Physical confrentation avoidance advice

[Shannonjacob]

Hey Guys,

This is a bit of a hard one to explain so forgive me if this thread goes of on a tangent however, I am at an absolute loss with trying to avoid physical confrentation. I know this sounds cliche but I do not go out looking for trouble and it seems I am cursed with the trouble finding me.

over the past few years I had a number of Court appearances regarding matters that I did not instigate personally however, unfortunately didn't go the right way about avoiding these situations either.

I was handed a 4 months suspended sentence for assaults during those confrontations. I was brought up in a male dominant Family where being an ' Alpha ' if you will. was a day to day practice. nobody was tougher than you, nobody could intimidate you ect. As you could imagine, my first reaction to confrontation with another male was the typical alpha male response. To Fight!

I have since lost contact with all the authority figures of males in my family and have been able to decide for myself how id like to act, how id like to react to those situations. how I could swallow my pride on try to be the one to avoid or defuse a situation before it became close to physical.

I have learnt to remain calm, use a low stern but not aggressive tone, firm yet not aggressive body language. The problem I seem to be having is, when I attempt to walk away, it seems that is a sign of fear and I am followed time and time again. If I try to explain that I am not interested in fighting. that seems to egg them on more.

I fight at a professional level of MMA, this makes it more and more difficult when you're trying to defuse a situation with a guy who may not stand a chance but I have to sit there and let them hurl abuse at me until I am seeing red.

on a number of occasions it has turned physical despite my attempts to cool it. if this happens my first reaction is to but them in a grappling position and hold them there pain free. I then say I will agree to let you go if I can get up and walk away. this doesn't work especially if the other party is on drugs/alc.

this happens on the road, In the shops, at the bank and again last night after celebrating a friends birthday. I do not enjoy fighting and to be honest it frustrates me. I am at a loss on how else I can get out of situation with nobody getting hurt.

I am worried for my safety, the safety of others. I am not sure if I a missing something but, if you have any tips. I am desperate for help

[White_Rose]

Dear Shannonjacob

I offer you a warm welcome to the forum. This is a safe place to talk about those things that concern you. No bullying here or judgements. We accept everyone on face value. It seems particularly important to reassure you about this web site given your life experiences.

Do you mind if I ask a few questions? I was going to ask if these confrontations happen in similar places but then read your second last paragraph. So nowhere in particular. Are these other people in a similar group? e.g. teenage group of boys, older men in ones and twos. I ask because I wonder if the typical person who attempts to fight you triggers some past event(s). I know if someone uses a particular phrase, very common phrase and polite, I find myself stiffening up because of the person who used it originally and caused me a great deal of harm.

It's possible you may not even recognise this as triggering. I see you are making great attempts not to be dragged into a fight and I congratulate you. It is not easy to walk away, literally or verbally, from someone who thinks it great to verbally abuse another.

There are a couple of avenues you could pursue. Ask your GP for a mental health plan and see a psychologist for up to ten sessions. In this safe environment you can explore yourself and the effect you have on others. I am not suggesting you have a mental illness. Many people will consult a psychologist for all sorts of reasons and find it helpful.

You can continue to post in here where others will be along to reply to you soon. Those who have had a similar experience can offer suggestions that have worked for them, or even that have not worked but may suit you. We are all different and need different mechanisms to stay out of trouble. Perhaps we can talk about these.

Can you tell me what MMA stands for. You say, I have learnt to remain calm, use a low stern but not aggressive tone, firm yet not aggressive body language. Great start. The problem sometimes is, what you consider a reasonable tone of voice etc is seen by others as aggressive in some way. Can you think back to the past couple of incidents and look at where it all went pear-shaped. It can be very helpful to re-run the video and pick that moment. We cannot change anyone only ourselves. Very frustrating. Try to see where it went wrong and think of other things you could have done. It will not change the past but may be a great help in the future.

Please keep posting.

Mary

[Shannonjacob]

Hi There Mary,

Firstly, Thank you for taking the time to respond. You have raised some very important points.

as for the people who tend to seek trouble with me. I do live very close to an area considered as a low income area. Now, please dont take this as a judgment or generalization but, the said area does house some rougher personalities (again I tried to put that in a way that wont come across as rude/judgmental and I do apologize if it did come across that way)

violence in the area is high, crime rate is high but I never really expected this to be a common occurance.

MMA is Mixed Martial Arts. Think UFC if that gives an idea.

When you said " re-run the video and try to pick the moment it went wrong " I have just done that and realised that while I thought I was doing all I could do to avoid violence. I had still unknowingly drawn a line at what I'll put up with and once that line has been crossed I would fire back.

this bring forward another idea of letting those boundaries go and not firing back at all. For example - there is one curse that I wont allow anybody to call me. If by chance they do, I fire up.

In the event another situation arises I'll work on not firing on triggers and perhaps try to walk away even if I do feel threatened by the following to an area more crowded or visible.

I think a little tweak in my own willpower here may very well be a key factor.

Thank you again for reaching out

Shannon

[White_Rose]

Dear Shannon

I just wrote a post to you and clicked in the wrong spot and lost it all. I am cranky with myself. Hope I can remember what I said.

I don't think you were rude or offensive about the people near your home. It is sad that those with fewer resources also appear to have little self esteem and hassling others makes them feel important. Not a generalisation.

I'm glad you found the video tip useful. By the way, thanks for the MMA translation. Now if you could translate UFC is would be lovely.

I wonder if you can rewind some of the other episodes and compare them to find any similarities. If there are some commonalities you can practice ways of coping with them. I'm sure you are used to practising your martial arts skills and anticipating reactions. Having a repertoire of responses may be a great help. The unfortunate part is when we are in danger most of the brain opts out leaving you with the fight, flight, freeze options.

There are two thoughts about keeping your brain working successfully. One is the over-training method which has you learning and practising so the action becomes automatic, no need to think of a response. The other way is to change the way your brain processes your thoughts. It's called neuroplasticity and you can find lots of information on the net.

Neuroplasticity: The brain's ability to reorganize itself by forming new neural connections throughout life. I found this definition.

Actually both ways work together very well. It's useful to know the reasoning behind these sorts of things.

Rethinking your boundaries is a good idea. Knowing more clearly how far you will go is always a good start.

Mary