Staying/Getting/Doing Well – Moving goalposts or fixed target?

[Paw Prints]

Hi, this is my first post, though I have been reading the forums for some weeks. I’m probably expressing myself badly when I say that I have found reading about other people’s journeys reassuring. Finding a community of people who “get it” even when they have a wide variety of experiences and lives lived is not something I thought I would ever find.

Though people talk about getting well & there is a section Staying Well, I’m curious as to what this actually means to other people and how they manage their expectations. I noticed some people refer to being well as ‘being like themselves before they got ill’, whilst others don’t express an exact aim.

My idea of being well has changed over the years. I was first diagnosed as an 8 year old child back in the late sixties. The doctors told Mum that the voices in my head & the sudden crying bouts were because I suffered from ‘nerves’ & I was given meds to calm me. Of course such things were not discussed back then & I was told not to talk about it to anyone, not my school friends nor siblings, just Mum. For decades after my idea of being well simply meant being able to hide my illness from others.

A number of events in my life caused my illness to worsen, until some years ago I became so ill I needed to be hospitalised for my own safety. This lead to my current diagnosis of Major Depression, Anxiety & PTSD. I’m no longer in that dark place, but each day is still a battle (though I can now believe in a future). For now only my siblings & one friend know about my illness, though some things they still don’t know.
So, what does ‘being well’ mean to me, it is ever moving goalposts. If you had asked me 5 years ago would I be as well as I am now I would have thought it impossible as I couldn’t envision a future. If you had asked me last week (during one of my down periods) I would have said my progress was all an illusion & I was fooling myself that things can get better.
For now my idea of being well is being able to believe that things can change for the better, that I will one day be able to manage the everyday things like housework, caring for myself & caring for my dog & maybe, just maybe I will even be able to enjoy myself.

Paw Prints
**I took the tip to give myself time to write my post by writing on a word doc & then paste it.

[Eagle Ray]

Hi dear Paws and Hanna,

Thank you. My body just goes involuntarily into severe trauma responses. I lock down and can't move. It is not really overthinking. It is almost entirely below the level of thinking and is just primal fear in my body. A lot of my trauma is preverbal and precognitive. I'm still locked up now and not surprisingly getting a migraine. My jaw, head, neck and shoulders all just lock in a freeze response. I do not have anyone really to turn to. The friend I feel closest to is a busy mum with a huge amount to deal with, and the cousin I feel closest to is a full-time carer for her parents which is extremely demanding for her. So I don't really tell them much. I do have a good psychologist but even there I'm beginning to feel I am hitting a wall because I'm not sure she can see who my mother was either. I need for that space that existed between my mother and myself to be safely witnessed, held and seen. It's like the only healing for me is through retrospectively restoring the damage done to our relationship that had been healing. Things had been moving in a positive and hopeful direction then it just got smashed.

But you are right Paws. The connection cannot be taken away. I kept trying to hold her spirit safely after she died and brutal things kept happening whether at her funeral or with my brother's partner where it was like her spirit was viciously attacked, yet again as it had been when she was a small child and throughout her life. Her mother eventually took her own life 29 years ago now. That really broke something in my mother. I just feel all these forces have been against me trying to heal this part of myself and my connection with her, and all these forces were against her as she tried to heal herself throughout her life. And she was really trying to connect with me, especially in the last few years.

It would have been hard for you both losing your mums so early. I am lucky in a way my mum lived longer and I was 45 when she died. I'm 49 now. But it was also an extremely rocky several decades of heartache and struggle in many ways. I am just in so much emotional pain. I feel like I need an alternative set of rituals to honour my mum, as her actual funeral was the opposite of healing. I feel like dad was sent safely on his way while mum just got more abuse.

Yes, Hanna, watching a Rocky Kanaka video would be helpful. I find them so healing. I never had anyone help me to feel safe like that. The weird thing is I am often that person for other people. If someone is struggling they always contact me and depend on me for support. I seem to be easily able to give that, but I find it extremely difficult to direct that care and kindness towards myself. I did see in my YouTube list this morning that Rocky has put out a progress report video about the little puppy named Bean with the broken leg. So I think I will watch that now.

Sorry for being an emotional disaster. I hope you have both been having a restful evening.

Hugs,

ER

[Hanna3]

Hi ER

I can't stay for long today as it's such a busy day here but I'm glad you are sounding a bit better than yesterday.  I think you will find your own healing rituals concerning your mother but these may be found over time as you yourself gradually heal from all that has happened.  That is how I found things at any rate.

It sounds like your brother/brother's partner are bullying you and what I have found is when people are accustomed to you being a target, they become upset when you finally stand up for yourself because it's so unexpected - but you will feel so much better for it!

I confess I am not a fan of triggers and trigger warnings - I think they encourage a culture of victimhood rather than encouraging resilience, which is what we all need at times to get through the bad stuff life throws at us.  I know many at BB will disagree with me on this.  At any rate you have shown courage and resilience in getting through what has happened to you this far and you should feel good about yourself for that reason - and for being the one who sees the worthwhile parts of your mother.  

I'm glad you have a counsellor to talk things through with.  Everything that has happened to you is very raw still and it will gradually ease with time and talking it through.  It sounds like talking too much about it here has been a bit overwhelming so perhaps go onto easier topics like your photography, or whatever - for a while?  Whatever you feel is best for you.

It's getting quite cold here now and I am not long home and need to fix a hot cuppa and phone my 95 year old friend in Sydney.  I do wish you had a friend like that, someone old in years with experience from a well-lived life and a wise counsellor.  She has helped me enormously.  It sounds like you need someone where you are who offers you a shoulder to lean on and an empathetic ear for a while.  

I hope you continue here to feel free to talk about it all -we may have limited abilities to actually help - but we are always here to listen and offer support so don't hesitate.  Sending comforting hugs - if I still had my little dog, he would have sent soft warm furry ones as well.  Hang in there - it will get easier.  

[Paw Prints]

Hello ER,

Lass I'm going to share my thoughts which you are free to ignore if you don't find them helpful.

I do have some understanding of the primal response you experience.  People talk about the fight or flight response, but rarely mention the freeze response, where we can shut down, dissociate or just plain freeze.  These aren't responses we think about, they are purely instinctive & part of our brains ancient primitive survival wiring.  Like breathing they happen without us having to think, but like with breathing we can learn to make changes by recognising what we are doing & practising new ways to react.  

I won't go into detail, but having been stalked & sexually assaulted I can be triggered & have an automatic primal response.  As our situations are different, so our responses will be different, yet the same underlying wiring in our brains underlies our reactions & responses.  But our brains also have regions where our higher brain functions happen, our logical, reasoned & learnt responses.  We can use that to find ways that work for us individually to teach our brain that a given situation can be responded to differently & not using the old automatic response.  What will work varies from person to person.

You can't change what has happened to your mum or how others treated her.  Nor can you make others think of her differently.  Yes she deserved better, but what happened wasn't your fault, you can't fix it, trying too will just keep tearing you apart.  If others can't see the person you came to know, that is their loss not yours.  

I don't know why but after reading your posts about your mum I had the image of a butterfly emerging from a caterpillar/cocoon.  So much of her life so many could not see the beautiful creature within, but with you she emerged & started to unfurl her wings & learn to fly.  But like a butterfly though she was lovely she was also fragile & easily damaged, therefore her time was limited.

Lass I think you need to work at disregarding what others think of your mum.  Focus on the woman you knew, what it was that helped to make the connection you both found, what you both shared.  Small steps, from there you build a path toward finding a way to celebrate her life in a way that resonates with you.

As I said these are just some of my thoughts. I may be well off the mark with what you will find helpful, if that is the case feel free to say so, the last thing I want is to cause you distress or pain.  

This is a place where you can talk as much as you like about your mum or anything else.

gentle hugs 

Paws

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Paws,

Thank you very much. I can sense you understand. I am so sorry you went through the stalking and sexual assault. I went through two sexual assaults, one by a health practitioner and one by someone I'd just met who I thought was safe. In both cases those incidents were experienced as life threatening and I totally froze, and my body can switch into that freeze again in a microsecond from a trigger. Combined with my volatile experiences from my earliest childhood memories, that is why sudden unprovoked attacks by people such as my brother's partner who is extremely aggressive can cause my whole system to shutdown severely.

Thank you so much for the image of the caterpillar/coccoon. That really helps. I have a photo of my mum as a little girl holding a doll and I can see the beautiful, innocent child she was. She only told me about the extreme acts of violence her mother did to her just weeks before she died and she was just that little girl then. When my brother lost his temper at her a year before her death that retriggered all of those early attacks. He didn't mean to do that, he just had no awareness or insight. I know she was reliving all of that and that was why she was telling me about it.

Mum and I loved to listen to the sound of the boobook owl at night. It is one of the few gentle, safe memories I have from childhood. When I was 33 I wrote her a song that included the owl in it. The fact I reached out from my heart to her made a difference. After I had played it for her she awkwardly gave me a hug and said it was a special day when I came into the world. That was the first time she'd ever really done anything like that. I could feel it was extremely hard for her to express that, just as she couldn't tell my dad she loved him. But she did, and I know I made a difference by opening my heart to her in that way.

When she was actually dying, and my brother and I were in a neighbouring room in the hospital and didn't know yet she would die, there was a boobook owl on the calendar in there. Immediately on seeing that I thought, I think mum is going to die. About 20 minutes later a nurse came in and told us. After getting home I thought I just need to hear the owl. Within a few days not only did just one owl come, but 3 fledgling boobook owls who were in the trees and on the roof every night. One morning I even woke up to the sound of the mother owl talking to the baby right outside my window at dawn. I knew mum's spirit was with me.

After moving here, I still hear the owls at night sometimes. But the funny thing is the local magpies here are mimics, and one of the female magpies specialises in mimicking the boobook owl. She's often on my roof or garden or nearby trees. The trauma I keep experiencing is the memory of mum's horrific suffering which, although I know she is at peace now, my body keeps reliving. I think the insensitivity of people in my life, especially following mum's death, made that so much worse. It is because I'm an ultra empath and was so attuned to mum's sensitivities and struggles. I love you mum.

Thank you so much.

Hugs,

ER

[Hanna3]

Hi ER and Paws and all here

That's a lovely story about the owl, ER.  I do understand about trauma.  When I was six years old I was violently sexually assaulted by a man who was working as a builder on the house next door.  When I was twelve years old we travelled overseas on a Swedish cargo ship that also took a dozen passengers, and the ship's First Officer - a tall strong Swedish man - broke into my cabin one night when I was asleep and overpowered me and violently assaulted me, dragging me around the ship's deck in the middle of the night. Someone overheard the noise and alerted the ship's captain who finally came with help to rescue me.  My mother took four years in agony to die of pancreatic cancer, from when I was 15 to when I was 18-19.  I didn't know someone could still stay alive and suffer that much - I used to think you would shoot an animal before you would let it die like that.  During these four years she almost never spoke to me - I thought because she hated me, but I learnt later she thought this was the best way to deal with things.  i won't even tell you about my father's death later on.

I see myself not as a victim but as a survivor.  I still can't sit in a room without a clear exit in view and I can panic attacks anywhere where I feel I can't escape easily.  But I survived all this - it's affected my whole life, but I got away from both those violent men.  I will never forget running across that ship's deck in my nightie in the middle of the night in the middle of the ocean. But I don't want people feeling anxious about what to say around me or feeling that they have to tip-toe.  So I don't like trigger warnings, they would make me feel a victim and I survived and I see myself as a survivor.  

Your mum's death is recent and still very raw ER.  Paws it's sad what we women have had to endure in terms of violence from some men.  I think in our time Paws this sort of behaviour by men was prevalent.  I'm sorry for what happened to all of us.

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Hanna and Paws,

Hanna, that is awful what you experienced. I am so sorry you went through that. I feel for you greatly.

When it comes to triggers, I don't think it has anything to do with victimhood. I think viewing it that way can be stoic defence against our own trauma. When I mentioned I was triggered the other day, that was in no way a criticism of you. That was me asserting a boundary around what I feel safe with and what I do not feel safe with. For me, at the present time, reading accounts of aggressive mothers as in the novel you described was highly triggering. A sharp fear set off in my body, I became shaky and I started shutting down. It doesn't take much with my trauma physiology for that to happen. That has nothing to do with my attitude or being a victim. I need to be able to express a boundary around my own sense of safety.

There is a good interview with Peter Levine on traumas and triggering. He explains the physiology of it. It's called How to Heal Your Triggers and Trauma With Peter Levine on the Neil Sattin podcast Relationships Alive. He describes how trauma and memory work and how if two people are triggered at the same time they are both reacting from their triggers and locked inside their past trauma responses, a lot of which is held in implicit memory. The sensitive difficulty on a forum such as this is pretty much all of us are vulnerable and that's why we have come here. We are also likely to be easily triggered because of that vulnerability. That is why the moderators exist and why some people choose to provide a trigger warning about the content in their post.

Sometimes if you find yourself being reactive the best thing you can do is to allow yourself to just stop and to feel what is happening in your body. Quite often an emotion that was stuck will then move through. It will move through more easily in the presence of an empathetic witness. With PTSD the stuckness can be severe and some responses remain at least partially physiologically trapped a long time, especially as the primary response has been to freeze. But at least if we are mindful of it we can understand what is happening in our own body. We live in a society where we are very alienated from our bodies and I think that is behind so many problems and human conflicts. Having sensitivity to what is occurring in the body and nervous system can be really beneficial  and is actually necessary to heal. It is also necessary for healthy co-regulation with others as our nervous systems are always communicating and affecting one another.

Paws, I have been thinking about the times you have been stuck in bed and the freeze response you would have had from your trauma. I also have been locked up in the freeze position in bed for days at a time. I feel like there is a strong connection between depression and the freeze response. I am gradually working on this with allowing a kind of gentle letting go of the intense bracing that keeps me frozen. I can only really do that when I can feel a sense of safety within myself. I find this can happen if I recall a memory of the presence of someone who felt safe, kind and benevolent, or even imagining such a person. I find dogs really help me in this way too where they kind of automatically start to unlock the freeze response in me. I wonder if Woofa was doing some of that for you?

Hugs,

ER

[Hanna3]

Hi ER and Paws and all

I guess I am just more into building resilience and becoming antifragile rather than the safe spaces ideas.  Your mother's death and your problems with your family are probably too recent and overwhelming at the moment - recovery takes a lot of time.  Maybe take the pressure off yourself for a while and don't expect too much of yourself?  I've lived with what happened to me for a long time - it no longer disturbs me, it's simply a part of who I am.

I've been out most of the last two days and we've been having gorgeous weather here.  I love this time of year, it's perfect.  I hope you're getting some photography done, it's such a great interest.

I've been on the phone to a friend for hours and am about to finally get some dinner and relax at last  We were talking about the ABC programme last night about children who are influencers on social media - I don't know why their mothers think that's OK, it's so dangerous for them.  I think it's all just about money.  

I hope things improve for you soon.  It's tough dealing with the finality of death, especially in this society that seems to like to pretend it doesn't happen.  You will get there, just time and more time.  

I haven't much news just dog-tired now and in need of a hot cuppa.  Will talk another time - Paws I hope you are getting this lovely sunny cool fresh weather down your way - this is the best time of year!  Hope everyone has a good evening.

[Eagle Ray]

Hanna, I have to politely but strongly disagree with you. This is a mental health forum and people come here when they are at their most vulnerable. It is imperative that we all work to create an environment that feels safe and we show sensitivity and respect for the vulnerabilities of others.

I am very aware that Paws is vulnerable right now because of her sister's recent pancreatic cancer diagnosis. Above you have described your mother's pancreatic cancer is highly distressing terms. Are you not able to see that this is insensitive?

I have just shared the most personal information I carry about my mother and I have been trying to communicate about. This is very exposing and vulnerable for me to do this. I can sense Paws is sensitive to this but you are not. I can tell you yourself have been triggered as a result of me being triggered and you are reacting from that place. Please have sensitivity towards that part of yourself and sensitivity towards those vulnerable parts in others.

Paws I hope you are ok?

Hugs,

ER

[Paw Prints]

Hello Hanna,

I saw that report on children on social media & I agree with you it is troubling that their parents are putting them in that space, especially as the report said most of the sites they appear on are for age 18+ subscribers.  This is not like posting a pic or video of a child on social media so distant relatives can feel like they aren't missing out on being part of the child's life.  I think there should be laws preventing anyone putting children online in a way that is commodifying the child or where the post is primarily for strangers to see.  

I've found here on bb that we are all in different places when it comes to our journey with our mental health & that what works for one person need not work for another.  The hard part is we are just reading words, the nuances & non verbal messages we pick up when talking to a person face to face are missing.   As you said ER is in the very early stages of her grief & I think we need to listen to her as to what she finds helpful & what is not.  Building resilience will hopefully come with time.  

Have you heard anymore about the new units you were hoping to move into?  

It has been chilly here at night with clear skies the temp just plummets.  I actually put the reverse cycle on the other night & it may yet go on tonight.  

Hugs

Paws

[Paw Prints]

Hello ER,

Thank you for sharing the story of you & your mum listening to the boobook owl.  Her reaction to your song seems to me to show that it had been her way of trying to connect with you even though she struggled in other ways.  I love that you still have boobooks (or mischievous magpies) near you to remind you of those times.

Lass until recently admitting to traumas or mental health issues was frowned on or considered shameful.  Your mum would have learnt to keep these things to herself no matter what.  I may be telling you something you already know, but I wanted to stress how difficult it would have been for your mum at any age to speak of what she went through.  That she was finally feeling in a safe enough space with you to share her experiences is something very precious however painful is for you to have heard.  I'm sure she would not of wanted you to take her pain onboard, rather I think she was letting you know how much she had come to trust you to listen & not judge or blame.  You valued her & she clearly felt that.  

Lass I do understand how hard it is not to feel what you feel when you think of your mum & her traumas.  I think you do understand though that you need to find a way to hold onto the things that made you love her & let go of the rest.  She deserves that.  It won't happen overnight, but by talking about her & remembering the little things or the glimpses you saw of the beautiful person inside her it can & will come.  

I am wondering if perhaps you got your love of nature from her?

Hugs

Paws