I'm Still Here!

[Just Sara]

Last night I wrote what was in my heart; here it is to share with you all.

I grieve for the little girl I once was and my broken heart; my pain and disappointment from rejection and abandonment. Still waiting for the memories to heal and fade; acknowledging her at long last, she is me. No longer lost in frozen time, pictures of days gone by. I weep the tears of a torrent; washing away the shit and filth. No more cries for help - be still now child, for I am finally here.

I have challenged the system! The old ways and their familial patterns passed down from womb to womb. I grieve my broken body, broken dreams and wishes whispered in prayer. I never asked for a pony, I never asked for fame, I never asked for a path of gold; all I wanted was to be heard and believed, then held in warmth of mother's arms.

Behind my blue eyes and wrinkled skin, my heart still beats with passion and spirit. Filling my veins with life; I'm still here! I am deserving of love, respect and protection - all in abundance. I give these things to myself first and foremost. I forgive my sins and recompense myself for the sins of others. I'm still here! Mind and body together at last.

Life and love to all...Dizzy xx

[Just Sara]

Good morning Lyn;

I appreciate your kind words and advice. It isn't so much being normal weight, it's having my knee's and ankles able to support me. I've had arthritis for many years now and just had a knee replacement. So my weight is more important than ever.

I guess what struck me last night when I was typing, was the realisation I 'bonded' with food at a very young and vulnerable age because I never bonded with my mother. The only contact I had in the humid crib was to be fed, bathed and changed; or to have my medical needs met. I nearly died a few times and was given the 'last rights'. When I arrived 'home', it was at my Pop's house. I bonded with everyone there except my birth mother because she was still in hospital with kidney problems.

My issue is; feeling like I'm dying when I think about or start to change my eating habits. I never understood why until last night. Not only is food my source of nutrients, it's been there as a replacement for love and normality. If I'm in a relationship and feel loved and safe, I lose weight. If the relationship goes pear-shaped, I overeat and begin to put on weight.

I guess "I'm still here" takes on a whole new meaning. I survived an horrific birth, and at that time my mum wasn't married and was just 17. The whole 'bonding' issue covers other aspects of my life. My Nanna taught me to smoke and would give me one here and there when we were out or at home alone. TV became my friend when I was taken away from my Pop's house. My parents weren't the type to play with a small child and worked 3 jobs. The list goes on.

I never felt as if I fit in anywhere, even jobs. I understand now I grieved the loss of my 'first' family. It's complex and tragic. But what it has done, is help me understand who I've become and what obstacles there are to overcome.

As with you, my Nan was the light that shone in our home, not only for me but for my sisters as well. Her passing affected us all very deeply. I have a relationship with my Mum, and as Geoff said, I also told her I loved her each time I saw her as did my little sister. Eventually she came around and we haven't looked back. We hug and kiss and say "I love you". But I'm still aware of her propensity for abusive behaviour.

This thread and each post has been so important for me. Knowing I'm heard, and being acknowledged. My heart and soul will forever be grateful...Dizzy x