Is positivity always helpful.?

[quirkywords]

In the last decade there has bee a big emphasis on being positive all the time.

I have had a problem with this and now I am reading articles that agree with me that in some instances being over positive can not be appropriate or even helpful.

How can positivity be extreme you may ask? Positivity has a time and place, and if ill timed or relied on in an inappropriate situation, positivity has the potential to be dangerous.

However it can be harmful to relationships, particularly when a person is struggling and their partner pushes them to “look on the bright side” without listening to what they are feeling.

What do you think?
So are ok when someone tells you to look at what you have and not to complain?

Or do you find when you are telling people how you are feeling that they don’t listen and tell you to be grateful, that you get annoyed.

Let me know what you think.

Is there a time and place for positivity?

[quirkywords]

Sleepy thanks for your reply.
It is interesting to read about others experience.
i get embarassed my emotions come so freely so I noted your comment about admiring people who can express their emotions.

[white knight]

Hi Nat

Just my opinion dear friend.

Negativity usually originates from our programming, often from the environment and people's outlook when we were kids. This becomes an automatic view on every topic we receive. We end up pessimistic and the contrast to optimistic people is vast.

I had this prior to 26yo when my life changed in 30 minutes. (Thread: 30 minutes can change your life), it was a light bulb moment. It's likely I was deeply unhappy and needed change.

The fact that a person also has a mental illness compounds the problem because it's also tough to be positive with our damaged mind.

One major transformation can be made by us to help us be more positive without waiting for a life changing event and that's -

"self praise coupled with defence".

Defending ourselves from tyrants or even those just regularly critical of us (undeservedly so) or removing them from our lives is self preserving- (thread: fortress of survival parts 1-3). Self praise is underestimated in its long term confidence building (thread: the best praise you'll ever get).

Ongoing actions like attending motivation lectures, youtube videos (thread: meditation, he helped me for 25 years- maharaji) that connect spiritually or in the least provides relaxation, are all good ways to build yourself up.

To be honest, most people never embark upon the above journey, it's simply too much commitment. I did so in 1982 but fell into a low point prior my suicide attempt 1996. After that event which one week later I left my narc wife, I was so bouyed by my survival I rebounded, built up my confidence, even built a house and dedicated my life to my children as a part time dad. That woman was not going to beat me.

So I understand the challenge can be harder without major events to stimulate one's drive to transit from neg to pos.

Do any of you acknowledge your courage in being a forum member? Or asking the hard questions? Or listening to others? Well you should. I see positives in everything and just being here is one that I see as evidence of your grand ability to be a better person.

The focus on the dying leaf can blur your vision of the Bee collecting nectar.

TonyWK

[CMF]

Hi Quirky,

I love this topic. I agree there is a time & place for positivity.  We are allowed to feel & sit with our emotions, whatever they may be. I find Insensitive when someone says "be positive" rather than acknowledging our feelings. It feels invalidating. 

Having said this, I think there are times when negativity may be a habit or brought on by a trigger. Example- I manage my daughter's sport team. 2 weeks now I'm scrambling to find players cos people pull out last minute. In my mind the season us a right off, everyone unreliable. This is not true. I am triggered by an experience I had with my older kids' teams where I was juggling 3 kids, managing 2 teams & a parent was quite rude to me. 

Recently when my son took me to hospital we were driving around the car park looking for parking.  He was saying we'll never find a spot, complaining how cars were parked, saying he wouldn't be able to find his car later & it would cost alot to park. I realised I'd taken him away from his work and he was probably worried about me as he had to get me from work as I'd passed out, which he saw. The whole situation may have made him a little anxious.

I was negative around my ex. It was because his living situation with his sis made me feel like a 3rd wheel & triggered my anxiety. I couldn't see a happy future so it was hard to be positive with him about it.

My ex was always positive. No matter how he felt or what was going on he'd smile & be Mr happy. To me this was fake & not being real. It also meant I never knew how he really felt, so I never really knew him.

Having said all this, I do believe being positive bring in more good things but  think it's because we're focusing on good things. Things are not always positive & we shouldn't invalidate people's feelings. Instead we should try to understand & help.

[randomxx]

Hi quirk cm and all.

This thread just popped up and it's something l've thought a lot about over the yrs too myself and tried at times.

l agree with cm l reckon positive 24 7 is just damn unnatural and tbh kind of fake. But l've also found over the yrs anyway any time l've ever tried myself being positive  on everything , things actually went worse which might seem odd but to me nah not really.

l understood it bc with myself bc l know how l work and the mental energy and efforts it took always trying to be positive was pretty hard work and imo actually uses up your reserves , reserves you really need to just do life and to deal with the things that aren't just all roses. That's just not how life is and so if your not in a realistically balanced place mentally then the ups and downs are even harder, sometimes too hard bc l'm out mentally. lt's also never worked in some way of attracting better energy either for me and l'd think for myself anyway, for all the same reasons.

A compromise l've found though for yrs now that does seem to keep things balanced for me is to on the other hand just in trying not to dwell on negatives too much. You face them even acknowledge them if l must ha ha but in even having a bit of quiet in your head chuckle or head shake bc stuff happens and it's just so damn typical in life isn;t it. Like that is life, real life but on the other hand it's also just unnatural for some of it to not get to you bc some of it does get to you how could it not but that's ok too , that's being real.

This sort of thing was the one thing that also got me through the divorce period too and so it wasn;t so much a fake it till l make it type thing although at times there was a little bit of that in the mix too and that did help a bit at times. But more so l'd be feeling this and going through that but just trying not to dwell on it too much or too often was the sort of thing that really got me through. But combined with also being just human and allowing myself to be and to feel whatever l did.

rx

[quirkywords]

Rx

thanks for restarting this thread. I agree that nit dwelling on the negatives too much does help.

I find being realistic is better than over positive 

If i I was to say I am organised or artistic  that is positive  but it is untrue. 
I know my strengths and weaknesses . 

[randomxx]

Hi there quirk.

Fully agree l find the same sort of things.

And even when your around somebody that's all smiles and seeming all so happy happy and all so obliging, l'd love a dollar for every time later on at some stage l've heard or found out that actual life was the complete opposite anyway. And l've just thought for them - ok positive or not dwelling is one thing, but wth the ridiculous charade!

[CMF]

Hi friends 👋,

As you know, I can relate to the constant happy/positive facade. You know what,  uf someone wants to do that, it's fine. If it makes them feel better it's fine but they need to understand that other's show & feel their feelings differently.  Some of us need to express our feelings openly. It's interesting too, in my situation,  M was always happy & positive but he had his sis to always jump in & save him. If he didn't have that, if he had to deal with the tough stuff & sort it out on his own, would he be different? He's always had someone to look after his kids,  help financially. He's been able to always do what he wants when he wants. If that wasn't the case I wonder what he'd be like?

[Ggrand]

Hello Dear Quirky, randomxx, CMF and everyone…..🤗..

I had to put on that “ridiculous charade” that you mentioned randomxx, I did it for 38 years for my own survival…to not be happy around my late husband was not something to do…A few times I let my feelings of sadness show to him, he laughed at me and became even angrier because,  well….I should be happy that I had him…showing a positive attitude is not easy but is possibly if you feel it will stop any abuse aimed at you…In that situation, I would say positivity was helpful…

At work, I also have to put on a happy face, be positive towards my colleagues and customers, while inside it’s not how I feel, it’s exhausting to my soul, tiring to my mind…they don’t know how un positive, sad or lonely I am….if I showed my true self and how I feel at work, it would probably make for a bad day for everyone….I think even though someone isn’t positive or happy, yet they portray themselves as they are towards people they need to work with or interact with then that person is trying their best to be the best person they can be at that particular time…When I get home,  then I can feel what I want to feel, be who I am, without judgement from anyone, except myself….Is positively helpful here….yes to my colleagues and customers but definitely not for me…

Am I a bad person because I try hard to hide myself behind a false positive mask when I’m at work?….many times through the fake smiles, happy and obliging masks I put on…have more then once put a genuine smile on someone’s face….Is this so wrong?..

I would say, that positivity can be helpful…just not necessarily to ourselves..

Kind thoughts and hugs everyone….🌈🤗..

Grandy..

[CMF]

Dear Grandy, 

I'm sorry to hear you of your experience. I understand why you put on the charade in front of your late husband. I too have done this. I too have put on the happy face at work for the sake of others & making the day better for all. 

I think we all do this at some point for various reasons so you raise a good point that Positivity can be helpful. I think I struggle when someone who is always positive cannot relate,  understand or empathise when I am not. Just as they choose to feel positive we are allowed to feel the way we do. There are times when no amount of positivity will change a situation & I personally cannot sweep everything under the carpet as my ex did.

Cmf ❤️

[quirkywords]

Sorry Grandy I didn’t mean to upset you with this thread. I can relate a bit  to your awful life time of repressing your true feelings. 
I live with someone who if you say you are sick or tired they immediately compete to say they are really tired and sick and that  I have no reason to be tired. I don’t smile but say ok a. Lot.

grandy I am sorry  I thought people like you are bad as that was not my intention.

A friend had cancer a few years ago and she said she not only had to cope with her diagnosi# sh3 had to be positive and happy.

Your situation sounds so horrible  and I feel so sorry you had to endure this. 
you are kind and compassionate person.