Making friends when vulnerable

[Guest_1643]

Hi all, I'm building myself up after I was unwell recently and was linked in t the Triage, who helped me manage some severe depression/anxiety/suicdal ideation. I'm lucky it's gone well for me, but am now looking to connect more to new people and organisations. I am starting to meet people, but they are now in recovery groups etc and have their own mental health problems - i'm wary although also curious, if maybe they could be real friends for me. I'm also just enjoying being out and about with people. My feeling was alwys that i'd rather be alone than be with toxic friends who don't support my mental health, and when i was very low i feel like my friends gave awful advice, and even discouraged me from taking the time off to get better and get well. So, screw that. But finding friends who can be there for me seems really challenging. How do you connect to people when you feel really vulnerable?

[Guest_1643]

My new friend and i went out for a meal and it was nice. I wander what will happen, it's so hard for me to tell the full truth these days. But we met at a recovery group so I obviously have my story. He's nice. I previously thought I made a friend in recovery but we had so little in common, and there was a neediness issue, the friendship became like all encompassing, with that person contacting me again and again daily with dozens of texts.

[Peppermintbach]

Hi Sleepy (& a wave to all),

Yes, I think it’s always a bit of a gamble. I agree it’s hard to say how a friendship will progress over time. But it sounds like you’re off to a good start with your new friend though 🙂

I understand sometimes excessive contact can be draining. That is understandable and valid. I know it can take its toll...

If neediness is a concern, I would gently suggest maybe trying to understand your own boundaries and any potential new friends’ boundaries too. I think it helps to remember that we all have different needs and different boundaries, & we don’t always know what they are till we talk about it...

For example, different people require varying amounts of regular contact & validation. So I think the important part is ongoing mutual communication, so you and your new friends can mutually understand your respective boundaries and negotiate your needs.

That as my opinion at least 😉

Kindness and care,

Pepper

[Guest_1643]

Hi Pepper,

You're a great support, thank you for being here and sharing your insights. It's always great to hear and get that input. Part of the problem before was that my friendship with that woman was so text-based. She never called me or saw me. I guess I've learnt that my boundaries are around having friendships start slowly and gradually, and include a lot of face-to-face contact or phone calls, or at least some. I don't want to seem judgemental of her. I think she took on the role of being "higher importance" in the friendship, always seeking support and needing me to be her main friend. The problem was I stopped recognising how important I was, particularly as I was in recovery myself, and had been suicidal not that long ago. That's why these boundaries matter so much.

[Peppermintbach]

Hi Sleepy (& a wave to all),

Thank you so much for the lovely words 🙂 I also appreciate how you’re sharing a bit more about your past friendship struggles.

I think it’s empowering that you’re now aware of your own boundaries. Well done on your self awareness & growing assertiveness. I can empathise with you...

In the offline realm, I also personally value face-to-face time with friends, or in any other relationship. Texts are nice & can be okay in certain contexts, but I agree that it can never truly replace or substitute actually spending time with someone in person...

I feel it’s a huge step that you’re recognising how important it is to not lose yourself in a relationship, such as friendships. Your needs, boundaries & feelings matter too.

kindness & care,

Pepper

[Guest_4643]

Hey Sleepy21, and everyone else.

Thank you for your kind words, I'm always here for you and everybody else on the forums too. I had a break and it's nice to come back to polite words especially when I'm having a hard time and stressed, so thank you.

I hope you and everyone else here is well, take care all.

Love and hugs all around,

Tayla x

[Guest_1643]

hey all - welcome back Tayla. You're very appreciated here. Is it nice to be back here?

sorry you were having a hard time. It shows the value of polite words, you never know if someone really needs them and I guess we should all try do that here.

Feeling a bit lonely at the moment. But pushing on

[Guest_1643]

today i'm really needing a break.... chasing my tail and don't feel like i have clear support to get through each moment. I have to go to therapy less because of $$$ and I'm resentful of it. The friend that I made wasn't such a nice person... but boundaries are in place now as he was unfortuantely wanting more to be friends with me than I was with him. I want to have new friends as I grow and change but my experience in these recovery places is that it is hard to make friends and keep them there... people have a lot going on and are looking for different things from a friendship. Someone who's been through the same recently used the phrase - "trauma bonding." Oh dear. Not exactly what i am looking for

[Peppermintbach]

Hi Sleepy (& a wave to all),

It really does sound as though you’re struggling, & feeling discouraged & frustrated lately.

Sadly, yes, finances is often a consideration when it comes to professional mental health support. It’s a sad reality, & I really feel for you...

I have heard of trauma bonding. I know those types of bonds can feel very addictive, but are ultimately toxic & unhealthy relationships when it comes down to it.

I think it’s good that you’re assessing your current friendships, & respecting your own needs and boundaries. It may just take some time to find your people...

Kindness and care,

Pepper

[Guest_1643]

Hi Pepper,

I have had a hard few days but reached out for help and felt tremendous relief.
Trauma bonding was mentioned today by one of Harvey Weinstein's victims. I wander if it is a technical term. Do you think it has that element of addiction?

I'm quite past the stage of feeling addicted to that bond type, but I feel sad and frusdtrated meeting so many who are in different ways trying to manipulate my health and attempts at healing, and bring me down. When I had met this man he enjoyed unloading everything at me and losing his temper in this ery unchecked way that terrified me. So I have spoken it through with a professional now and very a bit better. But people will always use and abuse I guess it's how you navigate and find your tribe. I haven't found my people yet. I am hoping to try a GRow Group next week, and the Traige man recommended other neutral grounds outside of recovery centres, like going to a musesum or public places to just be around people.

[Guest_4643]

Hi Sleepy, and others here.

How are you, Sleepy? I've been thinking of you. I'm so sorry you're struggling, I wish I could do something and take your pain away, but I hope I can support you and everyone else on the forums as much as I can, I try my best.

Take care.

Tayla