Staying/Getting/Doing Well – Moving goalposts or fixed target?

[Paw Prints]

Hi, this is my first post, though I have been reading the forums for some weeks. I’m probably expressing myself badly when I say that I have found reading about other people’s journeys reassuring. Finding a community of people who “get it” even when they have a wide variety of experiences and lives lived is not something I thought I would ever find.

Though people talk about getting well & there is a section Staying Well, I’m curious as to what this actually means to other people and how they manage their expectations. I noticed some people refer to being well as ‘being like themselves before they got ill’, whilst others don’t express an exact aim.

My idea of being well has changed over the years. I was first diagnosed as an 8 year old child back in the late sixties. The doctors told Mum that the voices in my head & the sudden crying bouts were because I suffered from ‘nerves’ & I was given meds to calm me. Of course such things were not discussed back then & I was told not to talk about it to anyone, not my school friends nor siblings, just Mum. For decades after my idea of being well simply meant being able to hide my illness from others.

A number of events in my life caused my illness to worsen, until some years ago I became so ill I needed to be hospitalised for my own safety. This lead to my current diagnosis of Major Depression, Anxiety & PTSD. I’m no longer in that dark place, but each day is still a battle (though I can now believe in a future). For now only my siblings & one friend know about my illness, though some things they still don’t know.
So, what does ‘being well’ mean to me, it is ever moving goalposts. If you had asked me 5 years ago would I be as well as I am now I would have thought it impossible as I couldn’t envision a future. If you had asked me last week (during one of my down periods) I would have said my progress was all an illusion & I was fooling myself that things can get better.
For now my idea of being well is being able to believe that things can change for the better, that I will one day be able to manage the everyday things like housework, caring for myself & caring for my dog & maybe, just maybe I will even be able to enjoy myself.

Paw Prints
**I took the tip to give myself time to write my post by writing on a word doc & then paste it.

[Paw Prints]

Hello ER,

Lass I hope the migraine has completely gone & you are feeling better.

I'm glad the receptionist at your specialist was so helpful.  Given your concerns about the medication, it is good you can come off it, that must be a relief.  I think western medicine is slowly getting better at looking at other options for treating illnesses.  Yes some holistic/traditional medicine is pure rubbish, but not all of it, modern medicine just lumped it all together as rubbish & then doctors were afraid to explore any of it.  Definitely a case of throwing the baby out with the bath water.  I think there is a growing awareness that while modern medicine has it's place, it is not the be all & end all.  

I spent some time this afternoon watching the fledgling magpie & it's very patient parents.  One of the parents came & drank at my bird bath & then sat for what seemed like ages on the fence post, waiting for junior to put in an appearance.  The youngster's flying has improved by leaps & bounds over the past fortnight.  It can't be far off being fully self sufficient.

Have you given any further thought to doing the meditation classes you mentioned that were during the day in the next town?   Having visiting your housesitting friends & then fluffy cat are nice things to look forward to, but until you can move, it might do you good to have something else on a regular basis to look forward to.

Hugs

Paws

[Eagle Ray]

Hello Paws,

That’s lovely watching the fledgling magpie growing up and the patient parents taking care of the little one. I am very fond of young magpies. There is something delightful about them. It’s nice to know that magpies are another bird benefiting from your bird bath.

I went out early this morning to my favourite ocean place and saw lots of birds. Sooty Oystercatchers were finding snails on the rocks that they then worked to prise open to eat. I had a cute little rusty coloured Southern Emu Wren very close to me at one point. There were two bodyboarders out catching the waves that were pretty dramatic. I’ve never seen anyone try to surf that spot before which is quite treacherous and they had a hard time getting back in. It was really good for me being out early. It really is the best time of the day. I appreciate being here at the moment as Perth is in a week long heatwave of high 30s and low 40s but it’s just lovely here.

There can be good and bad in both alternative and mainstream medicine. Some of it is now converging, especially in regard to understanding the centrality of the gut microbiome in health. The naturopath I go to is very scientific and will only follow what is evidence-based. He’s acting from a stronger evidence base than the doctors I’ve seen. But some other naturopaths do a lot of guess work without a strong evidence base. I like the fact the one I work with is collaborative. He shares research articles with me and I can share articles with him and he is engaged and interested. He genuinely wants to problem solve things which is how my mind works as well. I want to really solve my health issues, not just be issued a standard script and have the door closed on me, which is what it’s felt like in mainstream medical encounters. I’m someone who really wants to heal.

In further checking the website about the meditation classes, I found the one in the day is actually a course of several weeks (one day a week). I’d miss one of them as I’ll be in the city. The other class is in the evening which isn’t ideal regarding the night driving and kangaroos. So I’ll think about that one. There will be various other day things I’m sure. There’s a big noticeboard in that town that’s jam packed with classes, social activities, events etc. I can feel myself really wanting to connect with people at the moment.

Well must go and do my dishes now. Trying to decide whether to be up early for another nature and photographic venture in the morning. I’ve been waking with the sunrise and they have been beautiful 🌅 

I hope you have a good sleep Paws and a lovely day tomorrow.

Hugs,

ER

[Paw Prints]

Hello ER,

There is something magical about being up at dawn & experiencing the world waking up.  I've never been on the coast at that time of day & until talking with you had never thought about how different & special it would be to experience that.  Perhaps that might be something I could do come winter, when all the tourists have gone.  An early morning nature & photography outing sounds like a perfect way to start the day for you.  

How special getting to see the Sooty Oystercatchers behaving so naturally right near you.  That shows how well you manage to read the environment & flow with nature.  

That is a pity about the meditation classes.  That the noticeboard is full is promising though, hopefully there are more things on it that might appeal to you.  Does that town have a community centre/neighbourhood house?  They often offer one off events which might be a good way for you to start dipping your toe back into being around people.  My local council has a page on their website for community groups & social events, perhaps yours does too.  

Your naturopath sounds great.  Having someone who not only listens to you, but works in an evidence based collaborative way must be so healing in itself.  Studies have shown that when we feel we have some agency in our medical journey, we have better outcomes.  I know what you mean about mainstream medicine encounters feeling like being processed rather than treated.  I think a large part of that is the way doctors are reimbursed, they aren't paid for taking time with each patient & looking deeply into things, rather they get paid to get through as many patients as possible.  It is a false economy I think, as it means many things that might have been caught or managed in the early stages instead progress to worse outcomes requiring more expensive care.  More importantly it means many people suffer from health issues much longer than they may otherwise have done.

I've been invited by my sil for lunch at her place in early Feb.  It will be strange as it will be the last time I will be in my late brothers house as she has put it on the market & it will be sold by then.  The house is far too big for her to be rattling around in on her own, but it has taken her until now to feel able to let go & move on.  The sensible me thinks it is good that she is doing this, the emotional me feels like I'm losing a connection to my brother.  Which I know is silly, it is just a thing.

Hot & horrible here today & tomorrow, but hopefully much cooler come Wednesday.

Sleep well

Hugs

Paws

[Eagle Ray]

Hello dear Paws,

As I start typing this thunder has started to rumble outside. It’s been warmish here but not super hot like in Perth.

Yes, dawn, sunrise and just after really is a lovely time. Is it far to travel to the coast for you Paws? I was thinking if one of the breeders you are thinking of visiting is near the coast you could even book a little holiday there and get to be at the ocean at sunrise. I imagine there are some similar birds on the Victorian coast, including the Sooty Oystercatchers and Pied Oystercatchers we get here. They are one of my very favourite birds and have so much character.

I’m sure the town near me has something like a community centre, probably near the library actually. There really is quite a lot going on there, so little by little I’ll put out feelers. Yes, one off events are quite a good idea.

I totally agree that the way the medical system currently works, doctors are trying to get through patient after patient quickly. But many complex health issues are therefore only tended to in a piecemeal way and it is indeed a false economy in multiple ways. As an example, the naturopath rang me today to advise that while he was writing a referral to the nurse practitioner he did more research and identified that hormone meds are an issue with bile flow which is a problem with the disease I have and can lead to gallstones developing and the progression of cholestasis. While on HRT I did develop strong gallbladder pain. He’s concerned it’s not the best option for me. He then ran through some alternatives for the depression/despair I’ve been experiencing, both alternative and conventional. So I now have some things to look into. I’m so grateful for this info. I had tried to get the same info from the liver specialist a year ago regarding the safety of HRT with my liver disease and he just changed the subject and didn’t answer me. The hormone doctor also wouldn’t engage on the possible impacts of HRT on the liver disease. It took the naturopath to identify that info and make the effort to call and discuss it with me. It’s like the conventional doctors have no time and bandwidth to actually genuinely engage and that can lead to poor results for a patient.

It’s lovely you will be going to your sil for lunch. I do understand what you mean about attachment to the house. It’s amazing how they hold memories and associations isn’t it. After leaving home I lived in 10 different rental properties and with the exception of two where I didn’t stay long, I felt very emotional leaving. I’ve even done things like look them up on real estate sites to see inside what used to be my home. I think each home is part of your life journey and personal history, so it makes total sense to have those feelings. Perhaps it can be a time to remember your brother and maybe share some memories with your sil. I get strong emotional place associations in relation to people so I understand what you mean. I think it can help though too. On my last visit to Perth I revisited the location I met the first love of my life aged 18. I was driving past and decided to stop. I sat under a tree there and had some tears and it was actually healing, all these decades later! I think being someone who can feel deeply is a good thing Paws, even though it’s hard sometimes. Life is richer for it.

Well quite a big flash of lightning just then. Not too close by though. I’m quite enjoying the atmosphere. I’m glad you have the cool change on Wednesday. Keep cool tomorrow.

Big hugs,

ER

[Paw Prints]

Hello ER,

That the naturopath called you about the HRT & had bothered to keep investigating is wonderful.  He sounds like such a caring person who genuinely has his patients wellbeing at heart.  Lass you are doing so extraordinarily well at trying to fight your way through each day & managing as much as you do, but I hope you find that at least one of his suggestions for treating your depression is worth trialling & does benefit you.  To not have to expend the energy fighting depression every minute of every day would enable your body to use that energy towards healing.

I hope you didn't lose power with the thunderstorm going through & that the storm didn't get too bad.  In winter I enjoy watching thunderstorms & the the way the lightening tracks, as long as the winds don't get too strong & there isn't large hail accompanying it. 🙄  I tend to worry about lightening strikes starting fires in summer, even if there is rain.  

The coast is only about a 30 minute drive away (would be a 15 minute drive as the crow flies), but the few dog friendly beaches are an hour or more away & the majority of those don't allow dogs from October to April.  With the breeders I'm looking into, 2 are in the Adelaide hills & 2 are in Vic about 4 to 5 hours away from me, none are near the coast.  Given the distance from here with all of them it will mean I will need to stay overnight nearby when I go to see them. 

Did you make it to the beach for sunrise again?  I'm sure that just that smell which comes after the storm would have made it magical.

Hugs

Paws

[Eagle Ray]

Hello Paws,

The naturopath had two suggestions he can provide and also mentioned the standard antidepressants that I can get from a doctor. The first antidepressants the GP was recommending would not be suitable because they activate mast cells which is precisely what I need to avoid at the moment. The most standard antidepressants don't have that issue but can be impaired in effectiveness by histamine intolerance, so in my case they may not be worth it as I still have histamine intolerance issues at the moment. It's now being understood that that could be behind some treatment resistant depression in some people, that their histamine levels are too high for the meds to work properly. The most hopeful one I think is one of the herbal meds that is used for hormonal symptoms. It modulates hormones and neurotransmitters. What I've read so far is promising and I'm leaning in that direction.

It is funny at the moment because on the one hand I feel like collapsing on the ground and crying multiple times a day, and on the other hand I'm like, life is so beautiful and everything's amazing. Obviously I have high emotional sensitivity at the moment and it's like two sides of the same coin. But overall I feel I am on a positive trajectory and moving in a healing direction. I've had such good support from the naturopath and psychologist and that makes such a difference as I feel much less alone. Both of them are pro-active and constructive in their approach and I want to make a difference for myself and be as well as possible.

There was no loss of power from the thunderstorm. It didn't pass directly overhead but there were just those rumbles over a few hours with some impressive lightning displays. There's been a fair bit of light rain that fell for a while which is so good for the garden and the surrounding environment. It's peaceful, still and atmospheric this morning. It's also been humid today and yesterday which is the impact of the cyclone system that has been passing over the WA coast.

That is nice the coast is not too far for you Paws, though it would be great if the dog friendly beaches were closer. One of the most delightful experiences I've had is watching dogs at a dog beach. It is the epitome of joy! They are all beside themselves playing, exploring and socialising with other dogs. It's like the most excitable, happy energy. That could be a nice expedition going and staying in those areas in Victoria and the Adelaide Hills. Over here we are so far from everything so it is several days to get to Adelaide. I tend to forget how close everything is over there in terms of other states and cities as I'm so used to thinking of vast distances. Perhaps you could find a nice place for a few days in the Adelaide Hills, if you can find something in your budget, and just have a lovely holiday there too? AirBNB is one option where you can sometimes find really unique places in peaceful settings. While I usually have a place to stay in Perth, last time I stayed in an AirBNB and the family who ran it were the most beautiful people and it made my stay extra lovely.

I didn't get to the beach for sunrise again. I felt the need for sleep. But I will definitely be doing more visits to various coastal locations at sunrise. It gets easier as the days get shorter as I don't have to be up quite as early. Actually autumn and early winter are often absolutely beautiful times for sunrise photography in Perth and down here as well, as there are these still mornings where the water is like glass on the river and there's just a beautiful atmosphere if at the beach.

Well I must get on with sorting out light fittings. I got new globes yesterday as 3 had gone about the same time. One has broken off so the base of it is still stuck in the fitting and I have to solve getting that one out as it's really stuck. I think it will involve some delicate manoeuvring with pliers.

I hope you are having a lovely day and that you are experiencing the cool change as forecast. Take care Paws 🤗

Hugs,

ER

[Paw Prints]

Hello ER,

I'm hoping the broken globe was in a lamp & not a ceiling light.  It is hard enough trying to manoeuvre the broken bit out without trying to do it while reaching over your head & looking up.  

The cool change has come through & it is a lovely.  Only one hot day forecast for the coming week, but unfortunately despite the forecast saying most days will be cloudy, there is no rain at all expected.  It is good to hear you had some decent rain last night.

Autumn is very atmospheric.  As a child I used to look forward to autumn as the days were usually without a breath of wind & the morning fogs would most often turn into a hazy day with diffused sunlight.  It was the best time of year to be out in the garden as it was neither too hot or too wet & I loved helping to cut back & tidy the plants before the winter frosts set in.  I don't know if it is the same in WA but we don't get the full Autumn period now, Summer lasts longer & Winter starts earlier, so Spring has also shortened by a considerable amount.  I think it was Melbourne Uni who produced a study about 8 years ago, which showed that in Melbourne both Summer & Winter were more than (I think it was about 23) days longer now than they were 50 years ago.  

You do seem to be in a heightened emotional state with such diametrically opposing moods occurring.  Lass feeling the need to fall down & cry must be draining on you.  Are you letting the tears flow, rather than trying to hold it all in?   I do love your positivity, especially how you continue to stay focussed on what you yourself can do to improve & heal, but part of that healing is allowing ourselves to cry when we need to.  

Be gentle with yourself lass

Hugs

Paws

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Paws,

Unfortunately the globe is in a ceiling light fitting so I’ve been up on a ladder trying to remove the broken part that’s stuck. But alas no success. I think I’m going to have to get the electrician in again who should be able to get it out, as well as deal with a few other electrical issues.

I’m really glad you have the cool change but, yes, some rain would be so good too. We have had some good rain here, not heavy but over quite a while. It’s such a contrast to last year where we had effectively 9 months of drought. It’s the effect of the cyclone system bringing rain. I hope it tracks over to you and you finally get some rain.

I loved the description of autumn in your childhood. Absolutely beautiful. I think the patterns are changing here as well. Last year we had no autumn at all. It was summer conditions right up until June then it suddenly transitioned to winter virtually overnight. It was quite odd. Spring happened but was different because of the drought devastation, so much fewer wildflowers and the landscape was still struggling somewhat even after winter. I’m really hoping for a more familiar autumn this year. When it happens we get that absolute stillness you describe from your childhood and some lovely misty mornings. I’ve been down at the river where the water is like glass when I hear this breathing sound. I suspect a dolphin, look around and sure enough I see a silhouette of a dolphin breaking the surface. Just so beautiful.

I’m definitely on a hormonally driven rollercoaster. Yesterday I woke at 3:30am in abject despair. I am breaking down sobbing and, yes, I just try to allow it, but also still trying to live life and do things. By 7:30am yesterday after 4 hours of hell I decided to go for a long walk which helped as it helps to regulate hormones and the nervous system. It helps at a metabolic level as in a low oestrogen state metabolism changes and doesn’t work as well. I can feel this in insulin resistance I’m experiencing and hunger attacks I’m getting. I’m making sure I have protein with every meal and eating very healthy, but even with that there is a lot of instability in my system. I’m dealing with chronic low-grade migraines as well which are part of that. The good news is after contacting the liver specialist again he has agreed to let me go back on my old med which helps with bile flow in the liver and also stabilising mast cells (not the more recent med with safety issues). Then the hormone specialist even got back to me yesterday after I thought I wasn’t going to hear from her again and sent me a script for one of the hormones. I know it helps with the depression but still researching safety issues with it in terms of bile flow in the liver which the naturopath raised which are valid concerns. So I know I have a few options on the table and it’s up to me to navigate the best way forward.

I’m going to attempt some more vacuuming and tidying today. I’m on council for the strata and may have other council members here on the weekend to discuss proposed expensive works on the strata property. There’s nothing like having people visiting to motivate a clean up 😂 In an ideal world I wish I’d gone to a place I could own outright rather than a strata property but there were not affordable options. Even if I move it will be strata again. But I also see an upside which is learning negotiation and interpersonal skills in managing what are often divergent views about strata matters. I’m at least on the same page as the president of the council, but divergent with some other members who want expensive works that the president and myself don’t see as necessary.

Anyway, so goes life. I hope you’re having a good day Paws and I will ask the rain gods to send our rain over to you.

Hugs,

ER

[Paw Prints]

Hello ER,

Oh how magical, everything being still & then hearing a dolphin & seeing it breaking the surface.  That is so special, I can't think of anywhere in Victoria where that would possible.  Hopefully with the drought breaking where you live you may get a more traditional Autumn this year.  How wonderful would that be.  The foggy mornings must give you such a variety of perfect photo opportunities, from misty panoramas to the whimsical miniature world created by dew drops & sparkling spider webs.

Lass as someone who was a chronic migraine sufferer, I do know how debilitating even low grade migraines can be.  99% of mine were hormonal based & thankfully since passing menopause they are a now thing of memory.  Hold onto that fact & know there is a light at the end of the tunnel, even if it feels like things will be like this forever.  

Wow both your liver specialist & hormone specialist got back to you!!  That is good news that you can go back on the liver med you found helpful in the past.  I really hope that the med the hormone specialist sent you a script for turns out to be ok for you to use too.  I'm sure that between yourself & your naturopath you will find a hormone support medication which works for you.

You are brave being on the strata council for your property, I most definitely couldn't cope with being in such a position.  Your positivity streak shows through with you seeing it as a good learning experience.  

I over slept by a lot last night into today & so woke with a headache.  Thankfully now I have got my fluid intake up, the headache is almost gone.  Because I over slept I've got nothing much done yet apart from having breakfast & filling the bird bath.  I might get some things done tonight, but I'm not counting on it.  

Dusk has arrived here & the kookaburras are calling to one another, which is unusual as they normally call with the dawn.  It is finally still after days of blustery winds & I have my window open so the crickets sound particularly loud tonight.

I hope you get more of that lovely soaking rain.

Hugs

Paws

[Eagle Ray]

Hi Paws,

I just did a bit of a search and there are dolphins in Port Phillip Bay and you can sea kayak to a dolphin sanctuary at the Mornington Peninsula. They are the bottlenose dolphins that we get here. If the sea is calm on an autumn morning it could be a similar atmosphere. The dolphins come up the river here as they do in the Swan and Canning Rivers in Perth where I’ve seen them often. They come into the Swan River at Fremantle and head quite far up, deviating into the Canning which flows into the Swan. Yes, that is so true what you say about the photographic opportunities of autumn mornings. I went down one morning here hoping to photograph a swan in the fog on the river just after sunrise and I was able to. Plus there were dew drops on spider’s webs just like you describe.

My mum had the hormonal migraines too and hers disappeared once fully in menopause. I really hope that happens for me. I think I have to be nearing the end of perimenopause by now. I know from a scan last year one ovary has no eggs and the other almost nothing. I had always wanted to have a family and that has been a source of grief to me. I’ve even wondered if the body desperately hangs on still hoping for that possibility. It’s like my body doesn’t want to let go and keeps trying to be reproductive. I think there is an inherent biological drive in all creatures to create new life at an unconscious level, even if in our conscious lives as humans we have let go of the possibility. I honestly feel like my body is saying I’m not giving up yet, but in reality it’s too late now. I do love spending time with my friend’s little girl because I get to be like an aunty and nurture another human being, which is so important to me to express that part of myself and feel I can care for a little person.

I’m still researching the hormone med to determine its safety relative to my liver condition. It’s a mast cell stabiliser so in theory it’s helpful, as mast cells are an issue in the condition, but it can affect bile flow. Interestingly it is the nurturing hormone that increases during pregnancy. It was calming before and helped me with sleep. The naturopath was saying it is a hormone that is calming for mothers when dealing with the demands of small children. It’s amazing how our bodies work and have all these in built chemicals and mechanisms that kick into action to help us out in certain situations.

I didn’t want to be on the strata council but the strata manager and council president practically begged me as they didn’t want to have another owner who is very difficult to deal with on council to make up the quorum. So I was treasurer for a while and now secretary but it really mostly doesn’t involve much as the strata company do the bulk of it. It’s just handling these scenarios where there are marked differences of opinion about property issues.

Yes, I think oversleeping can lead to dehydration and a headache. I often have a glass of water by my bed so if I wake up I can sit up and have a drink easily. I’m glad the headache eased with some fluid intake. Are you finding you are able to get to bed by your planned time of about 10pm? I know it’s not easy to do. I’ve been going to bed quite late lately. I’m also starting to not sleep again, which I know is hormonally related (loss of oestrogen leads to reduced serotonin and melatonin). But last night, as usual, it was a podcast that sent me off to sleep. All these podcasts, if I want to actually hear them, I have to listen again later. But I’m very grateful they help me sleep.

It’s cool and cloudy here this morning. I head to Perth next week and it’s going to be incredibly hot 🥵 While it seems almost silly to do it, I’m staying at a caravan park half way as my driver fatigue has been so bad in recent times and I also want to minimise driving in the heat. I’m learning to take things really gently and slowly at a pace that best suits me.

I hope you get some of our rain soon. It’s lovely you have some stillness and a break from the wind. I loved hearing about the kookaburras. They used to call at dusk where I grew up. Have a lovely Saturday Paws.

Hugs,

ER