Staying/Getting/Doing Well – Moving goalposts or fixed target?

[Paw Prints]

Hi, this is my first post, though I have been reading the forums for some weeks. I’m probably expressing myself badly when I say that I have found reading about other people’s journeys reassuring. Finding a community of people who “get it” even when they have a wide variety of experiences and lives lived is not something I thought I would ever find.

Though people talk about getting well & there is a section Staying Well, I’m curious as to what this actually means to other people and how they manage their expectations. I noticed some people refer to being well as ‘being like themselves before they got ill’, whilst others don’t express an exact aim.

My idea of being well has changed over the years. I was first diagnosed as an 8 year old child back in the late sixties. The doctors told Mum that the voices in my head & the sudden crying bouts were because I suffered from ‘nerves’ & I was given meds to calm me. Of course such things were not discussed back then & I was told not to talk about it to anyone, not my school friends nor siblings, just Mum. For decades after my idea of being well simply meant being able to hide my illness from others.

A number of events in my life caused my illness to worsen, until some years ago I became so ill I needed to be hospitalised for my own safety. This lead to my current diagnosis of Major Depression, Anxiety & PTSD. I’m no longer in that dark place, but each day is still a battle (though I can now believe in a future). For now only my siblings & one friend know about my illness, though some things they still don’t know.
So, what does ‘being well’ mean to me, it is ever moving goalposts. If you had asked me 5 years ago would I be as well as I am now I would have thought it impossible as I couldn’t envision a future. If you had asked me last week (during one of my down periods) I would have said my progress was all an illusion & I was fooling myself that things can get better.
For now my idea of being well is being able to believe that things can change for the better, that I will one day be able to manage the everyday things like housework, caring for myself & caring for my dog & maybe, just maybe I will even be able to enjoy myself.

Paw Prints
**I took the tip to give myself time to write my post by writing on a word doc & then paste it.

[Eagle Ray]

Hello Paws,

I have heard of the asthma-type issues in Victoria and of a lot of people being affected in Melbourne in certain thunderstorm conditions. I’ve come to the conclusion mine is most probably a histamine intolerance issue. I’ve had that issue as a result of being on hormone medication which can cause it, but it had settled down. I think having the cold re-ignited it. I have a supplement I take that counters the effect so I’m using that more frequently again. So I think you’re on the right track, it’s an allergic-type reaction. We’ve had rainy, windy and thunderstormy weather for a while so that may play into it as well. This afternoon the wind finally settled and it is still and sunny, though the air is cold.

It does sound quite different where you are with the warmth. I often think about cattle and other farm animals and how they have to endure the elements. A couple of days ago driving back from a neighbouring town near sunset I noticed many cattle huddled near the fence where the last bit of sun was. So it seemed like they were trying to stay warm.

I have finally got around to subscribing to iView so I’ll get around to watching the Urban Birds series. We have signs up here to advise not to walk on certain parts of the beach when plovers are nesting, but the areas are not actually fenced off. I think with the penguins on Stewart Island, this group was quite small and not a colony as such. I think as it is quite a remote location there are fewer protocols than you might find in more populated zones. It was fascinating learning about the island, its wildlife and the human inhabitants too. It has one small town called Oban. I heard plenty of talk of wanting to keep development out. In the first day there I discovered some of the inter-community conflict on particular issues too. I saw bumper stickers saying things such as “The only wilderness is between a greenie’s ears”. One day some guys saw me with my telephoto lens and asked what it was for. I said for photographing birds. They said, “What are you, a f#%*ing greenie?” I didn’t take it personally and actually found the dynamics of the island fascinating. Though I am finding in my own small town now that when you actually live in smaller communities that have been a bit closed off you can be targeted for being seen as different. There is a strong presence of Scottish ancestry on Stewart Island and on my last night there there was a traditional ceidlidh. I grew to love the birds there and had tears in my eyes on my last day there listening to the hilarious tuis and kakas who I was going to miss so much.

Arum Lilys are a huge problem here too. They have invaded some nearby national park and the blackberries are an issue at some towns not far from here.

I’ve just baked a lemon, chia and blueberry cake. It was actually a lemon and poppyseed cake but I adapted it to what I had. I had to lie down earlier as on the weak side today. I wasn’t up for a walk but I had enough energy for a cake. So I’m about to indulge in that shortly.

Hugs,

ER

[Paw Prints]

Hello ER,

Being targeted for being different is horrible. Even though one person being nasty is one too many, I hope it is only one or two people being so awful & that it is not something more prevalent in the community where you live.  I am very lucky where I am, people were welcoming when I moved here & they are still friendly if we meet & yet they allow me to keep myself to myself without any pressure to join in any community things.  

I've never tried chia seeds, but your cake sounds yummy.  I haven't tried baking a cake in my bench top oven since I got it.  I have tried scones & though they are ok, they haven't been turning out as nice as they used to be when done in the regular oven.  I keep trying because regardless of what type of scone I made, I had reached a point where they would always turn out perfectly (I can't say that of anything else I've ever cooked) & I'm not going to let this oven take that away from me.

I worry about the farm animals out in all weather too.  I think it should be compulsory that all fields that are used to graze stock must have enough trees to act as both a wind break & provide enough shade.  The fact that if the trees are there the stock do use them should be evidence enough they are needed.  

I hope you are feeling stronger today.  

Hugs

Paws

[Eagle Ray]

Thank you Paws,

My cake turned out yummy. I forgot, however, that citrus is an aggravator of histamine intolerance and had a noticeable reaction but immediately took my supplement and it improved. That at least confirms for me the cough is likely linked to the histamine intolerance. I used to have a bench top oven when I lived in a small granny flat. It was a Euromaid brand. I remember doing casseroles in it that turned out well but I can't remember if I baked any cakes, scones, muffins etc in it. My current oven is an old oven that is not fan forced but works very well. It opens at a mid-height too which is just right for me, so no having to bend down low or reach up high.

I hope maybe you have some rain today or soon? There was sun here until early afternoon but now it is raining steadily. I agree that having trees in fields as windbreaks and shade/shelter is important. Animals in the wild would seek cover at times I imagine, but those in paddocks are kind of exposed with limited options.

Last night I watched the Perth one of the Urban Birds program. I enjoyed it so much. I've done a bird walk with Simon Cherriman and a friend of mine has done some work with him. He is an awesome person, so passionate about wedge-tailed eagles and birds in general. I'm very familiar with the places they showed in the program and I felt emotional watching it for the memories of those places.

I think there are good people in my local town, but there is a fair bit of gossip which I've progressively discovered. I became distressed by someone's racist comments recently and when they wouldn't stop making them I excused myself and left. This led to her complaining about me to two other residents in my unit complex and I had to listen to several days of hearing them curse me outside my home, pretty blatantly. I've had to really practise taking care of myself. The comments were particularly distressing as someone from my childhood, a really beautiful soul, was murdered as a teenager on the basis of race, as was revealed by the perpetrators at police interview. All of that was getting triggered by the recent comments directed at this person's race. I've since written to the person to explain the reason it was distressing for me and the daily abuse I was hearing has stopped since then. But I have learned the town is quite conservative and set in its ways and I'm starting to investigate other places to live where I might feel more safety and belonging.

I'm also developing distinct signs of the autoimmune disease lupus, including a butterfly rash that is typical of the disease on my face. It's known to have links with the autoimmune liver disease I have. I don't feel well at the moment but I am staying positive because I am used to working through these things. I think all of the autoimmunity I've experienced is traced to complex trauma issues and I see these things as communications from the body and a chance to work through what is coming up for me. I'm talking to my psychologist next week.

Sorry, I just talked a lot about myself. I hope you have been having a restful week and have a lovely weekend. I hope you have been seeing some birds in your garden. I have watched a little white-browed scrubwren hopping about today. The parrots are eating the last of my mandarins that I can't reach. I always find it healing seeing the birds.

Hugs,

ER

[Paw Prints]

Hello ER,

I'm so pleased the Perth episode rekindled some happy memories for you.  I think the knowledge & love the people featured had for the birds in their area was so evident throughout that episode.  How marvellous you got to enjoy such knowledge first hand with Simon.  

Oh lass I'm so very sorry you have had to deal with any type of racist behaviour.  Such behaviour is always distressing, but must be made even more so for you having lost a friend.  It can be a problem in small villages or rural towns especially where they are mono-cultured rather than multi-cultured & they can tend to work as echo chambers for old school conservative views.  Having said that, I have noticed a lot more rural places in Victoria are welcoming of new ideas & of having a more multi-cultured community.  I do hope you can find such a place or at least one where people may hold different views, but they keep them to themselves & let everyone live as they want.  

My surviving sister & one of my brothers were both at separate times diagnosed with lupus.  Both found it had a tendency to flare up & then ease right off.  Stress did seem to be a factor in the flareups, which given everything you have been dealing with lately may be a factor for you.  

There have been scattered showers over the last few days.  Showers being a very apt word as none of them lasted more than five or so minutes, plus they were well spaced apart.  

I have been feeling very low all this week, which is not surprising having just lost my sister.  But it is focussing my attention to the fact that I have simply been existing, rather than living, for so long now.  I look back at my posts from when I joined the forums & little has changed.  I've not achieved even one of my goals.  As I've said countless times before... I know I'm the only one who can make the changes... I know it is best to start small... yet however many times I try & actually start it all just slips away.  I'm genuinely feeling like a waste of space right now.  I'm sorry to just dump this, but I needed to acknowledge it.

Hugs

Paws

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Paws,

It is so understandable you have been feeling low. I think when people pass we do often reflect on our own lives, what has been happening in them and where we are going. I do relate to the feeling of just existing that you describe. I have often felt like I'm in a groundhog day experience (if you have seen that movie) where I struggle through the day, even to do a few basic chores, feed myself and then collapse in bed again. I think it is important to not be hard on yourself if you haven't attained your goals. I think it really is quite a challenge to shift the daily patterning of just getting through to finding a way out from that pattern in some way.

I can share maybe a few things that have given me respite from the grind of just existing. When I first arrived here my mental and physical health collapsed. For the first 3 months, despite all the plans I had to be organised, I just barely existed. But at that 3 month point I had my first appointment with my current psychologist. She was so compassionate and supportive in that first meeting that I felt qualitatively different afterwards. Almost straight after speaking with her I looked up local whale watching tours and booked myself into one. I realised I needed a different experience from what the previous 3 months had been. It was wonderful. I hadn't done something for myself in an extremely long time. When I arrived I felt anticipation and the fresh sea air. I was among other people also looking forward to the trip. There was even a staffy dog on board with his own captain's uniform who goes on all the tours and he was totally engaged and interested in watching the whales the whole time. They were humpbacks with some males chasing a female in apparently a typical humpback ritual. Their energy was incredible as they surged around the boat. We watched it for about two hours. It was sunny but cold in the wind but also exhilarating. It was changing how I felt in my body. I remembered what a good experience is and it really lifted me.

So what I am wondering is whether doing something different, such as booking yourself on a tour or going on a mini holiday somewhere may help to break the cycle of existing you feel you are in? Last year I did something similar when my health started to improve. I went on two short road trips. They both helped enormously and I was like a different person at the end of the second one. I stayed in one room places in caravan parks where you have your own room but shared facilities. This was good for me because I had my own space to retreat to but had to go to the kitchen to make dinner. There I met other people travelling around who were lovely and shared their stories with me. That was really enjoyable and sometimes we'd visited the same locations and got to share how much we loved them.

What I have found is once home for an extended period I can fall into a rut again. I've realised although I like my own space I do need some contact with other people and I also need new experiences reasonably often. Those new experiences give me energy and I do find I get at least somewhat better at working towards goals I have when I have that new energy.

I want to assure you Paws that you are not a waste of space but a really lovely, kind and wise human being, the sort of human being who is an asset to this world. You are very kind to people here and that in itself is a meaningful achievement that makes a difference. I so understand you feeling low in spirits and I'm sure you miss your pal Woofa too who was a comrade for you in the journey of life for a long time. Sometimes when I reflect on the energy of a good connection like that, I try to channel it moving forward into the next activities and directions of life, if that makes sense? It's like I draw on the good memories to move forward.

For a week in September I am going away to look at a couple of places I'm thinking of moving to. I know that will be really good for me having that break away. So, anyway, just wondering if some new experiences may help you, maybe something you've always wanted to do?

Sending you big hugs,

ER

[Paw Prints]

Hello ER,

Thank you lass for your wonderful support & such a thoughtful response.  I first read it in the wee hours of today, but wasn't up to replying then.  I want you to know your words have helped me to keep trying.

Actually putting how I am feeling down has reminded me how beneficial I found keeping a journal when I first came out of the psych hospital many years ago.  Not just recording how I felt, but keeping track of what I did & when, helped me to see unhelpful patterns & points to tweak.  So I've grabbed a notebook I had lying around & have started off.  

You have reminded me that one of the things I have wanted to do since moving here is to go whale watching.  Being as close to the coast as I am it would be a good day outing.  Of course now I'm thinking of it, I've checked the weather forecast for this coming week & it is not suited to whale watching.  Grrrr...  However I am happy that we might get some decent rain at last.

I love that the whale watching boat had a staffy in his own uniform.  How gorgeous is that!!  I think if I were onboard I might have missed out on seeing the whales as I would have been too busy giving ear rubs & butt scratches.  

I'm sorry that you find you need to move because of the people around you.  There are kind & welcoming small town communities out there, I hope you find one not far from where you are, because it sounds a lovely place to live.  Having to move because of the people around me was why I moved here, so I understand how much it can take away our sense of safety & contentment.

I had a lovely text message from my niece which has brightened my day.  Since her daughter Mary* (not her real name) was born I have for each birthday sponsored an endangered animal in Mary's* name.  Mary* is now 9 years old & having been saving her money, she has now told her mum that she wants to use it to sponsor an animal herself & so she has sponsored a Koala.  

Thank you again lass

Hugs

Paws

[Croix]

Dear Paws and ER~

First and most importantly, you Paws are anything but a waste of space, in fact the opposite, by getting though each day's difficulties you an an example ot be admired. As ER pointed out please do not forget your loss and the funeral will have had a marked effect and that can  make things seem pointless at times.

It's no use looking back through the thread and thinking things have not changed, when I first met you it was a case you hardly said much, now you are frank and showing how you deal with things -and are not averse to new or old ideas to try. Do remember you are not just talking to ER, myself and a few others, you are speaking to a host of people, most of whom may gain benefit, but never post.

Whale watching wil do you good, and as ER poets out, contact with others helps too. I think a journal of events and activities as well as feelings will indeed be the best, and showing up patterns is one advantage, another is concentration on the writing.

We do not have any whales near where I live (unless they are hiding), however we are not all that far from a beach where fairy penguins come to nest. Like you ER watching in a red light as they emerge from the  surf and waddle up the beach in a herd? to the grassy areas where they have their burrows is an amazing feeling. In fact thay are so used to spectators they will brush past you leg to get where they are going.

ER, small country towns, such as the one in which I live, are pockets of self-reinforcing prejudice, a sad fact of life. If neighbors are a bane on your life I can well understand your desire to move, I hope either they move or else you find a better area.

I hope the September trips not only give you options but are a break in themselves with  lots of pleasant people to meet.

Croix

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Paws and Croix,

Paws, yes, it can be so helpful writing in a journal. I did a lot of that when I was going through a very difficult time in 2005-2008. It is true, you can see patterns and also recognise what has and hasn't been helpful along the way. I think, too, as Croix says, sometimes it can feel like we haven't made progress when, actually, often we have made significant progress within ourselves, but because it can be incremental it isn't always obvious how far we have come. And, like you talked about in your original post, the goalposts may change. I know that as I am changing within myself, some of what I thought I would do is not really my goal now as I gain new perspectives.

Hopefully you may have some late winter weather that may be good for whale watching, if the whales are still about. I have thought of going again this year but we have had many squally days of windy, wet weather, so it hasn't been enticing yet to go out. I found a photo online of the staffy on one of the whale watching boats on the blog website of a travelling couple. I think I'm not allowed to post direct links here, but if you google "Explore Shaw Where to See Orca Whales in Australia", it should be the second link listed where there is an article with several photos. If you scroll down it is the 6th photo showing the staffy looking out the window. It is a different tour and boat than I went on, but the staffy goes on all their tours. His uniform, as you can see in the photo, is just the shirt collar with stripes typical of a skipper's uniform.

Croix, yes, the experience you had seeing the penguins sounds very similar to what I saw. They came in from the ocean and waddled up the beach right next to us. I remember there being a defined path they followed up to their burrows. We were told we could not do any flash photography. I can't remember if there was a red light but there may have been. I remember watching them come to a rock ledge on a rock out in the ocean. One by one they went over the rock and plunged off it back into water before coming ashore. I'm not sure why they didn't go around the rock but there must be a logical reason. We all sat with bated breath watching each penguin looking small and precarious as they plunged off the rock, but I'm sure they are very skilled and know what they're doing. I remember being told they swim vast distances daily to get fish.

That is lovely about your niece's daughter now sponsoring a koala, Paws. It feels so lovely to build a relationship with an animal that way and I imagine she gets updates on how they are going. It is one way you can feel you are making a difference in the world and it is lovely you have nurtured that compassion and care in Mary*.

I am philosophical re: my town. There are many good things here and the landscape is beautiful. But I feel there is a kind of narrowness that may be increasingly stifling to me over time. At some point I probably need to move out of the isolation I've been in at a gradual pace I can handle. But the atmosphere in this town is not encouraging that in me. I feel a larger place with a bit more happening and more diverse perspectives will feel safer and more nurturing for me.

I hope you both, and all reading, have a lovely week.

Hugs,

ER

[Paw Prints]

Hello ER & Croix,

Croix I did consciously make the decision to try to share more here.  Not just for helping me by getting things out, but mostly in the hope that it might help someone who is struggling & feeling alone.  I know that what others have shared has helped me to not feel like I'm the only one trying to find a way through. 

ER I googled that link & the pic of uniform on the Staffy definitely brought a smile to my face.  I'm sure he takes his duties very seriously.  

Croix well of course you see penguins on your iceberg, along with inebriated kiwis.  I'm sure the whales are out there, they are just wary of getting too close to a walrus with such magnificent tusks 🐳🐋

ER I hope you are feeling better & have more energy to get out & about.

Hugs

Paws

[Eagle Ray]

Hello Paws and Croix,

Paws, I'm glad you liked the cute staffy boy. I have a huge soft spot for staffies having lived with two English Staffies and one American Staffy X, so I was super excited to discover him onboard the boat. On the trip I was on he was frequently looking out the window as in that photo, totally fascinated by the whales.

Croix, I was experiencing humorous mental images when you mentioned the whales might be hiding. For example, I saw a whale trying to hide itself behind a rock with the tell-tale sign of a whale tail sticking out. The first time I ever saw a whale was sometime in my 30s. I was at Trigg Beach in Perth just after sunset and I could hear this slapping sound. I thought what's that?! Then I looked out to sea and there was a very large whale thumping its tail on the water.

Paws, I got worse on the weekend with the remnant cold turning into a bacterial infection. So as of today I'm on antibiotics. This time the GP could hear some abnormal things on one side of my chest. I think I should get fully better now within a few days.

I'm off to have some chicken and vegetable soup for my dinner shortly. It's quite cold and damp here. I hope you both and everyone else are keeping cosy and warm.

Hugs,

ER