Living in the past and overthinking/worrying about life now and the future

[DMA27]

I feel silly even stating this as an issue as i know people have far worse situations happening in their lives.

In 2014 my boyfriend of 4 years and i split (over a stupid unexpected argument), mid 2015 my grandmother who raised me & was the closest person to me passed away & i started my first full time job in the field of which i studied. Since all of this happened 4 yrs ago, I feel like i have not been myself. I thought i had life all worked out - planned to spend the rest of my life with that bf & i didnt expect to feel this way when my grandmother was gone. Since 2014, my ex and i have gone back & forth to each other because i think deep down there is still a strong love and bond although things just dont seem to work and I, as is he - am having difficulties letting this go. In the midst of the 4 yrs since we've split, we have both spoken to other people. The guy i have spoken to is the complete opposite of my ex - kind hearted, gentle mature, serious (amazing) however, has little time for a relationship due to work & other commitments. I feel too scared to to date him for fear of the unknown future, regret and whether its the right thing todo or not.

I have not been myself since all of this has happened & i dont know why. I struggle to make decisions, I have difficulty falling asleep sometimes, have poor concentration & focus, i keep busy to avoid overthinking, i dont give my all to my friends, family, work & relationships the way i use to & i overall just feel like time is flying by, life is moving extremely fast & i am just stuck in i dont know what. My friends are getting married, having babies etc - whilst i did have all of this planned also, things have not gone to plan (which i know is part of life).

I have have been told by many people that i overthink and i know i do but i cant help it, even if its regarding the future and something that hasnt even occurred yet. I am unsure of what life path to take and what its current purpose is (i am wasting time not knowing what to do). I think about this all the time and it constantly feels like i have a weight on my shoulders. I know my friends are sick of me saying i cant believe how old we are, where have the past 4 years gone?, should i do this?, should i do that?

I feel like i just go to work and come home but thats all thats really happening. The rest of the time its me trying to fill in time!!

I just want to feel like i am living in the moment again & know what im doing and exactly what i want.

[SammyD100]

Hi DMA27

Firstly please don’t feel silly for posting about your issues. They are not silly - and even if it is the case that other people have worse situations going on - this is an issue for you and one that is important to work on.

In the last four years a number of life-changing and difficult things have happened to you. Losing a beloved grandmother, and a potential life partnership, were both significant events and were both likely to have resulted in significant grief reactions for you. Grief is an incredibly complex feeling and process to work through and it is possible that you are still processing these two losses? Compounding all of that was a massive life event for you – starting your first full-time job – and when big things like this happen we naturally want and benefit from the support of the people closest to us. But unfortunately the two most important people in your life couldn’t be there for you.

I wonder if perhaps you’re struggling to feel like yourself because it is the case that you have some unresolved grief-related feelings? If you are finding yourself still stuck in the past, it would be very difficult for you to look forward to, and plan for, the future at the same time.

It sounds like there are a million thoughts running through your head a lot of the time, making it hard for you to concentrate, focus and fall asleep. You say you just want to feel like you are living in the moment again, and I wonder if you have heard of Mindfulness, and/or Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT)? Both of these are based on principles of being in the moment, and not getting caught up in all the thoughts that run through or head, but instead curiously observing them and letting them go.

Perhaps you might like to look into some ACT books - maybe starting with a book by Russ Harris, The Happiness Trap? A good mindfulness app is Smiling Mind, which you might like to download too. I like to listen to one of their meditations at bedtime which helps me to fall asleep.

Would love to hear what you think!
SammyD