New Poster Trying to find an Avenue to Vent

[Waltr]

Hey!

This feels like the first time I did therapy, scary but needed. Anyway just checking this chat board out as essentially I’m at a bit of a loss mentally. Spent a solid 2 years in therapy 1 full day a week but it just doesn’t go. I got diagnosed with bipolar among other things a few years back but struggled with the medication, it just made me put on weight and turn me into a zombie. I just live in constant fear and mental pain, I have to walk through life hiding it. It starts as soon as I open my eyes, my mind is manic. I’m 37 and I had to step away from my business and essentially retire... which is just not doable, problem is all I know how to do is run a business. So I’ve tried to start back up again but I simply don’t have the stomach for it anymore. I always knew mentally I had problems but I also attributed that to the way I was as a person and it made me, ‘me’. A lot of people told me during therapy and when I was on medication was that it was destroying the real ‘me’.

That aside since therapy I have cut out all alcohol, drugs etc and bad foods. I’m vegan now, I run up to 20k a day as it helps with my mind. Having ‘control’ over my body is a big awakening, it’s a positive I can control to not impact things around me, it helps. Overall I feel I’m a better person after therapy but I have days/ weeks where my mind just goes, it’s uncontrollable. Like a snowball building steam down a hill growing. It’s scary but I probably should meditate, enjoy the present and just be thankful for what’s around me, which I am. I am so thankful, I really just wish I was stronger mentally like I was for so long. I am grateful for the support system I have around me but I don’t want to alarm or burden them with the fact that I’m not coping again, I know that’s the wrong attitude but I don’t. I do feel I hide it well but the worry and the seclusion just isn’t healthy.

Anyway I can’t really afford therapy anymore so I’m just looking for something like this online where I can connect with others who have the same thing and just get what it’s like to live with this. I’ve spent a lot of time learning about all this so hopefully I can help others in some way.

Thanks for listening!

[Doolhof]

Hi Waltr,

Welcome tot he community here and thanks for sharing some of your journey with us. I have been diagnosed with a few mental health conditions. The more I learn about them the better I understand why I think, act and behave the way I do.

Speaking with a life coach recently, I have learnt that with a lot of hard work, the brain can be rewired. We may always want to slip back into our old/usual way of thinking, acting and reacting, but that can be changed.

I am still trying to work out just how I can do that!

Some times I am able to be aware of the unhelpful thoughts and can accept them, reason about them and change them to something more useful and friendly.

Yesterday I had a dreadful negative day. I decided what ever I tried to do wasn't working so I had a snooze, sat in the garden for a while, crocheted and watched a movie. I accepted I wasn't going to get much done. Today I was able to do a lot more.

Maybe try your support team and see what response you get from them.

I have difficulty reaching out to others. It would be so beneficial if I could do so before I became stuck once more in that downward spiral.

Wishing you well, from Dools

[Waltr]

Hi Dools

Wanted to Thankyou for your response and a lot of it’s relatable. Which I think is the main reason to why I joined this forum.

In my ‘support group’ I don’t feel comfortable reaching out as a lot of them think it’s something I’ve ‘overcome’. Which I know bipolar is with me for life and it’s not something I overcome. I also can’t put them through another round of therapy as it took it’s toll on them.

Its just a scary to be honest and mentally I feel/ always have felt very isolated.

I am committed to fight it and will try get some positive routines added to what I’m doing like meditation etc.

thanks again and I appreciate you.

[Doolhof]

Hi Waltr,

Hope you had a bit of a better day today.

I was feeling really tired and emotionally drained. A walk was out of the question, so I did some raking in the garden, broke up a load of sticks ready for winter fires and cleaned up a little inside, did the washing and changed the sheets.

I've also managed to make a couple of Birthday cards.

Some people are able to overcome their mental health issues completely, for others they have good days and some that are down right horrible.

I'm telling myself that tomorrow does not have to be the same as today. Then again, I did feel lousy and still managed to achieve quite a lot so that was good.

Mental health issues can make us feel isolated. Today I telephoned a couple for people for a chat. One lady had no time for me, that is okay. I have no idea what is happening in her life right now. The thig is not to take my negative thoughts and catastrophising to heart.

Sorry, I am raving a little as I am very tired. I don't sleep well either!

When you have the enthusiasm and energy to do something, what do you like to do?

Cheers for now from Dools

[Waltr]

Hi Dools

Thanks for your comments and so much of it resonates with me.

‘Catasrophising’ and losing control of my mind is one of the most difficult things to control. Basic things help it but I went in the ocean yesterday and just forced myself to stay in for as long as I could, try to switch off. Gardening for me has a similar effect.

The isolation is tough. I had an amazing group that I spent a year or so with in therapy, it was a special time that helped me actually understand myself for the first time in my life. By the end of it I had to force myself to leave as most of the people around me were looking for me to move on, be fixed I guess. Thing is this is me, parts of it I really can’t stand but to be honest parts of it make me the person I am.

So important like you said to do something you enjoy daily, I used to walk the dog when I first got sick as I couldn’t leave my room for a few months, that was the first thing I could do. Now I guess it’s more about having a purposeful approach to life and I do my best to do that with my impact on others, food that I consume not impacting the earth and whatever else I can do. Not for everyone but it works for me when I’m spiralling. Making a commitment to making positive choices and positive impacts.

I hope the garden is looking good and you are ready for that fire as the temperature is turning and starting to get cold!

Good to chat and hope your day is going well!

[Doolhof]

Hi Waltr,

I'm a little envious you can into the ocean. We live miles away form a beach. The ocean and beaches are my peaceful places. Maybe I can Google pictures of beaches, listen to sounds of the ocean and try to paint beach scenes.

We have a large garden, live in a region that has been in drought and have severe frost in the winter, so makes gardening interesting. At present I am trying to cut down and remove dead bushes and trees. I will have a lovely pile for a bon fire later on, as not all of it is suitable for the wood fire inside.

It is interesting seeing the changing colours over the seasons. We have a lot of birds here too so I enjoy seeing those and keep the bird baths full.

I'm missing some of the groups I used to be involved with. Some of the people were just there for the group and not for further friendships.

I am blessed to still have employment, have not been there long and sit at a desk away from all the other staff so it can be lonely. I need to think more positively about my work and life in general.

Yes, isolation is tough. We all need to find positive and maybe meaningful and pleasant ways to fill our time.

We can use this time to torment ourselves or improve ourselves. Sometimes we just need a nudge to point us in the right direction.

Cheers from Dools