Staying/Getting/Doing Well – Moving goalposts or fixed target?

[Paw Prints]

Hi, this is my first post, though I have been reading the forums for some weeks. I’m probably expressing myself badly when I say that I have found reading about other people’s journeys reassuring. Finding a community of people who “get it” even when they have a wide variety of experiences and lives lived is not something I thought I would ever find.

Though people talk about getting well & there is a section Staying Well, I’m curious as to what this actually means to other people and how they manage their expectations. I noticed some people refer to being well as ‘being like themselves before they got ill’, whilst others don’t express an exact aim.

My idea of being well has changed over the years. I was first diagnosed as an 8 year old child back in the late sixties. The doctors told Mum that the voices in my head & the sudden crying bouts were because I suffered from ‘nerves’ & I was given meds to calm me. Of course such things were not discussed back then & I was told not to talk about it to anyone, not my school friends nor siblings, just Mum. For decades after my idea of being well simply meant being able to hide my illness from others.

A number of events in my life caused my illness to worsen, until some years ago I became so ill I needed to be hospitalised for my own safety. This lead to my current diagnosis of Major Depression, Anxiety & PTSD. I’m no longer in that dark place, but each day is still a battle (though I can now believe in a future). For now only my siblings & one friend know about my illness, though some things they still don’t know.
So, what does ‘being well’ mean to me, it is ever moving goalposts. If you had asked me 5 years ago would I be as well as I am now I would have thought it impossible as I couldn’t envision a future. If you had asked me last week (during one of my down periods) I would have said my progress was all an illusion & I was fooling myself that things can get better.
For now my idea of being well is being able to believe that things can change for the better, that I will one day be able to manage the everyday things like housework, caring for myself & caring for my dog & maybe, just maybe I will even be able to enjoy myself.

Paw Prints
**I took the tip to give myself time to write my post by writing on a word doc & then paste it.

[Paw Prints]

Hello ER,

I'm up late & decided to pop on here.  I don't know if you will find the following helpful, but I thought I would share it just in case it helps.

Dad's sister & I used to talk at least once a month on the phone, often for a couple of hours at a time.  One of the things we often spoke about was her mum, who passed before I was born.  She still missed her mum very much even after many years & found it hard as the few people who had known her mum only saw one side of her & were often critical as she was a quiet, almost shy person apparently, most possibly because she was hearing impaired.

I got to know my grandma through her daughter's eyes & my aunt loved to talk to me about her because firstly I was interested, but also because I had no preconceptions about grandma. The only thing dad ever talked about was grandmas lovely long hair & how he wanted us to emulate her & grow our hair long (didn't happen).  I loved that my aunt didn't just try to paint a rosy picture of grandma, but talked about the whole woman & made her a living person to me.  Including how grandma's mum made grandma feel from when she was little that her deafness was a family embarrassment.

I just wanted to say that you can share about your mum here.  The person you knew, including those little anecdotes we all have of some simple thing that came to mean so much.  As much or as little as you want to share on this public forum.  Lass you don't have to try to deal with your grief & trauma alone. Perhaps you know someone who would be interested to see your mum through your eyes or even just someone you know who has lost someone & you can help each other have a safe place to share & hold onto the person you each knew.  There are also grief counsellors, Grief Australia or BB who may have resources you might find helpful.  

Hugs

Paws

[Paw Prints]

Hello Hanna,

I've seen a promo on the ABC for the fictional series Women in Black which, if the stories match what the promo shows of the attention to detail of the fashions & decor of the times, it might actually be interesting to watch.  Thought you might be interested in it too, I mean to give it a go.

The clear nights are very chilly here, I hope you are still getting some cool weather.  Has kitty taken to the warm bed you got him or is he still ignoring it?

I'm having a crash course in working out when Field Spaniels will be at a dog show as there is no breed club, nor enough of them to have a breed dedicated show.  I want to go to a few shows to meet the breeders & the dogs before I commit to getting one & putting my name down for what could be a longish wait.  They often aren't even listed as a breed even when they will be at a show, as the lists may only say "sporting breeds" or "Group D" or even just "noseworks" or "agility".  I'm a bit annoyed at myself as I discovered too late that they were at the dog show held in the big town I go to.  I completely missed seeing the show was even on, grrrr.  

I hope you are fully over your bug.

Hugs

Paws

[Eagle Ray]

Hello Paws,

That was lovely you were able to talk with your aunt and got to know your grandma that way. It all helps in having a sense of where you come from, learning about family. I can only imagine things would have been a real struggle for your grandma being hearing impaired and at a time when there was less support available for any forms of disability. So often it seems in the past that any kind of disability was a shame issue, and the person themselves was led to feel shameful with the family treating it as something awkward.

I would love to find someone I could share my experience with my mum with and where I could help them too with a loss. I have felt totally in a void. A made a new friend here in town and I've spent many hours listening to her on the phone and in person about her struggles. But one day at a cafe when I began to speak about my mum, she just started texting on her phone before I'd even finished one sentence and I could tell she was totally not present with me. I feel in this total isolation. While I was caring for my dad with advanced Parkinson's and my mum who was going through cancer treatment, I had other losses as well. Three friends took their lives over a three year period. The last two I only started to feel the grief of their deaths last year as I had to compartmentalise to keep going at the time. My life has felt like a series of shocks over the past decade and I've just gone deeper and deeper into dissociative shock. That is on top of other past traumas. I've realised I really have quite severe post traumatic stress from multiple factors that go back to birth and childhood.

I listened to a podcast last night and this morning with Peter Levine on trauma and grief. He has one of the few approaches that reaches me and the kinds of traumas I've experienced. Like me, he has lived with the lifelong fear of annihilation and deeply gets the level of fear I live with. His autobiography was very helpful to me as it was like seeing my own types of experiences and how they might potentially be healed. I at least feel seen and heard when I listen to someone like him speak, because I know he gets it and he has such a deep understanding of the actual physiology involved that is inextricable from the emotions involved. His approach gently titrates between states of contraction and states of expansion as the body slowly emerges out of trauma. At the moment I have refracted back into trauma and I can feel my entire body constricting and I am trying to find enough safety to start expanding a bit again. My instinct right now is to curl up in a tight ball and stay there for as long as possible. I am thinking of trying to drive to a neighbouring town today to try and break up the constriction and walk around and look at different things.

I called Griefline a few months ago and spoke to a nice person. I felt like I had so many different grief issues though and it is hard to really do much in the short call. I did speak to someone at The Blue Knot Foundation the other day and she agreed that EMDR does not seem right for me, that what I'm really trying to do is do the normal, healthy grieving that should have occurred but there has been no space for it. I realise I still have so much grief work to do. My mother's death was like the ultimate shock because I had spent a lifetime trying to heal her. I watched and felt her go through so much emotional pain. My dad, who I worked in a team with caring for mum after her awful medical negligence experiences years ago, is the only other person who really got her I think, in terms of the traumatic impacts in her life. A few other people got her a bit and could see something of her soul, and I cherish those small pieces of understanding.

Hugs,

ER

[Eagle Ray]

Hello Hanna,

I’m just thinking you may find Peter Levine’s autobiography helpful as it sounds like some of the trauma experiences you outlined are similar to what he went through. I know it has helped me see ways to navigate certain traumatic impacts.

I’m in another town now and about to go for a walk that goes through farmland. It’s a bit like those places I’ve heard about in England where walk trails go through farming areas. I’m expecting to see the cows I’ve seen on this walk before and will see if there is any water in the creek from the recent rain.

The fairy wrens are all around me at the moment and they are very chatty.

Hugs,

ER

[Paw Prints]

Hello ER,

Oh lass to lose 3 friends like that especially in such a short space of time, I'm not surprised you haven't been able to take it in & grieve for them yet.  You really have had a tsunami of loss to try to work through, I can understand your body telling you to just curl up & shut the world out as a way of coping.

I most definitely don't want to put you off talking here, but I wonder if your body wanting to shut down now is because we have been talking about your grief/needs every day for a few days.  Perhaps being in the place you are with your grief, you might cope better if you talked about these things one or two days say & then had a couple/few (how ever many works) days where you talked about other things like you photography.  This would help give your body & mind time to process what had been talked about before adding to what you have stirred up within yourself.

With calling the helplines, mental health units, charities or grief organisations, I was thinking along the lines that they may be able to put you in touch with a grief/trauma support group where people meet up either in a group or one on one to support each other. 

I've not heard of Peter Levine, I see you recommended his book to Hanna, I will have to google him.

Hugs

Paws

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Paws,

You are very right. I think it is all a bit much for me to keep talking about. I know Hanna was trying to connect with me about my experience with my mother because of her experience with her mother. When she first mentioned that a few weeks ago and wanted me to share my experiences, my body contracted in reticence because it felt too exposing. Then I did try to talk about it but it was too much for me to go into the dark things and now I think I’ve upset Hanna by asserting a boundary around not being able to be exposed to the dark things. I’ve been trying so hard to heal, and healing for me right now is only working when I go into non-traumatising memories and associations. I know in trauma psychology they talk about the “window of tolerance”, and my window of tolerance in relation to complex ptsd is small. My system can’t take much activation, but this is virtually impossible to explain to people who don’t have the same levels of activation in their nervous system. It’s the very nature of ptsd that you have severe reactions to things that are incidental to others. My daily life is a series of triggers and then trying to figure out how to de-escalate the trigger response. I at least now can recognise when I’m being triggered whereas before I’d just be in it, desperate and dissociated. A little bit of an observer part can now detach to see what’s going on even if my nervous system remains activated for some time.

Peter Levine is very interesting. I found his recent autobiography, An Autobiography of Trauma: A Healing Journey, especially helpful for me. He has had very similar kinds of fears and struggles to me and I felt seen and understood reading his book. His methodology, called Somatic Experiencing, is highly attuned and sensitive to those with trauma because he gets it from the inside out. Early on with my psychologist we used that approach for specific traumas I’ve had and it helped clear them. I still have certain deep complex trauma in my system, so that’s a work in progress, but specific incidents from adult traumas no longer have the hold over me they did. I have two other books of his, In an Uspoken Voice and Trauma & Memory. I found them helpful too. He has another one, Healing Trauma, that I think is a practical guide that I would like to read too.

I did go to a grief support group when still in the city. The person at Griefline said they have online support groups too. I could try that, but I think it’s part of my complex trauma that I get scared of groups too. It’s like I find it really hard to feel safe. Even here I don’t feel safe now because I feel like I upset someone, so my instinct is to withdraw from here as well. I walked alone in a nature and rural setting yesterday because I only find safety completely alone. Only animals and birds feel safe. I end up back in that place again and again where people are too frightening. Thank you for being so thoughtful and supportive Paws. You are such a gentle, kind and insightful person, so you have helped me to feel a bit safer. 

It has just been raining here. I hope maybe you have some rain soon where you are.

Hugs,

ER

[Paw Prints]

Hello ER,

Ok lets take a break from serious stuff & talk about "ships & shoes & candle wax & cabbages & kings" as a famous walrus once said.

It has been surprisingly warm here today & this afternoon we had "rumble in the jungle" (you might not be old enough to get that) between all the birds wanting to use my birdbath.   I don't know if it was FOMO or what, but they all decided they wanted to use it at the same time.  The fairy wrens were ganging up on the honeyeater & the willy wagtail, though the honeyeater stood it's ground, and the wrens were even chasing each other away.  It was the first time I've seen the honeyeater actually bathe in it, every other time it has only used it to drink.  But in the end, of all the fairy wrens busy chasing everyone else away, only 2 of them bothered to use it.    

I went to the General Store in the nearby village last Monday & a young lad about 7 or 8 held the plastic fly thingies for his mum to go out & then stood there in anticipation holding them for me.  The smile on his face when I thanked him was utterly adorable & his mum gave me a smile over the top of her car clearly to thank me for making his day.  It is one of the lovely things I've noticed since moving here, the people of all ages are far more friendly & helpful than where I used to live.  

A story on the ABC news site this morning said that southern WA got some good rain yesterday into overnight, I hope you saw some of it down your way & that it was steady enough that it could soak in rather than just run off.  I'm guessing if you managed a walk today you would have seen many more critters taking advantage of the wet.  

I must admit I am missing your & LRC's antics on a certain iceberg.  I hope she is back one day & the two of you can continue your mischief or maybe you will find a new partner in mayhem to play with.

Hugs

Paws

[Eagle Ray]

Hello Paws,

Yes, light stuff sounds good. I had to look up "rumble in the jumble" which, if it's the same thing you are referring to, seems to be a famous boxing match. It occurred the year before I was born so I wasn't familiar with it, though I have heard of the boxers. Bird baths can indeed be a hive of activity. Your fairy wrens do sound feisty. I had a couple of splendid fairy wrens dashing about my garden this morning. The males have definitely lost their breeding plumage colours now.

It has actually been cold here today and yesterday. My neighbour was saying yesterday that we didn't have an autumn at all which is so true. It was just a very, very long summer then suddenly winter. Last night I felt cold for the first time in a very long time. We have had some good rain now too. And ,yes, I have noticed the birds in particular being more lively after some rain, but I've also been pleased to see some bandicoot activity as well. The bush was getting very quiet there for a while but a bit of life is coming back.

That's a lovely story about the young lad. Those beautiful interactions really can make your day and someone else's too. Such small things can mean so much. I often feel like the meaning of life exists in those small interactions. When I moved here two years ago I had only previously lived in the city. Here people wave to one another if walking along or driving past in their car. It is common practice to acknowledge one another. But I find in the city when I visit there, I really notice now the lack of these kinds of interactions. It's like you are seen as a bit weird for trying to acknowledge and say hello to someone.

Your story about the young lad reminded me of a recent visit to my local fish shop. The son of the lady there, about 4 or 5 years old, was getting tired and grizzly. So his mum gave him a job to do. When it was time to pay for the fish, she lifted him up so he could scan the bar codes with the scanner. I gave him words of encouragement about what a good shopkeeper he is. He looked happy again, distracted from his tiredness and feeling like he did a good job.

I do miss getting up to mischief with LRC. Yes, hopefully she may be back one day but always happy to get up to hijinks there if anyone else is into mischief.

I'm about to head out for a walk now in the bushland across the road. It's about an hour from sunset here. Wishing you a lovely evening Paws.

Hugs,

ER

[Ggrand]

Hello Dear Paws, Eagle Ray, Hanna and everyone……🤗..

I read more here then I talk, I’m sorry about that, I think I have trouble with shyness of what to say, but Paws, you’re so lucky to have a little honey eater in your garden…I have the tiny fairy wrens, sparrows, willy wagtails, living close by, they enjoy playing in the bottle brush on my fence line…they are so cute….Then of course the bigger birds Galahs, Cockatoos, Magpies, King Parrots, Rosellas and a lot more I don’t know the names of….just sitting outside and watching them is better then any show on TV…I have and still have the flu it’s been over a week since it struck me down….now at least the last 2 days I’ve been able to get out of bed and watch those birds…

I went for a walk around my backyard this morning and felt like a mozzie bit my ankle…oh wow when I looked at my shoes…they looked like I had an ant shoe on…it was absolutely covered in ants 😂and so was my socks….as drained as I felt I done a crazy dance back onto my veranda and kicked my shoes and socks off….my dogs thought I was playing some sort of game and my rescue dog ran off with my socks and the little ones chased her, playing tug of war with them…🙃..

It’s  so nice that little boy done that for you, how sweet and praising/thanking him has given him the self confidence to do it for others…..as well as a good feeling about helping you…

Eagle Ray, not wanting to disrespect Paws wish to go light….my physiologist told me if I get triggered by sight, then find something pleasant to look at asap, if I’m triggered by words, find something happy to listen to asap etc….it does help sometimes but not all the time….🤗..

We are expecting around 20 mils of rain tomorrow, I’m looking forward to that…rain is so soothing for me…I feel safe when it rain…Gee I rambled on a bit, 

Hoping and wishing you all a good night tonight and a better day for tomorrow..

Hugs, love and care dear friends..🤗❤️🌈.

Grandy..

[Paw Prints]

Hello ER & Grandy,

Sorry I haven't replied before now, I've been sleeping through the last couple of days as I tried to make sure I won't be tired tonight driving home after being at a friend's birthday do.  

ER did you say Bandicoots!!!  How wonderful for you to have them nearby, I've never seen one other than on the tv.  Do you actually see them or just the signs they are out & about.  

Yes "rumble in the jungle" was the name given a famous boxing match, I would never watch a boxing match, but using that name worked it's way into my generations cultural shorthand.  I find it interesting how some phrases, quotes, movie or book references continue through the generations & others remain locked within just one.  We all seem to know Shakespeare or bible quotes even if we don't know that is where the quote originated.

Oh Grandy lass you poor thing.  Having the flu is just horrible & the last thing you need on top of everything else.  I saw on your thread that you will be getting another steroid shot I hope that is soon for you, though getting the op done soon on that shoulder would be better.  I really don't understand why they couldn't just keep the op date you had & just get your specialist to confirm the change to the shoulder you need done first.  

I agree sitting watching the birds & other critters is far better than anything on TV.  I would love to have night vision so I could watch all the nocturnal animals here.  I know I have micro bats as I've seen them roosting during the day, but I don't know what else there might be out there.  

ER how lovely that you thought to praise that little boy, I'm sure his mum must have appreciated it, over tired, grizzly kids are a nightmare at the best of times.  

Yes everyone around here acknowledges everyone else here, including the little wave as you drive past each other.  It is one of the things I like about living here. It reminds me of when I was little & everyone knew everyone else in the area & the adults all knew who your parents were even if they didn't know your name.  Most people around here refer to me as the Great Dane lady, because Woofa always came with me when I went to the General Store.  He was very popular with people wanting to pat him & he loved all the attention. 

Hugs

Paws