They are indeed personal. We humans are a diverse lot. The values spectrum is wide. But the point of this thread is to explain the benefits of flexibility when it comes to working with others, that have different values...and that's everyone! If we stand by our own values to the letter and believe those values are something to be proud of and are "right", then how can we get along with others when their values conflict with ours?
There are some issues that can get in the way of values. Miscommunication is one. Merely taking comments from others that appear they differ from us can make a friendship terminal. We get sensitive, angry, confrontational and sometimes our friendships and family relationships are terminal.
From my observations those with mental illness often, but not always, have difficulty in this area of personal values. Not in having them, in falling into conflict because such values aren't the same as others values. I grew up in a household that us siblings took offence if we didn't agree with each other. I joined the RAAF and lived with other men. It came about one day when a guy said "that's ok, I don't agree with you but that fine, we cant agree on everything." It opened my eyes up to how people can disagree agreeably. Wow, I cant maintain friendships!
The next step I had to learn was to reassure others that there is no need for conflict. To disagree is ok but as we can disagree on basic, touchy topics like politics, religion, children, etc we should avoid conflict by reassurance ..."its ok, I'm disagreeing but I see your viewpoint. It's not the end of the world and I don't want this to hurt our friendship, I value you". Do it! Reach out.
Finally, contact later. Sometimes a friend could leave our home with disappointment. Wait 2 days. Ring them. "Hi Ralph, I just thought I'd ring you to see how you are, I have no bad feelings about our tiff" Then the golden rule- keep quiet, let them speak. Once they have finished "getting it all out" you can take it from there, depending on the conflict you can wait a few weeks and try again.
Relationships are fluid. They ebb and flow. Expecting friendships to remain firm and constant is not being realistic, maybe hopeful, optimistic and inflated. Familiarity breeds contempt, is true. To expect relationships to move in and out due to differences in personal values, is to accept that pliability, flexibility that's required to make it work long term.
We cant agree on everything.
Tony WK
