense. I knew from the age of 40 I wasn’t going to as I felt I would be too old after the age. But it’s like my body is still saying, hey, not giving up yet. I was watching a lovely documentary on King Penguins recently and their whole drive is to find a mate and raise a chick. They go to extraordinary lengths working as a team to keep the chick alive and get it to adulthood through many hazards. It’s a fascinating thing the drive to reproduce even though it means a lot of self-sacrifice. When I was 29 I cared for a friend’s baby daughter 2 days a week and it was like the most peaceful, in-flow experience I’ve ever had. I’d take her for walks with their little dog to the nearby uni to catch up at lunch time where my friend was working. One of my former uni lecturers took one look at me with baby and dog and said, “You look like you’re doing what you were born to do”. He was right, I felt so at peace. I am fortunate to have my friend’s little girl now to spend time with and see her grow up.

Yes, I can imagine it would not be easy to see a dolphin from the shore in the bay at Melbourne. I realise we are lucky here as there’s quite a few places they can be seen. The first time I saw them in the wild was at Rottnest Island, I think when I was 8. Where I live now, if the fish are really schooling and the dolphins are having a feast, they’ll do all kinds of mid air flips and acrobatics as they are so happy with plentiful food.

Well done for staying awake but I do know how hard that can be. It would be great to know the mechanisms in your body wanting to make you sleep. Me being a detective I’m always trying to understand what is behind physiological symptoms. Also I feel depression is as much physiological as it is mental. Our body must go down for a reason. I think about how hard it was for you from when you were only 12 and you took on so much responsibility and I often wonder later if our bodies are in a compensatory state saying you have to crash and rest now whether you like it or not. I feel those years when I was a carer manifested that way. I pushed myself to the max and then my body crashed and I’m still somewhat in that crash now.

I think doing small 15 minute bursts of cleaning is so sensible. I’m finding I have to break things up into portions and rest between. I totally understand the just putting down instead of putting away thing. I think when we feel we’re just getting by it’s hard to do the simplest thing. I’m trying to put my washing away as soon as I bring it in now instead of it sitting in the basket for days. It’s like just bringing it in is an effort. I understand about feeling teary and wish I could be there to give you a hug 🤗 

The temperatures I’m heading into in Perth seem so strange as it’s been cool enough here to need a jumper in recent days. I am so, so glad I decided to break the journey up as I’ve been extremely tired. I just woke up from a sleep on the couch now actually.

We had the mini strata meeting this morning and gosh people are fascinating. One person who was adamant they wanted certain works to happen at the main meeting, today claimed the total opposite and that the works idea is ridiculous. At the main meeting I realise now she was appeasing the woman who can be a bully and today she was appeasing the council president who has a persuasive personality. What she really thinks I have no idea. Although I have had patterns of appeasing people based on my childhood experiences, one thing I can’t do is lie. So I might acquiesce to someone but I can’t actually lie as part of it. I have compulsive honesty so it completely throws me when others are not real in what they’re saying. I don’t know what to do with that and feel very confused. It’s like it doesn’t compute. It’s the part of me that feels autistic where there is a very honest, literal perspective and people’s social performances are a mystery 🤔

Well I must get up off my couch where I’m lying with a view to the lovely descending dusky light outside. Wishing you a lovely sleep tonight and day tomorrow.

Hugs,

ER