Planning a healthier mind

[white knight]

Seems so many projections are made for short medium and long term goals. We plan our careers, education, loans for houses, cars or holidays. Why is it that some of us don’t have any projections of where our mind will be in 5 or 10 years?

One answer could be that with our demons we live on hope and we live day to day. Hope that scars from our traumatic childhood will one day be conquered. Or maybe that you as one of several siblings was just the unlucky one with bipolar and that one day there will be a cure or it will…go away?

Perhaps you dream of your abusive parent paying you a visit one day out of the blue and offers a sincere apology that will fix everything from the next day onwards.?

It doesn’t seem realistic does it? So if you think the same as me, why aren’t we planning projections, goals, to our future mental health? We plan our physical fitness routine don't we?

It seems odd to me that with the one thing that stops us blending successfully into society, our mental stability, we live on hope but not extend our efforts of treatment to include our own long term plan.

So here goes? At what stage of your recovery from depression, anxiety, do you want to be in 2020? We have covered many times the fact that managing your illness rather than seeking a full recovery is more real saving us from disappointment and self loathing. So what projections can you give yourself for your hard work at researching your illness and improving yourself?

My goal is that by 2020 I will have a stable family relationship with all my selected family members. There are rocky ones in there that partially has been due to my moods and lack of patience. Patience isn’t on supermarket shelves but I can try when those people are around me to listen and make effort to care more. To express that to them directly. In terms of personal relationships I plan to be less outspoken and more tolerant.

My goal by 2025 (I’ll be 69yo) is to be rid of guilt for anything I’ve done to anyone that was unreasonable. Based on the fact that you cant undo the past and I am remorseful. This is not for others, this goal is for me, for my peace, for my worth as a man.

Part of being positive is to make plans that are achievable. To avoid being “stuck” in not advancing with your mental health, plan your mental well being as you would saving for a new car.

Goals daily, monthly, yearly, 10 years. you can improve. Fall down? get back up and plan again

Do you have a plan?

Tony WK

[Moonstruck]

I am glad you understood where I was coming from White Knight....when I referred to people dropping in unannounced, doesn't mean I have hordes of people crowding my front door or anything.....in this world of technology as you know they can also penetrate the bubble with texts, emails, phone calls - with random invites "You going down to the coffee shop/pub/shopping mall..later?".....

and how on earth am I supposed to drop what I am doing, thinking, reading, watching, writing....to answer a text like "Whats happening?" as one of my acquaintances loves to use. I mean, where do I go with that?? I am not good with "small talk" so haven't a clue how I am supposed to reply - or what they expect of me.

The peculiar (or is it) thing is....the folk who penetrate the bubble and want to turn me into them.....are not my several close, close, long-time, cherished, trusted, loyal friends....(I think if one can get to my age and count one's dearest friends on one hand, that's not doing too bad)...they don't do it to me - they don't need to.

[Moonstruck]

Yes hello again Dizzy.....I replied to WK before I saw your response also. you bring up some interesting, insightful things indeed - and I agree it is because I am scared of repercussions if I say No.

I suffered a series of traumas involving "loss and abandonment" all in a row...the major one being my husband leaving me and our two little kids - I have been afraid of abandonment, disapproval and being disliked ever since ,which was a lot of years ago.

I might start answering people's questions with another question...I've never thought of that before. have a good weekend Dizzy...and thanks.

[white knight]

Mmmm answering a question with a question can work sometimes.

My training as a prison warder 38 years ago was invaluable. Answer a prisoner back without tact might not mean you are wrong as such but a while later you could be severely injured.

So, there is a mid ground of harmony to seek out. A friend texts you "what's happening"... First rule here for us is that texts do not require answering. If ever you are asked " I don't have my phone handy nowadays, its always flat or I don't have my phone on while I write etc " or "cool, what's happening your end"?

Something happened today. Wife and I on holidays in a pool up north alone. Mature couple entered pool. For the next 30 minutes was full of small talk to us. Wife managed to break free half time.Every second was excruciating. The weather, what tyres does you caravan run, kids etc. They were nice people if you don't mind small talk then....the topic turned to their accident, their injuries and their rehabilitation. Then the slow death of their 18yo dog. It was all too much for this animal lover and a man with a work history of the jail environment.

I stuck it out and 4 hours later am still calming down. That bubble thing didn't work for me. I just have no alternative but to not attend public places.

Tony WK

[Moonstruck]

Oh WK....I can just see you..trapped in a swimming pool....did you consider ducking down under the water while they rabbited on......they would have still been talking when you emerged again!

How's this for pathetic weakness.. yesterday I found myself partaking in an activity (sprung on me without warning I admit)...that I did not want to! The other person with whom I have a close relationship was having a marvellous time.....I hated it! I never want to do it again....I will see the person again today....and have to say something....they will be disappointed I know...and question why the hell I didn't say something yesterday?? I don't know how to answer that.....I felt so overwhelmed yesterday I just couldn't find the words to be assertive...now I feel a fool and they will no doubt be annoyed that I am bringing it up at this late stage!!

My anxiety is through the roof....I have been "over thinking" what I'll say, how they'll reply etc all night and morning...can't settle to anything. I have to remember what I think Dizzy said "to look after ME...to put my needs first this time".....after a seeming lifetime of complying....this is so hard for me...wish me luck.

[Elizabeth CP]

Hi Tony, I'm glad you got away on your trip but not getting stuck in the pool. I would suggest making an excuse eg Sorry we need to get going (don't need to say where to) or I need to swim otherwise I'll stiffen up. Any excuse will do issued politely.

Moonstuck Do you see anyone for your anxiety. I find my psych helpful as we have built up trust. I tend to agree to things rather than asserting myself & then feel worse about being so weak. I have discussed these incidents with him & he has helped me work out better ways to deal with it in the future. Having someone put a more positive, realistic perspective has really helped me not feel so bad about my reactions. It is still a work in progress.

[white knight]

The problem with making yourself your main priority is guilt.

Whether I could have broken that continuous jibbering or whether you moonstruck, could have returned home immediately you felt uneasy...we both would have felt guilty that we hurt someone else's feelings.

Yet, these people in both cases were totally unaware of OUR feelings, worse still is they automatically thing we are enjoying their company/activity.

This is because they cannot extend themselves far enough away from themselves..."of course this would find my account of our accident interesting... A thousand others did".

I said to my wife it is a reason people become secluded, shut away.

Add to this intolerance, my tendency to say the wrong thing and my at times high desire to become a mute comes about. At 12yo a trauma (my brother nearly drowned) I was mute for 3 months, not a word. I felt in shock and I felt safe.

I've observed others at this tropical caravan park how they communicate. Some with gossip to feel as a team against a poor soul, some bossy about taking up too much clothes line space etc. I don't warm to what I see and hear. I'm ready to jump down anyone's throat because these people are destructive and a threat. The best firm of defense is attack, being prepared.

Why so pessimistic? Well I have insight to my illnesses. Most don't. I wrote an article here you can google - Topic: so what are their mental illnesses, beyondblue

If we assume 1 in 10 people have BPD, 1 in 5 have depression and so on, there is a sizable number of people will some level of issues. But of course there is nothing wrong with them- just ask them lol.

Add to that narcissism, cruelty schemers and racists and the like there isn't many people I'd be compatible with.

And they me. With my ultra fragile make up. My wife and I took a walk into a tropical rain forest yesterday. 200 metres in and I broke down..why?

I was out if my comfort zone, I was hungry, I wasn't sure of the right path etc...who knows!

Us with deep seated daily issues cannot find ultimate peace. And the people that like to find vacant ears to blab about their discounted bargain undies better find someone else.

I'm quickly becoming a grump.

[Just Sara]

Hi Moon, Tony and Elizabeth;

Communication is a 2 way street. However, it begins and ends with us. (me) That's why my bubble has been so important. I hide from others to assess my own skills and change the way I respond. I practice on loved ones I trust, or strangers who I'll never see again. Step by step.

Tony, your anecdote with hrs of mindless listening is something I could'n't do. I've been there and had to say; "I'm sorry, but this holiday is happening because I need time away from others. I don't want to insult you, but I need time with myself (or partner)" They responded graciously and apologised. I told them they're not psychic and weren't to know. I was left alone.

Getting inside other people's heads can screw you up. We're only accountable for our own behaviour. If we leave it up to them to make us feel better, we'll be waiting around all day. Our emotions seem to lead our communication. (People with mental health issues) If I put myself in their shoes, and have to listen to me ranting or crying all the time, I'd be put off too. But if I loved that person, I'd let them know how they're making me feel helpless because nothing I do seems to work. For some reason we want to be happy all the time and never have to face conflict or problems. I'm learning I have to face issues; uncomfortable or not.

Moon; you're not doing yourself any favours by thinking about what will happen. Just know you need to speak. It may feel clumsy at first, but practice makes perfect. Risk taking is the only way people evolve and gain confidence. If those who you open up to react badly, walk away. It's not worth it to stay and engage in useless rhetoric or debate with people who just want to 'win' a conversation. Empathy works both ways as Tony said.

My commitment to change is spurring me on, but has instigated an internal battle of old me, new me - old me, new me. I'm so over it. But, I push on. That's all I can do. I have a great psychologist like Elizabeth does and take advantage of her wisdom often.

Kudos Tony for sharing, push on Moon and well done Elizabeth...Dizzy x

[Tech]

Hi White Knight

Very interesting read. Long term goals. In 2020, I'll be 59yrs. In 2025, I'll be 64. I have to give my long term goals some care thought. Hopefully, I'll still be working and ..............?

Regards

Tech

[white knight]

Hi tech

Well we are in Albany WA 3/4 of our trip around oz in the small...tiny homebuilt caravan I made.

We plan, upon our return home to country Vic to build a larger one. 11ft isn't long enough.

So goals whatever they are is crucial to good mental health.

Hi dizzy. "You just need to speak it" Bottling things up for the sake if peace doesn't do us good. Agree very much about that.

Tony WK

[blondguy]

Hey Tony WK

Way to go! Dizzy will always be a legend to me and as you just mentioned "you just need to speak it"

I wish I was in Broome WA

Tony....what was that movie with Lucille Ball....Was it the ' the long long trailer'? I remember seeing that as a kid 🙂

Have a great break mate. Paul