Guilt anothers glory

[white knight]

Every human born, regardless of any situation is entitled to feel deprived if certain minimal standards are not being met.

I'm talking mental health. However lack of basic physical needs like shelter can impact on us mentally to.

No, I'm talking about influences placed upon us by others more often loved ones that extend their authority over and above their status to achieve a result that impacts upon us in a negative way- so they get the outcome they desire.

GUILT is commonly a state of mind developed in a child from a family members dominance. Taken to the extreme such dominance plants the seeds of doubt in our minds that remain like a mental tattoo in adult years. Hard to shrug off it is unfair for any child to carry this around but, they are unaware what wrong doing has taken place. Often it's a parent that has planted that seed, to grow the "plant of power through ownership"

Some victims of guilt never rebel. For those poor souls they endure the daily horror of being possessed by their mental jailer. Even after their jailer has passed on they continue to "do as that jailer would want them do.

Many of us however do rebel. As we struggle with our captor to gain the freedom of that every human deserves, we risk alienation/rejection of the person that has influenced us the most. Like losing a limb we struggle with the very guilt our controller installed. Often that manipulator has gathered around them their greatest weapons- other loved ones. Sever your relationship with your jailer - lose your family is often the case.

Post cutting ties doesnt rid you from guilt, it isnt tattoo removal, its tattoo cover up only. This is why treatment by professional medical people is so important and often successful -what is "successful"? When we can function in life to a level of some contentment and acceptance of our actions being aware we are the victim of a clever person that viewed our independence of mind as an enemy.

For many controllers reading this they might think it is indeed wrong of such behaviour, such is their lack of awareness of their own actions. Ownership of another human especially their own child comes natural to them. Obeying them is endorsing their authority. Disobeying them means war for you should obey "I am your mother, how dare you treat me like that after all I've done for you...wait till I've told your father...he will be disgusted"

Seek treatment for guilt to help find independence of your own thoughts. Every human deserves that.

TonyWK

[blondguy]

Hi Tony and thankyou for this important post...especially where self awareness and recovery is concerned

I did try to rebel against a parent that was focused on control and domination and it didnt work....I just think that it laid the foundations for my anxiety that kicked in when I was 23..unfortunately

You are spot on Tony when you mentioned "Disobeying them means war" I am paying the price for standing up for myself....when I was only a child in the 1960's.....ugh

Many members...including long term members....dont understand 'Mindfulness' the same as I dont understand the 'Guilt' that you mention...I just find it a difficult concept to grasp...I think. I do agree that controlling/dominant parenting has a lot to answer for though...even though people pass it off by saying 'its just the way parents were back then'

I dont really care if some parents were neanderthals in the 1960's.....and it was 'normal'. Neglect is neglect and what decade it occurred in is irrelevant. I hear you loud and clear on this Tony ..Good1

This is another excellent thread topic TonyWK and thank you!

my kindest...and all the best for 2019

Paul

[white knight]

Hi paul, thankyou for you honest post. It's so good to be able to offload and benefit from it without fear.

I agree, people passing off abuse is no excuse. Furthermore if they did say "that's how things were them days" then followed by..."it was wrong and I humbly apologise" we might move on a lot easier.

For me, a mother with undiagnised BPD was the centre of the dysfunctional family dynamics. But I guess narcissistic personalities and others may have similar core intentions.

These traits are well explained by googling

Queen waif witch hermit

Or reading the book by Dr Christine Lawson "walking on eggshells "

You might have seen me recommend that before.

My mother had each one of those characteristics.

The owner of me- the queen

The revenger- the witch

The waif- The sympathy seeker that turned our dad against us

The hermit- is the one consistently focussed on harming others,the perfectionist, the worrier.

For these controllers they see their actions/words as non harmful (mostly), they elevate their status from parent to something other than parent...like a monster towering above us, even after they have passed away.

I feel guilty when I write the sentence "if you have a parent that's controlling to the point that you are at least partially dysfunctional, consider cutting ties altogether."

Such an action is a sad recommendation however it is sometimes the better option than the other one...

At the end of the day our health is priority. Removal of the controller is a big step towards some recovery.

I severed from my mother 8 years ago. She is 87yo now. If I returned I'd unravel all the hard work in accepting myself as being mistreated and I'd subject my mind to guilt ...the same guilt I've had for being such a bad boy striving to be a good boy, a goal unachievable.

TonyWK

[blondguy]

Hi TonyWK

Our mothers' are the same age (my mum is 88..the gentle parent) yet I more than understand you with having a dominant parent and it is painful no matter how hard we try to overcome the static

Even my mum has all the signs of chronic anxiety yet will often ask 'what is anxiety?' It is very sad for me as mum is so frail now and has taken some serious abuse in her life. Back in the 60's the 'health professionals' diagnosed anxiety as 'nerves'.All that study and a degree in medicine and thats the best they could come up with

I find it all so tragic....especially when the the people with 'good intentions' keep rubbing in 'its the way it was back then'....siblings included unfortunately

It is very exhausting Tony.... You mentioned " if they did say "that's how things were them days" then followed by..."it was wrong and I humbly apologise" we might move on a lot easier'....Me thinks that pride is a poor substitute for intelligence for some of the older folk as they wont budge

my kindest always

Paul