It's nice to hear, but that's not me

[james1]

Okay so this is a more general thought/question that has been running through my mind for a while now.

I have often thought the words, "that's not me", in response to a variety of ways to help me:

- A speaker is telling us about his or her recovery story and how he or she managed to get through it. Me: I'm glad you got through it. But that's not me. I can't do it.

- A friend tells me that he managed to rebuild a relationship with his parents. Me: I'm glad you and your parents managed to do that, but my parents and I are different. We can't do it like that.

- A million people on the twitter share some kind of mental health hashtag. Me: I'm not any of you.

So, in the wake of all this awareness building and sharing of stories which is really great, are we also at risk of alienating people?

When I was very ill, hearing about other people's recovery stories made me feel worse about myself. Why can they get better and I can't?

When I heard about other people repairing family relationships, I just felt like even more of a failure of a son - just as I had been told I was.

When I saw so many people talk about their issues on twitter, yet in only 140 characters, I thought: why is my story so much more convoluted, less inspiring, and btw listens anyway to me? And all these people have so many followers!

So my question is: have any of you also thought similar words, "that's not me" or felt alienated by what should be a positive experience?

Or perhaps you'll also say, "but that's not me" to my thread, hahaha.

(just in case you aren't sure, I'm totally okay right now.)

[quirkywords]

James,

I can relate to your thread.

When I was younger and trying to cope with a diagnosis of bipolar at a time when there was not much known about mental illness, people would tell me and they still do , about well known celebrities and famous people who have bipolar and live great lives!! All it did was to make me feel so much worse because I could barely get out of bed and these famous people were famous actors, leaders, business people.

I don't talk about recovery, I talk about resilience and my journey and my struggles.

Quirky

[Croix]

Dear James~

I guess some people are lucky and do recover from mental illness, Which is great. I also think some people can present a less than accurate picture of their situation, and they might do this for a variety of reasons. I'm sure you can think of many reasons why they might.

Yes, listening to the happy endings of people can highlight our own less than perfect situation. I suppose it is up to us to draw reasonable conclusions, their fate is not ours, we all have differing degrees of severity and differing degrees of recovery. To think we are in some way lacking because we do not share their good fortune is as you know a mistake.

It does have an up-side, tales of success show what can sometimes be possible, necessary because sadly all to often illness makes one believe there is no hope.

Trying to convince ourselves that we are not failures, that we are worthy, and contradict all those negative thoughts is not something that is needed because of our reactions to other peoples' stories, it is needed because our illnesses makes us feel that way anyway.

All that being said I'm careful here to try not to build false expectations. I might say I'm in a much better place, or lead a pretty good life, but will try to point out I'm not 'cured' and still have the old familiar problems to face, if in a hopefully lessened form.

The only other thing I can think of to say is our own judgment of ourselves is very often suspect.

I always respect you posts, which are thinking, caring and sensitive. You produce them despite the MH burden you bear, quite an achivement

Croix

[Juliet_84]

Hi James,

I do this all the time!!! I have a medical condition that I largely hide from the world (it’s not a physical disability so I can). But the downside of that is that whenever sometime tells me they like me or falls in love with me, I think to myself “yeah, but that’s because you don’t know me”. I do the same things with friends, “you’re only friends with me because you don’t know me”. But then I rarely share my illness with them either so rarely give them a chance to prove me otherwise. Or I do tell them and they are accepting but then I tell myself that knowing something and truly accepting the reality of it are very different.

[Croix]

Dear James, please pardon me while I have a quick word.

Dear Juliet~

You did say I tell myself that knowing something and truly accepting the reality of it are very different.

Maybe that is the voice of bitter experience talking, however I do think you might allow the possibility that someone can grow and gain experience as the reality becomes apparent and still be steadfast. When motivated by care and love an awful lot is possible.

Perhaps my voice is from the opposite corner - happy experience. My wife did not sign up for PTSD, anxiety and bouts of depression, and it became extremely hard for her, trying to cater for and look after me, deal with household matters and our child - and go to work.

Later when I asked her why she did not abandon ship she told me she had not seriously thought of it. I needed her as did our child, and she did the best she could (which was marvelous). Later on our roles were reversed, which goes to show things are not permanent.

Croix

[Juliet_84]

Hi Croix,

You are dead on the money, as always. When I was first diagnosed with my condition, my mother didn’t know how to handle it, so she dealt with it by never talking about it and pretending it didn’t exist. There was also an air of intolerance that went along with that, so I learnt to be ashamed, that I had a ‘secret’ that must be hidden at all costs. My ex partner was the first and only person who showed me that it didn’t matter, who knew everything about me and loved me anyway. I am a very guarded person, I will allow people to know me to a certain point and no further, but I want more than anything for someone to recognize that and push through. I think that’s why I enjoy this forum so much, the anonymity is comforting.

[Croix]

Dear Juliet~

Do you have a thread of you own? I'd like to keep on talking to you but don't want to stop others from posting to James here in his thread.

Thanks

Croix