'''Self trust''' - a path to recovery, or too difficult a task?

[Just Sara]

Hi all posters and readers;

A recent situation occurred which proved valuable in learning to trust myself to be a better person for me, not 'them'.

Many times I've read about people who say their trust has been eroded in everyone and everything in the world; suffering with agoraphobia, or becoming a hermit by choice.

I suffered a break-down and then anxiety/panic symptoms for yrs, but have had relief due to acting on my own behalf instead of relying on those around me to change, or pleasing them because they refuse to change.

This meant I had to learn to trust 'my' judgement, motivation and skill in communicating what I wanted. It also meant learning to defend my position tactfully, without being swayed by emotional threats or fear of the same.

When I first started doing this, albeit clumsily, others resented it, argued, ignored me or gave unpleasant looks. Yes, it was hard to say the least. But as I persevered, my skill and resolve improved.

No, I still don't trust those around me to do right by me. However, 'they' are learning not to abuse me or my resolve now, and blow me down with a feather; they're changing! Standing up for me, without previous fear, gives a real sense of freedom and empowerment.

How brave are you? Would you consider standing your ground with people you're scared of being yourself around? Could you trust yourself to do right by you; tactfully? Would you rather feel happy when you go home from a family gathering, or feel resentment and inadequacy while complaining to your spouse in the car afterwards?

First time posters are welcome to respond too.

Sara

[white knight]

Hi Sara

Such a relevant post.

I liken it to you being a soft punching bag. Then, in desperation you take yourself down off the rafters, place it on the floor so those that step over it, the line you've drawn...trip over.

Tony WK

[Just Sara]

Thanks Tony for an interesting analogy;

It makes me want to yell; "Na na na-na na!" That's the child in me feeling relieved and a little smug. I forgive myself for this; it's been a long time coming.

Trust in others is earned; trusting myself has to be learned.

Sara

[Moonstruck]

I'll be completely honest with you Sara, even though it is virtually admitting to all on here, that I am a lily-livered, gutless coward - here goes!

I don't trust my "instincts" or "gut feelings" at all!

Whenever I have, as far back as I can remember , when I trusted myself to do or say what was "right and honest" - it resulted in major disaster, pain, loss, abandonment, the worst outcomes. Now myself, my instincts, gut feelings - call it what you will - coming from the deepest part of me - are things I have learned never to trust!!

[Starwolf]

Trusting oneself goes hand in hand with knowing oneself, doesn't it ?

It has taken me many years to be able to make the difference between my real self's judgment (trustworthy) and what my traumatized over self "thought" should be done, said etc...(untrustworthy). Because both were so closely meshed together or kept switching places at the drop of a hat.

Learning to make the difference between response and reaction (often over-reaction) was a difficult process, fraught with mistakes. When confronted with someone or a situation, which part of me wanted to act, speak or let it pass ? The reasonable, insightful one or the one coming straight from the fight and flight department ? Sometimes, the traumatized self disguised as the reasonable one and pushed me to assert myself too strongly ... when compromise would have been more adequate. My real self is tactful, the over-self anything but !

As things become clearer, the real self becomes more confident and asserts itself more often. And yes, those around have to either adjust or leave. A truly confident, assertive person doesn't have to say/do much. A healthy sense of self-worth shines through and acts as a shield against unwelcome interference.

As you so rightly say, it is a learning curve.

And hey...a touch of smugness is justified. Nothing wrong with enjoying a feel good moment when tables do turn. At last.

[Just Sara]

Good morning Star;

I grasp every word you've so eloquently written. Learning self trust is indeed a process of transition from reaction to self awareness and assertiveness. It does take guts and especially will/determination to do right by our own sense of right. (So we exist for ourselves and those in our care)

The traumatized and belittled individual, ultimately and preferably, learns they have a footprint. So looking back at our decisions and actions is one of the first steps to independent thinking. This isn't about blame, it's about understanding 'choice' and opportunity.

When I first began changing, I listened without saying much at all. This paved the way for me to witness the process of conversation from an observers perspective; learning and creating new strategies to combat old modes of response and attitude. It meant assessing what worked and what didn't.

I also had to determine 'what' I was so afraid of when speaking my mind. Consequences as Moon states, can tear us apart if we allow them to. This went hand in hand with 'who' was more important...me or them.

I had a talk with my sister a couple of yrs ago whereby we both admitted we'd been jealous of the other our whole lives. I wasn't the only one afraid and feeling helpless, unworthy, unloved.

She recently apologized to me for being distant and critical of me due to satisfying her husbands loathing of my presence in her life. (35 yrs!) It's still emotional for me to talk about. Her decision to do this hurt us both very deeply. The consequences of in-action can be devastating.

I'll leave things there...

Sara

[Just Sara]

Dear Moon;

Thankyou for contributing; I'm not surprised by your response as you've said these types of comments on other threads.

Name calling isn't productive nor relevant in this instant. Each moment we're here, we have choice. Opportunities to do, say or think any way we like; that's reality. Would you say those things to someone you loved? A child perhaps?

I'd imagine not. We were once children, and that child's experience still resides inside us. As parents, we want our kids to grow up feeling loved, heard and cherished. We want them to live with integrity and purpose. Isn't this what you want for yourself Moon?

Although I'm constantly challenged by this same question, I slowly move towards trusting me to do right by me. Trust isn't just about being around others, it's about how I treat myself; ideally, different to how my parents, partners, bosses and friends treated me. It's a work in progress, but probably the most important task I've undertaken in my life.

I don't blame you for being scared, I'm afraid each time I even think about doing something (undisclosed) that promotes independence, health and well being. I'm not giving up on me though, even till my last breath.

This is a challenging topic. I feel the pressure within my body as I write. I may not become the whole person I want to become, but it can't be as bad as living with such self deprecating opinions of myself.

All my best...

Sara