It changes every day. I hate my past that I carry with me. I
can’t tell you any of it, it wouldn’t get past the moderators if I tried. it’s that hateful.
I should be hated, there are people who’ll never forgive
some of my actions and I don’t expect them to. I am a monster. That’s never
going away either, I carry the knowledge that I am capable of acts of great
cruelty and violence. A lot of that hate I cultivated, I enjoyed being feared,
it gave me power, status, female attention and a reputation I had to live up to.
Some men do it with money, I did it with violence, hatred and bigotry.
I like the man I want to be. Someone comfortable enough not
to have to prove himself continually. A man who is loved and trusted by his
family, whose primary concern is his family and their wellbeing. A man who
makes an honest living doing something good for people. A man who is accepting
and approachable, reliable and steadfast, honest and accountable for his
mistakes and willing to change his ideas in the face of reliable evidence and be
willing to admit he was wrong.
I spent 8 years hating myself completely, engaging in self
destructive behaviour without any regard for the sacredness and privilege of
being alive. Too busy hating myself to have any concern for the people I loved
which made me hate myself even more. One day my eldest son visited me, he had
just completed his last tour of Afghanistan and he needed his dad. He was
shocked by my appearance and the filthy nest I was living in. The look of disgust
on his face is something that haunts me today. He called me a disgrace and much
else besides. Hating myself wasn’t working, I was punishing myself, but also my
family.
It has been a rocky path to change, choosing a righteous path
can result in the past catching up with you, challenging your commitment to
that path. I can’t go back, not knowing what I now know but your past comes
with you, it leaves scars. I can never forget all the violence I have committed
but if I continue to hate myself and always be looking to the past, I will have
no future and I owe it to my family to give myself a break or I won’t be
capable of doing any good for them or anyone else.
