Looking for better ways to convince myself?

[miniature_tiger]

Hi, I've been struggling with depression/anxiety for a number of years, but in the past year I've started to seek help, including antidepressants and journalling. I'm hoping to see a therapist once the lockdown eases a bit. My family does not know about any of this, but they have seen changes in me and seem happy for it, which makes me happy, too. However, we still get into arguments from time to time- whenever they yell at me, I end up crying. I cry very easily when someone raises their voice, but I think they are convinced I am playing the victim to make them feel guilty. When I was younger, I was probably very prone to this, as I often had a pity-party rather than making any changes to my personality. Now that I am older and trying to fix the way I communicate with myself and others, I feel like I have grown past this, but I still cry when shouted at and I am prone to wallowing in sadness and blaming myself.

I know I am on the path to self betterment, and I know that I am actively trying to change my thought patterns instead of telling myself I am a bad or unloveable person. However, I still feel like I am....pretending. I feel constantly like I am just a bad person who is perfomatively pretending to be good to gain sympathy. I know that actions are reality, and even if I'm only pretending to be good, if I do end up doing good, I will sort of be a good person? But I really hate feeling like I am pretending. I feel like I am manipulative. It upsets me that my parents still see me as this manipulative child, but sometimes I worry that they're really just the only people who are right about me and can see me for who I really am.

I am looking for any suggestions on how to combat this feeling of pretending, or to convince myself I am not pretending, I am actually getting and doing better. However, I don't want to do that and actually just be deluding myself that I'm becoming more mature and emotionally stable.

Do any of you feel the same way? How do you deal with it? Do you distract yourself from it, or is there a way of dealing with it head on?

Thanks everyone for listening!

[Aaronsis]

Hi miniature_tiger

Welcome to the forum and to your first post, it is great to have you apart of this supportive and caring community. I am so sorry that you are struggling with how your emotions come out and that you feel like you are perhaps being manipulative by crying in response to being yelled at.

I am so pleased to hear that you are using journalling to get your feelings and thoughts out, this I believe to be one of the greatest ways of healing. I too have benefited from this and continue to to this day.

I want to start by saying too, we are all made up of different ingredients us humans, some are as strong as an ox when it comes to emotions, they way in which they process information and thoughts and feelings does not always become obvious through action, like crying, or even laughing or even being able to show love and affection. Some of us..and this is me..are very delicate, and when presented with a situation our emotions go into over drive. This could be happiness or gratitude or when someone says something hurtful it goes straight to our core, which can result in tears. Can I say that neither person is right, or wrong, or better, or worse..it is just who we are. You are allowed to cry, you are allowed to feel and you are allowed to express your emotions.

Now in saying that, if it is that your emotions are causing you frustration and you don't like that you are so 'sensitive" there are some things that I try to do when I know I am going to be presented with a situation that could cause emotion. I talk myself through it, in my head, let myself now it is coming, that i will feel sad and that is ok, this time I will breath and I will not cry as I have acknowledged the situation, I can accept the words that are being said to me and respond. It takes practice but by no means does it mean you are pretending or faking, it just means you don't like being so reactive and you are trying to manage it. This self talk may or may not work for you.

Your emotions will change as you mature that is true, however sometimes we just have to accept we are the beautiful people we are and that is fine. I cry at movies, I shed a tear if I see a person doing something nice for another, I am just that person and that is fine. Maybe miniature_tiger you may see that trying to fight the sweetness in you is actually a fight you do not need to have.

Hugs to you and hope to chat some more

Sarah