Staying/Getting/Doing Well – Moving goalposts or fixed target?

[Paw Prints]

Hi, this is my first post, though I have been reading the forums for some weeks. I’m probably expressing myself badly when I say that I have found reading about other people’s journeys reassuring. Finding a community of people who “get it” even when they have a wide variety of experiences and lives lived is not something I thought I would ever find.

Though people talk about getting well & there is a section Staying Well, I’m curious as to what this actually means to other people and how they manage their expectations. I noticed some people refer to being well as ‘being like themselves before they got ill’, whilst others don’t express an exact aim.

My idea of being well has changed over the years. I was first diagnosed as an 8 year old child back in the late sixties. The doctors told Mum that the voices in my head & the sudden crying bouts were because I suffered from ‘nerves’ & I was given meds to calm me. Of course such things were not discussed back then & I was told not to talk about it to anyone, not my school friends nor siblings, just Mum. For decades after my idea of being well simply meant being able to hide my illness from others.

A number of events in my life caused my illness to worsen, until some years ago I became so ill I needed to be hospitalised for my own safety. This lead to my current diagnosis of Major Depression, Anxiety & PTSD. I’m no longer in that dark place, but each day is still a battle (though I can now believe in a future). For now only my siblings & one friend know about my illness, though some things they still don’t know.
So, what does ‘being well’ mean to me, it is ever moving goalposts. If you had asked me 5 years ago would I be as well as I am now I would have thought it impossible as I couldn’t envision a future. If you had asked me last week (during one of my down periods) I would have said my progress was all an illusion & I was fooling myself that things can get better.
For now my idea of being well is being able to believe that things can change for the better, that I will one day be able to manage the everyday things like housework, caring for myself & caring for my dog & maybe, just maybe I will even be able to enjoy myself.

Paw Prints
**I took the tip to give myself time to write my post by writing on a word doc & then paste it.

[Paw Prints]

Hello ER,

I'm sure the people who wrote the assembly instructions must have been having a bad day & decided to share their bad day in perpetuity to everyone else by making the instructions as uninstructive as possible.   I have finally... after trying, getting mad, walking away... repeat this over & over... managed to get the blade safety guard attached.  I suddenly had the idea to ignore the instructions which said one thing & use the photo on the side of the box which showed something different... 5 minutes later... all was good in my world again... it was attached & looked just like the photo.  Mind you I'm still trying to decipher how the "quick release" for the harness actually works.  All the instructions say is "make sure you know how to use it before using the brush cutter"...  it looks like a red plastic bit with arrows on it should move, but I can't get it to do anything.  I'm going to see if I can find something online which shows how it works.  I'm thinking you may be right that I am finding this difficult because I'm struggling emotionally.

Thank you for the mother hen clucks...  yes I have safety equipment & I've read & will re-read before using, all the how to use safely info.  I have always been super careful when using any machinery.  

I remembered earlier that I am meant to be going to Melbourne for lunch on Sunday.  It looks like I may have to buy enough water to be able to wash my hair & have a sponge bath, or I might do down early & visit my little sister to freeload a shower at her place.  Actually freeloading a shower is the winning option when I think about it.🚿🛁

Your walk sounds lovely.  The light coming through forest foliage can change the atmosphere completely depending on the time of day.  You must have timed your walk perfectly.  

I'm so glad you are feeling a positive energy when you take decisions that are right for you.

Hugs

Paws

[Eagle Ray]

Hello Paws,

Those instructions sound truly mind distorting 😕 However, it does sound like you are making progress through perseverance. Many a time I have resorted to a video on YouTube which has demonstrated how to do something. I can pause and go back over it as many times as I need. However, I know you can have difficulty playing YouTube clips on your computer so I don't know if that would be more helpful or frustrating. It's like you are getting there step by step.

The shower at your sister's sounds like a great idea. It will probably feel like the best shower ever. I remember having a shower after a camping trip in the last year of high school. It felt like the best shower I had ever had.

I think I am going to get fish and chips tonight - too tired to cook. I did not sleep until 6am because of major insomnia. Then I had fragmented sleep until 10:30am. I know it is a perimenopausal thing - low oestrogen = low serotonin = low melatonin. If I do take the sleep hormone I do sleep better but I have a headache and drowsy effect the next day. If I don't take it I have a different kind of drowsy which is like the sleep deprivation of jet lag. I am visiting friends in a town an hour away tomorrow so I will definitely take the med tonight otherwise it will be so hard to function tomorrow. I did try a podcast last night and usually they help. This one put me into an alpha state but as soon as it ended I fully woke up again.

I am thinking maybe you can get some support with the water situation from your younger sister. Or at least return from Melbourne with some containers of water. You could buy a large water container with a dispensing tap perhaps. It will be nice to have lunch with people anyway.

Take good care Paws and sending big hugs 🤗

ER

[Paw Prints]

Hello ER,

Well I rang my sister & asked if I could shower at hers on Sunday & she said it was fine, so one less worry. I will buy some larger containers of water while I'm down that way.

I did a bit more cutting away the blackberry brambles, but I did it without gloves & weirdly the ring finger on my left hand was the only part of my hands I couldn't keep from being attacked by the thorns.  It now resembles a pin cushion.  I must say doing this is showing up just how unfit I am.  I'm managing only about 5 minutes at a time, before I find myself struggling to stand or walk & then I need to sit for ages until the pain in my hips & back eases off.  It is frustrating, but I can't give up & I keep telling myself it is good for me physically long term. At least I hope it will be.  Tomorrow is expected to be in the high 30s so I won't be doing anything outside.

Fish & chips sounds yum... now you have me craving some.  Lass I hope the sleep med helped & you woke feeling more refreshed & ready for the drive this morning.  With the headache it can cause, do otc meds help at all in clearing at least the worst of it.  I worry about you driving with a headache as even just an hours drive could make it even worse.  I hope despite this you did have a nice relaxing visit.

Update on the brush cutter saga:....  this is becoming reminiscent of a tv soap drama as by the end of each days episode new issues come to light confounding any rationality....

In todays episode:   Paws is seen struggling to get the handle attached.... shock revelation!!  trying to connect the handle reveals that the top half of the shaft was connected upside down... da ta da!!!!  (not that any indication was given in the instructions that it mattered which way round it went)...  So it now has to be released & reattached with much mutterings...  meanwhile in attaching the handle news.... no that will be revealed in tomorrows show.....  pan out to glimpses of fallen washers & screws littering the floor & rolling away... with the sound of hair tearing & teeth grinding.  😰😰😧😭🤣

Hugs

Paws

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Paws,

It does sound painstaking removing the brambles and the brush cutter saga as well. Another thing that occurred to me was I wondered if there’s a local men’s shed in the area and there would be either someone there who could do it for you or they may know of someone in the area who could. You may prefer someone who is in business and has public liability insurance. But a gardener would be able to go in and clear the vegetation relatively quickly I would think. I’m just worried about you not having water for an extended period, especially as the weather heats up too. Often tradespeople will respond quickly if it’s a more critical situation such as having no water supply. The handymen in my town are often booked up, but one of them fitted me into his tight schedule when my hot water storage tank was at risk of collapse when a bolt rusted through. He was there the next day and fixed it. I’d also rung the local plumbing business and they called back to make sure things were ok and I was able to advise the handyman had fixed it. Given it may be a plumbing issue, you could even call a plumber and explain the situation and they may know of someone who can come and do the clearing first or may even be able to do a basic job to clear themselves and get in there and see what’s happening.

I think it can be so important to ask for help at times. I am terrible at doing it and yet whenever I have there’s been a really helpful person who’s come and helped problem solve the issue. In that last year I lived with my mum we had a series of electrical issues that were very confusing. We thought they were all linked but the electrician who came successfully diagnosed each one as a separate issue. He was a very good detective. I’m thinking you could even ring a plumbing business in Big Town and see if they can recommend some people who could come and help. Even if they don’t specifically cover your area they may know of people who do.

It sounds like you are gradually unraveling the mysteries of the brush cutter. Another thing I just thought of is whether Bunnings would assemble the brush cutter for you? I just had a look at their website and I was able to find that they do provide an assembly service for things like outdoor furniture and storage sheds, for a fee. I’m thinking they may assemble the brush cutter even if for a hopefully smallish fee or perhaps for free given your water situation. I find if you let people know actually what’s happening they are often happy to help.

I had a lovely visit to see my friends yesterday who are housesitting in another town. They are very gentle people and really kind. They made me a yummy lunch and it was nice to be able to talk with them about shared interests. Some rain showers went through on my way there and back. Luckily this time the sleep med didn’t cause a headache. It actually felt like winter when I got home with a cold wind blowing. It’s early morning here now and starting to become light outside.

Keep cool in the warmer weather Paws. Take good care,

Hugs,

ER

[Paw Prints]

Hello ER,

Thank you lass for your support & suggestions, you are wonderful with your understanding.  One part of me can see that all your suggestions are not only sensible, but practical solutions.  Unfortunately the other part of my mind sees my asking for help as a "no go" & dangerous, I find it virtually impossible.  I struggled so much just asking my sister if I could use her shower, just the thought of asking things of strangers sends me into a hyper alert stressed state.  I keep putting off going back to assembling the brush cutter or clearing brambles even when resting has helped ease the pain & I should get back to it.  I can see that I'm stretching it out as a way of putting off having to have a tradesman here.  Even one I've had before.  I hate this aspect of my minds thinking processes & I do work against it as much as I can.  At my last place I had termites & put off for over 4 years getting someone in.  Actually I only managed it with the support of my brother. 

I will push through this, I am a grown woman who can take care of herself, I am determined to not just curl up & hide, I will keep at it however long it takes.  I will keep telling myself this over & over.  I'm also trying to think of how good it will feel when I succeed.

I was touched today that my sil texted me with the news & a link to the house she bought today.  That she wanted to tell me one on one & get my opinion meant a lot to me.  

It will be hot all the coming week, only Tuesday will drop below 30.  I saw the news that this area is in the 5th worst drought since records began in 1900.  The forecast for the rest of the year is not good rain wise. I went to the general store today & got milk, I also got a couple of 250ml bottles of water to fill the bird bath as it got to 39 today.  They did appreciate it & it quickly became the place to be.

I'm so pleased you had a lovely visit with your friends (& a yummy lunch).  It is good for us to be with people who make us feel listened too & valued.  I am looking forward to my lunch with friends tomorrow.  It a Sunday pub lunch & helpfully the pub is next door to a Woolies so I can grab water before heading home.

I am envious of your rain & the winter feeling.  I hope you still got out for a walk & perhaps you saw Fred?  I think sharks like overcast weather, but I've never asked one. 🦈🤣

Big hugs

Paws

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Paws,

I did wonder if there was a primal fear of asking for help. I do understand in that I’ve had it myself and put off asking for it many times. At the same time I worry about you being without water for an extended period, especially in hot weather and dry conditions. But I do also get the reluctance to ask. I think if there’s been certain kinds of interpersonal trauma in the past or internal emotional struggles based on past experiences, it can be so hard to open up and trust to have someone else in your space.

I don’t know if this helps but I have found that just by allowing people in, little by little, it does get easier. I think the way we overcome past bad experiences or anxieties is through having positive experiences that teach our nervous system a different reality is possible. But I know that is easier said than done.

When I moved house in 2019 I asked my brother for help. In typical fashion he was evasive and said his friend with a van might be able to help. I rang his friend who said he would help, but then he didn’t turn up on the day. When I called later he said he fell “asleep”. I know like my brother he couldn’t be bothered to help. My landlord said he could help, but he’d been in a foul mood and drinking after losing his job so I was reluctant to bother him with my fear of men when they get angry. So in the end I lifted a lot of things I shouldn’t by myself and way over-pushed myself. The end result is I now have a permanent ligament injury in my right forearm. It is a weakness that will probably never go away. Recently lifting my friend’s little girl aggravated it again, so I am back to doing a lot of things one-handed at the moment and living with the pain. So I guess what I’m saying is that personal injury is not worth it if that results from not asking for help. I look back and know I should have persisted in getting help when moving. So whatever you do Paws, please don’t cause yourself a lifelong injury like I have. It absolutely isn’t worth it.

What I’ve also had to learn is that my needs are worthy and I am deserving of help. I used to always think, “I don’t want to bother anyone”, or “I might annoy that person if I ask them” or “my problems are not important”. I am gradually unlearning this way of thinking and realise I do in fact matter. So I guess to I want you to know you matter too Paws - a lot. You are a precious, kind person worthy of protection and care. While some people may be disinclined to help (e.g. someone like my brother), so many people really enjoy being able to help and make a difference for someone else. Many tradespeople are puzzle solvers too and will work to get to the source of an electrical, plumbing or other issue. The electrician I had had here a few months ago took over 6 hours to solve an issue, but he was curious and persistent and sang songs of encouragement to himself even when it was especially frustrating and difficult. It was actually nice to have him here and I felt like someone was working to help me and that was a nice, supportive feeling.

Anyway, I realise you may stay with what feels safe for you which I totally understand. But please take care of yourself and make sure you have enough water. I’m even worrying you are buying water for the bird bath and not you! Make sure you make yourself number one! You are important Paws!

It was lovely seeing my friends. Very gentle people. They are definitely the kind of people who you could ask for help and they would be there with kind support and no judgement. Such lovely people are out there. I have not seen Fred but haven’t been out looking. Yes, I’ve heard sharks are more often about when it’s overcast, hence I’ve felt more wary swimming in the sea when it’s cloudy. Though Fred seems like a darling shark who won’t eat me 🦈💗

Take care dear Paws 🤗

Hugs,

ER

[Paw Prints]

Hello ER,

I will start off with what should settle your worries, I bought 20 litres of water from the Woolies next to the pub where we had lunch.

I had a lovely day, but boy am I glad to be home.  Like me my sister has a shower over the bath.  Unlike me she doesn't have non slip decals in the bath, nor does she have a grab rail to hold onto when you move about.  It definitely gets the heart rate up when your very aware any minute you could be slip sliding away... I didn't know before today that my baby sister was such a wild child living life on the edge.  I did offer to give her my spare decals, but as it is a re-sprayed tub she worries such things will damage the finish.  

The friends I had lunch with are like family as we've known each other for so long, (one since we were age 7) so it is always lovely to catch up in person & share some hugs.  

I won't try to explain in any detail my fears about having people here, as I don't want to be triggering for anyone reading along.  Suffice to say it is personal experiences (plural) from where I used to live.  I was proud of myself when I first moved here as I was having tradies in, until one of them wasn't available because he got an 8 year sentence.  That triggered me & set everything off in my head.

I hope you had a lovely Sunday.

Hugs

Paws

There is either a small earthquake happening in waves, or the wind has picked up to the point it is rocking the house.  I'm going with wind, as the birds haven't been able to fly into it since I've been home.

[Eagle Ray]

Hello dear Paws,

Yay, I’m so glad you have water. I’m really glad you had a lovely lunch and got to see your long time friends. It’s really special to have those connections that go all the way back to childhood. It’s so nice to have the conversation and hugs 🥰 I’m glad you survived your sister’s shower! It sounds like at least a grab rail could be a helpful addition even if she doesn’t want the non slip decals in the bath.

I understand what you are saying about your need for safety and you have to do what you need to do to feel safe. It’s just me worrying about your safety in other ways, trying to handle everything by yourself and being without a water supply for an extended period. Finding out about the tradie’s 8 year sentence would not have helped. The only other thing I can think of is looking for female tradies but I know there are far fewer of them. 

That sounds very windy indeed. Right now I’m watching the sunset at my favourite rocky hill by the ocean. The mobile signal is good here today. I’ve done some meditating and have been feeling the presence of a friend of mine who is no longer in Australia. I’m feeling in a good place, like things are in a stage of transformation for me. There is a golden light all around at the moment, creating a most beautiful glow on the granite rocks. The waves are rolling in and there is a moderate breeze but I’m a bit sheltered by the rocks here.

Have a peaceful evening Paws and sleep well 😴 

Hugs,

ER

[Paw Prints]

Hello ER,

Your rocky hill sounds glorious... The images of it you have been painting every time you mention it, just make it sound it sound like your very own Shangri La...  I love how positive it seems to make you feel whenever you are there.  Granite rocks in my experience defy logic... they are, well granite, which is very hard... yet they are so comfortable to sit on... one of the mysteries of life I'm content to never know the answer too.

I went to bed very early yesterday & slept a large portion of today.  It was what I needed though & I'm glad I've allowed myself today to recharge.  It is lovely & cool here right now & I have checked the weather forecast & apart from tomorrow & Wednesday getting to around 30 the rest is all going to be low 20s.  I have dragged one of my plastic outdoor chairs around to where I will be working on cutting back & my plan is to have my water bottle & a book (plus first aid kit) sitting on the window ledge & then I can work in small bursts & have somewhere to rest in between without going inside & losing the oomph to go back out.  Fingers crossed it works.

Thank you for your concern about me doing too much & hurting myself.  🤗 You need not worry on that score.  I am very aware of the limitations associated with the damage along my spine & the arthritis in my hips & elsewhere.  Add in damaged knees from being a clumsy child always falling over my own feet & I have learnt how much is ok to keep pushing through & when to stop.  Holding on to motivation... now that is my Achilles Heel.

Yesterday's wind has abated & there is only a slight breeze.  It is very peaceful with almost no sounds.  It will be staring to get dark in about another 1/2 hour or so & I expect it to get noisier then as the evening chorus kicks in.  

How are you doing lass?  Have you been taking the new supplement?  Feeling brighter on your hill is wonderful, but is it lasting through the day & night?

Hugs

Paws

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Paws,

It is good you had that restorative sleep. That does sound like a good plan to have your outdoor rest set up with the book and water bottle, to try and keep inspired and be able to go back to work after some rest and rejuvenation. Being outdoors is so nice. I expect you'll have some sunscreen. Oh dear, that's me being a mother hen again 😂 cluck cluck cluck.

As we get older it can be frustrating having bodily ailments which, as you say, are often linked to our past. I did a very stupid thing aged 17. We were at an ice skating rink for school physical education class. A group of girls were skating holding hands to build up speed and then letting the person on the end of the line go so they would fly along. Well I decided to have a go being that person on the end. It ended up in an almighty crash with me lying on the ice for an extended period. At least I had an instant ice pack for swelling. I'd really bashed my left knee. Eventually I hobbled off, and as things were back then, I didn't go to a physio or anything like that. But not surprisingly that knee has been a weak point since.

I am actually doing pretty well. I would say I'm in an upswing on the hormone front so I haven't started the supplement as I want to wait until the next crash. Something in me is feeling really over taking things at the moment and while I'm fairly ok I don't want to take yet another thing unless it seems really necessary. I'm just listening to my intuition on it at the moment. I've had a lot of insomnia though still, but the nightmares have subsided. But if I take the sleep hormone I do get reasonable sleep. I've been reconnecting with someone from my past which has been a healing experience actually and things are shifting noticeably in me at the moment. I'm not sure I can sum it up succinctly here, but inner conflicts I've been struggling with are resolving and good things are manifesting. I am not feeling the loneliness I was feeling up until very recently.

I did go for a walk late this afternoon looking for Fred. It was overcast weather so I thought maybe I might see him along that stretch of coast. But I did not. I really enjoyed the atmosphere though. It was moody in an enchanting sort of way.

Wishing you a good sleep tonight Paws and a successful day tomorrow. I think just go steady and rest whenever you need.

Big hugs,

ER