Penny dropper- Anger issues

[All_things_green]

so I've been told I have anger issues...for the first time the penny dropped and I now actually agree.

I thought I knew myself better than that...but I obviously don't.

I realise I am a very prideful person and have a lot of fear around failing or looking bad. That is why I am highly strung and pedantic about things..getting things right or whatever that means.

I thought I was a great communicator, but I'm actually quite a on surface talker and connector.

People warm to me a lot but it's obviously not for my depth and ability to connect.

I actually am so surface with the way I process things I have been told by my family I am like a robot.

I actually thought I was quite a warm and caring person to my husband and older kids.

The embarrassing thing is I work in a white collar industry, & appear to be very together and quite successful.

Shame on me!

This ain't all that when you don't have people around you that you love and they love you unconditionally. Maybe I love and like people with too many conditions???

Big question mark?

I just need help to figure this one out?

I have no idea how to look in the mirror truthfully and make changes.

I need to make change.

Any thoughts people in the real world?

[Zeal]

Hi All things green,

Welcome to the forum!

It is good that you have accepted you have anger issues. Based on your post, you seem like a lively and social person. Please don't feel ashamed. People with a successful job and life can have problems of this nature too. If you don't mind me asking, do you have any other personal concerns or areas you think you need some help with? If you want to talk to someone understanding, you are welcome to call beyondblue's helpline on 1300 22 4636. You could also chat to a loved one, as having someone else's perspective could help.

Would you mind explaining what you mean when you said "This ain't all that when you don't have people around you that you love and they love you unconditionally. Maybe I love and like people with too many conditions???"
I just want to make sure I understand more fully what you said, so I can try to make useful suggestions 🙂

It would be great to hear back from you.

Best wishes,

SM​

[Starwolf]

Hi All things Green,

Thank you for sharing your thoughts. It seems you have done quite a bit of soul searching already. Well done ! Naming those troublesome areas is quite an achievement, certainly nothing to be be ashamed of.

Acknowledging the negative aspects of our life takes courage. It is also the first step towards resolving those issues. There could be many reasons for your anger. Life certainly presents us with many reasons to feel this way...And you're right, anger is generally a by-product of fear. Sometimes, finding the root cause of a problem involves digging deep into the psyche (and also the past). The mind is a complicated maze to negotiate. Our self image is often blurred or clouded. This is why many of us have recourse to a guide and opt for professional help. It often takes a qualified outsider to help us clear the view.

Knowing oneself is one of the most difficult things to do. It is also the most useful. We are complex creatures and this complexity brings confusion. Have you thought of seeing a therapist ? Is there an anger management group in your area ? Your post shows that you are honest and open. Terrific assets when you're on the quest for answers...Many are intent on pushing/keeping things under the carpet but there's no way we can fix what we cannot confront. Kudos to you for wanting to know...

I wish you all the best on your journey of self discovery.

[Cornstarch]

I concur with Starwolf. I think you have heaps of courage to own it.

Let's face it. When a guy gets angry people are like: "Oh he's just frustrated, let him go".

When a women gets angry it's like - "psychopath".

I hate the double standard.

I'm not Zen about my anger because I had so much baggage around it i.e. I associated it with my father. There-fore when I had so much of it in the first 5 years of my meditation practice I was absolutely terrified. It was terrifying. I thought am I turning into him? I am a horrible person. I should be locked up, even though I only ever took it out on an inanimate pillow or screaming underneath the surf.

The judgment of the anger is almost more painful than the anger itself. In Vipassana meditation they call it the 2nd arrow of double arrowing. The first arrow of suffering is the suffering itself. The 2nd arrow of suffering is the judgmental mind coming in and saying you are a horrible person for having it in the first place.

Be gone the 2nd arrow!!

Good luck.