How to start again?

[Fallen_apart]

How do you find some direction and purpose in life after it all crumbles?

Had a decent life up till a couple of years ago, mid 30s, job, Mrs, home etc about to get married have kids etc. Kept my anxiety and depression under control for the most part without a Doctor.

Hurt my back, lost my job, career, my grip on my mental health, my fiancé and future and feels like pretty much my entire identity, and it all seemed to escalate with each different class of meds my doctor tried over two years.

I am stuck in a cycle of depression and anxiety and a crippling loneliness that prevents me even thinking of anything that I could want/hope/dream/plan/think/do/enjoy.

Everything I worked towards was stripped away and I can't even daydream about any sort of future beyond this. Its almost a year on my own and I can't see a way forwards.

A lot of people laugh I know I should have it relatively easy- single guy, no kids, still got a house so far, don't drink or do crack.

But iv lost my purpose and identity. How do I find that again when I don't even know what it is?

[Fallen_apart]

Hi smallwolf,

Thanks for asking, I think so. Had a rough few weeks for a variety of reasons but still trying to keep a more positive mindset for the most part.

Had my first paid work in two years today. Only chicken feed and a one off but it was a start.

I've had some forward momentum like this before but with nothing to really apply it to I tend to go backwards again. Just trying to build on this at the moment.

Really Thanks for asking. It's something I don't consider often enough when I am relatively ok.

[Fallen_apart]

Still struggling and not sure where to turn. I really need to speak to someone regularly but i used all the free counselling I could get early in the year with an unhelpful psych and can't get any more until next year.

I went to a psychiatrist I had been waiting for since June and it didn't help much just cost me $400 and 'I'll see ya in a month'. I know not to expect much from a first session but I really need some help and guidance and I just can't find what's right for me. I can't afford to keep going especially if its not helping.

i just had one of the roughest weekends of loneliness and isolation iv had in a long time and ended up talking to a suicide hotline on Saturday night after no one I knew would talk to or message me despite reaching out to pretty much everyone I know.

I can't keep going on like this but I don't know how to fix it. I can barely get out to do food shopping yet I need to be working to pay my mortgage before I lose my house and have nowhere to live.

I'm terrified I have so much further to fall yet and I feel like I can't stop it and everyone I know is watching me but can't or won't help. Mostly they don't know how to I guess, I don't even know how...

I'm tired of living in fear and not doing things I used to so easily. Its been so long since I saw light at the end of the tunnel I'm scared I won't ever again.

[smallwolf]

Hi,

Did you see the psychiatrist under a "chronic disease management plan" or ???

When I had to go see one it was under that and I think, but dont quote me on this, is that it helps to reduce the cost. I would have thought that medicare might have covered some of the costs? And in the first session it is somewhat as you described it, but in that session they have to get to know you. Once you hit the threshhold it becomes a lost cheaper.

Are you seeing a psychologist as well? Or just a psychiatrist?

One positive from your post is that you reached out to the suicide hotline. I have a safety plan that includes lifeline, etc. So while it might seem bad that none of your contacts were available, you went to the next step and called them.

If you dont mind my asking, and tell me if I am barking up the wrong tree... but can you tell me what distraction and coping techniques have you been given? When I first saw my psychologist she wanted to be install virtual hope box onto my phone.

The other thing that is starting to make a difference (after 10 months) is maintaining a journal of positives. I created a thread on here called "Not quite a journal" in which I have to write things to look forward to, a pleasure, accomplishment and gratitude for each day, and then identify positive attributes in things I have done. And it does not have to be big things, small things count also. Getting out of bed, showering etc. It was very hard when I started, but is easier now. I will still have down days but it is case of re-wiring the brains - that is my words.

Hope you doing OK today. Let me know if you want to chat?

Tim

[Fallen_apart]

Hi thanks for writing.

My gp is a legend but she's exhausted all options for discounts and freebies because I used a lot earlier in the year to try and avoid where I am now but it didn't help. I talked for an hour at a time but nothing in particular was addressed or resolved.

Iv tried meditation but have no idea, really just walking the dog, breathing and benzodiazepines is all anyone has given me as far as what to do when I'm flailing.

I want to see a psychologist again but can't afford it and can't get a bulk billed one until next year. Psychiatrist seemed promising and I'll get some money back but its still a long time in between and costs a lot.

I'm wondering if I can release some of my super to pay for stuff like this or a wellness retreat of some kind without having to jump through too many hoops. But its too hard to deal with people on the phone at the moment.

I don't want to live alone anymore but i don't have anyone else to live with and am very reluctant to rent my spare room anyway as I wouldn't feel comfortable in my own house.

My ex has recently had some packages delivered to my house after 9 months apart and I was unable to avoid her picking them up. Knowing she is hurting as well but is not interested in trying to get back together only adds confusion to the hurt and loneliness I was still not yet at terms with. I know its normal for her to miss me too and on some level it helps to know that but it only compounds things for me.

I know I am still quite lucky in that I have my home, my animals, a car, some people around at times, hell I could take the dog and just go fishing for the next few days...but I won't. I feel like I'm stuck behind a screen I can't break through.