Mania, exhaustion or paranoia?

[white knight]

I've always been the same. Cant relax, always got a project on my mind and a couple planned for the future.

18 months ago I retired. Retirement really doesnt start straight away, sorry to disappoint. You have to do a few things like - paint that gable that is starting to rot or it will need replacing, make that wood shed before autumn or your wood will get wet and electricity will cost more to heat your home and get your vegie patch going or you'll miss out on the summer crops.

That's how its been for 18 months. Lately add to that my 6 year quest to get my customised vehicle on the road. It's now finished, ready for a trip up the mountains next week with our camper trailer and mini foxy. But it has all come at a cost in the last few days. I just cannot forecast when my endurance is about to run out. I think many people would, a week earlier, say to themselves....the machine can wait, I'm having a rest for a day or two.

So two nights last week I worked on the project vehicle till 6 or 7am then crashed for 4 or 5 hours and into the project again. I enjoy my handy work, the end result and the journey to it. But it always comes at a cost. My moods swing, elevated for happy results, cheesed off if I'm taken away from the shed to attend things like shopping or even putting the bins out. = angry wife.

I'm lucky. I know my mood and sleeplessness will subside. I can even feel it in the few days I've felt down. I dont know if its mania, paranoia, obsession or simply years or wanting to get to a point I'll be at next week- that trip, with the vehicle finished, the camper on the back and not a worry in the world.

Of course they'll be the what if's, what if the new radiator springs a leak?, the new engine dies or the .....And I realise how negative I've been lately. I've written a number of threads on positivity, motivation and the like yet I struggle to carry out the very things I promote and recommend. In fact in hindsight, its easier for me to preach than act.

I've done the cognitive thing, the relaxation, the therapies etc. I'm done trying to overcome this up and down motion of excitement down to despair. Then in an instant it will all revert back from despair to excitement again. It's coming, likely tomorrow or the next day.

I just wished sometimes I was stable, boring, bland and uninteresting...then I wouldnt be on here writing this story.

I suppose I'll just have to continue being the unstable, moody, smart, cool & wonderfully handsome guy I be...great-, its started!!!

[Pergatory]

Pergatory... no I won't go there as you appear to be to be conquering the gremlins of your mind..........

You should be very, very proud of completing this project. 

I truly believe that in its completion, it is a project that was meant to be, and therefore totally normal and in tune with your psyche.

So follow your dream and allow the what ifs as part of, again, a normal process.

Oh.  And never ever wish for the monotony, banalness, boredom in life - there must be more to life than just that.

V

[Beltane]

This sounds so much like me it's not even funny.

For years I had what I thought was deoression and anxiety. I could be really happy for a few hours then find myself crying with no idea why.

When I was "happy" it was amazing. There weren't enough hours in the day. I wouldn't be able to sleep because I'd have so many ideas: I want to do that, this, that. I've driven long distances to find 24 hour shops before because I couldn't sleep until Id brought a certain thing- I did this even if I didn't have the money. 

People would remark how "cheerful" "happy" or "energetic" I was. I'd be almost bouncing off the walls with energy- infact it would be extremely distressing to me to have to sit and be still. I even went home sick from work/ school because I was too restless to focus. It was like a restless energy buzzing through me- to the point even id become absolutely "convinced" that I had to do something, and id be unable to think of anything else until it was done. 

There were times I neglected to consider consequences, or properly think through the project. Simply because my mind was just too energetic and hyperactive to focus. I'd also be really confident, totally sure I could do no wrong, I was amazing, perfect.... 

and then there was the flip side. The times where the energy flipped to agitation, the restless to irritability, even anger and frustration. It would continue to turn until I was depressed, fatigued, exhausted, paranoid, totally low self esteem, crying, negative thoughts- so bad itd be hard to get out of bed and even harder to work.

then I'd go back to the happy version.

i thought it was deoression and anxiety. I knew what mania was but my symptoms didn't quite fit mania, so I never thought of bipolar.

3 months ago a psychiatrist told me about hypomania. It explained everything perfectly- the mood swings, the crazy bouts of creative energy and restless, the sudden drops into depression. I can cycle over hours or days. It means I have bipolar type 2.

I got on a Med for bipolar type 2- a low dose antipsychotic. I Stabilised within a week. I'm still me- with all my creativity, personality, lovely creative ideas and dreams. 

But the crazy highs and debilitating lows are gone, my mood is much much more stable. Now I get happy instead of manic, blue instead of depressed. And my moods are for a reason- Im happy if something has made me happy, not because my bipolar has swung.

let me tell you, I feel amazing now...

[Neil_1]

Hi there White Knight;

Thanx so much for being able to unload and share how things are at the moment;  or potentially, how they've been building up for some time.

It's so hard - to be dealing with 'stuff' and yet all the while it continues to build up and up and then it gets to the boiling point, where the bubbles inside us can't be contained any longer and it overflows.  Then things crash down around us.  And all the while, we supposedly were feeling "fine" or "ok";  but I think in the greater scheme of things, it wasn't like that at all.

You've been a power of strength on this site since you've joined and have fitted into the forums like a hand into a glove;   and you said something (that like Beltane) I can very much relate too.

With the giving out of advice and positive messages, tips and tricks learned along the way in order to help others;   but when reality comes crashing down into our own backyards, it's sometimes really difficult for our own selves to see the 'light';   to see the positives.   And as such at these times, we suffer just as badly as anyone else.

You're an awesome member of this community Tony, and at this time, I hope that you can just do all that you need to do, to make sure that you're "ok".  Take a step back if you need too for a little while;   you know we'll still all be here.  But looking after yourself is the key and most paramount thing at this point in time.

Your mate,

Neil

[white knight]

Beltane-

you described it well.  I've been on antipsychotics, I think I tried 7 or 8 of them and they werent for me. Then mood stabilisers hit it well plus a small dose of anti depressant.

Yeh, that cycle is a troubling one. I can disagree with someone, say a committee member of a club, then in the sad mood reach out and even go as far as apologise even when I'm right. It's a total flip side of my own convictions. Yeh, bipolar 2 is one I have along with depression dysthymia and anxiety, the anxiety has almost gone now. Glad you found this is bipolar 2 because I have had trouble pigeon holing my symptoms.

Thankyou Neil. It's funny how I can, as Beltane stated, can "conquer the world" then fall in a heap. It isnt really controllable and thats where the disappointment comes in that I cant implement my own advice, because my mood is too low.

But as I've stated on various threads- there is a flip side to depression and for me its poetry and viewing the world differently. Stepping back as you suggest, is part of that process. And my wife gets a bonus too. I tend to reach out to her more, we get closer. It doesnt compensate for the mood swings but it will compensate if you elevate those positives to a greater importance. And thats what I'm doing today.

And soon I'll be ok again.   xxoo

[Beltane]

Hey again White Knight.

I have the same fear about becoming "boring". I was quite resistant to going on medication for depression originally as I believed it would remove my creativity and personality. I had a similar fear with anti-psychotics. I am blessed- it has removed my extreme anxiety, and it has blunted the extreme ups and downs. But it hasn't removed my creativity, energy, personality, or zest for life. I still have lots of cool ideas, and the energy to do them- but now I can stop and sleep for the night :P. Now I can actually think them through properly. I don't randomly collapse in a depressed heap when i least expect it anymore, or randomly snap at someone. I can wake up every day in roughly the same mood (a nice mood), unless there is actually a real reason to be in a different mood.

I think we have to hang on very tight to our traits, gifts, talents and skills. Some of those we have maybe because we have lived life with a mental illness. For example, i have a lot of weird talents like sewing, playing musical instruments and fire-twirling. This is because my extreme anxiety and agoraphobia prevented me from socialising, so i found other ways to entertain myself.

I sometimes smile when people ask "how can you do all these different skills". I sometimes want to say "i developed all these skills as entertainment for myself because i was too anxious and at the mercy of mood swings to develop friendships". Kind of sad when you think of it that way, but... it is what it is.

Regarding what you said about pigeonholing... my doctor and I are loathe to put labels on me (or anyone). To me, the medical diagnosis is only helpful as far as it can get me the right treatment. Since we've found a treatment that works, the exact diagnosis isnt really important. I prefer it that way. I just want to be me, with all the complexities and struggles that a human mind has. If some of those struggles have medical names and treatments, then so be it. I am grateful to have a treatment. But i dont really think about it- i'm more concerned with simply living my life to its fullest and using all my skills to their utmost.

[geoff]

dear Tony, there have been lots of good responses back to you, all of which there are so many points in each of them that I can totally relate to, but at the moment I can't focus properly, as I have something on my mind.

What I do know is that you are a very capable man from what you have achieved, plus your support to other people has meant you have excelled yourself, and that can never be taken away from you. Geoff.

[white knight]

Thankyou all.

Yes, I heard of a story of a little girl in Melbourne that approached the Deli Lama. she asked "of all the things I should have in my world what is the most important?" To which he replied "self confidence".

When I'm down the self confidence escapes as well. I've noticed my paranoia has taken root the last day or so.

Funny enough, when younger with this state of mind- I'd have a darn good cry and recover quicker. But I cant now so it takes a few days.

Anyway, I'm on the road to recovery and thats important. 🙂

[Beltane]

Keep trucking on Tony 🙂 I always like to think of Dory, the blue fish from Finding Nemo. She always sings "just keep swimming, just keep swimming". I like to sing it when I'm feeling down. You know, she had a mental illness too (amnesia). She was a pretty cool fish though- she did some amazing things, in spite of amnesia!

It sucks when we get that low point. I never know if its a bipolar thing, or exhaustion, or simply lack of a good nights sleep and healthy eating :P. i do find even something as simple as not getting enough sleep can be the cause of a bad day. I even got an iphone app called "Optimism" (love the name!) where you can keep track of your moods, triggers, symptoms, and "keep well strategies." It comes with some things already listed, but its very easy to edit everything- add or remove things to make it suit you.
It takes all of 2 minutes to fill it out every night before bed, and i can see very clearly "ok ive had a bad day today, but look- ive only got 6 hours average sleep a night the past few nights, and i've had 2 "stressful events' in the past week. Alternately, i can see "ive done lots of "stay well strategies" this week and my mood has been wonderful."

its helped me figure out how my triggers affect my moods, how my stay well strategies affect, how sleep and exercise affects....

you can even make it show charts- so i can look at the charts for my last few weeks and see how my mood and anxiety have gone up and down, and how much sleep and exercise i got.


but yes, i always remember my dear friend Dory the Fish, and I remember that the dark time always passes. It might be hours, or days, or even weeks, but if i keep slugging away with my "stay well strategies" and keep reminding myself that it WILL pass... one day i wake up and i realise it has passed, and i get to revel in and celebrate the better happier times. I am blessed, with my meds and therapy so effective, the dark days are short and mild, the happy days long and wonderful.

Just Keep Swimming 😄

[geoff]

dear Tony, if you look around at what you have achieved, built, worked at under pressure, ideas on working on another project, some which you have completed and maybe some left on the drawing board or perhaps only half finished, which I believe would be just a few, or probably nothing, then that's the experience you need to gain your self confidence, so it's never gone, just floating around, so you have to try and catch it again.

You have to remember that nobody can stay positive and feel successful 24/7 365 days a year, it's virtually impossible, although you get Mr. Smartie who thinks that his *******shines out of him all the time, but he is only kidding himself.

What you have been able to accomplish deserves an enormous pat on the back, and we know the strength that you have to bounce back. Geoff.