I Am Not My Condition

[C_Frank_]

Hey folks! New here and hunting for forums to talk to other folk with mental illnesses (Schizophrenia and Depression here). Specifically trying to write an article at the moment and keen for feedback from anyone who feels they can relate at all! I know it's a little long (two parter) but I'd really appreciate your time and any feedback! Thanks!

Possible Trigger Warning: This deals with depression, suicide and schizophrenia. And something we have to face that is often not spoken about.

I Am Not My Condition.

By C.F.Xavier .

For the last 17 years I've been a diagnosed schizophrenic and depressive. Though I certainly noticed a drastic drop in my intellectual abilites after my first psychotic episodes, various counsellors, psychologists and psychiatrists over the years have said I'm a "high functioning" schizophrenic. My impression of this is that after years of learning how to "Do Normal" I can generally maintain myself and my home, and convincingly fake Normal in public. Since originally writing the short essay upon which this is in part copied and heavily based I recently asked my counsellor for greater definition. I am told it also reflects the fact that I currently exhibit many of the positive symptoms and less of the negative symptoms of schizophrenia and depression. This by no means has always been the case.

It has taken at least a decade for me to develop the tools and in some cases learn the techniques from my doctors and counsellors which have allowed me to reach this point. I found the most incommunicable aspect is the amotivational. One who has not experienced it can never understand it. Also it is an aspect of depression being usurped and abused more and more by the ever increasing number of Faux Depressives who have self diagnosed and told all their friends, or fooled a busy or distracted doctor into believing, or otherwise faked in order to achieve personal desires such as the gaining of sympathy and attention, the acceptable excuse for absenteeism from school, work, social gatherings, etc, or the popularity of acceptance into a specific genre of peer group. This facet of the increasing openness and mainstreaming of mental illness acceptance by no means negates the value of the perestroika of the aforesaid, but awareness should be raised that the side effect of increasing fraud adds two more straws on the back of genuine suffers: Repetition induced apathy and disbelief. I have survived all this. I have beaten this. I suspect I am not alone.

Largely through my recent introduction to Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) in addition to my independantly developed (Though I by no means believe original) personal techniques for questioning the reality presented to me by what appears to be the senses of my eyes, ears and sometimes even touch, I am now able to experience different sensory hallucinations while maintaining calm and rational thought and importantly, outwards appearance. Though my symptoms appear to be gaining in severity over time, so my ability to manage continues to increase. Though it takes a large portion of my time and effort I am surviving this. I am beating this. I hope I am not alone.

I chose a career in which I can experience and manage auditory and visual hallucinations and depressive thinking and still function safely and secretly. People may think I'm lazy, drunk or weird (or when I was less adept at controlling my appearance, depressing, angry, manic, etc.) but they don't know I'm crazy. Though for anonymities sake I am unwilling to go into details, my work is both technical and creative and continues to be desired. My work was recently awarded a state industry award. The amotive factors are strong as ever but I am surviving and beating this. From the history of those like me, I know I am not alone.

The continued development and improvement of anti-psychotic and anti-depressant medications heavily aids me in my symptom management. The medication I now take superior to it's predecessor in the elimination of the massive weight gain side effect has lead to my loss of 20kg in the last six months and on track to reach my target weight in the conservative estimate of another 6 months. I'm on the smallest loop of my current belt. I'm wearing clothes I haven't been able to fit into for years. I'm feeling healthier and the small but noticeably significant continuing weight loss has certainly led to an overall improvement in moods. Though several unpleasant side effects remain, with the ongoing R&D of new and improved medicines I am surviving and beating this. I hope again I am not alone.

Despite this disability I consider myself lucky because unlike intellectual disabilities or physical disabilities I AM able to hide it. But I feel that I shouldn't have to do so. I am sure I am not alone.

1/2

[Girl_Anachronism]

Hi C.Frank,

I am falling asleep at the keyboard so I will give your post a proper read through tomorrow morning over coffee and look forward to part two.

I just wanted to say before I logged off, nice avatar. Squeeee!

GA

[C_Frank_]

Part 2.

By law both federal and state in my country we are prohibited as a group from working in many industries and professions. By law we are prohibited as a group from going to some places. By law we are prohibited as a group from participating in sports and activities. That doesn't even touch on the unofficial social aspects, firings without just cause, evictions without just cause and cultural apartheid we share with many other groups discriminated against because of a racial, cultural, sexual or in this case, mental disability group. We are as a group denied by law work in aerospace, the armed forces, much of chemical engineering and science, healthcare and medical professions, many entertainment services. These are just a few coming to mind by no means counting the orders of magnitude more varied and common  illegal discrimination, rarely enforced, and therefore given unofficial consent, preventing work in a plethora of other arenas. This is stereotyping. This is government sanctioned bigotry. Any hope for a career in the job we fantasise of has been denied so many of us despite potential brilliance or aptitude. Don't tell us we can be anything. We are the kids denied by law from becoming an astronaut and by bigotry from becoming president. Our dreams have been denied us because of a label. Might this be a reason 1 woman and 5 men of us every day in my country are no longer surviving this. We are not beating this. Why are we treated this way alone?

I am an individual. Yes many people with the labels that have been applied to me would be unable to safely work in many industries. Yes many people with the labels applied to me should be protected from entering areas potentially hazardous to themselves and others. But these labels do not define me. The manner in which I survive and exceed them does.

With modern pharmacology ever advancing in both effectiveness and reduction of side effects, modern management techniques (like CBT) and modern more practical counselling approaches many of us may not be able to live a normal life, but we can still contribute to the societies which have shaped and supported us in the down times.

Let us do so, as you would let anyone else. Judge me on my individual skills, training, experience and work ethic. Don't tell those of us who could be aeronautics engineers they should be happy to be allowed to clean houses for half legal minimum wage because "We're not allowed to hire people with your condition". Don't tell those of us who could be medical professionals they should be happy weeding gardens because, "After all we have to put the patients needs and desires first and really their kind could just never be totally trusted".

I am an individual, not a condition, and I am not alone.  Please treat us as such.

2/2

[Mares73]

Hi C.Frank that was a powerful piece of writing and it kind of related to my questioning of myself lately as to what is the illness & what is me? (Meaning my identity beyond the illness? How do we define ourselves? We MUST have some power or ability to reach beyond & help ourselves get better. I truly thankyou gor your messages. Mares x

[K8]

Wow. Thank you for your post. 

Its evidence that us mere mental illness weirdo crazies are still capable and intelligent, and not prepared to sit down and be told 'You can't'.

We can. In fact a significant proportion of us are more analytic, more driven, and more focused on our work/interests/lives than non-sufferers,  as we need to be to survive, and beat our illnesses. Our strength is highlighted by us getting out of bed each day and having another crack at it even when we think we cant.

Those that dont suffer from mental illness would likely fall in a heap if they were somehow struck down with it for an undefined period as a test.

I am not my illness. I am an individual that carries a heavy piece of baggage, and through carrying it: my muscles grow every day.