Staying/Getting/Doing Well – Moving goalposts or fixed target?

[Paw Prints]

Hi, this is my first post, though I have been reading the forums for some weeks. I’m probably expressing myself badly when I say that I have found reading about other people’s journeys reassuring. Finding a community of people who “get it” even when they have a wide variety of experiences and lives lived is not something I thought I would ever find.

Though people talk about getting well & there is a section Staying Well, I’m curious as to what this actually means to other people and how they manage their expectations. I noticed some people refer to being well as ‘being like themselves before they got ill’, whilst others don’t express an exact aim.

My idea of being well has changed over the years. I was first diagnosed as an 8 year old child back in the late sixties. The doctors told Mum that the voices in my head & the sudden crying bouts were because I suffered from ‘nerves’ & I was given meds to calm me. Of course such things were not discussed back then & I was told not to talk about it to anyone, not my school friends nor siblings, just Mum. For decades after my idea of being well simply meant being able to hide my illness from others.

A number of events in my life caused my illness to worsen, until some years ago I became so ill I needed to be hospitalised for my own safety. This lead to my current diagnosis of Major Depression, Anxiety & PTSD. I’m no longer in that dark place, but each day is still a battle (though I can now believe in a future). For now only my siblings & one friend know about my illness, though some things they still don’t know.
So, what does ‘being well’ mean to me, it is ever moving goalposts. If you had asked me 5 years ago would I be as well as I am now I would have thought it impossible as I couldn’t envision a future. If you had asked me last week (during one of my down periods) I would have said my progress was all an illusion & I was fooling myself that things can get better.
For now my idea of being well is being able to believe that things can change for the better, that I will one day be able to manage the everyday things like housework, caring for myself & caring for my dog & maybe, just maybe I will even be able to enjoy myself.

Paw Prints
**I took the tip to give myself time to write my post by writing on a word doc & then paste it.

[Paw Prints]

Hello Hanna & ER,

Hanna I hope you are feeling better.  The chop & change weather can't be helping.  

It's hard to believe you are both getting such hot weather so late into April.  The nights here have been getting down to about 5 degrees & the days with cloud (but no rain) only make it to the mid teen.  Today was sunny & made it to 22, I think there will be a heavy frost in the morning as the sky is clear.  

I've never seen people surfing in real life, just on the tv.  They must have superb balance.  I can still count on my fingers & toes the number of times I've been to the beach in Australia (I visited a lot of coastal regions in my trips overseas) & can count on one hand how often I have swum in the ocean.  I will never understand why people like to go to the beach on very hot days when they have to negotiate molten sand & have no good tree shade.  I've discovered that the beach on cool days is a lovely place to watch nature, unfortunately it has usually been a long trip to get to a quiet beach.  The coast is much closer now, but most of it is a State Nature Reserve & so it was out of bounds for Woofa, with the nearest dog friendly beach being nearly 2 hours away.

Hanna I've done the trip to Perth on the overland too.  It was a lovely way to see the changing scenery. 

ER I also find it fascinating how people discover how to do completely new things, such as how they thought of & then worked out the early photographic principles, or the smelting of metals, which require special techniques to extract & work,  as well as very high temperatures, much more than a simple campfire can generate.  

After a long & emotional day on Friday I have spent the last two days just trying to ground myself again.  She was as I had pretty much expected her to be, except her voice which has deteriorated to a raspy croak. 

hugs

Paws

[Eagle Ray]

Hello dear Paws and Hanna,

I can understand Paws that it can feel a bit ungrounding seeing your sister and there can be that need to ground again. It has all been so sudden and unexpected and I think our nervous systems can only take in so much at a time and we can feel a bit at sea. I hope you can find some activities, maybe such as in the garden, that kind of literally earth/ground you. I find it’s often the doing of something that helps me feel more connected and grounded again.

At the moment I’m reading the autobiography of Peter Levine. He is a specialist in treating trauma over many decades. His approach and methods have been very helpful for me. I’ve just read the chapter where he gets a dog in his early 30s while living in Arizona. The dog named Pouncer was a dingo/shepherd mix. He was a rescue puppy he adopted. He describes how he would take Pouncer with him when cross-country skiing. He said Pouncer was like a snow dolphin leaping along beside him. He was working as a therapist with traumatised children a lot then and would take them on adventures with Pouncer. He said Pouncer would bring out playfulness in them because he was so playful and it really helped the children. I’m really enjoying the book but it does include descriptions of Peter Levine’s childhood traumas which are pretty harrowing. He has a chapter I haven’t got to yet about coming to terms with his own mortality (he’s in his 80s). If I read anything that might be helpful I’m happy to share it in case it’s helpful in relation to your sister Paws.

Hanna, I have read just two Tim Winton books, his first novel Open Swimmer and Blueback. From memory (I read it in high school) Open Swimmer is a book about adolescence and coming of age. Like many books on that topic it has almost a kind of unease to it because it can be such an uneasy, transitory time growing up. I loved Blueback which is about a boy named Abel who forms a relationship over time with a Blue Groper fish he gets to know from the time he spends in the ocean. They are highly intelligent and engaging fish. I read about that in a wonderful book I read by Albert Falco who worked on Jacques Cousteau’s boat. He also described a groper he got to know really personally over a long period of time. When they had a long gap between visits it was like the groper actually sulked a bit and was sad that they hadn’t visited him for so long. I really need to read some more Tim Winton books given he writes about places I know. I haven’t even read classics like Cloudstreet.

That’s lovely you got to come to Perth. I’m guessing the dancing horses were at what was called El Caballo Blanco in the Perth Hills with the Andalusian horses. I remember going there as a kid. I love the Nulllabor too and went across and back by car when I was 17. I’d like to do it on the train too. I love the expansive landscape but I know some people find it boring. It’s amazing those little communities out there where people live and work.

I hope kitty likes the new bedding after all your efforts! I must go off to bed now myself. May you both sleep well and have a good day tomorrow.

Hugs,

ER

[Hanna3]

Hi Paws and ER and all here

Paws I can understand you would need some quiet days after the visit to your sister - quite apart from the drive there and back there is the stressful situation you were and are dealing with there and taking time to rest up and nurture yourself sounds exactly what you should do.  While you are worrying about your sister you need to take good care of yourself too. Emotional stress is very draining.  I like ER's suggestion of doing something in the garden which is always good for the soul - whatever you find that gives you some relaxation and peace.

ER I haven't read those two Winton books but I loved Breath and Cloudstreet especially.  I went to hear Tim Winton give a talk some years ago - there was a huge audience of hundreds and when he walked on stage I honestly thought he wasn't going to manage to speak he had such bad stage fright.  I also think he must have a wardrobe of several of the same black tee shirt and black jeans!  Anyway once people started asking him about his writing he got into stride and was fascinating to hear.  At the end of the talk you could go up and get your copy of his book Breath signed - well he accidentally messed up his signature on my copy when his pen wouldn't work and got so upset and said he couldn't hand it back to me like that - and I said yes it's fine don't worry - and he got hold of the book and I had hold of it and for a minute we had this tug-o-war over the book!  I still treasure that copy of it with the smudged signature inside!  I thought Breath and Cloudstreet were magnificent.

Paws the weather here has been wierd, yesterday was in the mid-30s and last night I had trouble sleeping from the heat.  The old saying used to be that it got cold after ANZAC day so I live in hope.

ER I haven't heard of Peter Levine but the dog sounds  lovely - I have heard that they find kids who struggle with reading do better if they have a dog nearby - the dog is comforting and helps children relax - what a nice idea.  Where I lived previously they trained military assistance dogs and they were wonderful to watch, trained to calm down ex-soldiers with PTSD.

The prisoners in the gaol used to train the dogs and they built up a bond with them - and how good to have the prisoners doing something useful with animals like that.  There is an Australian movie called Healing about prisoners training hunting birds as therapy and as I remember it, it was very inspiring.

[Hanna3]

Paws, i'm not a beach person either - I did enjoy it when I was younger and I did love taking little Sam for walks along the beach, but otherwise I wouldn't go there - I agree about the hot sun and sand!  I do love watching the dogs running free on the beach, they always have such happy faces - smiles everywhere and ears flying!  

ER I must look up the Levine fellow whose book you are reading, he does sound interesting.  I just googled his name in our library catalogue but nothing came up - I thought they just might have the book you mentioned.

I have had a housework morning which isn't fun but at least I've achieved some vaccuuming and tidying.  

I do miss the seasons here Paws, I loved the early spring and the autumns inland - the seasons don't really happen here.  This is a big retirement area and the population is mostly older and most of the people I speak to are frightened of the cold - it doesn't bother me, as long as you can put on a good coat and go for a walk you are fine - I think the heat is much worse.  I do notice a lot of elderly folk seem to get very thin and maybe this is why they feel cold.

I think some padding as you get older is a good idea really.  I have a friend here who moved to New Zealand to live two years ago and came back here recently as she was lonely and couldn't bear the cold weather.  We had a coffee together on a hot day here at an outdoor cafe - there was a slight breeze which I was thankful for but she was shaking with the cold - no wonder she couldn't cope with NZ.  She is very thin and again, I suspect that is the problem.  She's fortunate to be wealthy and sold the house and car she bought in NZ and has purhased another brand new house here and bought another new car.  I wish I could do that!

I am off for a little while to go to the local library.  I think it might actually rain here a bit later on.  Kitty is fast asleep on the sofa.

[Eagle Ray]

Hello Hanna and Paws,

Hanna, I love your story about you and Tim Winton tussling with the book. It's so lovely he didn't want you to have the one with the smudged signature but you got to keep it and you have that memory. I really must read Breath and Cloudstreet.

I just thought I'd quickly mention that the Peter Levine autobiography has only just come out so it probably won't be at libraries yet. I just bought it as an e-book so it's on my phone. It's called An Autobiography of Trauma: A Healing Journey. Just as a trigger warning it does include the awful traumatic experiences he had as a child, though the worst things are told near the beginning. I read his books In An Unspoken Voice and Trauma & Memory a few years ago. They are about his trauma treatment approaches that work through the body first rather than starting with the mind and thoughts. He developed it in part from seeing how animals naturally recover from trauma in the wild, whereas us humans tend to get stuck. Of course animals in zoos often show signs of stuck trauma because the environment is not natural for them and domestic animals can get more stuck like us humans too. But wild animals are more in touch with and able to activate natural trauma responses and find recovery. His approach has been very helpful for me, especially as my trauma is largely embedded at a preverbal, precognitive level. When I get out into nature, that's when I can feel myself start to heal. I feel I'm a hunter-gatherer at heart and that's what I feel like when I'm out doing photography. I go into a whole different zone in my being, kind of instinctive, intuitive and present with what's around me.

Paws, I understand what you were saying about the beach on a hot day. I prefer to be at the beach early or late on a hot day. But I do remember friends who wanted to hang out there in the middle of the day in the hot sun and I really didn't like that. I do love it when the ocean is wild in winter. It can be so atmospheric. I feel the ocean has many moods, just like life. It is so dynamic.

Take care and wishing you both a good rest of your day.

Hugs,

ER

[Hanna3]

Hi ER,

Thanks for that, I Googled him briefly but didn't find anything but I had to go out and i'll try again later - it sounds a bit like The Body Keeps the Score maybe?  I'll try to find it online and I can request our library purchase it - they're very good at listening to purchase suggestions and they do generally get in a requested book.

That's interesting about animals - I certainly see at least online, wild animals kept in captivity unable to cope with the trauma at all poor things - in the wild they might be more resilient. Animals appear to deal with at least physical trauma more easily than us but they lack our super-complicated brains I guess - and anyway if they have a physical problem they are easy prey for predators and we have generally lost the need to flee predators.

I was reading an interesting book lately about how modern life is harming us, particularly because certain hormone and chemical reactions in our bodies are meant to deal with situations we don't much face any more,, such as extreme cold weather (we have heating).  The writer talked about how stress induces rises in cortisol levels and this is meant to assist the flight-or-fight response in animals but in humans we can get this rise in cortisol from situations that don't need us to physically flee a situation, so the rise in cortisol becomes harmful.

I found it all pretty interesting. The author also talked about how too much sitting is harming us and I know he's right - and we don't have to deal usually with extreme changes in heat and cold due to our homes being insulated etc - he (the writer is a medical doctor) recommended cold showers for at least 30 seconds daily as it's been shown that our bodies need a regular shock of cold. 

Since I read that I've been doing it and it releases a dopamine surge and you feel great!  He warns to check with a doctor first - I've also spoken with people who have been doing this for ages and say how good it is for you.  The writer also does cold water swimming in winter, just not for too long.  The book was by Paul Taylor, called Death by Comfort:  How Modern Life is Killing Us.  

It is so hot here today!  Also about 80 percent humidity. I can't get any energy in this weather... and it looks to be like this all week and beyond.  It feels like it wants to storm but nothing happens.  I seem to lack energy in this weather and am longing for some properly cold, windy, rainy winter days!

Yes that was funny with Tim Winton, he came across as a pretty nice laid back sort of guy who definitely didn't like public speaking - but once he got talking about his writing he settled down and was really interesting.  He talked about how all his mates did the wild driving and died in car crashes while he got hooked on surfing which he said saved his life.'

And I thought it was sweet how he worried about his messed up signature in my book!  They made a movie of Breath and as I remember it was pretty good - might be worth checking out if you like movies?

[Eagle Ray]

Hi Hanna and Paws,

Hanna, yes, Peter Levine's work is quite similar to The Body Keeps the Score. It is following the same principles of understanding trauma in the body. I don't think he has his own specific website but if you google his name the Somatic Experiencing website should be the first thing that comes up with some info on him. He is a sensitive soul and an excellent person to be working with traumatised individuals because of that sensitivity. There is a quote from him that says: "Trauma is not what happened to us. But what we hold inside in the absence of an empathetic witness". I can really relate to this and I'm sure the reason I have had trauma trapped in me for so long has been the lack of that empathetic witnessing for most of my life. I have learned to survive in a kind of isolation where I just have myself to rely on. Therapy helps in that it provides some kind of witnessing. I also find there is a kind of witnessing in songs that address similar experiences to my own or films or anything that speaks to my experience.

The book you mention about modern life makes a lot of sense. We definitely have all these cortisol activations in the modern world with nowhere to go with it. That can set off a cascade of all kinds of health problems in the body. I think that is why I like somatic approaches to trauma that do something rather than just talk about it. I've read about about Wim Hof, known as the Ice Man. He had his own trauma to deal with and found the cold really helped. He dived into a cold lake one day and he found it really helped his depression. He has now become something of a health guru to others with people getting into ice baths, cold showers etc. Of course there are health warnings for those who need to take care with cold exposure. From the age of 9 I started to have cold showers. I can't even explain why but perhaps because my childhood was so stressed this somehow helped me. I would also get up very early, make my lunch and leave for school much earlier than I needed to, even in winter. I would then sit in the cold outside the school gate that was still locked and just wait, even though it was freezing. I was also obsessed with long distance running and would just run and run and run (like Forrest Gump - ha ha). Looking back it was like I was trying to regulate the stress response in my body and I think it helped. It is the same reason that our blood pressure is better regulated if we exercise than if we do not.

The weather where you are sounds so erratic. It is hard to believe it's so hot again but the heat also persisted here more than expected too. But today and yesterday it has finally started to cool down here. I am actually wearing a jumper. I hope you are getting weather that you like where you are Paws. And I hope you get a break soon from the heat and humidity Hanna which can be hard to take and definitely zap the energy.

Yes, I would like to either read Breath or see the movie or both. I feel like he is an observer of life and probably a very sensitive person too who picks up on the nuances of human feelings and interactions and lives, and then those insights go into his novels. It would be a fascinating thing to create stories like that.

By for now,

Hugs,

ER

[Paw Prints]

Hello ER, Hanna, wave to everyone,

Lovely steady rain fell for hours last night, it was so good to hear it drumming on the tin roof.  Fingers crossed it is just the start of the Autumn rains we need.

Hanna how gorgeously comic you & Tim Winton tussling over your book, that gave me a good chuckle.  It would be nice if you were to write a note about that interaction in the book for future owners, or write it on a note pad & pop it in the book.  As someone who really likes pre loved books & the history from notes etc in them, I would be delighted to find such a thing.

ER I would be interested in what Peter Levine has to say about mortality.  It isn't something that worries or frightens me or my siblings.  As we had so many relatives & family friends die as we grew up, death was something that was spoken of regularly & as being a part of life.  But I have watched so many loved ones have difficult & painful last months & that I find is the hardest part of it all, especially the helplessness I feel about not being able to make it less painful.  I think for some people having never seen a deceased person or ever having open conversations around death it can be a a big unknown & therefore a frightening thing for them.  I feel our modern society has become disconnected from the rituals people used to have when their loved ones passed at home & the family laid them out.  Which is something my brother & I did for dad & it was a very special gift.

Hugs

Paws

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Paws, Hanna and All,

Paws, that rain sounds absolutely lovely. I'm sure the plants are happily soaking it up. A couple of nights ago at about 1:30am I heard a sound outside and thought it was just the wind. But then I listened more closely and realised it was rain. It was only for about 10 minutes but I stood at the window in reverence. It seems to have been forever since any rain fell. There's something lovely about the sound of rain on a tin roof like you describe. I have an asbestos roof so the rain lands more softly, so I had to really listen to go "ah, it's rain!"

I still haven't got to the chapter on mortality in Peter Levine's book yet, but will let you know if there is something that might be good to pass on when I do. The chapter is called Living My Dying. It will be interesting to read what he says. I feel too that I am now quite at peace with death itself having been with loved ones at the time of death and afterwards. But I know what you mean about the struggle they can go through in the last months. Being an empath means also feeling what they are going through and I know that can be so hard. I will certainly let you know if I come across anything or think of anything that may help. I feel like being a steady, loving presence helps and I know you would know that well from your own experience, but I agree that it's feeling helplessness in wanting to alleviate any suffering that can be really hard.

I completely agree with you that our modern society has lost touch with some of the meaningful rituals for when people pass. There are still societies where the family lay the person out and have that involvement after they have passed. It has become a very controlled thing now with set procedures. Both my parents passed in hospital so there is a protocol to follow. I think any way you can reclaim that involvement, within whatever the situation allows, can provide a sense of comfort and as you say it is a gift. My brother and I sat with each of our parents for quite some time after their passing and we both agreed that really helped us. It is of course individual for each person as to what helps them and feels right. I have read about groups set up to discuss the topic of death who meet for coffee and discuss whatever is helpful for them. I think it is a way of trying to re-introduce a topic our society ignores these days in a lot of ways until it absolutely has to be dealt with, rather than accepting it as part of the cycle of life.

It is rather windy outside now. Speaking of rituals, I'm trying to decide whether to get up early for the ANZAC service. The last time I went to one was with my dad when I was about 10. That was the dawn service in Kings Park in Perth. I really like rituals and I do have relatives to remember who either died in war or returned from war. I think rituals are a very important thing for us humans. I am also learning to think of rituals for things I am sorting through in myself. Sometimes with something that feels like it never got fully healed, I feel like I need to just find the right ritual to make peace with the loss. It can really help in the processing and healing.

Take care all,

Hugs,

ER

[Hanna3]

Hi Paws and ER and everyone

We had wonderful rain here last night with a big storm - today everything is nicely soaked and it's stopped raining but it's much cooler - hooray!  I'm so glad to hear you both got rain as well - ER it must have been wonderful watching the rain come down after such a long time with none at all.  I once had a house with a tin roof, I loved the sound of the rain on it but it was difficult if you were trying to listen to music or anything as every other noise was drowned out!

Paws yes I have that fun memory of struggling with Tim Winton over my book - he looked so upset when he messed up the signature and exclaimed, "Oh, mate, I CAN'T give you THAT!" - I think he calls everyone Mate.

Paws ages ago I volunteered as a nursing assistant in a palliative care unit at a large hospital (I had some previous nursing background).  I volunteered at night after my day job.  I absolutely loved it, and I sat with several people as they passed on.  Honestly I found it very calm - they were well cared for there, the palliative care was superb, so they were not in pain - and most passed very calmly and often it was a release for them I think.  As you have said, illness and dying are often painful and exhausting, what I witnessed of people passing on was that it was honestly OK - they were on medication and just gradually slipped away.  One lady told me she had had enough and she slipped away easily with me there with her.  I felt it was an honour to be with these people at this time - but yes, there were times I went home and had a cry, mostly about people who were dying young or had young children, because they were heartbreaking.

I have little rituals at home I enjoy - because I agree humans need ritual, we are strange creatures!  I have a favourite teapot, and at night I have my tea in a special mug and I use the teapot, instead of just dunking a tea bag in a cup.  It feels so nice after dinner to sit down to a pretty mug and lovely old antique teapot and a favourite biscuit, and enjoy my tea without hurrying.  I sometimes wish we weren't always in such a hurry these days - I was looking for rolled oats in the supermarket the other day, and most of them advertise "ready in 20 seconds" and I wonder why we are all in such a rush?  

ER yes people here are strange, they are so scared of the cold, even just a tiny breeze seems to bother the old folk.  I guess living inland where it snowed in winter - I just loved it, as long as you have a good coat you are fine.  I used to enjoy getting rugged up and taking the dog out for a good walk along the river.  I only recently started the cold showers, I think they give you a hit of dopamine and make you feel good.  I just don't cope with heat.

I'm afraid I didn't get up for the local ANZAC day service, it was raining hard and I am sorry for the people who did attend, it must have been very wet for them.  It's only a small service here - where I lived previously they held it at the large war memorial in the town centre and they used it as an occasion to train the military assistance dogs.  I hadn't thought about it, but of course the dogs have to get used to the crowds and noise and music and flowers everywhere - so they used to have them at the cenotaph with their trainers.  It was always very cold by then and the ceremony drew huge crowds there.

When I lived in Sydney I used to go to the march there and loved it - especially the Scottish marching bands, having a Scottish background!  I do miss being able to go to that.  It's very quiet here.  I might take myself for a drive now, it's nice to see everything wet from rain and overcast and cool for once!