Staying/Getting/Doing Well – Moving goalposts or fixed target?

[Paw Prints]

Hi, this is my first post, though I have been reading the forums for some weeks. I’m probably expressing myself badly when I say that I have found reading about other people’s journeys reassuring. Finding a community of people who “get it” even when they have a wide variety of experiences and lives lived is not something I thought I would ever find.

Though people talk about getting well & there is a section Staying Well, I’m curious as to what this actually means to other people and how they manage their expectations. I noticed some people refer to being well as ‘being like themselves before they got ill’, whilst others don’t express an exact aim.

My idea of being well has changed over the years. I was first diagnosed as an 8 year old child back in the late sixties. The doctors told Mum that the voices in my head & the sudden crying bouts were because I suffered from ‘nerves’ & I was given meds to calm me. Of course such things were not discussed back then & I was told not to talk about it to anyone, not my school friends nor siblings, just Mum. For decades after my idea of being well simply meant being able to hide my illness from others.

A number of events in my life caused my illness to worsen, until some years ago I became so ill I needed to be hospitalised for my own safety. This lead to my current diagnosis of Major Depression, Anxiety & PTSD. I’m no longer in that dark place, but each day is still a battle (though I can now believe in a future). For now only my siblings & one friend know about my illness, though some things they still don’t know.
So, what does ‘being well’ mean to me, it is ever moving goalposts. If you had asked me 5 years ago would I be as well as I am now I would have thought it impossible as I couldn’t envision a future. If you had asked me last week (during one of my down periods) I would have said my progress was all an illusion & I was fooling myself that things can get better.
For now my idea of being well is being able to believe that things can change for the better, that I will one day be able to manage the everyday things like housework, caring for myself & caring for my dog & maybe, just maybe I will even be able to enjoy myself.

Paw Prints
**I took the tip to give myself time to write my post by writing on a word doc & then paste it.

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Paws and Hanna,

Paws, I loved reading about Woofa watching the horses and playing with the cows. It created delightful images in my mind. Interspecies interactions are so interesting. My prior landlords told me how they took their two dogs to a farm stay where you can bring pets. One of the dogs, the braver of the two, curiously approached a donkey in a paddock. They showed some interest in one another. Then the other dog came to have a look. The donkey suddenly let out an almighty “Hee-haw!” and both dogs totally freaked and ran away fast with their tails between their legs. My landlords said it was an amusing scene. They had probably never seen anything like a donkey before being city dogs.

Hanna, yes, Michael Palin seems interested in a number of things and has had the good fortune of being able to travel the world with his various TV series. I’ve watched some of Joanna Lumley’s travel programs and really enjoyed them. They both seem like nice people. I find it interesting I could recognise Michael Palin as I often have difficulty with face recognition. I suspect this has something to do with a lack of attunement in childhood and so faces have always felt a bit unsafe to me. But I’ve seen a few well known people I’ve easily recognised and I figure it’s because I’ve been able to easily see their face on TV which is like a non-threatening interaction, thus my brain can encode their face to memory. Whereas in real life human interactions I can often not recognise someone I’ve met several times and spent considerable time with. It’s quite embarrassing at times. I think it may be a mild form of what’s called prosopagnosia. Apparently Jane Goodall has that, Oliver Sacks had it and Brad Pitt has identified himself as having it. Sometimes I’ll have a vague sense I know the person but cannot be sure. This has even happened with my neighbour when seen out of context 🙈 So embarrassing!

It’s wonderful you get so much enjoyment from what you find at op shops Hanna. It’s like a treasure hunt isn’t it. For quite a few years I had an op shop addiction and found it almost impossible to go past one without going inside to look at what’s there. I figure of all the addictions I could have, it’s one of the healthier ones. I think I’m now probably addicted to photography. I think all these things give the dopamine in our brain a boost. Yes, Tassie would have been wonderful for seeing the Aurora.

I’m sorry you are still getting the dizzy spells Hanna. It will be good just to get it checked out with your nice GP. I am feeling better. I’m about to do my pile of dishes and then make the orange cake I’ve been planning to do. It is a bright, sunny day here with a cool breeze but not at all cold.

Wishing you both a lovely afternoon and evening.

Hugs,

ER

[Paw Prints]

Hello Hanna & ER,

Hanna I hope your Drs appointment goes well & he can pin down why you feel so crook.  It must be so tiring & dispiriting given how long you have felt like this.

The little radiant heater sounds perfect to sit in front of with the colder nights coming.  I went to get milk about 6pm tonight & the moon had an ice halo in all the colours of the rainbow.  (I took some pics it looked so pretty)  By the time I got back home the moon was higher & the effect had passed, but now I expect a hard frost tonight. 

The days are mild & dry here as the cold fronts are slipping past to the south.  ER I'm guessing you are finding the same in southern WA.  It seems to be a new Autumn weather pattern that has emerged over the last few years & it is definitely causing the rainfall shortage around these parts.  

ER I saw on the Cafe thread that you made the orange cake & were planning on making a lemon cheesecake.  I will pass on anything orange, but I love lemon cheesecake & am now fully expecting you to bring one in to the cafe for me (I mean us all) to enjoy.  

I'm not often drawn to beauty in humans.  I find it much more mesmerising in nature, especially the way the changing light over a day or season can turn a simple view point into something utterly breathtaking.  Even in the small things like a moss garden on top of a post or dew on a spiders web & I enjoy looking for those things that may not be obvious at first glance.  One of the loveliest sights here are when I'm lucky enough to see the pair of local wedge tail eagles circling in the thermal updrafts in the mornings as the air warms.  They just soar in gentle loops with the very occasional wing flap as the warming air lifts them.  I could watch them for hours.

Hugs

Paws

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Paws and Hanna,

Paws, I love your description of the colourful ice halo around the moon. Those ephemeral moments are quite magical. I’m glad you got some pics.

Yes, apart from a bit of rain recently it is mild and dry here too. But that bit of rain has made a noticeable difference to the birds who are more active and enjoying the bit of moisture in the landscape. I’ve just been listening to the possum do the usual early morning galavanting on the roof. I’ve been awake since 4:30am and it’s almost 5:30 now. I will get up shortly and have brekkie.

Yes, I was very happy with my orange and chia seed cake. It came out light and fluffy. I will have to get on with that lemon cheesecake and bring it to the BB Cafe soon.

I really love your description of the beauty of the moss garden on the post or dew on a spider’s web. There is a forest walk about a ten minute drive from here and there’s a fascinating moss garden on a fallen log there. It would most likely have dried up completely in recent months but I expect is starting to come back to life with the recent rain, as I’ve noticed mosses coming up already around this unit complex. The moss garden on the log has spore like structures as well as velvet green moss. I imagine being on it as a tiny creature and it would be an adventurous moss forest.

I love that you have two wedge tailed eagles and I agree how peaceful and mesmerising it is to watch them glide. Last year I was on a country backroad and two majestic wedge tailed eagles flew across the front of my car quite close. It was stunning to see. The funny thing was they were being chased by a raven 😂 The raven was so much smaller than them but seemed to be the boss! 

Hanna, I hope you have a helpful visit with your GP today. It is great you have a nice GP. It makes a difference with medical encounters.

Wishing you both a lovely day today.

Hugs,

ER

[Hanna3]

Hi Paws and ER

I got delayed today and am only just home - the GP was running late and then I had a flu shot booked and they were running way behind... so I am late getting home and it is hot here!  It seems to go like this before a weather change, I am hoping for the cool change they forecast in the early hours of tomorrow.  GP's not sure what 's with me until I get some blood tests done - could be a virus.  '

Paws I think the beauty and awe is wherever you find it - the things you mention like the spider's web I would certainly concur with you!  I was thinking of when I drove out of the inland town I lived in once when there had been a massive fall of snow - the tiny local primary school had lets the children out to play in it and they were laughing and giggling and throwing snowballs at each other and I stopped to watch, it was such a lovely sight and something you don't see often anymore with the climate heating up.  The eagles sound wonderful and I can picture them circling around barely dipping a wing occasionally.

ER that's interesting about the difficulty you have with face recognition, I've had that for as long as I can remember but it doesn't seem to fully fit the criteria for full-one face blindness.  Like you I will run into someone whose face is familiar yet I can't place them and it's been terribly embarrassing - I would meet people at the dog park and the next day I wouldn't remember their name yet again and would always have to keep asking them to repeat it - I once asked a counsellor about it as I got into terrible trouble as a child when I had this problem - I simply couldn't remember people's names to match with their faces and even after asking them I wouldn't remember it a moment later.  He said he doubted I was hearing the names at all when people said them, that i was dissociating - because my mother would go into such a rage if I got the names wrong or couldn't remember them and I was so terrified my mind just shut down.  So I suspect this is what I am still doing - they might say their name but I instantly blank it out.  When I did some nursing I was very glad of the patient's name above the bed each time as it meant I didn't have to remember who the patient was all the time!

We have a weather warning out for strong cold winds in the early hours of tomorrow morning I'm quite looking forward to it.  Last night I had a long chat with a friend back in the central west, she's having a bad time and her father is sick - she said she'd been trying to write me a long-hand letter - so we are going to have a long phone talk over the weekend.  It's lovely to talk with her always, she's an old friend, a nurse at the hospital the

I was passing a shop this afternoon when a couple of the ladies working there came out onto the pavement and were madly trying to flag down a driver pulling his car out to leave.  Turned out he had a baby with him and had put the baby into the capsule in the car and taken off without the pram which was left on the footpath!  Oh dear.  As the women said, he will realize when he gets to where he's going that the pram ain't there!  Oh dear, I hope he didn't have far to go!

Today seems to have vanished and I don't have much to show for it - lots of waiting around and one flu shot!  Poor kitty gets anxious when I am out for a long time and when I get home I notice he goes under the sofa and sleeps for a couple of hours - I think it's all anxiety as he doesn't do this when I am home all day with him.  Little Sam used to get distressed too, I didn't expect it in a cat but obviously I was wrong.  Missy the poodle is still terrorizing him daily!

ER I've watched Joanna Lumley's series too, she has a glamorous life!  They both seem like very pleasant people and they come across well on camera, which is a real gift.  I haven't seen the movie A Fish Called Wanda for ages, but I remember how good Michael Palin was in that - I remember he had a bad stammer poor guy.  John Cleese was fantastic in that movie as well!  Now I've mentioned it, I wish I had it to watch tonight

Well I am off to get myself and kitty some dinner,, it's finally getting cooler now as I write this.  Paws the little radiant heater feels lovely, I tried it on just one bar and it's a lovely warmth - I purchased it mainly for kitty, so he can lie on the carpet in front of it and get himself properly warm in the evenings.  I remember when I was growing up we had one and our Golden Labrador used to push his way in so he could lie right in front of it and was so close his fur would feel hot - but apparently he loved it!  I'll have to make sure kitty doesn't scorch himself!

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Hanna and Paws,

Hanna, it’s good you have had the blood test and your GP is looking into it. I have  both heard of and also experienced a virus that has affected the ears and therefore has affected balance and created dizziness, so it could be something like that. I remember once myself and my neighbour both getting what seemed to be the same virus around the same time and having dizzy spells.

Yes, Joanna Lumley does indeed have a glamorous life travelling to so many destinations. You can see she cares about the people she meets and I’ve seen her cry in a few episodes when confronted with human beings living with profound struggle. One of the most confronting places was Haiti with the high crime, poverty and struggles faced by young people trying to have hope about their lives. I still, after all these years, have never seen A Fish Called Wanda. I will have to look out for it. I think maybe I saw a few minutes of it on TV but never got to see the whole thing.

It makes complete sense what you describe about the dissociation as a child, your mother’s rage and not remembering names. I dissociated a great deal myself and my parents were dissociated from me and both had volatile rage. So I didn’t even dare look at faces or associate them with anything to do with human connection or safety. Quite the opposite. So I think the lack of attunement combined with dissociation meant both recognising faces and remember names was not easy. Only yesterday I saw the lovely receptionist from the local GP practice in the street. It’s the second time I’ve seen her outside of her workplace and haven’t recognised her when she’s said hello to me. But after a little bit I realised who she was. I have to work really, really hard though and try to piece it together, trying to remember them by the sound of their voice.

Your description of kitty by the heater reminded me of when I was housesitting looking after a very elderly cat. It was a very cold winter and I remember doing some yoga stretches in front of the heater and he would join me doing his stretches. We would both then just lie next to the heater to keep warm. It was really nice doing yoga with a cat. He had lost his hearing and had the most torturous sounding meow that he would wake me up with about 5am. He couldn’t hear himself and how loud he was. He was a lovely character.

Paws, I hope you are keeping warm at night where you are. It does sound chilly with the frost. As I’m in a coastal spot frost is a very rare thing here. Towns further north are warmer in the summer but also get the frosts on some winter nights. Here the ocean and river are moderating factors on the climate. I do like to travel inland and experience frosts sometimes. There is really something special about a frosty morning. It truly wakes you up and makes you feel alive! One day I want to capture a wild animal photo silhouetted at sunrise on a frosty morning where you can see the breath of the animal in the air. I have seen some stunning wildlife photos like that. We do get some morning fogs here and those are wonderful for atmospheric photography.

I hope you are both having a peaceful evening, and kitty of course too.

Hugs,

ER

[Hanna3]

Hi ER and Paws and all here

I am loving the weather today!  This is my kind of weather - wind almost a gale force, bouts of rain interspersed with pale sunlight, bitterly cold temperatures for this area - hooray!  I love it!  Took myself for a nice walk and watched the sea looking all choppy - now home and have just had a nice hot cup of noodle soup, perfect!  I honestly feel like a different person in this weather - it's no use, a hot humid climate just isn't working for me.  It's the sort of weather today that makes me think it must be snowing somewhere - I checked the temperature where I used to live and it's at about 3 degrees there.  I wish this weather would last at least a week...

I purchased the door seals that you put all around the door frame a while back and put these on and bought a good draft stopper for the bottom of the doors, and they are making such a difference to the cold in the living room.

ER I remember running into a woman ages ago who clearly knew me, asked all sorts of questions and chatted on with me pleasantly, and to this day I have no idea who she was - I knew her face from somewhere but for the life of me could not work out where I had ever met her.  It's so disconcerting to have this problem. It sounds like it's from an anxiety we both suffered from volatile parent(s); I wish parents would think about the effects on their children of their behaviour.  I got into worse and worse trouble when I couldn't remember someone's name and that just made the problem get worse and worse - same with maths, I wasn't good at maths and the more I didn't do well, the more my mother screamed at me, until I was terrified at the very thought of a maths test and did badly as a result - all my other subjects I did well at, but she focused on this one and compounded the problem.  In those days there was nobody you could talk to about what was going on at home and none of my teachers ever enquired as to why I was so shy and quiet and anxious.  

I think my mother had major MH problems - I remember one time at the beach when her screaming (I don't remember what about) got so out of control our father sent us to walk further away down the beach and wait while he got her under control again.  It's frightening and confusing for kids.  I didn't realize until I talked with my 95 year old friend about her (she lived opposite us when I was a kid) - she explained how my mother was obviously envious of anything I did well and of my father paying me any attention - so she ignored anything I did well and when I did badly at a maths test, that was her opportunity to go at me.  I honestly hadn't realized but looking back she is right.  My mother hated it when I did well at a subject - but was enraged when i did poorly.  It was a no-win situation for me.  I wonder if this has any relevance to your situation ER?

All the neighbours are tucked inside their units today but I enjoyed going out for a walk - with a cool wind in my face.  Little Sam would have been running around like a crazy thing in this, windy cool days made him go hyper with energy. 

It must be wonderful to be these people like Palin and Lumley and travel the world as part of your job - they do it so well.  I still love the old Monty Python skits on Utube - and the Fawlty Towers ones - I remember they stayed at a hotel where the hotel manager hated his guests and he hated being a hotel manager and having to wait on these people and the Python crew based the Fawlty Towers series on that man.  

Well I'm going to have a nice hot cuppa and relax in front of a movie for a while- I have The Social Network and/or Chocolat to watch later.  

Paws I wonder if you are getting this wild weather down your way?  It must be cold!  Do you get snow where you are at all?

[Eagle Ray]

Hi dear Hanna and Paws,

I am so glad you are really enjoying the weather Hanna. It does sound like moving to a less humid, cooler location would really suit you. I think how our bodies respond tells us a lot. I know people who absolutely love the wet tropics and seem to thrive in that weather, whereas I prefer and feel better in non-humid weather.

Much of what you describe of your childhood experience resonates with my own experience Hanna. I'm so sorry you had that abusive treatment. I too was a shy, quiet and anxious child. One person, my guitar teacher, did notice I really wasn't quite ok when I was 13 and asked me if everything was ok at home, and of course I said yes. I think when you are a kid you take whatever happens at home as normal as you don't really know any different. But also it would seem scary to tell someone that things might not be ok.

I think jealousy can be a factor in poor treatment by a parent. My mother seemed to get quite morose if I expressed any kind of joy or happiness. This bad mood in her could then escalate into full blown rage at me. But her mother did the same to her and said very nasty things to her that indicated high levels of jealousy and an attempt to destroy any sense of self-worth in my mother. My mother was also physically abused by her mother in random attacks and at other times given the silent treatment. When my brother and I were small mum took us to stay with her mother for a week in another city, during which her mother decided not to speak to her the whole time. So each day my mum had to take us out somewhere without our grandmother coming with us. I remember going to the zoo. I also remember my grandmother's cold energy back at the house. My mother destroyed my childhood stuffed toys which was an attempt to destroy anything that might be of comfort or value to me. My dad also smashed things of mine and was prone to sudden bouts of screaming and hitting, for no reason other than to take his rage out on someone who couldn't fight back. But both my parents carried a lot of trauma which does not excuse their behaviour but goes a long way to explaining it. My mother was particularly split into two people. Sometimes she could actually be incredibly kind and sensitive, so I never quite knew which mother I was going to get. She described her mother as being like this, as a Jekyll and Hyde character. My dad was pretty consistently dark and rageful until I got to my early twenties and he began to mellow and become a kinder presence in my life. But it has left me with profound confusion with regard to how to relate to people in that I am always, even now, expecting even those people I generally trust to potentially be harmful in some way. 

What you describe of your mother screaming in public I can very much relate to. Both of my parents did this. My dad would wind down the window of the car to scream at some teenagers he thought were walking on the wrong side of the road. This was a common trigger for him to scream at random strangers. Another time he got into a screaming match with a woman he thought was parking in the wrong place. On several occasions I had to intervene when my mum got into a conflict with a shop assistant or cafe worker to calm the situation down. This even happened with my mother just weeks before she died. Neither of my parents could emotionally self-regulate. The underlying issue in both cases was definitely untreated severe complex trauma.

So I can only think Hanna that perhaps your mother had some profound level of trauma in herself that was out of control. I think when like this people can split so that they are blinded by rage and intense emotion. It can sometimes help to realise this, that they are a very mentally unwell person. Their attacks can feel so personal, and as a child it is impossible to take it any other way, especially from a parent who we depend upon for survival. But looking back I can see how broken and messed up my parents were, and even when much younger I think I already realised this. I have fully forgiven and let go of everything done to me but I still have the impacts in my nervous system that affect my relationship with the world, and it is those things I am still trying to heal.

Hugs,

ER

[Hanna3]

Hi ER and Paws and all here

I am multitasking here tonight with the comforting sound of the wind howling outside!  I do love a chilly, windy, rainy winter evening at home.  This is definitely my kind of weather!  Puss is already fast asleep on a blanket on top of the armchair & I've been Googling and watching Chocolat at the same time. Internet reception is not good here tonight - I live at the bottom of a large mountain and it's notoriously bad here for wifi as a result.

Gosh you had both parents being screamers ER.  My mother was one and my father was her enabler and did anything to keep the peace with her.  I know of the trauma she had in her background, but it's still terrible the way it was then passed on to the children.  Her brother died in a terrible way and her father was alcoholic after WW1.  She grew up poor and intellectually frustrated, so she was incredibly jealous of any attention I got from my father and as she was a talented woman she resented any of my academic or artistic achievements and belittled them constantly.  You sound like you had a similar setup and it's terrible for the kids.  The trouble is that as children we didn't understand why our parents were this way and we blame ourselves.  The book I mentioned previously was very good at explaining this and it helped me to read other people's accounts of similar parenting.  It sounds like your parents were unhappy people - I'm sure mine were not happy, you can't be if you are constantly angry and yelling.  I also never received any comfort from either parent.  Both my older brothers are very damaged, clever men.  We children were all attracted to art, music, reading and the type of abusive parenting we had was terrible for sensitive kids.

I look back now with regret at lost opportunities but with greater understanding, and I figure I have managed to live alone pretty successfully since quite young, my mother having died when I was young and my father not long afterwards  I was then forced out of home by my brothers who wanted the estate and I had to live independently.'

I have lived in some wonderful places and in a way being single means I can be quite selfish, I don't have to consider anyone else and can move house if I want to (a bit tricky with publc housing but can be done) and have been to some wonderful places and had wonderful friendships along the way.  I am sure you can look at what you have achieved and realize you have triumphed against the adversity you grew up with, even if you haven't reached a perfect-for-you outcome yet.  I remember being out driving one day and gazing at the hills out west of this state where I lived and being amazed that here I was, driving through miles of empty, gorgeous rolling hills and mountains, it was wonderful and exhilerating.

For me it's helped to read a few books, talk to my 05 year old wise friend, and finally realize none of what went on at home was my fault, that both my parents had problems and my mother needed psychiatirc help.  I let myself grieve over what was and what could have been and then I know I have to grab at life because it's so precious.

[Hanna3]

Hi ER, the post I just wrote might take a bit of time getting through.  I think if you could get hold of a copy of that book I mentioned about Mothers Who Can't Love you would get a lot out of it, she describes people's experiences and many sounded similar to yours.  I found it helpful just to know other people had mothers like mine or even worse!  I honestly do think if you could find the book I for Isobel by Amy Witting you would get a lot out of it as the writer grew up with this kind of mother and she describes the sort of upbringing I had and that she had in perfect detail.  I didn't know that when I found the book in a library once and when I was reading it I realized I had finally found someone who had a mother like mine!  It's a short novel but revelatory.

Sending hugs and best wishes from here - happy to talk more about our respective mums etc - it has really helped me to read a couple of books and sort through the memories and try to understand what was really going on in my family.

Yes lovely wet windy cold weather here, I absolutely love it!  Nearly everyone here hates the cold and loves the heat - I'm the total opposite and definitely in the wrong part of the country!  The advantage of being single is I can move without having to worry about kids/grandkids objecting - I can be totally selfish!

[Paw Prints]

Hello ER & Hanna,

I can't imagine growing up with such damaged parents as you both did. I'm so sorry you both had to try & deal with that as little ones.  I at least knew both my parents loved me & only wanted the best for me even if their parenting skills were better suited to a century earlier & very harsh.  The old "spare the rod, spoil the child" philosophy & "children should be seen but not heard" were some of the old school parenting techniques used in our house.  Of course Dad's drinking was an issue, most of the time it was ok, but it could make him go ballistic about the smallest thing without warning.  It also meant that mum had to make a little go a long way & so we didn't have many of the things others took for granted like a telephone or a car & even a tv, as when we did have one it was rented.

It was hard being raised & dressed in a style that belonged to an earlier time & being teased at school unmercifully for it.  Plus having parents the same age as the other kids grandparents.  Not being allowed to go & play with the other kids after school through my primary school years as I had to learn how to "keep house", means I don't have all the social skills others got just through being around each other.  It got harder when mum died when I was 12 & I had to keep house for real, plus dad became over-protective.  I missed out on the teenage years that the other kids at school had, Dad wouldn't let me have a social life as he said I didn't have time for it with running the house, caring for my siblings & going to school.  So I have remained a quiet, almost withdrawn type all through my life.  It is hard to break the "seen, but not heard" behaviour when it was so thoroughly drummed into me, as has the lesson that what I want is unimportant I must put other's wants & needs first.

Thankfully by the time I was in my 20s dad started to really mellow & despite the drink, the last decade of his life was one where he & I got on very well.  Which is why I was the one who stayed at home & cared for him & then as his health deteriorated nursed him.

Hanna I'm not a fan of gale force winds (despite getting so many here), but it does sound like you are getting wonderful weather for walking on the beach.  I admit I know next to nothing about cats, but I am surprised kitty is showing signs of anxiety from you being away from home. I've always thought cats were more independent.

Paws