Newbie - Coping with chronic pain ,depression and grief

[Lumlo]

Hi I am new to the forum. I suffer with chronic pain ,depression and grief and currently have worring problems with my adult children.

One has had major surgery and the other has been on drugs and has ongoing legal issues and mental health problems.

With xmas close I am not coping well and need some support. I am hoping talking on the forum will help me.

[Lumlo]

Thanks for your reply.

I have a regular gp and physcologist and its my gp that recommended your website and some others . Unfortuately my gp has been away for last few months and another month still. I dont feel comfortable to talk to the stand in gp regarding my problems. Its a few months till I can see my physcologist too but have booked an appointment. There is not really anyone else my family/friends that I can talk to.

Today I was unable to catch up with my son while in the area although I stayed in the area for most of the day its over an hours drive for me . Its difficult as he has no phone now but I did get a brief msg after I got home so I know hes ok atm. I offered to get another phone but he did not want it. I will try some of the emergency housing numbers on Monday and try to get him to connect again.

[Rabbit33]

Hi Lumlo,

It must be so difficult. I admire your efforts and drive to continue seeing this through. You're the very definition of unconditional love. You really need to give yourself some credit and self admiration for what you are doing and how strong you have been through this process. it couldn't be easy for anybody to experience and i'm so happy that you're comfortable seeking support on this forum. This is the stigma attached to mental health unfortunately and the result causes the isolation. It doesn't just affect one person, it can affect the ones close to them and it sounds like you're falling the victim of that. I really am so sorry that you are going through all this alone and am sending your positive energy!!!
If there is no one that you can immediately seek support from due to absence, then it may be ideal to reassess where you're at mentally and whether you're okay with taking this on. If you're finding it difficult, which is 110% understandable, it's not a sign of weakness or failure to put some of your needs above your sons.

it sounds like he keeps disregarding your efforts to engage and try work through this. But if he sent a message through, then i guess he is aware of the situation and the toll it's taking and he cares about you. otherwise he wouldn't bother at all. Just a thought, maybe when you do contact the emergency housing places, request that one of them approach him instead of you and see if their efforts have a rewarding outcome. He may be ashamed or unable to accept the support from someone he knows he is hurting by his actions. At the end of the day, they are there to help. it would also be a nice break and feeling for you to know that someone else is involved. Although it's not a home run, it is a helping hand.

You will get through this and things will get easier, i promise you that. You just need to remind yourself that each day. keep on top of the doctor and psychologist. See if you can make an attempt to call the psychologist and have a quick chat over the phone?

I'm heading away for a few days tomorrow but i will have my Mac with me and access to wifi. I'll keep returning to this thread in case you need to chat or vent. Timing may be a little slow but I'll be checking every few hours or so. I hope that knowing we are here for you eases a little bit of the overwhelming emotions that you're experiencing.

Keep your chin up. Try and remain positive and just don't over think it all.
Speak soon.

[Lumlo]

Hi Rabbit33

Thank you for your reply. I dont think my last reply posted but Im not sure. You make some good points. I will have to take care of myself as I am not coping. I will try and speak on the phone to my physcologist maybe about suggestions for some medication or if she knows of any support groups to help me. I am not keen to start on more meds as I have worked very hard to get off most medications on my pain program but I need something to cope now.

I appreciate the support at this hard time

[Rabbit33]

Hi Lumlo,
Thank you for replying. I think it's good that you want to speak with your doc or therapist about the possibility of medication. If you have doubts or don't like meds, there are other options you could discuss with them. Like CBT, it's great and i think could really benefit you. I've copied a text from the betterhealth.vic.gov.au page at the bottom of this. It would form a close working relationship with your therapist and i really like the idea of keeping a journal of events and emotions. Would be handy to have the therapist work through and suggest alternative scenarios that will then develop new methods of you dealing with future problems.

I don't know if you're into books or not by my Mum gave me a book called 'Boundaries' Where you end and i begin, by Anne Katherine M.A - A lot of the context may be irrelevant but it does send a very powerful message that boundaries are important and we need to enforce them with every relationship we have. It sounds like your emotional boundaries are being taken for granted.. In the long term it will strengthen relationships and promote a much healthier you!

I hope this information helps and it would probably be ideal to speak with your therapist before making any big changes. I really hope your therapist can work closely with you on this and start empowering your worth and health. You need to draw the line somewhere and decide when is it your time! Because you matter and you need to have a healthy relationship with yourself Lumlo!

"Before choosing CBT, issues you may like to consider include the following.
CBT may not be the best form of therapy for people with any type of brain disease or injury that impairs their rational thinking.
CBT requires you to actively participate in treatment. For example, you may be asked to keep detailed diaries on thoughts, feelings and behaviours. If you are not prepared to put in the work, you may be disappointed with the results of CBT.
CBT involves a close working relationship between you and your therapist. Professional trust and respect is important. If you don’t like the therapist at the first interview, look for another one.
While CBT is considered a short-term form of psychotherapy, it may still take months or longer for you to successfully challenge and overcome unhealthy patterns of thinking and behaviour. CBT may disappoint you if you are looking for a ‘quick fix’."

Hope you're feeling a bit better today. Sending you strength and hope! 🙂

[Lumlo]

Hi Rabbit 33 I am a keen reader and have begun reading bounaries thanks for the suggestion. I have done CBT in the past and taken medication but its several years ago now and things were going well for me but the last 8 months have just been a nightmare and it seems so hard to cope with it all on my own. Its several months between appointments with a physcologist and I am lost with how to help my son. He now seems unable to comprehend now serious things are with court in two weeks he wont discuss it or see a lawyer but is then terrified and attempted suicide when in custody last. I know I need to have boundaries with how much I can do for him but emotionally I am falling apart watching it unfold . I dont know if its the mental illness or drugs have affected his head but hes like a child just thinking I will ignore it and it will just go away. I am not keen to go back on medication but I have to do something and I just dont know anything else. I remind myself when there is life there is hope.

[Rabbit33]

I'm glad you're giving that book a read. If only to empower you a bit and reassure you that you need to spend a bit of time looking after you.
I wish there was more i could suggest with your son. Did you get onto the emergency housing? Were they able to offer any assistance?
Do they have any suggested groups that have been through similar scenarios that you could contact? Maybe someone with the same experience as him could try reaching out or give you some suggestions..?

Taking drugs is only going to drastically affected his mental health. I think you're doing amazing!

Hope you're okay!

[Lumlo]

Hi Rabbit33,

I saw my gp and have decided to take some medication for a while. I spoke to my son and offered to help him contact emegency housing, he told me he would do it on his own. So I sent the information sheet of phone numbers and addresses of several places that can help. I am very worried but it seems there is little I can do. I will try and contact him in a couple of days again. I am taking steps to take care of myself more as my own health is suffering now. I am going back to my yoga class next week. I feel scared for him but realise I can only keep offering to help its his choice. Thanks for you reply.

[Rabbit33]

Hi Lumlo,

I'm so glad to hear this. I know it's not an easy decision but you are right in looking after your own health too. Lets just hope that he does reach out to them and make contact, i'm sure he will.
The yoga classes sound like an amazing idea! Do a couple things for you and then something for him, stay on top of your own health. I hope the meds help you, remember to give them sometime to take affect. Keep me posted. Sending you strength! 🙂

[Lumlo]

Hi Rabbit33

Yes you are right my son told me he is getting some emergency housing today. Probly only temporary but its a start. I think the girlfriend helped organise it so thats good. As for the medication I hope it helps I have to try something as my health is deteriorating from loads of stress. It was interesting to read about boundaries and I have been considering mine. I know I am a people pleaser so often just do what others want not necessarily best for me. I think better boundaries could help me.

Thank you

[Rabbit33]

Hi Lumlo,

That's great news! That's one less thing to worry about now. It's positive that the girlfriend is able to engage with him. it may be worth keeping in close contact with her as a means of support for him and even for you, even if it's just to keep your mind at ease. The boundaries book is very interesting, isn't it. There's a lot of context that is totally irrelevant but the message is strong. I really hope you're doing better and so glad to hear you're taking steps to look after yourself. 🙂
It's easier to just do whatever makes others happier, and a lot of the time it's a great feeling, knowing that you're able to help. but there needs to be a line. I'm really feeling positive for you.
Sending strength your way!