Self Worth - when you lose it.

MarkJT · ‎19-09-2016

In early 2013 i was diagnosed with PTSD, depression and anxiety. I had lost all of my of resilience and self worth. I distinctly remember having this horrible physical feeling in my chest at this time. I have never been able to adequately describe how bad a feeling was other than it was like the devils own butterflies in my chest. I had it for a few weeks and then it subsided....thankfully!!

Has anyone experienced this type of feeling? How long did it last for? Can you describe it better than what i can?

Cornstarch · ‎19-09-2016

I have horrible body sensations with PTSD.

One of the weirdest is in the legs, where I quite literally feel like I will just spontaneously drop to the floor.

With the centre of the chest, it is fraught for me because of the nature of my trauma. When you've been physically restrained the saying "suck it up" takes a whole new meaning. I'm assuming it's where my vagus nerve meets my diaphragm but the emotion held in there is terrifying. That's why breath work such as yoga is so fraught for violent assault victims and often why they can't do it without going into overwhelm.

The energy of when you initially "sucked it up" is trapped and just so scary.

Strangely the best thing for me and my scary chest sensations that put me in terror is vigorous exercise not gentle like yoga.

Chinese medicine believes that the spirit is in the heart centre and when someone has a severe trauma or repeated traumas, they are "out of their body". Body and spirit are disconnected. Interestingly a lot of people who have heart attacks or heart surgery can often experience depression after it. Maybe Chinese medicine is onto something and it's not always about the brain.

MarkJT · ‎20-09-2016

I like the words about Chinese medicine. I think it is very naive to discount something that has been around for so long. A mate of mine who was actually clinically dead after a boating accident told me that he watched from above as he was being worked on and brought back to life. So i think it is well worthwhile to open the mind up (not you but people in general).

Really interesting (and extremely unfortunate) that soft exercise like yoga is triggering. Never thought of that but really good to know. Vigorous exercise is golden though. I know when i used to wake up feeling completely horrible, i would go for a real hard run and completely exhaust myself. Took the edge of the feeling and allowed me to get through the day.

Cornstarch · ‎20-09-2016

Not only naive regarding medicine and health insights from "other" countries, other than Western schools of thought, it is quite simply arrogant. Western medicine can be so arrogant sometimes. Amazing advances of course, but a little bit of humility wouldn't hurt.

I'm totally on board with running! The only thing stopping me from "doing a Forest Gump" is worrying what people will think of me. I've lost count of how many times I've woken in the middle of the night with this desire to grab my joggers and just friggin' bolt out the door for a 10km run like a crazy person with my little legs and arms thrashing. With PTSD movement is the key, otherwise you will implode.

Yoga is out of the question for violent sexual assault victims. Concentrating on your breath are you insane! Your diaphragm + vagus are as tight as they come. Like steel. While on the floor with your arse in the air and your eyes away from everyone else in the room! I don't think so. Bolt instead or thrash and kick in the surf.

Totally can relate to your mates "near death experience". Until you have had one, trying to describe what that is like to someone who hasn't - is just futile.

Mine was at the hands of a father figure. You can imagine what that did to my psyche.

Us NDE's can behave in what is perceived to be very "strange" ways. If you've ever nursed someone to their death with cancer or the like, that's how we live today. We tell randoms that we love them, say goodbyes as if today is our last, and how amazing they are because we were taken to that point where we were a second away from "departing", and we don't take life for granted.

It makes you feel like a dinosaur inside some days but I prefer to think of us as "Old Souls".

Your pal is just an old soul.

Karam · ‎27-09-2016

Hi Mark,

Mine is always led by chest pain that is not heart attacks. I remember repeatedly going to emergency department thinking it was heart attack but got turned back each time as it was not. I even stayed in the Canberra hospital car park for 2 days as I was too afraid to head home. But then I realized I was allowing my anxiety to rule me and dictate me. I should not

Thats when I started going for run, going for a coffee or to the gym when I know I am starting to get another attack - I keep myself very occupied as for me that is the best way to get around it - to keep my mind away from it

I also used to have bad acid reflux episodes during my anxiety periods - this led me to also monitor my food and avoid anything that will make the anxiety attack worst. This involved me sitting and listing down what I ate during the attacks that caused the reflux and changed it - it worked

I just had to do it. Thats what I told myself. There is no way out and I am the only one who can make the changes

Wandercharm · ‎27-09-2016

The World is not quite in focus for me today, so although I can't quite relate how I relate atm, I thought I'd just say I appreciate this discussion. Thanks guys.

radiojammer · ‎27-09-2016

I can identify with Karam as I am suffering from reflux and dont know what to do about it. I have tried umpteen different types of medication, had 4 different tests including one in hospital and been to the specialists yesterday. He cannot really help me other than suggest I go to my gp and do something about my mental health. He seems to think its partially caused by the way Im feeling within myself. Im on anti anxiety tablets but not anti depressants. I get pains in my chest and a terrible tightness in my throat, it's unbearable at times. The specialist doesnt think my problem is dietary related so i havent altered my diet and generally eat healthy food. This reflux is exceedingly uncomfortable but i cant see my gp until next Tuesday. I am undergoing trauma in my life that i cant talk to anyone about and im wondering whether this is contributing to my problem. Ive been suffering from this reflux for months and it wont go away, i cant work out whether it's stress related or not. Im beginning to wonder whether ill ever feel normal again.

MarkJT · ‎27-09-2016

Wandercharm: I hope that things are better for you now. So many of us have been to where you are/where at so trust me when i say that things do get better. Certainly know what it is like to lost somewhere between somewhere. Do you practise mindfulness at all? If not, have a look at it.

radiojammer: I think that if you are undergoing trauma that you can't talk to anyone about, you need to talk to someone about it. To keep this pent up inside may be detrimental to your mental health and if there are already some mental health matters at play, it can make them worse. Would be awesome if you contacted the beyondblue helpline on 1300 2234 636. You can talk to someone and discuss it. I can tell you that when i was at my lowest and didn't really want to speak about it, i did and felt much better about doing it. I figured that i had a whole heap of poison (trauma memories) within me and by speaking about it, the poison was leaving me....and the poison eventually left me.

Karam: thats awesome that you identified some ways to get past the anxiety. So awesome when you work out the ways to succeed. Well done.